Lansing Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Curious, when you guys are going out for dinner do you guys split the bill or do you pay sometimes/ she pays sometimes/ or are you ever paying for her for activities/things you go to?
Author Babolat Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) Curious, when you guys are going out for dinner do you guys split the bill or do you pay sometimes/ she pays sometimes/ or are you ever paying for her for activities/things you go to? She insists on paying her share. She invited me to her house recently, then brunch. I pulled out my CC to pay for my share of brunch and she said "No, I invited you so I am paying". There have been cases where we ordered concert tickets, one will reimburse the other for their ticket. And sometimes when out at a bar/club, I will buy drinks, then she will get the next one kind of thing. Edited August 8, 2013 by Babolat
Author Babolat Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 a lot of men (and some women) would argue that sex doesn't get in the way... However, I've said here many times... involving sex necessarily brings other layers and the damage to do great harm into the mix. The reason I object so strongly to PUA stuff is because it comes across as stealing. They can't get what they want through legitimate means, so they have to lie and manipulate. There is no positive way to spin it in my world. There are other ways to get to know people without jumping into the sack with every willing person who comes along... is all I've ever said. I notice how surprised some people are to find out that people who aren't sleeping with lots of people aren't necessarily frigid, or suffering from ED, or whatever. Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox. Very glad to hear you have a system that works for you. As for me, I can't hardly go to Meetups or do anything online without some guy trying to hump my leg ASAP. It's annoying as hell. I'd like very much the opportunity to get to know men near me the way these women are getting to know you. Who knows if it will turn out for more? Sounds like a hell of a lot more fun and emotionally safer than doing things the other way. For me sex is about emotion and intimacy, so it DOES get in the way.
RedRobin Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Regarding meetups, I have the same problem. I started getting Good To Meet Yous and then emails from some of the women. And/or they are probing me for where I am with dating, etc. I actually try to make friends with more of the men..trying to increase my male buddy circle. I have met two pretty cool guys from MeetUps. And I stopped going to the "Bar" related ones, the "social" MeetUps...very clicky and the crowd is just weird. It's like I am walking into a competition or something. The men glare at me and make it obvious they are not there to talk to me...like I am their competition. Their loss IMHO. And most of the women, especially the younger ones, when I talk to them I see a "who do you think you are" expression in their face. I am just here to talk, be social, make new friends, not get into your pants. There is one girl I have seen at 3+ of the MeetUps, not my type, but attractive and gets a lot of male attention. I have talked to her a few times. She even taught me how to keep score at darts at one event. I saw her out last Friday night, approached her to say Hi and she pretended to not know who I was, then ignored me. Man how I wanted to say F you, but I did not. Funny you mention that. I get the same treatment from some of the women. I'd like to meet women for friendships too. There have been one or two incidents in the past where things have gotten pretty nasty with some of the cattier women. That is when I learned to avoid all of the bar/foodie/hang out type Meetups. The activity oriented ones that have some small price of admission are the best. I'm going to one tonight. A trail run with my local running club. Even there though, I don't use my real last name. They can Google me all they like. Won't find anything. Oh, and I don't assume every guy who is talking to me wants to get in my shorts Usually it is the opposite. They have to be really obvious about it.
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 So for the women here; if in a case like mine where I stated "friends only", yet you were attracted to the man, would you accept the friends only invitation? No, I would not. If a man told me he only wanted to be friends, I'd pass. I have enough friends and won't waste my time with a new man unless there's potential for a long-term, marriage minded relationship, which for me requires dating from the outset. Accepting "friends only" from someone you just met and have no understanding of whether they'd even be a good friend is kinda pathetic, IMO.
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Makes sense, though.... I am the one who said friends first, they agreed, that's what they wanted too. In one case the women told me she was taking a dating break, which to me is "friends only". So when there is touching or closeness I do not respond. I want to, it's natural, I am attracted to them, but I don't. I even went so far as to tell one of the girls I will behave myself on the dance floor when she invited me to go dancing. She said something like "let your hands do what they want to do". The next day she texted me and said "you were well behaved". I guess in a way I am a little confused as I am finding myself attracted to two of these women, I want to keep the friendship as I enjoy our friendship. It's very cool to have female friends; something new to me. If I was not seeing signs from them I would probably not be thinking about this. With comments like this, it's clear they see you as more than a friend. They want to date you, and have accepted less in the hopes that someday you'll want to date them. This isn't "real friendship." She has ulterior motives.
