templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 So my ex broke up with me because of a stupid fight as usual, I involved her family letting them know we were taking a break in a moment of anger and this just pushed her to tell me it was over for good (we had had a 2-month break already). She basically ended it through e-mail after 2.5 years. A month later I found out she was snooping through my linked in account (she blocked me off FB at my request). Then IO did some text terrorism, no insults or anything, just wanting to talk, why she was doing this, ignoring me like this, that I need time to change, but I'll be back for her, etc. She ignored everything. So I went no contact for 6 weeks now. She is having the time of her life in South America with a cousin of hers. HOWEVER, one time she asked me why would an ex have pictures of their ex on FB, she couldn't understand (she is insecure), but after almost 4 months, she still has the few pics of us on her FB. Last message I sent her was about this, but she ignored it of course. I am holding onto those pics as if it was hope, especially after what she said to me that time. Can it be she is not really OVER me and just still very much pissed off?
JDPT Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 On the contrary I think she is diligently working on getting over you. We can't hold our exes accountable for that they said during or after the relationship, see it as if they didn't mean a thing. My ex swore to my mother how much she loved me and what a great guy I was and that we will always be together, oh did I mention she is my ex now? What I'm trying to say is don't hold her statements hostage, let them go, move forward with your life, focus on yourself and the life you have ahead of you. Don't dwell on why she still has pictures of you or her viewing your linkedin page, my ex viewed my linkedin page as well, I used to get excited about it but not anymore. Mover forward and don't look back, she is clearly doing that.
Author templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 On the contrary I think she is diligently working on getting over you. We can't hold our exes accountable for that they said during or after the relationship, see it as if they didn't mean a thing. My swore to my mother how much she loves me and what a great guy I am and that we will always be together, oh did I mention she is my ex now? What I'm trying to say is don't hold her statements hostage, let them go, move forward with your life, focus on yourself and the life you have ahead of you. Don't dwell on why she still have picture of you or her viewing your linkedin page, my ex viewed my linkedin page I used to get excited about it but not anymore. Mover forward and don't look back, she is clearly doing that. But if she wanted that, why not just delete the 5-6 pics she has of us after almost 4 months? I mean, she clearly knows that are there. She is not the 'evil' type, so I don't think she does it on purpose, but then again, dumpers do change their modus operandi post breakup and turn cold and very mean!!! How do you think she is getting over me? By taking a trip?
JDPT Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Its quiet honestly irrelevant what her motives are to hang on to pictures. It only hinders your recovery to look for her online and see pictures of the two of you. I say she is moving on because she is applying NC on you as anyone who is serious about moving forward with their life. I suggest you do the same. You can text her and tell her you have cancer and she will not respond. There is no longer "us" now you are this stand alone unit that need to fend for yourself. And her going on a trip is just another form of distraction which she is using to her benefit. What I'm trying to say is don't dwell on the mundane, you have better things to do with your life, embark on your recovery and work diligently towards it.
Author templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you for the message. Its just sooo hard cause I can't get her off my mind. 6 weeks of NC have helped me heal a bit, I am not as depressed, eating better, etc, but even with her insecurities and jealousy, I still miss her a lot. I know what you say about her NC, but when we broke up for 2 months, she applied the same, although that time she did reply to a few things from me. Never initiated anything or agree to actually meet when I said lets meet on January 1st. She did meet me and told me she missed me a lot. So, she missed me, but never initiated contact?
JDPT Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Very similar to my situation, when my ex an I took a few "breaks" here and there she would still reply when I attempted to contact her, but this time around she means business, I broke NC a while ago and she will simply not respond to anything I had to say, stone cold silence, do you heard that? I don't either it was complete silence. I can suggest to reroute your thoughts when you think of her, trust me I know how difficult that can be specially when you obsess over the "amazing" moments you and your ex spent together. Additionally, remove her immediately from that pedestal, you acknowledge she had flaws just like anyone else and focus on the reason why you guys aren't together, internalize and accept it fully. Remember the times she used to make you feel mentally exhausted, I can remember those moments with my ex, it was mentally draining and quiet honestly as much as it used to hurt, I'm better off without her draining the life out of me slowly. Reroute your thoughts when you think of her, you have a long road ahead filled with ups and downs and that's perfectly fine it's part of your recovery process, we are all here for you.
