How long does a WS 'fake' R

[ladydesigner]

Actually, following DDAY, My H said many a bizarre thing and I knew he was just paying lip service.

 

This is very normal behavior. They want it all to calm down quickly so they can go back to eating cake, which they love!

 

But I was in super sleuth mood and was not having any of it. Every time I discovered contact, even as friends, I tossed him out again until he "got it."

 

I also refused any talk of us. Who wants to be the default choice? Not me.

 

When he initiated NC for good, I could tell. He was reconnecting totally to me even though I remained unsure for a very long time.

 

I think it depends on how much one is willing to tolerate to reconcile.

 

I tolerated nothing, which I believe shocked the both of them. While in the affair, they convinced themselves I didn't love him, I'd ruin him in a divorce, I ruin his relationship with his kids.....NONE of which proved true at DDAY!

 

Yes likewise. There was a consequence after every DDay. I never once begged or pleaded with him to stay. There are still consequences as I trigger often and am really only 9 months out from the last contact they had (DDay 4).

 

I am not sure where I am heading and I'm not sure how this is going to end, but time will tell and each day I get a little stronger.

 

My WH and MOW convinced themselves that I was abusive to him because I only had sex with him 2x a week and I was a mean 'mommy' for asking him to spend more time with me and the kids. MOW was being abused by her BS so I know she was miserable. My WH felt sorry for her (he admits this is why he fell for her) and that she 'needed' him and I didn't, I was self-sufficient.

[janedoe67]

Then he is most fortunate to have you in his life. It is commendable that you simultaneously stood your ground, while also showing mercy in other regards, such as his relationship with his children.

 

I agree with this statement. It is hard to find that ground between being a doormat and just cutting off all thoughts of recovery and redemption immediately. Too much doormat and a WS cake-eats. No chance at all and, well, it's done, and a possible chance and reconciliation is just off the table.

 

I try to reserve judgment about a WS/OP until I see a pattern of action/attitude because they can still have character potential even if they are slow to repent. Or they can say all the right things and just be playing everyone.

[Coolit]

My WH and MOW convinced themselves that I was abusive to him because I only had sex with him 2x a week and I was a mean 'mommy' for asking him to spend more time with me and the kids. MOW was being abused by her BS so I know she was miserable. My WH felt sorry for her (he admits this is why he fell for her) and that she 'needed' him and I didn't, I was self-sufficient.

 

Good God , how did he survive (tongue in cheek). H and I only had sex about six times in one year... And I in no way considered this a factor in my cheating. I wanted to but couldn't convince myself. After all I went 23yrs without sex and there were valud reasons for our lack of love life.

 

My friend's H got sucked in by a needy woman. It was a good ego slam when after he pulled back and didn't give her what she wanted she moved on to the next married guy at work and he found out that he wasn't the first. This woman had the clear signs of liking to try to take men from their wives and she used the sympathy card to get it.

[Confused48]

 

I know I'm still in orbit, which is not the best move- we still live together. He is doing what I estimate right now to be more fake R- only this time I am not buying it. As days and weeks go by I am moving farther away, the orbit is getting weaker and weaker instead of stronger- one of these days

 

 

Funny thing about your orbit analogy. Do you know what aero space people call it when you can break orbit? They call it, "Reaching escape velocity." I hope you reach escape velocity Better.

[Snowflower]

but still did not seem like he was reconnecting with me.

 

LD, I snipped your wonderful post down to these words because this is the nitty-gritty of a fake or false R.

 

WS can say all the pretty words, buy you flowers, go on dates with you, etc, etc but it is all hollow without that feeling of reconnection.

 

I didn't have a false R but the first couple of weeks when everything was so undecided and my H was out of the house, he would say he wanted to reconcile but his heart wasn't in it. I could just tell.

 

This is the biggest clue to a false R. Words are hollow and even actions don't always speak the truth of what the WS is really thinking. They can go through the motions but if you as a BS feel that something is still missing, or wrong, then you have your answer.

[Betterthanthis13]

Funny thing about your orbit analogy. Do you know what aero space people call it when you can break orbit? They call it, "Reaching escape velocity." I hope you reach escape velocity Better.

 

Awesome! I am science-challenged, especially in physics- but what I am taking from this is the word velocity- that means "speed up". So if my goal is to detach from this mess, I shouldn't be imagining the orbit getting weaker per se, I should be concentrating on my velocity speeding up as I keep noticing that this is the best I'm gonna get from this situation.

