FLBuccaneer Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I posted on here a while ago about my girlfirend and her shady ways. She has lied to me in the past and it's affected my ability to move forward, 100% confidently. I'm male and 28 years old...She is female and 29 years old. We live 30 minutes away from one another. We've been dating since October 2012. She was engaged prior to me and was only available for about a month before we started talking. We recently have been through a lot so I will break it down in cliff notes style... I've expressed to my girlfriend (in the past)that I'm uncomfortable with her continued communication with her ex fiance, a year after things ended. I told her if it continues that I will have to evaluate the future of this relationship... I go on a jog every Wednesday with a close buddy (male) of mine. A couple Wednesday's ago, she asked if I still planned on running with my friend. I was on the fence because I wanted to see her but she insisted I go on my run. She mentioned she had some errands and things to take care of on her side. Well I ran and called her around 7:45PM afterwards, we talked around 6PM prior. I got voicemail so I just shot her a text saying I finished and I'm on my way home. An hour goes by and I still haven't heard from her...I call her again but still no response. Around 9:30PM I send her a text asking if she is okay and to please respond as I'm beginning to worry. No response... I begin to have this gut feeling that something is going on. Around 10PM I drive to her house and her car is not there. I wait and wait...texting and calling but still not response. At 12:15AM she pulls into the drive and I confront her and she admitted to being with her ex at a restaurant. I'm outraged that she could completely ignore me for 4+ hours and to top it off, be with her ex fiance. I'm outraged and ask for my house key back an drive off. So naturally she is calling and texting insisting that it was nothing but conversation between the two and apologetic about the entire situation. She is telling me everything I want to hear and that she has woken up and realizes how important we are. I tell her obviously her ex is more important We get back together on 7/13/13 and things have been amazing (of course) up until this past Saturaday. We went to the beach and had been drinking and conversation about the incident popped up. I told her that there is still a big part of me that is hesitant and guarded and that I'm sort of waiting for something else to happen for my heart to get hurt again. We fight and when we get home she takes her things and leaves. I talked to her the next day and was very sorry to have brought up that subject, being intoxicated as well. I told her that I'm cooking dinner and would like for her to come over. She declined in a round a bout way and we ended the phone call but she continued texting. She texted me at 8:30PM telling me what she had for dinner and I never responded. at 10:30PM I shot her a text, followed by a phone call asking if she is still awake? No response. The feelings that occured a few weeks ago (when she was with her ex fiance) begin to surface and I'm becoming worried. I called her an hour later and no answer. So I drive over with all mixed emotions of suspicion, worry, etc... I drive to her house and no car in the driveway again...this time I just decided to start heading home but low and behold on my way home, I glance from the main road and notice her car parked outside a bar. I pull in and wait for 10 minutes to gather myself...I walk in and see her on the otherside of the bar with...you guessed it, her ex fiance, again. I wait to lock eyes with her and when she does, I shake my head and say "Goodbye XXXXXX". I took my time walking to my car, hoping she would run out to explain, something. I got nothing and had the worst drive of my live back home. I get a text simply saying my name with a question mark. I don't respond. I get another saying "Hey..." I don't respond. I get a third about an hour later saying "Where are you?" No response. Well 2 days have passed and I never received a phone call, a visit, text or anything and I'm devastated because I have never loved anyone like I do with her. I know what I need to do but I'm looking for some insight and help from you all. I haven't talked to anyone about this recent issue and really would appreciate feedback. Thank you in advance for your insight...
templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I am sorry man, but you have to leave her. Trust on your part is gone, one incident is fine, but more, she is sneaky and the fact that she is going behind your back to see her ex means she is not to be trusted. Go no contact and start moving on. I know it hurts like a bitch, but would you be able to be with someone like that in the long term? If she was in love with you or into you, she wouldn't do this anyhow. 1
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 I am sorry man, but you have to leave her. Trust on your part is gone, one incident is fine, but more, she is sneaky and the fact that she is going behind your back to see her ex means she is not to be trusted. Go no contact and start moving on. I know it hurts like a bitch, but would you be able to be with someone like that in the long term? If she was in love with you or into you, she wouldn't do this anyhow. Thanks for the kind words. It hurts like a bitch indeed. It's consuming all parts of my life. What do you think her (besides texting after the night of the incident) motives are by not reaching out to me knowing that she did something that I have, and in the past have not allowed? Does she still have feelings for her ex? I'm looking for ways to motivate me and close this chapter in my life because it's wide open right now...How can she not call or make any attempt to reach me?
