How long does a WS 'fake' R

[ladydesigner]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

[ladydesigner]

If you ask me very few could fake a reconciliation- I feel that way because I am living it and like you understand how difficult it is-my WH is doing most of the heavy lifting just like yours is-the self reflection is killing him-its not an easy task-

 

If you ask a hopeful AP they will tell you they can fake reconciliation for life because thats what they need to believe-

 

Oh yeah I forgot about the self-reflection part. Reconciliation is extreme. Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to get a D (Sorry all jokes aside I know D is just as difficult, but geez R is like torture for the BS and the WS.

 

BUT It does have it's rewards too because we are bonding like no other again I appreciate him and he appreciates me so much more now.

[Coolit]

I don't know for myself as this is the first time I have been in it. I know that I am done with the A world. Yeah, the sex was good (well the few times we actually had sex) and the secrets and attention titillating but it was like any addiction and you start needing more and more of a fix. And when your away from your drug your anxious and at lose ends. And then the guilt that you bury starts building. Yuck, no thank you. So my R is sincere.

 

My xMM on the otherhand does everything classic cheater does. He minimalizes and lays the blame at the other person's feet. Therefore, if his wife were to come on a site such as this she would know he is "faking" it. Oh he honestly wants to stay with her but he likes having sex with other women too. I think that the ones who are faking it know how to read their partners and do it as long as their BS is on gaurd. Or they never really stop but rather change their approach. That is why I don't think having a ton of rules as the bs will work. If you need it for your own peace of mind that is one thing. But if you think it will stop the ws, that isn't always true. After xMM's last A, his W checked his facebook, keylogged his computer, texted him constantly, and daily checked the phone bill (and those are the things I know of). And he still managed to pull of a second A only a couple of months after the previous one.

[ladydesigner]

I don't know for myself as this is the first time I have been in it. I know that I am done with the A world. Yeah, the sex was good (well the few times we actually had sex) and the secrets and attention titillating but it was like any addiction and you start needing more and more of a fix. And when your away from your drug your anxious and at lose ends. And then the guilt that you bury starts building. Yuck, no thank you. So my R is sincere.

 

My xMM on the otherhand does everything classic cheater does. He minimalizes and lays the blame at the other person's feet. Therefore, if his wife were to come on a site such as this she would know he is "faking" it. Oh he honestly wants to stay with her but he likes having sex with other women too. I think that the ones who are faking it know how to read their partners and do it as long as their BS is on gaurd. Or they never really stop but rather change their approach. That is why I don't think having a ton of rules as the bs will work. If you need it for your own peace of mind that is one thing. But if you think it will stop the ws, that isn't always true. After xMM's last A, his W checked his facebook, keylogged his computer, texted him constantly, and daily checked the phone bill (and those are the things I know of). And he still managed to pull of a second A only a couple of months after the previous one.

 

Yuck It is good you are no longer near this MM. if he needed to start another A just months after the other ended, oh boy that is bad. It is good that you are being honest and truly in R with your BS

 

Yeah you are right, all the checking did not stop my WS and it only made my spy techniques more keen. It wasn't until I walked out the door and was filing that the A actually ended.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

 

The only way I can see it being faked is if the WS swears to R when D-day occurs, but either doesn't follow through, or is very half-assed when they should be working hard to fix the M.

 

I take it MOW is butting in, trying to derail the train?

 

Don't let her win; if your WH is genuinely doing everything he can to right the wrongs he's committed, and you are likewise hell-bent on reconciling, then that's the only thing that matters.

 

What is MOW doing, exactly, and how is your fWH dealing with any or all intrusions on her part? Perhaps there is some agreement you and your H can come to, in order to ensure MOW never interferes again?

[Got it]

Read Surviving Infidelity and you will read about faked R and the numbers that do so. It's sad that anyone has to experience that.

[SidLyon]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

 

This is a question close to my heart. My H and I reconciled and to the best of my knowledge there hasn't been a fake reconciliation on his part.

 

If I've got it right, your WS faked reconciliation for a while. Can I ask whether you knew at the time (I assume not)? How was the (now known) fake reconciliation different to the genuine article that you have (or hope you have) now?

 

I occasionally think about this myself. After all my fWH was so good at fooling me for so long...

[krazikat]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

I have wondered the same thing when reading "over there" it seems many of the APs think the r is fake, and there are even a few who have talked about their A going underground...well, more underground. How awful and cruel that is!