 

New goal: Reach Escape Velocity

[canuckprincess]

Read Surviving Infidelity and you will read about faked R and the numbers that do so. It's sad that anyone has to experience that.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of former ws that are committed to a true R. Now that being said a ws could be saying and doing all the right things to lead a bs to think they are committed to reconcilliation. I think anyone who continues affair after dday is in a false reconcilliation. Our false reconcilliation has been going on for close to two years.

[123Sassygirl]

I don't know for myself as this is the first time I have been in it. I know that I am done with the A world. Yeah, the sex was good (well the few times we actually had sex) and the secrets and attention titillating but it was like any addiction and you start needing more and more of a fix. And when your away from your drug your anxious and at lose ends. And then the guilt that you bury starts building. Yuck, no thank you. So my R is sincere.

 

My xMM on the otherhand does everything classic cheater does. He minimalizes and lays the blame at the other person's feet. Therefore, if his wife were to come on a site such as this she would know he is "faking" it. Oh he honestly wants to stay with her but he likes having sex with other women too. I think that the ones who are faking it know how to read their partners and do it as long as their BS is on gaurd. Or they never really stop but rather change their approach. That is why I don't think having a ton of rules as the bs will work. If you need it for your own peace of mind that is one thing. But if you think it will stop the ws, that isn't always true. After xMM's last A, his W checked his facebook, keylogged his computer, texted him constantly, and daily checked the phone bill (and those are the things I know of). And he still managed to pull of a second A only a couple of months after the previous one.

 

 

Good lord he sound like my MM! We were almost caught last month....his BS found a message that I sent him. He then fabricated a string of emails that indicated that I had come on to him, he turned me away and that my contacting him again was unwanted. She believed the string of emails (I'm not sure how....as it doesn't explain how I got on to his bbm..lol) That day that she found the message from me she left the house...he was messaging with me for 1.5 hrs that night, sending back and forth dirty texts and talking about how all he wanted to do was be intimate with me right in that moment even though he was worried about the status of his relationship. I attempted to end it after that, and have now gone NC but he wants to continue the affair. I have no doubt that he will soon find another AP. He will fake R forever.

[Moper]

Faking the R? I suppose the cake eater scenario does provide some explanation.

 

I find the A to be utterly perplexing and would give anything to know which direction I really want to go in. It seems to me as I go through this process that there is a mind over matter aspect to this with techniques designed to program the mind to love. As I said in another thread, this does bother me. I can see such a strategy working for awhile but then an inevitable reversion. People just don't change that much.

 

So is that faking?

[Clemenza]

Here's my perspective, as a fOM. Sometimes the AP thinks the R is false because the WS contacts us fairly often to tell us that they still love us and miss us....while they're supposed to be recovering their marriages. It's not always out of some false hope by the AP. In many cases, the WS acts in ways they aren't supposed to act while trying to R the marriage.

 

I've been experiencing this for the past 3 months. I just want happiness for my xMW, even if that means she recovers her marriage. I've taken many measures to distance myself, but she still gets a hold of me to tell me she misses me and thinks about me. I don't have hopes of being with her, I'm just sad that she made a choice that she may not be happy with. If she's choosing reconciliation, I wish her heart would be fully invested.

 

So, no, it's not always the AP just clinging on to a pipe dream.

[Confused48]

Faking the R? I suppose the cake eater scenario does provide some explanation.

 

I find the A to be utterly perplexing and would give anything to know which direction I really want to go in. It seems to me as I go through this process that there is a mind over matter aspect to this with techniques designed to program the mind to love. As I said in another thread, this does bother me. I can see such a strategy working for awhile but then an inevitable reversion. People just don't change that much.

 

So is that faking?

 

Moper you are wrong. People do change. Sometime just that deliberately. I've done it myself numerous times. And with pretty major personality traits. I started deliberately deciding what kind of person I wanted to be when I was a teenager and I read this from Shakespear:

 

Be careful what you pretend to be, for you may become it.

If you really want to change, pretend you have. Act as if you have. Think as if you have. You will.

[Speakingofwhich]

As an OW who just went LC with MM who plans to be honest with his wife, I realize there is a distinct possibility they will attempt R.

 

If they do, it won't be fake. And I'll be the first to encourage him to go the distance with her.

 

He'll never be happy with both of us. Neither will she, nor I. So, it's a win win win, whatever choices are made.

 

Not to say, there won't be painful emotions for all involved, whatever choices are made.

 

Hmmm, win win win. Hurt hurt hurt. So goes it with As. So, if you're reading this and contemplating an A, remember......"A word to the wise......"