Bito Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 You were the rebound guy. It hurts I know. You know what you have to do and I hope you have the strength to do it. At least you know the truth and can learn from your mistakes. Ie only month out of a divorce. You will be in my thoughts as you have a hard road ahead. 1
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 You were the rebound guy. It hurts I know. You know what you have to do and I hope you have the strength to do it. At least you know the truth and can learn from your mistakes. Ie only month out of a divorce. You will be in my thoughts as you have a hard road ahead. Good luck as well and you'll be in my thoughts. Sorry about your divorce. Thanks Bito....It's hard to look at 2 nights within two weeks of each other that she has ditched me, and her phone to spend time with the ex and not think I'm the rebound guy. She dumped him and what's sad is that he is till keeping himself in the picture. I know it's her reaching out to hime because their meetings have occurred two times after our major issues together so perhaps she was looking for an outlet to vent...I don't know. I'm just baffled how there has been no effort on her part to reach out to me.... Do you think she has rekindled feelings for her ex?
Joaquin Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Been there man. She had been lying about contact with her ex. I broke off as soon as I found out she met with her ex behind my back. Never spoke again. Drama over. And whats between her and her then ex stopped being my problem. Felt crap for a few months as the reality of having been used as a rebound, but life goes on. Great lesson to trust yr instincts about people and not ignore red flags.
StarsOnFire Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 She obviously has no respect for your relationship or feelings. Not trying to be harsh, but what she did was really, really, really messed up. I would hope she's out of your life, or your life will be her meeting with her ex behind your back constantly. You've caught her twice, how many times has she done it where you haven't caught her? She doesn't even have remorse, or guilt to even call you. Sorry, I really don't think she's someone you should be fighting to keep here. You're in a one-sided relationship. 1
lovesucks76 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 This really sucks man, sorry! At least you know now. Trust your gut, I lied to myself so I wouldn't lose her because I loved her with all my heart. I would do anything for her. I trust my gut a lot more now. I knew something was off too. Someone told me here that "she's just not into you" and I took it hard but it was true. If you love and care for someone you work on getting their respect and trust. I did everything to please her but she only reciprocated when it was convenient to her. Everything else took priority over me. Not good, right? We're better than that and we all deserve to be loved the same way we love. That's why I pulled the plug on the relationship, it was the hardest thing to do and I hurt like a wounded animal but I will survive. So will YOU! Stay strong! 1
clia Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Why would you want to be with someone who you distrust so much that you are getting in your car in the middle of the night to make sure she is home? Do you see how crazy that is? I mean, her not answering a text makes you get in the car and drive to her house to check up on her? Um... You are definitely the rebound guy, and she probably still has feelings for the ex. Did she break up with him or vice versa? You should move on. Why even be in a relationship if you feel like you can't trust her? It's not worth it. Go find a girl you can trust. 1
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I wanted to add more detail to my original story: On Saturday when we fought and were intoxicated, I actually broke up with her and got my key back....So, technically we're not together when she rendezvous with her ex...does that change anything?
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Why would you want to be with someone who you distrust so much that you are getting in your car in the middle of the night to make sure she is home? Do you see how crazy that is? I mean, her not answering a text makes you get in the car and drive to her house to check up on her? Um... You are definitely the rebound guy, and she probably still has feelings for the ex. Did she break up with him or vice versa? You should move on. Why even be in a relationship if you feel like you can't trust her? It's not worth it. Go find a girl you can trust. She broke up with him. I must add a detail that I left out which is on Saturday during our fight, I foolishly overreacted and broke up with her, even grabbed my key off her key ring so technically we were not dating when she met with her ex. Does that change anything?