 

If I discovered my H did that to me, I would be absolutely done. I would rather be single.

[michelangelo]

My now ex-wife faked recovery for a so-called one-time mistake for 8 years of cheating and another six keeping it hidden.

 

Some people are just fine with their deceptive ways.

[ChooseTruth]

If they are cake eaters(and many many are) then they will "fake R" until you finally get fed up and start taking care of yourself...and boot them the hell out!

[ladydesigner]

The only way I can see it being faked is if the WS swears to R when D-day occurs, but either doesn't follow through, or is very half-assed when they should be working hard to fix the M.

 

I take it MOW is butting in, trying to derail the train?

 

I do think a lot has to do with her trying to win. She will always be the first to insult me every time there has been contact. It's like I'm the OW.

 

Don't let her win; if your WH is genuinely doing everything he can to right the wrongs he's committed, and you are likewise hell-bent on reconciling, then that's the only thing that matters.

 

Thanks we're trying

 

What is MOW doing, exactly, and how is your fWH dealing with any or all intrusions on her part? Perhaps there is some agreement you and your H can come to, in order to ensure MOW never interferes again?

 

We have sent her numerous NC, my WH has even phoned her after our last DDay to ask that she respect our need to fix things.

 

I have her blocked, he has her blocked. It's so frustrating.

 

 

Answers in bold

[ladydesigner]

My now ex-wife faked recovery for a so-called one-time mistake for 8 years of cheating and another six keeping it hidden.

 

Some people are just fine with their deceptive ways.

 

 

Good lord that just stinks!

[michelangelo]

My now ex-wife faked recovery for a so-called one-time mistake for 8 years of cheating and another six keeping it hidden.

 

Some people are just fine with their deceptive ways.

 

 

Good lord that just stinks!

 

It certainly does! Plus, I get the privilege of paying her $$$ in support because of how long we were married.

 

Makes me hope there is a special place in hell for her.

 

Despite that, I have moved on and have a great life currently. Dead broke at the end of every pay period, so I don't save for retirement yet.

 

But the beast is off my back!

[ladydesigner]

This is a question close to my heart. My H and I reconciled and to the best of my knowledge there hasn't been a fake reconciliation on his part.

 

If I've got it right, your WS faked reconciliation for a while. Can I ask whether you knew at the time (I assume not)? How was the (now known) fake reconciliation different to the genuine article that you have (or hope you have) now?

 

I occasionally think about this myself. After all my fWH was so good at fooling me for so long...

 

Well the first time we reconciled was after DDay. He seemed shocked that I would leave him, he let her know it was over, told her she had to work from home (he was her employer), NC you know the drill.

 

Then I found out she came by his business Same thing I threatened I laid down more boundaries and he had to let her go from job or I was walking out. He fired her but still did not seem like he was reconnecting with me.

 

3rd DDay I caught a text with him saying he missed her and that sent me spiraling down hence my attempted suicide.

 

4th DDay I caught with a VAR in his car. She came by his business and asked for money because she was homeless since her BS kicked her out. WH gave her money. I did not hear any love u's miss u's on the VAR. No inappropriate convo but they had contact. It was then that it became clear to me that he chose HER. I told him this, drove to my IC had her call him and ask that he have NC with me and I went back to inpatient to get help. I also made an appointment with a lawyer and was planning on going forward with D. From this day on I have seen a complete turnaround with his attention towards me, discussing the A, owning his responsibility in A, and going to IC. I believe I am in genuine R now. If it isn't so help me god, but I will be okay either way.

[SidLyon]

Well the first time we reconciled was after DDay. He seemed shocked that I would leave him, he let her know it was over, told her she had to work from home (he was her employer), NC you know the drill.

 

Then I found out she came by his business Same thing I threatened I laid down more boundaries and he had to let her go from job or I was walking out. He fired her but still did not seem like he was reconnecting with me.

 

3rd DDay I caught a text with him saying he missed her and that sent me spiraling down hence my attempted suicide.

 

4th DDay I caught with a VAR in his car. She came by his business and asked for money because she was homeless since her BS kicked her out. WH gave her money. I did not hear any love u's miss u's on the VAR. No inappropriate convo but they had contact. It was then that it became clear to me that he chose HER. I told him this, drove to my IC had her call him and ask that he have NC with me and I went back to inpatient to get help. I also made an appointment with a lawyer and was planning on going forward with D. From this day on I have seen a complete turnaround with his attention towards me, discussing the A, owning his responsibility in A, and going to IC. I believe I am in genuine R now. If it isn't so help me god, but I will be okay either way.