[Confused48]

Awesome! I am science-challenged, especially in physics- but what I am taking from this is the word velocity- that means "speed up". So if my goal is to detach from this mess, I shouldn't be imagining the orbit getting weaker per se, I should be concentrating on my velocity speeding up as I keep noticing that this is the best I'm gonna get from this situation.

 

New goal: Reach Escape Velocity

 

In your situation I think the word escape is even more important than velocity. Best wishes to you Better!

[jnel921]

The only WS that may get away with this fake R with their BS are those not willing to commit and whose BS allow them to continue with their nonsense and turn their face to reality. The BS desperately want to keep their families together at any cost so may put up with anything. It's ridiculous.

 

I wouldn't want to deal with my H is he wasn't all in. I can tell. I know where he is, what he does and he has changed considerably.

 

If the person needs to fake for continued support or access to their kids is only fooling themselves. They will eventually get caught again and this time kicked to the curb.

[ladydesigner]

Faking the R? I suppose the cake eater scenario does provide some explanation.

 

I find the A to be utterly perplexing and would give anything to know which direction I really want to go in. It seems to me as I go through this process that there is a mind over matter aspect to this with techniques designed to program the mind to love. As I said in another thread, this does bother me. I can see such a strategy working for awhile but then an inevitable reversion. People just don't change that much.

 

So is that faking?

 

Yes that would be faking, but if the person wants to change that's a different story.

[michelangelo]

The only WS that may get away with this fake R with their BS are those not willing to commit and whose BS allow them to continue with their nonsense and turn their face to reality. The BS desperately want to keep their families together at any cost so may put up with anything. It's ridiculous.

 

I wouldn't want to deal with my H is he wasn't all in. I can tell. I know where he is, what he does and he has changed considerably.

 

If the person needs to fake for continued support or access to their kids is only fooling themselves. They will eventually get caught again and this time kicked to the curb.

 

I disagree strongly with your assertion that a BS allows a WS to fake reconciliation.

 

Having been victimized by a world-class liar, her deception was beyond what one would think.

 

I did NOT know she was still cheating. And I checked on her a lot.

 

The lengths some WS go to to keep you on the hook while they continue to cheat is both sickening and shocking.

[ladydesigner]

I disagree strongly with your assertion that a BS allows a WS to fake reconciliation.

 

Having been victimized by a world-class liar, her deception was beyond what one would think.

 

I did NOT know she was still cheating. And I checked on her a lot.

 

The lengths some WS go to to keep you on the hook while they continue to cheat is both sickening and shocking.

 

Sounds like she may have been NPD or a sociopath. Yikes

[michelangelo]

The only WS that may get away with this fake R with their BS are those not willing to commit and whose BS allow them to continue with their nonsense and turn their face to reality. The BS desperately want to keep their families together at any cost so may put up with anything. It's ridiculous.

 

I wouldn't want to deal with my H is he wasn't all in. I can tell. I know where he is, what he does and he has changed considerably.

 

If the person needs to fake for continued support or access to their kids is only fooling themselves. They will eventually get caught again and this time kicked to the curb.

 

 

 

I disagree strongly with your assertion that a BS allows a WS to fake reconciliation.

 

Having been victimized by a world-class liar, her deception was beyond what one would think.

 

I did NOT know she was still cheating. And I checked on her a lot.

 

The lengths some WS go to to keep you on the hook while they continue to cheat is both sickening and shocking.

 

 

 

Sounds like she may have been NPD or a sociopath. Yikes

Yes, I agree. At the very least a selfish coward.

Edited August 8, 2013 by michelangelo

[Snowflower]

The only WS that may get away with this fake R with their BS are those not willing to commit and whose BS allow them to continue with their nonsense and turn their face to reality. The BS desperately want to keep their families together at any cost so may put up with anything. It's ridiculous.

.

 

Jnel, I'm kind of surprised that you would say this about BS. The above sounds like what many OW spout about the BW.

 

I think very few BW will just put up with anything from the WS just to keep the status quo. And fewer do not want a WS who is not committed.

 

I have admitted here before that I cried and begged for my H to stay. I laid on the floor and pleaded with him. This is embarrassing to admit and definitely the lowest point of my life.

 

However, even as a pathetic as I was, I would have not put up with "anything" just to keep my family together as you assert. I think most BS have their breaking point.

 

If my H had continued his A with the OW, either secretly or out in the open, I would have walked away. It probably would have been more like limping, but I would have walked. Because even I could not have put up with that amount of in-your-face disrespect. I wouldn't have done it then and I know with how much stronger I have become, I wouldn't do it now.