April6 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 My husband wants a divorce. I am confused. He says the best thing we can do for our relationship is to take away the legal status. He thinks he could be attracted to me again if he didn't feel "trapped." Also, he has made it clear that if another girl becomes interested in him, he wants to pursue that option out of curiosity, and I must be ok with it or out of the picture. He's never had another serious girlfriend, although he tried as hard as any guy. Constant rejection (obesity). He started his relationship with me at age 23. My husband is very liberal and is a strong atheist, but he is attracted to girls from conservative religious backgrounds, like myself. He knows the girls he wants will reject him if he is married, but if we got a divorce, he might have a shot with another religious girl. This talk angered me, and I let him know. I want him to want me, not another, not all. He told me to stop letting him know. The only valid responses I can think of is to tolerate it or cut him off. The former is easier. We live in SC, and have to live separately for a year to get a no-fault divorce. We have different addresses, but he stays with me 80% of the time. We both call it "playing house" and we've done it throughout our relationship, even when times were good. I make great meals and grow beautiful plants, he buys me random things, we entertain guests. When the action dies down, he runs off with his friends, or goes home to his parents, only to surprise me later. The only difference is that now, there is no sex. Not even kissing on the lips, unless I insist. In 2009, my husband took a hair-growth drug that ended our sexual relationship: Propecia. Basically, he lost his sex drive, and possibly there were other effects I can't see. We haven't had sex since that year, and stopped discussing children in 2010. When I confront him about intimacy, he says that he is better now, sex-drive wise, all good in fact, just not attracted to me. He thinks our status has to change for his interest to perk up. He feels like the status of "marriage" means he's a weak tool and I'm a control freak, relationship-wise. We decided to marry for our relationship to be accepted by my family. Initially he thought we'd probably grow a family of our own. I thought we wanted to commit for life. We thought differently. We knew all along that I can only have children through invitro fertilization, and we both weren't sure if we wanted this, but talked about the option. Now, he's not interested in I.F. at all, nor is he interested in adoption. He says he probably doesn't want children, but if he does have them, he wants to have them the normal way with someone else. Once he mentioned that he wished he could steal the babies from her and give them to me. (All this bothers me. It is creepy. And confusing.) Recently he has said he's not interested in children. He just wants to be free to pursue any avenue. Side note: I still dream of raising children with him. And I would prefer to be with him childless, than with another or alone. He's the best "dad" material of anyone I dated. Basically: I think that instead of cheating on me with other women, he likes the possibility of cheating on other women with me. A wife / life-partner demoted to ... secret relationship. I want our pre-2009 life back. I want a healthy sexual relationship with him again. As far as I know, he didn't have serious, close texting pen-pal women friends before 2010-ish, and even now when I secretly look - he's never sexual with them. Flirty, attention giving, night-in-shining armor-ish. "Cry on my shoulder" guy. "Let's laugh at your sources of trouble together" type of thing. He's kind of a-sexual in general now, but he probably also fears they would run away if he made a move. Some are my friends. It is stressful to keep everything I know about them and him in my head. I feel like our last few unsuccessful tries at sex were blamed on me, not on Propecia, despite its known side effects, and he wants to try to have sex with another before returning to try a sexual relationship with me. Just to make sure. He knows that Propencia caused trouble for many dudes, but not him. It was one of many factors, that he likes to list. All the factors are my weaknesses, of course, which I have meticulously worked to improve. Unforgettable, unforgivable flaws of my past. "I feel like you're just going to break another girl's heart, like me", I once told him, when he talked about his text-pal friends. "You are not going to stop that from being an option," he countered. I've tried to find a job far away, but have been unsuccessful so far. I've tried telling him to go away, but I always cave in and welcome him. His perseverance touches me, and I like being with him. You see the reason for my confusion. I guess the divorce is going to happen, although I don't want it. As far as I know, no one but the two of us knows about divorce plans. I assume his friends and family suspect it. I am religious, and I fear my friends and family would villain-ize him if they knew any part of the truth, or be really confused. If my guy friends knew I was single, I would have to reject one / maybe some of them, too, and I dread the waters getting muddied with all that. As it is, I have to reject an ex-boyfriend who dumped me months before I found my husband. He laughs about my rejections, he knows I'm not the type of girl to cheat, just hopeful I might bite eventually. My ex is a great guy but I don't want him back, or any other guy. I just want to be happy in bed / in life with the one I love. No other girls. No cheating. I want to relive the best of our past. I am so confused. I hope someone can help me know what's going on, and the course of action that would be in my best interest.