 

It sounds like the things in bold are what was different between a fake and a genuine reconciliation. On one level it seems so ephemeral and difficult to grasp, but I understand what you mean.

 

I sometimes wonder if my fWH and the OW have occasional contact. After all who he sees and speaks to while at work are beyond my ken.

 

After nearly 5 years of reconciliation I have come to the conclusion that much of this has to be taken on trust. I do trust him now, but as you said "I believe I am in genuine R now. If it isn't so help me god, but I will be okay either way"

[Ladydrib]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

 

In my case my xMM wouldn't tell me that he was working on R with his BS. He continued to tell me he was likely leaving but working through the pain from DDay. I think there was a lot of guilt. Either way he never planned to stop seeing me. I am the one who said "no more". We continued to talk but saw each other very rarely and the PA was totally over (though had I been willing it would not have been over). He also did not say he was R with WS. I asked many times but he always denied it. Little did I know he told her he was sure he wanted to R. When she caught him again he evidently told her that I wouldn't let go (no kidding, if you are in love and being lied to but you belueve the lies, why would you let go? Something tells me that is why he was lying - because he did not want me to let go.) Well once she caught him again I finally got the truth because she and I met in person and discussed all the inconsistencies in the stories.

[Furious]

Ok I am just curious as to how long WS' in this forum plan on 'faking' r until? I often read on the OW/OM board that most WS's in R are faking it

 

How can you tell if the WS is 'faking' R?

 

Is there a time limit on 'faking' R?

 

 

Seriously R has oftentimes been so miserable that I want to jump off the crazy train. Reconciliation takes 2 people and from what I can see my WH is putting in work and so am I. Plus R requires more heavy lifting from the WS to fix the M. How could that be faked?

 

Why do AP's say this about R? I recognize that my WH had a love affair with MOW why can she not recognize that we are rebuilding our M?

 

Just curious (this one really has me scratching my head)

 

 

Unfortunately, many betrayed spouses who are in shock and reeling after D-Day are so vulnerable and too quick to offer their WS in what amounts to cheap forgiveness and enter "reconciliation" far too soon.

 

More often than not a WS is in damage control and having had the best of both worlds,which includes a spouse and family and an OW/OM, they are often focused in preserving that status quo and this is where it gets messy and true remorse is far from their radar.

 

Many WS will lie to the OW/OM and their spouse in effort to keep their options open and preserve the most beneficial outcome which is having both their spouse and affair partner. It's a total mindf**k to both the affair partner and spouse. The WS is focused on their own needs and many times it's about weaving a web of control that best suits them regardless of who they manipulate or hurt.

 

Letting go, really letting go of a WS and wishing them well, is a twofold beneficial act that liberates a betrayed spouse as it frees them from a false reconciliation or invites a true reconciliation where there are true consequences and ramifications from that betrayal.

 

If I could give any newly betrayed spouse advice it would be to kick the cheating spouse to the curb and not fight for their marriage but to love and fight for themselves first and foremost.

Edited August 6, 2013 by Furious

[Ladydrib]

Unfortunately, many betrayed spouses who are in shock and reeling after D-Day are so vulnerable and too quick to offer their WS in what amounts to cheap forgiveness and enter "reconciliation" far too soon.

 

More often than not a WS is in damage control and having had the best of both worlds,which includes a spouse and family and an OW/OM, they are often focused in preserving that status quo and this is where it gets messy and true remorse is far from their radar.

 

Many WS will lie to the OW/OM and their spouse in effort to keep their options open and preserve the most beneficial outcome which is having both their spouse and affair partner. It's a total mindf**k to both the affair partner and spouse. The WS is focused on their own needs and many times it's about weaving a web of control that best suits them regardless of who they manipulate or hurt.

 

Letting go, really letting go of a WS and wishing them well, is a twofold beneficial act that liberates a betrayed spouse as it frees them from a false reconciliation or invites a true reconciliation where there are true consequences and ramifications from that betrayal.

 

If I could give any newly betrayed spouse advice it would be to kick the cheating spouse to the curb and not fight for their marriage but to love and fight for themselves first and foremost.