Zahara Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I wanted to add more detail to my original story: On Saturday when we fought and were intoxicated, I actually broke up with her and got my key back....So, technically we're not together when she rendezvous with her ex...does that change anything? Now you're reaching. She was already seeing the ex behind your back when you were together. One day after the fight, supposed break up, and she's back to seeing him again? Doesn't change anything but the fact that no matter what your situation is with her, she was seeing him behind your back. Stop doubting yourself.
New User Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 She broke up with him. I must add a detail that I left out which is on Saturday during our fight, I foolishly overreacted and broke up with her, even grabbed my key off her key ring so technically we were not dating when she met with her ex. Does that change anything? Not really as far as the end result goes. Bottom line, like Clia said is that you don't trust her. It sounds like you have very good reason not to. Once trust goes the relationship follows. You're done with it- even to the point of it being officially over from what I understand. Chalk it up to experience and move on. 1
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Not really as far as the end result goes. Bottom line, like Clia said is that you don't trust her. It sounds like you have very good reason not to. Once trust goes the relationship follows. You're done with it- even to the point of it being officially over from what I understand. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Yes trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships and I certainly don't feel that I could. I guess the part that bothers me more than anything is Cila saying that she has been seeing her ex behind my back....god that hurts if it's true. Do you think they are trying to rekindle their relationship or is it merely someone for her to talk to? I just am looking for some closure so I can move on, but I can't until I fully understand the complexities of what just happened.
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Now you're reaching. She was already seeing the ex behind your back when you were together. One day after the fight, supposed break up, and she's back to seeing him again? Doesn't change anything but the fact that no matter what your situation is with her, she was seeing him behind your back. Stop doubting yourself. I'm trying to find some closure and move on but before I can, I need to understand the complexities of what just occurred. You say she has been seeing him behind my back? What makes you say that? I'm not questioning it, but rather looking for more insight.
New User Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Yes trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships and I certainly don't feel that I could. I guess the part that bothers me more than anything is Cila saying that she has been seeing her ex behind my back....god that hurts if it's true. Do you think they are trying to rekindle their relationship or is it merely someone for her to talk to? I just am looking for some closure so I can move on, but I can't until I fully understand the complexities of what just happened. Hate to say it man, but I think that closure is really overrated. I'll be honest- it isn't something that I really seek or understand that well; The only exception being that I have a strong desire to tell my ex-wife exactly what I think of how she treated me, but I know that will accomplish nothing. How will knowing what her relationship with him is make things any different? It's over and that's really all that matters. It takes time to move on from someone that you had strong feelings for. I suspect that having a desire for closure is really just your mind telling you that you aren't ready to move on yet.
Zahara Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I'm trying to find some closure and move on but before I can, I need to understand the complexities of what just occurred. You say she has been seeing him behind my back? What makes you say that? I'm not questioning it, but rather looking for more insight. What closure are you looking for? What she's done isn't enough closure for you? The fact that you have to drive to her home and check up on her to see if she is trustworthy isn't enough for you to know it isn't the type of partner you deserve? Isn't that closure, in that accepting that you will never be able to trust. If you are looking for closure from her, you won't get it. It comes from you accepting that it's not what you want for yourself. Seeing you behind your back as in, the first time you caught her, was she honest with you that she was going to see the ex? No. She kept it from you. Who knows how many times prior to this she's been out with him as you noted in your post that you've expressed to her in the past that you're uncomfortable with her continued communication with the ex. You were lucky that you caught her that time, because there was a second time, which was a day after that fight. Once, twice, I am sure there was more. What insight are you looking for? There are no complexities. It's pretty straightforward.
