Coolit Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Today I saw xMM's mother. I really don't know her. Apparently she works at a local box store. Didn't realize this until I found myself in her checkout line. I know she knows nothing so I treated her like I treat all cashiers. But it was a trigger. Thankfully it wasn't a panic attack trigger or an overly emotional one. But it made me think of the last time I saw xMM. During our conversation when I had wanted to rake him over the coals for lying to his W about what had went on he had twisted things around to where I was apologizing to him... I didn't say all I had wanted to. I didn't let him have it. I did learn the extent of his lies and it was also nice to look at him and feel only disgust. I am embarrassd that I risked it all for him. But at the close of our conversation he said some pretty nasty things about my H. Things he had never said before. We did not spouse dis. I was already feeling like the scum of the earth and like he was twisting everything I was saying so I walked away. Now, going back over it I want to punch him... Hard. How dare he say that the A was my husband's fault and all those other things about him? There he was sitting, all judgemental, when he lies to his W and she believes him even after numerous times cheating! It makes me angry. And i am angry at myself when I had this one chance to be angry to his face and let loose I was manipulated into silence. I asked my H if I could write him an angry letter and H said he would gladly sign it with me (xMM and his wife like to believe i haven't told H the truth). But I know xMM will tell his W and then she will threaten me... Again. Of course if I sent it as an email to his super secret email address he might have trouble showing it to her. Don't worry, I'll let it go. I'm not breaking NC even if it is to tell him he is a worthless slimeball that could never be half the man my husband is. I just got triggered and wanted to vent a little. 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Your feelings are understandable. All too often, we build up an idea of what we want to say or do-just to have the flames unexpectedly quelled by the source of our ire. And once we're away from said source of our ire, the flames pick up again, and thus, we kick ourselves for not giving them the lashing they deserve. If you want to do the angry letter thing, by all means. Your H is supportive, which is a good sign. But, think of it this way; if you give him the lashing you're burning for, you're also giving him something else; power. Because of the fact that you're still mad at him, he'll get some sort of sick, twisted ego boost from it. I know, it's maddening. Oh god, do I ever know (not in reference to relationships necessarily, but to other confrontational scenarios). You're torn between letting the rage out on the one deserving of it, and holding back to preserve your pride. Vent away. Scream out in the middle of nowhere, if you have to. But don't give that sorry SOB any satisfaction. You're worth more than that. 2
Artie Lang Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 OP, do you really feel you were manipulated? i mean, don't you have free will..... we do have a choice, you know. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 To a real extent, it would have been comforting to me as a BH for my WW to have shown some negative emotion about the OM. She never did and I could tell she was pining for him. She never said it but she also never said a negative word and got upset when I did. That said, the ultimate goal is to reach indifference, to reach a place where the AP is simply no longer relevant. Your H deserves that, too. It takes a good long while. To be honest, I'm not sure how long. I'm still pissed at my exwife and the OM for ruining two families. It surely doesn't help that I have to see her twice a week and endure coparenting with her. I don't have the luxury of NC and that precludes me reaching a point of mental NC, which should probably be your goal. As RD eluded to, I'd probably skip the letter (especially since it doesn't sound like it will be well-received by either of them). Focus on your reconciliation. 2
Author Coolit Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 OP, do you really feel you were manipulated? i mean, don't you have free will..... we do have a choice, you know. I was emotionaly manipulated by him at this meeting. I was not manipulated into the A if that was your confusion. I didn't realize he was turning things around so that I felt like I had no reason to be angry. It was only after leaving that I realized what he had done. During the A I can now see other times he manipulated the outcome of a discussion. And taking what his W had told me about his previous indiscretions I think he is a very manipulative man. He doesn't not like being a bad guy and he doesn't like those close to hin thinking he is. I know a letter is a bad idea. He'd probably just think it was me trying to get him back. That's why I vented on here. I just wish he knew that I think my husband is a much better man than him. But outside of seeing his mum I actually haven't given him much thought recently. And I do not have any fond memories. The sex stuff makes me feel sick an disgusted when my mind goes there and I think "how could I have done that???" and the good things that happened with them as friends fills me with regret for conplicating our lives in such a small community. And the knowledge that I tainted something as harmless and simple as having dinner with friends by having a secret relationship with the other couple.
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