 

Excellent. This could not be more true.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Answers in bold

 

That would be insanely frustrating. Would I be correct in assuming MOW's spouse is unaware of the affair?

 

If he is, then might I suggest using that fact to ward her off? I don't understand why she's still trying to butt into your marriage when you and your WH are trying to R.

 

If her spouse does know...I'm at a real loss as to what you're supposed to do. Geez, she's even found a way around being blocked.

 

A restraining order might be a really good idea, if all else fails.

[Betterthanthis13]

One actor can play a role in one movie, and then switch to a whole different role for a new movie. If a WS was able to completely fool the BS during the A, why can't he or she continue to fool the BS during R in the new acting role?

 

I don't think all WS's are "faking" and I think faking is maybe too harsh of a word- maybe half hearted, or not fully committed to R would be more accurate, especially if they entered R upon being caught, not upon confessing the A and breaking it off themselves.

 

Anything is possible, including true remorse and R with a serial cheater, but I think halfhearted or fake R is just as possible, the only one who knows what is really going on is the WS. Since that person is a known liar, I am hesitant to believe anything they say to either the BS or the AP- I think the most important part of R is their own personal self analysis and commitment to change the pattern of thinking that allowed them to justify cheating in the first place. What seems to be focused on the most in R is repairing the marriage, and eliminating the cheating behavior. It's all such an emotional, exhausting clusterfuvk, who can objectively examine their WS and know if they are doing the "real" work or not? It sure looks like they are, all of the different parts of R are hard. Plus as a BS, your life is in imminent danger of crumbling if the WS isn't successful, so the rose colored glasses are ON. On the other hand, if you are too much of a jerk to the WS during R, why would they want to continue R?

 

This is why I cannot R- I have analysis paralysis. (Aka Im nutso) Also because my cheater is not qualified to R, not even close.

 

Cheating sucks.

[janedoe67]

There is definitely such a things as false recovery. Sometimes it is intentional - the WS's who pretend remorse and just go farther underground, determining to be more careful and appease the BS until the "heat is off." Sometimes it is unintentional. The WS truly feels remorse-like and wants to end the A and do the right thing, but they lack the fortitude and courage and have too much selfishness to follow through when it gets tough....so they make the choice to "get sucked back in." There are WS's who really do end the A for good, but for whatever reason recovery doesn't happen either because the WS doesn't want to do the A recovery work or after the A recovery work the marriage work isn't done. This person may never again contact the AP.....but they may become vulnerable to another AP later.

 

There are BS's who have experienced false recovery or multiple false recoveries and are naturally sceptical of ANY WS's motives. There are BS's who NEED to believe that all WS's are all bad all the time and always have been and will be.....which is a belief they hold to for any number of reasons.

 

My initial reaction as to why an OM/OW would have a jaded and cynical view of recovery is because, let's face it, if the marriage they chose to invade recovers, they've lost someone.

[Betterthanthis13]

There is definitely such a things as false recovery. Sometimes it is intentional - the WS's who pretend remorse and just go farther underground, determining to be more careful and appease the BS until the "heat is off." Sometimes it is unintentional. The WS truly feels remorse-like and wants to end the A and do the right thing, but they lack the fortitude and courage and have too much selfishness to follow through when it gets tough....so they make the choice to "get sucked back in." There are WS's who really do end the A for good, but for whatever reason recovery doesn't happen either because the WS doesn't want to do the A recovery work or after the A recovery work the marriage work isn't done. This person may never again contact the AP.....but they may become vulnerable to another AP later.

 

There are BS's who have experienced false recovery or multiple false recoveries and are naturally sceptical of ANY WS's motives. There are BS's who NEED to believe that all WS's are all bad all the time and always have been and will be.....which is a belief they hold to for any number of reasons.

 

My initial reaction as to why an OM/OW would have a jaded and cynical view of recovery is because, let's face it, if the marriage they chose to invade recovers, they've lost someone.