JDPT Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 This girl is clearly not trustworthy at all and perhaps she never was. I can imagine how terrible it must feel to always wonder what your girlfriend is up to or who she is with specially when you send her numerous text messages and call with no response. It's evident that she is not over her ex and that's just unfair and unfortunate for you. As stated previously you need to let her to as much as it hurts it will in the long run be for the best. There are certain time in life when you need to do what's best for you and you only and it's obvious that this is one of them, run for the hills. I'm not sure if this will be the last you will hear from her by I can only suggest to start NC and embark on your recovery journey. I wish you the best we are here for you.
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 What closure are you looking for? If you are looking for closure from her, you won't get it. It comes from you accepting that it's not what you want for yourself. Very well said. thanks Zahara. This is all new to me so I'm in deep introspection.
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 This girl is clearly not trustworthy at all and perhaps she never was. I can imagine how terrible it must feel to always wonder what your girlfriend is up to or who she is with specially when you send her numerous text messages and call with no response. It's evident that she is not over her ex and that's just unfair and unfortunate for you. As stated previously you need to let her to as much as it hurts it will in the long run be for the best. There are certain time in life when you need to do what's best for you and you only and it's obvious that this is one of them, run for the hills. I'm not sure if this will be the last you will hear from her by I can only suggest to start NC and embark on your recovery journey. I wish you the best we are here for you. Yes I've never felt this way about anyone and it's a terrible feeling indeed. Thanks I appreciate your insight.
Zahara Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Very well said. thanks Zahara. This is all new to me so I'm in deep introspection. No problem. Introspect but don't doubt yourself. You're doing the right thing by letting this go.
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Hate to say it man, but I think that closure is really overrated. I'll be honest- it isn't something that I really seek or understand that well; The only exception being that I have a strong desire to tell my ex-wife exactly what I think of how she treated me, but I know that will accomplish nothing. How will knowing what her relationship with him is make things any different? It's over and that's really all that matters. It takes time to move on from someone that you had strong feelings for. I suspect that having a desire for closure is really just your mind telling you that you aren't ready to move on yet. Very well said. I think you're right. It's obvious by her not reaching out at all says she knows things are over as well. When something similar happened in the past (3 weeks ago), She was doing everything in her power to get to me. She said let me rebuild your trust in me. Now this occurred and she likely already knows that it's beyond any repair so why bother? 1
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 No problem. Introspect but don't doubt yourself. You're doing the right thing by letting this go. Man that's what I need to hear. It's so easy to start doubting and perhaps that is the stage I'm in now. What do you recommend if she wants to speak?
Chi townD Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Dude, you need to cut her out of your life. You caught her out with her Ex on two occasions THAT YOU KNOW OF! There's no room for three in a relationship and now you know that if there's ever even the tiniest hint of trouble in the relationship you know who she goes running to rather than staying and trying to fix the problem. She's going to continue to try and contact you. She knows she did you wrong and she has ease her guilt. It wouldn't surprise me if she wants to meet up with you to try to explain everything, but don't do it. All she's going to do is blameshift everything on you. Ignore everything she sends you and BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! What was her reaction when she finally saw you at that bar? Did she have the "Oh sh*t" look on her face or did she even give a damn?
Author FLBuccaneer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Dude, you need to cut her out of your life. You caught her out with her Ex on two occasions THAT YOU KNOW OF! There's no room for three in a relationship and now you know that if there's ever even the tiniest hint of trouble in the relationship you know who she goes running to rather than staying and trying to fix the problem. She's going to continue to try and contact you. She knows she did you wrong and she has ease her guilt. It wouldn't surprise me if she wants to meet up with you to try to explain everything, but don't do it. All she's going to do is blameshift everything on you. Ignore everything she sends you and BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! What was her reaction when she finally saw you at that bar? Did she have the "Oh sh*t" look on her face or did she even give a damn? See that's where my confusion is, because she hasn't tried to contact me after that night. It's been 3 days without anything from her. Her look wasn't surprised and she actually waved at me to come over. What is that about?
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