SoleMate Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I've never heard of a relationship becoming closer through divorce. I have, however, heard of one person asking for and getting a divorce with that intention nominally in mind and then revealing once the divorce is final that it was a ruse. Overall, I would tend towards accepting the divorce as it seems the two of you have vastly differing goals and mindsets. (He is bonkers, by the way.) 2
HighheelsAries Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Divorce to rekindle love? He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Nice smooth amicable divorce, then ciao babe I am outta here... Try to reconcile without the divorce. Otherwise he wants a divorce and is lying about his motives. Ten out of ten for creative thinking tho. 1
Author April6 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 He is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You mean: he is manipulating me to keep drama at a minimum. I am aware. Also, he will disappear after the divorce is final. I think this is true, too, but will he permanently disappear? What does my next year have in store? I should divorce him anyways. I hope so, knowing that this is going to happen. I thought he would disappear when I moved out. I was surprised with "I've missed you" calls and hugs and "let's just spend the night together" evenings (not the intimate proposal I sometimes thought it was, almost more a "Mommy can I sleep with you?" thing). Also weird gifts (a $1300 camera that I returned, a $900 laptop that I kept, a vase from the thrift store still in it's grocery bag.). He loves chit-chatting on the phone about his day and taking me out to eat. I love it, too. But when I bring up divorce, he is still adamant, and hates seeing any pain in my eyes or hearing it in my voice. He has a tendency to think such emotion is manipulation, and our talk goes sour fast. I like the "he is bonkers, by the way" response. He often says that I am crazy, but all women are and I am less than most. I must admit my social skills are not on par, and my choice in men was extremely unconventional. I feel a little like a cat-toy. I've had a haunting feeling, since the beginning of our relationship, that I've been a "good for now" girl. He's always said it's not true, although in the first days of our relationship, he admitted to still being attracted to his "ex" (they were platonic the whole time due to her insistence). He said he wished he could have us both. He has kept loose ties with her the whole time. Today he says he knows he can not fix her problems, and is no longer interested in her sexually, same as me. But she will always be his friend, as will I, and he will always contact us, no matter what. It's hard for me to stomach being in the same category as her. He says that he once thought he could fix my "insecurity" through attention, sex and giving a sense of security. He says that he knows now he can't, and that's the reason for his lack of interest. He has said my self-esteem is too low and that I'm too awkward socially to be his mate or the mother of his children, "but maybe you will fix yourself on your own, and we can start again." This confuses me because all the girls he chats with are JUST LIKE MYSELF - wallflowers, who chat with him about how the world seems broken around them. Also, I like my personality (and theirs). And, third, in the years before our sex life ended, he seemed satisfied with me - proud, even. Due to his obesity, I have this fear that I will permanently be a "good for now" girl, hanging on the edge so he will never again know complete loneliness. He is pulling wool over my eyes. I am a blind girl in a purgatory that will end in a divorce, and lead to who knows what. I accept manipulation out of necessity. Do I need the stamina to utterly reject him, and break all ties to end this confusion? Is there hope? What options do I have?
Lei Ping Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I thought he would disappear when I moved out. I was surprised with "I've missed you" calls and hugs and "let's just spend the night together" evenings (not the intimate proposal I sometimes thought it was, almost more a "Mommy can I sleep with you?" thing). Also weird gifts (a $1300 camera that I returned, a $900 laptop that I kept, a vase from the thrift store still in it's grocery bag.). He loves chit-chatting on the phone about his day and taking me out to eat. I love it, too. But when I bring up divorce, he is still adamant, and hates seeing any pain in my eyes or hearing it in my voice. He has a tendency to think such emotion is manipulation, and our talk goes sour fast. my choice in men was extremely unconventional. I feel a little like a cat-toy. I've had a haunting feeling, since the beginning of our relationship, that I've been a "good for now" girl. He's always said it's not true, although in the first days of our relationship, he admitted to still being attracted to his "ex" (they were platonic the whole time due to her insistence). He said he wished he could have us both. He has kept loose ties with her the whole time. Today he says he knows he can not fix her problems, and is no longer interested in her sexually, same as me. But she will always be his friend, as will I, and he will always contact us, no matter what. It's hard for me to stomach being in the same category as her. He says that he once thought he could fix my "insecurity" through attention, sex and giving a sense of security. He says that he knows now he can't, and that's the reason for his lack of interest. He has said my self-esteem is too low and that I'm too awkward socially to be his mate or the mother of his children, "but maybe you will fix yourself on your own, and we can start again." This confuses me because all the girls he chats with are JUST LIKE MYSELF - wallflowers, who chat with him about how the world seems broken around them. Also, I like my personality (and theirs). And, third, in the years before our sex life ended, he seemed satisfied with me - proud, even. Is there hope? What options do I have? Ahem. It seems to me that you don't have a Husband. You have a Gay BFF who may or may not realize that he is Gay. Take him to a Trans Man show one day and gauge his reaction. You'll be doing the both of you a favor.