 

I think I fall into the category of BS who experienced fake R, but needs to believe all WS's are NOT bad- I really enjoy your posts and following them, because differentiating your perspective from that of my xbf helps keep me sane. Your story has similarities to mine (although of course many differences too, please don't take offense) and when I read about your thoughts and mindset, and compare with what I hear from xbf, it helps remind me that while change is possible, HE AIN'T IT. I think this is positive because it prevents me from feeling despair, like this is as good as it gets with a serial cheater? (it's not! Look at Jane) and keeps me on the outside of him. I know I'm still in orbit, which is not the best move- we still live together. He is doing what I estimate right now to be more fake R- only this time I am not buying it. As days and weeks go by I am moving farther away, the orbit is getting weaker and weaker instead of stronger- one of these days I am going to up and move unless there is some sort of miracle Jane-esq mindset breakthrough change.

 

Perhaps that will happen for him years down the road. I hope it does happen at some point, for his sake. He is not a monster- he currently lives in misery in his own head. I don't rule the possibility out that he will come to an awakening of sorts at some point in his life. But I only have limited time to give to this- we aren't married and have no kids together. This lease will end and I will move on. He is so frustrated right now because he just doesn't get it.

 

Anyway, again I hope you don't find this post offensive, my intent was to say thank you and I get a lot of help from reading your posts, your story, and your perspective.

[ladydesigner]

There is definitely such a things as false recovery. Sometimes it is intentional - the WS's who pretend remorse and just go farther underground, determining to be more careful and appease the BS until the "heat is off." Sometimes it is unintentional. The WS truly feels remorse-like and wants to end the A and do the right thing, but they lack the fortitude and courage and have too much selfishness to follow through when it gets tough....so they make the choice to "get sucked back in." There are WS's who really do end the A for good, but for whatever reason recovery doesn't happen either because the WS doesn't want to do the A recovery work or after the A recovery work the marriage work isn't done. This person may never again contact the AP.....but they may become vulnerable to another AP later.

 

There are BS's who have experienced false recovery or multiple false recoveries and are naturally sceptical of ANY WS's motives. There are BS's who NEED to believe that all WS's are all bad all the time and always have been and will be.....which is a belief they hold to for any number of reasons.

 

My initial reaction as to why an OM/OW would have a jaded and cynical view of recovery is because, let's face it, if the marriage they chose to invade recovers, they've lost someone.

 

Oh absolutely! After DDay1 I believe this is exactly what my WH thought. Hence DDay 2,3 and 4:eek: If there is a 5th I'm out. In hindsight I wish I would have kicked him out after the first DDay, I believe he would had arrived at his current viewpoint a lot quicker had he not dragged out the A.

 

I do not believe all WS's are bad. Many, including myself (I am a former WS) have issues from FOO (family of origin), abuse, addiction, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and the list goes on. It is the change in oneself to become a better person that is important. If the WS can recognize those faults and work on themselves and become a healthier person for their spouse, then I believe that would be the true meaning of R. It is making the M safe and a priority again.

[Spark1111]

Actually, following DDAY, My H said many a bizarre thing and I knew he was just paying lip service.

 

This is very normal behavior. They want it all to calm down quickly so they can go back to eating cake, which they love!

 

But I was in super sleuth mood and was not having any of it. Every time I discovered contact, even as friends, I tossed him out again until he "got it."

 

I also refused any talk of us. Who wants to be the default choice? Not me.

 

When he initiated NC for good, I could tell. He was reconnecting totally to me even though I remained unsure for a very long time.

 

I think it depends on how much one is willing to tolerate to reconcile.

 

I tolerated nothing, which I believe shocked the both of them. While in the affair, they convinced themselves I didn't love him, I'd ruin him in a divorce, I ruin his relationship with his kids.....NONE of which proved true at DDAY!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Actually, following DDAY, My H said many a bizarre thing and I knew he was just paying lip service.

 

This is very normal behavior. They want it all to calm down quickly so they can go back to eating cake, which they love!

 

But I was in super sleuth mood and was not having any of it. Every time I discovered contact, even as friends, I tossed him out again until he "got it."

 

I also refused any talk of us. Who wants to be the default choice? Not me.

 

When he initiated NC for good, I could tell. He was reconnecting totally to me even though I remained unsure for a very long time.

 

I think it depends on how much one is willing to tolerate to reconcile.

 

I tolerated nothing, which I believe shocked the both of them. While in the affair, they convinced themselves I didn't love him, I'd ruin him in a divorce, I ruin his relationship with his kids.....NONE of which proved true at DDAY!

 

Then he is most fortunate to have you in his life. It is commendable that you simultaneously stood your ground, while also showing mercy in other regards, such as his relationship with his children.