Author templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you...appreciate it! . Was your ex the insecure, jealous type? Mine did drain me and I find it quiet ungrateful cause I wasn't perfect and had some anger issues, but she drove me nuts sometimes. I am as loyal as can be, don't even have female friends locally and even if I had, so what, I am honest and loyal. Yet, she had low self esteem and was jealous of her cousins, and I think even my sister, NOT in a sexual way of course, but me being close to my sister and spending time with her! I mean, I had to walk through egg-shells sometimes so this girl wouldn't throw a fit because I mentioned my sister. She does have to work on her issues obviously, but still she is a sweet, caring girl and sometimes when I got angry I was a jerk and I get these guilt trips sometimes that all I want to do is go there and apologize, even though I did it already. I was never abusive or anything, but sometimes yelling, chasing her to talk to me instead of ignoring me when we got into fights, etc. Afterwards I felt like **** for doing that and I need to work on that, but that is exactly where my hope stems from, that after a period of change we can find each other again and be who we were when we were good without those anxieties damaging what otherwise would be a great thing. I just don't know how her issues with my sister could be resolved. I tried to be patient, tried, but she did drain me sometimes. She is also close to her big family and never could understand that other than her, I also have a sister that I am close to, while both my parents live overseas. I mean, its not like I brought my sis to dates or anything, but sometimes the mention of my sister made her think she wasn't a priority in my life. Irony is, she was and couldn't get that her own insecurities were the ones causing so much rift. So yeah, she drained me sometimes and since the BU I am way more calm, I don't get angry at other people, etc.
JDPT Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 No she was not jealous AT ALL, unless she hid it very well. I would never be able to have a relationship with a jealous and insecure woman, I would be so disgusted and turned off. We at times fail to admit that we are in a toxic relationship, we choose to stay because it's comforting and warm, we have someone who will be there for us, talk to us, cuddle with us, have sex with us, it can get very comfortable. And we tend to sugar coat the sh.it. We never take into consideration the quality of life we are living and chose to stick around and be miserable nonetheless. Learn from this experience and move forward, it helps us grow into better people and refrain us from making the same mistakes we made with future relationships.
Author templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Yes, its true. I mean, I was comfortable, you know, going to dinner with her family, to events, seeing sweet text messages, closeness, sex, etc. However, most of our fights, and we had many, were about that, me getting angry at the constant accusations or at the fact that I couldn't be myself sometimes, feeling apprehensive about answering a text message, etc. However, we are both Jewish with similar values, culture, etc, and she was my first love, we were even engaged for a little bit. It just feels like she has been so ungrateful cause I wasn't a saint, but I was so romantic, comforted her when she was feeling low, tried to help her, I even suggested she goes to counseling. And now her family doesn't like me because of a couple of stupid anxious things I did, but I was the one who was there for her when was feeling insecure about other girls, etc. Her family thinks I am the devil and she is a saint, and it hurts too bad because I was soooo much to her and the fact that she doesn't see it is so stupid. My therapist said, you can't live with her and can't live without her. Its true cause I do miss her sweetness and care, and now she has transformed into this person I don't even recognize anymore like if I had cheated on her or who knows. My therapist, who actually counseled us a few times asked me to stay NC for 90 days at which point she could reach out to her and that why the rejection to at least talk wouldn't be straight to my face. All I want is talk, I mean, I would even tell her to take time away, that I won't pressure her or anything and I mean it. I do love her and want us to be good with each other, but I think her mind is warped up and it hurts, because if she was more rational, she would at least listen or understand she was a priority. I mean, she is letting go someone that refuses to let her go, even with her knowing her issues. Its so unreal!
JDPT Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Keep seeing your therapist, that's one of the best things you can do at this point. Ask her/him to provide you with techniques to get through the grieving process (5 stages of grieving) this will help you tremendously. I view recovery as doing a combination of exercises to help propel you into your future. Once you get the ball rolling and start feeling better you will know exactly what to do and will steer your life towards a good path.
Apparition Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 This relationship seems very unhealthy. I think both of you need to be away from each other for more than a couple of months. Love is suppose to be about trust, faithfulness, consideration, and putting the other before yourself. There could be a million reasons why she has not deleted the pictures off of Facebook, but why does it matter? She broke it off with you, after you both have had a break already for ??? long. She may have not got around to deleting them just yet. My advice to you would be, worry about yourself and stop worrying about what she is doing and if she still loves you. If she did, she would not have dumped you coldly and ignored you. She is now having the time of her life, you say. It is now time for you to do the same. Good luck.
Author templeofmax Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 This relationship seems very unhealthy. I think both of you need to be away from each other for more than a couple of months. Love is suppose to be about trust, faithfulness, consideration, and putting the other before yourself. There could be a million reasons why she has not deleted the pictures off of Facebook, but why does it matter? She broke it off with you, after you both have had a break already for ??? long. She may have not got around to deleting them just yet. My advice to you would be, worry about yourself and stop worrying about what she is doing and if she still loves you. If she did, she would not have dumped you coldly and ignored you. She is now having the time of her life, you say. It is now time for you to do the same. Good luck. Yes, it was unhealthy because disrespect was the order of the day, and her trust issues were too deep. I can be as loyal as it comes and I was still being blamed for the sins of others before me. She even mentioned one time that she wasn't healthy to be in a relationship and I thought I could be patient, and we tried, but it just did not happen. We are two good people who found each other at the wrong damn time. I know 2 months is nothing if these issues need to be dealt with. that is why it hurts soo much, cause anxieties damaged what otherwise would had been something different. He lack of communication and storming out of the car instead of talking things was too hard to handle. Communication is key in a relationship.
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