Ex birthday dilemma

[BlueLP]

My ex's b-day is coming up in a couple days. We have been doing no contact for almost two months now, and I think it's for the best. I still don't know if we'll be able to be friends at some point or not, it was meaningful enough to me that we may not go there.

 

I'd really like just to continue as it is for now, but if I didn't say happy birthday, I know her and she'd take it as me communicating that I don't want anything to do with her, and am possibly angry/upset with her.

 

I want to be nice to her still and protect the possiblity of being friends later (I still care about her), so I'm going to say hi. I just wish her birthday hadn't come so soon!

 

I've decided that I'm simply going to send her an e-card that says something like "Happy Birthday, I didn't want to let your b-day slide by without acknowledging it. Hope you are well...take care, X" Simple, says what I want to express.

 

I don't really have a question, but wanted to share my position. Anyone else have to deal with fun situations like this? I hate how this will necessitate contact between us...if she only send a quick "thanks, hope you are well" back, I think I'll be a little upset because it's not more, but on the other hand if she uses this contact to try to start talking again, I'll be upset about having to deal with that too.

 

I don't want either outcome, just a little more time to get over her....stupid breakups Guess I'll deal with it as it comes

[dizi]

"I still don't know if we'll be able to be friends at some point or not, it was meaningful enough to me that we may not go there. "

 

Does this mean that it's too much for you to be friends? I'm confused....

 

"I want to be nice to her still and protect the possiblity of being friends later (I still care about her)..."

 

You DO want to be friends with her? What broke you two up, and is there a chance for a friendship? Why couldn't your friendship immediately proceed the "relationship"? Hard feelings? How long were you together?

 

I understand that you want to let her know that you care. Part of me says that maybe you should send her an ecard with something simple like what you said, but also throwing in there that you aren't expecting a reply, in fact it might be best that she doesn't, but you didn't want the day to go by without acknowledging it. She may or may not reply. The other part of me says that since you haven't spoken to her in 2 months, maybe it's best that you don't. If you need time to get over her, don't do it....If you're afraid that she may use your contact to start talking again, why risk it ? If you're afraid she might not have much to say, why do it?

 

I had an ex boyfriend who decided to send me a card when I was seeing someone else. We'd been broken up for quite a while. I felt bad because he was a sweet guy, my first love, really, but I knew it was best not to respond. Either way, response or no response, I would break his heart because he still REALLY cared for me. (It was a LDR and I just couldn't do it) I don't know if you know what's going on in her life right now, but what if she's moved on and she doesn't respond at all? Are you ready for the rejection or will you be ok with it?

[iceisles]

I'm in the same boat - my ex's birthday is next week and we haven't spoken in a month. Our last conversation ended on very good terms. It's tough, but I've decided that I won't be acknowledging her birthday. Do I still care about her? Certainly. Do I hope that she has worked out the issues in her life? Of course. But after being dumped and kept around on a string, she does not deserve my recognition of her birthday. I think forgetting a friend's birthday is a pretty crap*y thing to do, but she is not the same "friend" I used to know.

 

It has been my experience (and that of others) that is very difficult to remain friends with an ex, particularly just a few weeks or months after the breakup. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but stick with the NC and don't cling to the hope that she'll come back. Even if she does, will she be the same girl you fell in love with? The odds are she won't.

[BlueLP]

Let me clarify a couple things about my initial post....

 

Does this mean that it's too much for you to be friends? I'm confused....

 

I would like to be friends with her at some point if it is possible. I've learned from some past relationships that even though things change, there are some meaningful connections you form with people that are never extinguished. I'm good friends with a couple of my ex's, and we have deep connections. However, I'm concerned with this one that we reached a height of feeling in our relationship that the breakup will make it too awkward and hard for both of us to ever be friends. We understand each other so well and have such a history, I think the "friends" middle ground might not work. You're picking up on my confusion here...I like the idea of being friends again but wonder if it might be too much.

 

If you need time to get over her, don't do it....If you're afraid that she may use your contact to start talking again, why risk it ? If you're afraid she might not have much to say, why do it?

 

I think these are just my last remaining fears having to do with her having an effect on me. I'm about 80% recovered emotionally at this point (2.5 months after a 1.5 year relationship). I'm to a point where I'm not looking forward to these possibilities, but know that I'll need to face them eventually to finish getting over her.

 

I think I'm ready to handle it or I would simply not acknowledge the b-day...so I'm saying that I'd rather do this now and get it out of the way, but I'm still scare s***less.

 

It has been my experience (and that of others) that is very difficult to remain friends with an ex, particularly just a few weeks or months after the breakup. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but stick with the NC and don't cling to the hope that she'll come back. Even if she does, will she be the same girl you fell in love with? The odds are she won't.

 

I'm not hoping for her to come back...it is over in my mind. We had a couple chances and it didn't work. So that's not my particular purpose for no contact...I've changed as a person since then and I can see now that she was not who I thought she was. It's sad, but the way she is emotionally doesn't work with me (or in my opinion with anyone in a long-term relationship).

 

But I do still think she's a good-meaning, wonderful person, and it'd be nice to check in at some point to be friendly and see how life is going. That whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing? You care about them and want to see them doing well.

[dizi]

Well, I'm taking it that you are the one who really made the decision to break up. I guess since you know her better than she knows herself, you might know how she might react if you contact her. Did you break up in sort of a bad way, but not to the point that you couldn't contact her? I know the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing. I guess if you do it, and she tries to get back together, you can let her know that you don't feel that way anymore, etc. It's never fun, but it's the truth. I know you want to call her once in a while to see how she is. I've done that too. It pretty much depends on the break up. Maybe once in a while to check up on her? Then she can tell you if it's good or bad. Might not be as big of a deal as you think!