dsw31 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 (edited) My ex dumped me over a year ago & I have tried everything to get over it.I have dated-stayed single, been in therapy, spent time with family & friends.I've seriously tried to get over it but I can't.It doesn't help that I have BPD & I have to see my ex all the time. I have managed to stay strictly no contact for over a year too...but I had an impulsive moment the other day.I saw his car & noticed the passenger seat had been moved way back.That pissed me off bad! I texted him this "Tell your gf not to move your passenger seat cause it gives me the urge to blow your brains out" He replied right away & said he doesnt have a gf & asked what else is new.I told him thay not much is new except that I have no emotions anymore & I can't like any other guy, no matter what.He said he is sorry to hear that cause he is emotionally screwed up ftom me & how I cheated on him in the very first 3 months of our relationship.I said thanks for throwing it in my face cause I hate myself every single day of my life & atleast I am trying to get help. He was trying to keep the convo going because he wants to be my friend.It felt so amazing texting him but it obviously hurted tooHe told me he gets scared whenever he sees me in the hood & i said thats not being scared...its the butterflies in your tummy cause you still love me.I told him I was gonna send him something I bought him a long time ago but never sent it & that I might send it one day..I told him that he is a narc & the narc always wins in the relationship over a bpd.He said he likes how I diagnose the s***t out of him & I said I know you love it.He said somtimes.I said we are both damaged so we should just get married & he said "that's the irony"(not sure what thay means) but as nyway...I told him I have had fantasies of murdering him & he said if I'm going to do it, I should just do it or stfu about it.He said he was gonna drink a whole beer in one drink (he never used to driink)So that made me happy...that he's obviously not doing that well...but it wadnt the outcome I was hoping for.We texted a lot more that night but it was all too much to write here. My point is...I just saaw him jog past me & he waved & said hello & I was paralized.I didn't do any thing.I feel like an idiot & I feel like I don't want to live w o him.I Wont off myself but I wouldn't mind if I was killed. Edited August 6, 2013 by dsw31
esteem-jam Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 You are such a match to your avatar I mean, blowing brains out, cheating, fantasies of murder, what else...? ;p 1
Author dsw31 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Yeah, I'm a mess. I decided to text him again.I said "I didn't mean to not speak to you earlier.I just get paralized when I see you cause I know we can't be friends.I'm sorry" He replied"its ok me too"Then 10 min later he said "I thought you were gonna pull out a gat" It's like he is craving the convo just as much as me but there doesn't seem to be a chance for reconcilliation.We are just two broken people
esteem-jam Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I did not say that you are a mess. I find that devilish chick sexy, but also... shes devilish. There is some good and some bad. Just your convos with that guy seem very direct, blunt, straightforward ?(dunno a word). It seems you know each others quirks well. Be happy he responded. Imagine if he did not. Many people dont get a response, or a "closure" in their definition. Maybe you can be friends?
Zahara Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 How to be friends when the man paralyzes her and she's still a mess? 1
Author dsw31 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Whew...it's been an ex filled day I just bumped into him & for the first time ever-I didn't even cross the street.I continued to walk towards him & covered my face with my hand & said hi.He texted me a couple of minutes after & said"that was akward" I said"just akward cause I'm a sweaty slimeball today"He said"you're not slimy-did you see the zit on my face?"I said"no-I can't even really look at you cause your beautiful eyes will haunt me"He said"why are you feeding me lines like I'm some ho you want to f*ck?" I said"I'm not feeding anything.I've just learned how to be honest about my feelings.I'm sorry-I'll stop now" He said"I'm not mad-its just weird" It feels good to tell him how I really feel... even if it feeds his narcissism.I just can't go on in this world pretending like I want nothing to do with him.I still don't think that we will ever get back together but atleast I'm being genuine. I bet today Is going to set me back emotionally again but...I've been stuck on him for 17 months anyway so I may as well be honest ( I guess)
mammasita Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I'm surprised he spoke to you after the blow your brains out comment. I'd be scared to death if an ex that i dumped said that to me. 2
Author dsw31 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) I'm 32 UPDATE! I'm having an anxiety attack right now. My ex texted me about an hour ago asking if I wanna go see a concert on Saturday. I replied-sure.... Then about 15 minutes later he jogs past & crosses the street to where I am walking & asks if I got the text.I said yes & i said sure.I was all panick stricken when he bumped into me so I tried my best to look calm.He seemed a little nervous too & actaully sounded angry ( he always sounds angry)He said"what's going on with you? Are you ok?" I said yes-this is just weird.I said you're acting weird too...like you're angry...even though I know you don't mean to come across that way"(its his defense mechanism) Then he told me what time & where the concert will be & told me how much it costs (not sure if he wants me to pay for myself cause he lost his job & is broke or if its because he wants me to know we are just going as friends) Then he said"he don't want things to be weird when we see each other in the neighborhood" I got kinda crushed because Im not sure what his intention is with this.I told him a thousand times that we can never be friends but I also know I shouldnt push the issue of getting back together after this is our first time speaking in like a year.I am questioning if his intention is to make sure I'm not losing my mind or going to commit suicide or anything...cause another let down may be the straw the camels back so if that is his intention, he is going to ruin me even more than I already am ruined. Edited August 7, 2013 by dsw31
Zahara Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 You told him a thousand times you could not be friends so what would compel you to break contact and text him and put yourself in this situation of uncertainty and possible pain? It doesn't look like it could be anything more because you simply broke contact, he responded and is riding the attention train. You yourself stated there was no possibility of reconciliation. He wouldn't have said he "doesn't want things to be weird when you guys see each other in the neighborhood" if there was a chance of anything more. 2
Lost_Soul_86 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 32?....wow! Don't forget the "I fantasize about murdering you" Mammasita This whole post is just weird!
elastica Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Oh how I love this thread. No, really... I am in a very similar situation, dsw. Just talking to my ex again via text messages after 15 months of not seeing him. Have you had your date with him yet?
Author dsw31 Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Not yet elastica...tomorrow night. Goodluck to you!!
elastica Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks A bit unusual though, that you have managed 17 months NC, and now you are suddenly going out with him. I am curious about how it is going to go. Please keep us updated.
chinacat sunflower Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 "Tell your gf not to move your passenger seat cause it gives me the urge to blow your brains out" He replied right away & said he doesnt have a gf & asked what else is new.I told him thay not much is new except that I have no emotions anymore & I can't like any other guy, no matter what.He said he is sorry to hear that cause he is emotionally screwed up ftom me & how I cheated on him in the very first 3 months of our relationship.I said thanks for throwing it in my face cause I hate myself every single day of my life & atleast I am trying to get help. I had to stop reading at that point. You're picking a fight with him. If you had no emotions, you wouldn't contact him at all. And he's not throwing anything in your face because he has nothing to throw. You're the one who cheated on him. Quit playing mind games with people and maybe you will feel better about yourself. Just let it go.
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