GuyInLimbo Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 OP, you're not confused. You're completely delusional. Do the world, and yourself, a favor and do NOT try to have kids with him. It would be incredibly irresponsible of you to even think about it. This relationship is OVER. DEAD. He's trying to let you down easy (albeit with incredibly blatant and stupid logic that you seem to, at least, give thought to). Grow up and get rid of this guy and find someone you can be happy with. Your 2009 "happiness" is in the past. It's not going to come back at this point. He's immature. Depressed. And who knows what else. It seems pretty clear he's not ever going to seek whatever is wrong with HIM and will repeat his destructive patterns. You? You need to put your big girl panties on, seek therapy for your deep insecurities and THEN worry about having a healthy relationship with someone and having kids. And STOP worrying about what your friends and family think about you OR him. They aren't the ones stuck in a dead relationship. In fact, don't even involve them. It's none of their business. If you feel they will be judgmental, then keep them in the dark and give them as few vague details as you see fit. The rest is your business. Period. 1
Author April6 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Delusional. You must be right. I am planning to get therapy. I've had it before this relationship, and it helped me then. Dead relationship. Guess so, but ouch.
Author April6 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 We are both going to individual therapy - husband agreed last night, and I'm making the appointments.
Author April6 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Ahem. It seems to me that you don't have a Husband. You have a Gay BFF who may or may not realize that he is Gay. Take him to a Trans Man show one day and gauge his reaction. You'll be doing the both of you a favor. Untrue. Unappreciated. The world needs to realize that sexual dysfunction exists, making both straight and gay individuals a-sexual. I've seen the man's porn throughout our relationship. He is straight.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 April, Your soon to be x husband (STBXH), is not interested in you anymore sexually. He sees you as a parent, or mother figure, a safety net if you will. But not sexually. His statements indicate that abd the rest is smoke. And maybe just maybe he just doesn't want to hurt you. So he is making up a future that will never happen to keep the peace and avoid conflict with you. You mentioned that you think he will come back....I have to ask, what do you get out of this relationship? You both can negotiate a different kind of relationship... I mean, if both of you are ok with him trolling for girls to have sex with, knowing it will NEVER BE YOU AGAIN. I assume you would be free to meet and be intimate with others as well. Whatever you agree on. I just don't know why you would. 1
revitup Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I would love to be a fly on the wall of that therapist's office! There are some crazy things going on here.I can't say I understand either one of you.It's your world and all but I see you as having some serious issues as well here. Maybe this relationship has changed you in some way,maybe it was always there.Either way you need to get to therapy and gain some self esteem as fast as possible.Your thinking is puzzling to me. Three years with no booty Both of you are still infatuated with x's Neither of you wants to stay Neither of you is committed to the other And neither of you wants to leave...for real Well I'm no Dr Phil but I will say that this is dysfunctional and toxic in every way I can imagine.There must be something you think you gain by staying,what is that? REVITUP
Author April6 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) I want a monogamous relationship, and he knows it. I like our home and social life. We share some hobbies and have similar tastes in a wide variety of things. He's a good cheerleader and source of ideas, and I am for him, too. Like therapy. He mentioned I should get some one sobby night last week. I found out it was covered by his insurance and encouraged him to go last night, as well. He agreed. Off we go. Other than go to therapy, though, I don't know what I should do. Force myself to date others? That doesn't seem appealing and I doubt it would go well. Ensure I don't have contact with him? This would be hard. You're right about the mom / son thing. Sometimes I try to play coach instead, trying to get him to establish healthy habits, so he can function better alone. But he doesn't have a lot of stamina with routine. He has said at one time that since I'm the only one he's ever known sexually, and since I cannot get pregnant naturally, he wants to "taste more flavors" and then, maybe, come back to me. Maybe not. Maybe he'd have kids with another girl, even. He has said that if he becomes a father he will not divorce no matter what he thinks of the mother. He does not want to put his children through