jayinblue Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Hi All, I'm sure this isn't a very new topic, but I've got some dating stuff going on and need some help. Its been a long time since I've dated and could use a little advice. We've been together for 5 months, but were previously together a long time ago. We both have children, but at the moment, we are not mixing them together (the issue is me, I have a 5 year old and want to make sure my daughter's stable and comfortable and don't want to upset that until I feel more stable in this relationship). Anyway, on our "off days" we spend a ton of time together. She usually sleeps over, we go do stuff, have meals, etc. I love it. I think she loves it too. There's a guy who is a friend of hers who honestly, I don't think is a great influence on her. She has assured me (and I believe her) that this person is just a friend - he is older than her by quite a bit. But she has told me that he professed some feelings for her before but is now over it. The problem is sometimes she tells me she needs her "space" during a time we could be hanging out together, and she goes and spends it with this guy. Last weekend, we had spend a bunch of time together, and I was supposed to be going out of town on Sunday. Those plans cancelled, and I then was able to stay in town. She told me she made a plan to see this person (among other people) at a winery nearby. She waffled on whether to go or not, as she knew I really wouldn't like it very much. So anyway, I decide to try not to be the overprotective / jealous bf and I tell her to go and have a good time, I'll make a plan with one of my other friends. The idea was she would go spend a few hours in the afternoon with these folks and we would get to have dinner around 6:30. So later that day, like 5:20ish, I get a note from her saying that she just went to this winery place, but would be back "around" the time we discussed seeing each other. I asked what she meant by it, and she said like 7:00. So then 7:00 comes and goes, then 8:00 comes and goes, and at like 8:15 she comes by and she's drunk. We have a fight for a couple of reasons: (1) I'm feeling a little blown off by the fact she needed space from me; (2) that we made a plan for dinner at 6:30 which she couldn't make; (3) that she was getting drunk and happy without me; (4) that she got into a car with this douche who was probably not sober either; and (5) that she blew off a dinner plan with me for this guy. Her take is that I am not respecting "who she is" and that she is a "free spirit." I keep telling her I'm fine when I know what you're doing, but if we make a plan, I don't think its unreasonable to expect you to keep it. I think she probably feels like I'm being suffocating or something. I almost broke it off with her on Sunday, but the truth is I love this girl and don't want to let her go. Has anyone else dealt with this? I want to give her the space if she needs it, but I have needs too and don't want to be in a relationship where my feelings aren't taken into account. Am I off base here?
sabre80 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Stop being wishy washy. You cannot say 'Sure go have a good time' then get mad (sweeping generalization I know). Point is you are not being controlling if you establish a boundary you find unacceptable. SHE is the one in control by giving her the choice to either respect those boundaries or not. If she will not respect you and your boundaries and you chose to stay with her, you are showing her you do not respect yourself and you are in for a long life of getting walked on.
ja123 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't understand why she wouldn't have invited you to the winery with all her friends. It doesn't make sense to me. Have you ever been introduced to this other man? If not, that's weird and doesn't bode well. I don't blame you for not wanting to make sure your 5-year old daughter is surrounded by stability. Is this gf stable? Hmmm I don't know.
Author jayinblue Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Yes, its kind of an annoyance for me as well. I asked to meet the guy and she's hesitant on it. It all seems like just a dumb game to me, but I am honestly not sure what to do about it. I like the girl, so do I just accept that she has this oddball relationship with this guy or do I issue an ultimatum, which may end this relationship....
eddyctv Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 OMG just end it. She is saying she's a "free spirit"? Give me a break! When you are in a relationship, compromises have to be made, and it's not much of a compromise for her to be with you when she said she would be. She's a selfish a$$.
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