Author Babolat Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) With comments like this, it's clear they see you as more than a friend. They want to date you, and have accepted less in the hopes that someday you'll want to date them. This isn't "real friendship." She has ulterior motives. I don't disagree. One of the two I met 1 1/2 years ago right before I started dating my now ex gf. We met out in a group setting 3-4 times. We were setting up a date, though by then I had had 2 dates with my now ex gf and told her I do not multi date and I wanted to see where that went. I reached out to her after my break up, telling her I was not ready to date, that we could hang out as friends. She was dating soemone then and said she would contact me if that did not work it. Well, she later contacted me. I reiterated friends, and she even said that made her feel more comfortable, and we have seen each other 5-6 times over the past 4 months. She is the one who made the dancing comments. She has recently told me she does not have male friends and does not beleive the male/female friendship things works...so I am not so sure about her. The other woman, the one I described in RedRobins reply, how I met her, I am not so sure what her interests are past friendship, if any. I am much closer to her as a person, a friend and I truly care about her. She really only got touchy with me once. 5 of us went to a concert, her best friend and husband, me and her other male best friend. We sat next to each other. I tried to let her sit next to her male bf of 10 years, though she sat next to me. This actually happens every time we go out and he is with the group...she will sit with and walk with me. She grabbed my arm a few times to rub it from being cold and touched my chest once to put something into a sweater pocket. Other than that, it's just warm hugs when we meet sometimes. We had not seen each other in almost two weeks; met up this weekend and she came running to me to hug me, which is not like her as I usually initiate the hugs. With her I am a little less assertive and let her make plans or ask me to do something; though recently I have been reaching out to her, taking more control, and she has been responding yes. Every time we go out as a group, say for dinner, I let things shake out as far as where people will sit and we always end up sitting next to each other. We have been invited to other couples houses for dinner a few times, which feels odd, but fun. She once brought a beer I had had the last time we were out to a couples dinner as she remembered I liked it. I thought that was very sweet. Edited August 8, 2013 by Babolat
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Ok... what would you do if one of them grabbed you and kissed you one of those times you two were close? I'm asking because one of my female friends did that with a guy she'd been seeing in a situation similar to yours. He wasn't making the first, definitive, physical move. So she did. They have now been married for 10 years and have two kids.
Author Babolat Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Ok... what would you do if one of them grabbed you and kissed you one of those times you two were close? I'm asking because one of my female friends did that with a guy she'd been seeing in a situation similar to yours. He wasn't making the first, definitive, physical move. So she did. They have now been married for 10 years and have two kids. Honestly, I dunno. My first thought is pull back. My 2nd thought is it would depend on the mood and if the kiss felt right.
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Are you sleeping with any of these women you are 'hanging out with'? If not, then I commend you because I think you are have found a more mature approach to getting to know a woman. If you are sleeping with them, then it will just cause problems in the long run as one or the other of you will get attached.
Author Babolat Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Are you sleeping with any of these women you are 'hanging out with'? If not, then I commend you because I think you are have found a more mature approach to getting to know a woman. If you are sleeping with them, then it will just cause problems in the long run as one or the other of you will get attached. No, not sleeping with them. No romance at all.
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Seems a good way of truly getting to know someone then. This is what I do, but guys always push for more too fast. They assume if you won't get physically involved from the start you never will. When you are older (like me), you realise that it takes time to get to know a person and that a little patience can help. Anyone can be sweet in the first few exchanges but given a little time, the red flags appear and one is thankful for not having taken it further too soon.
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) In the past, were you generally the one to make the first move physically? Do they know what your history is that way? What are you doing for them that is more friend-like, rather than just hanging out and paying Dutch? I'm asking because to me this is sounding more and more like non-sexual multi-dating... not a 'just friends' situation....and the other ladies pushed your limits too soon expecting you to just jump on her like other guys do. Me personally, I don't go dance and grind with friends only. Period. No exceptions. A hug is as far as it goes. If it were a dance class, and that was part of the routine... then, that's structured and not open to interpretation. These other things sound like you are toying with crossing lines... which is ok. I'm just saying that it is possible... even likely... they are developing romantic feelings for you. My guess is that the ones you are playing with and going on date-like things with won't take it kindly if they start to feel like your backup plan, a placeholder, or your emotional learn-on, until you find some young thing that sets your pants on fire... like some of your guy friends think you should. The women close to your age aren't going to let themselves get emotionally involved with a guy who thinks they are fine for having fun, but not committing to. What ARE you looking for? If you don't mind me asking? Edited August 9, 2013 by RedRobin
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