that. Otherwise, he wants to choose the best possible partner after shopping a little more. My husband says that he is bored with me sexually and he can be unfairly critical of my... attributes. Been there, done that, declined in quality, moving on. Other than myself, all women have rejected having an intimate relationship with him. Every one. He is very obese, and has grown up with a mother who thinks very lowly of all females and did everything for him that was literally possible. Now that we are apart, his mom is THRILLED to take over the necessities, and dislikes him seeing me (I think because she is jealous of mommy2). Imagine Eric Cartman's mom. I sometimes wonder if she'd wipe his ass if he asked her to. Never having to interact with that woman again is the best gem divorce has to offer. My husband is a narcissist without a good concept of who he really is, or what's going on around him. He's great fun socially. He has an incredibly high IQ and photographic memory, so he's the perfect source for answers. And he's always available to listen, so girls love him platonically. But he forgets to bathe, wears the same clothes day in and day out, weighs over 350 lbs., etc. This is the main reason I think he'll come back to me: the girls will continue to reject him. SUCH an acquired taste, and since he's kind of picky about girls' appearances (clean and thin are musts), it's almost funny imagining any of them agreeing to anything. I know it sounds like a horror to be in love with, but he's not much different from my favorite uncle who was alone his whole life. My uncle only had one girlfriend for a few years in college, was an obese hoarder, and died of a stroke in his early 50's. But he was a great guy. He taught me many things, and inspired me in many ways. My uncle always seemed sad, as my husband seemed when I met him. I didn't want my husband's life to be wasted in that way. I've known all along that there's a good chance nothing will happen after the divorce. I hate to think that I'll never have sex with the man again (at the start of our relationship, he was in much better shape and great at sex), but I know, on a level, that nothing will ever happen sexually between him and I again. "Delusional" is a good assessment of me. We are going to start therapy individually, which I hope means that there is hope. Same shrink, different time slots. Edited August 7, 2013 by April6
Author April6 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I would love to be a fly on the wall of that therapist's office! There are some crazy things going on here.I can't say I understand either one of you.It's your world and all but I see you as having some serious issues as well here. Maybe this relationship has changed you in some way,maybe it was always there.Either way you need to get to therapy and gain some self esteem as fast as possible.Your thinking is puzzling to me. Three years with no booty Both of you are still infatuated with x's Neither of you wants to stay Neither of you is committed to the other And neither of you wants to leave...for real Well I'm no Dr Phil but I will say that this is dysfunctional and toxic in every way I can imagine.There must be something you think you gain by staying,what is that? REVITUP Yes, we are confusing! But I can sort that list out. My ex is infatuated with me, but ew. I am NOT with him. He's as crazy as my husband, trust me. I entertain somewhat of a friendship with my ex to remind myself (and my husband) that I am attractive. Perhaps my husband is still infatuated with his "ex". But she's married and trying for kids. This single thing is not very fun for either of us. I am committed, but much would prefer divorce to what I've had the past few years. He is not committed. And he is around. I assume this will change when someone else grabs his attention. Kind of lonely on the front, I suppose. 1
revitup Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 April6 You have a lot on your plate and I wish you well in this endeavor.It's really hard to see any reason at all to like this non bathing,stanky,slovenly,sex withholding,porno watching genius of a Mensa for which you have fallen. You can do better than this.I know you can. This is one of those rare times the term "What you need is a good ol' horse @#$%ing" is in order.I think that might be all you need. I do see you as an optimist and humor shines through in your writing though. Good luck REVITUP
Author April6 Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Thanks Revitup. There's part of me that knows you are right. Stubbornness seems to bring more bad than good. He seems to have slightly mixed feelings now, and is a little more trusting when I encourage him to be independent, now that I made myself a therapy appointment. I guess he figures that if I can try to improve, he can, too. He's still insistent on the divorce, so luckily my stubbornness doesn't matter, and I don't necessarily have to heed a kick in the butt. But I still hope he and I can make our partnership work.
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