Four Months Later - The End Of NC and Onward

[itto ogami]

If you want to look back at my story of NC you can check the long tale under my name (that I hope helps some going through a similar situation). But in the interest of brevity, I'll just break down the important points:

 

- Ex repeatedly disrespected me, ending with her hooking up with another guy while we were together and then dumping me with a pathetic Facebook message.

 

- I unfriend her and go into immediate NO CONTACT (without knowing there is even such a theory -- it's just how I roll if screwed over)

 

- Receive basically a FB message from her a week for the past four months begging for me to talk to her, saying she misses me, fears I hate her, has dreams about me (all this while she's with this new fella btw).

 

- I am a NO CONTACT MASTER and never reply

 

- I am also a basket case of tears and sadness for a good two months.

 

- I take Loveshack and Bodybuilding advice and hit the gym.

 

- Focus on myself, the mistakes I make and the future. Be grateful I had a brief period of love and companionship which some people never get their whole life.

 

- She sends an epic FB message a couple weeks ago apologizing for the first time and even telling me she loves me and regrets not telling me when we were together (which I knew she wanted to say). She quotes from our favorite novel and tells me she loves me "unconditionally" and I will always be an inspiration to her life. This is the most heartfelt and honest thing she's written and I'm tempted to break NC to say "Thank you" or even better, pull a Han Solo and just reply, "I know." I don't respond. I have been moving on.

 

- THE POWER OF NC IS REVEALED IN THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE.

 

- A couple days ago she sends text message begging me to talk to her again. Says she's "dying." I know she has also broken up with the new fella.

 

- I decided to test the emotional waters and break NC to text that I will meet her for a drink at such and such day and time. My meeting terms. She accepts.

 

- I wonder what the Loveshack members would say. I immediately regret setting up the meeting, not wanting to validate her or give her the attention she demands.

 

- I do feel in control of my emotions, chasing other women and now I feel so much healthier and happier than the previous four months that those dark days seem like a distant dream. I realize that I will always be saying "What if?" without at least telling her the one thing I really wanted her to know: dumping me with a FB message is what hurt the most. And I feel like given her age and maturity level, she was trying hard to reach out to me. Without NO CONTACT, she likely never would have apologized or admitted her love and other feelings. This is the ultimate power of NC. (not in all cases natch)

 

- I brace myself, meet her at a local bar, buy a pitcher for her birthday and we talk and drink into the night. I am upbeat and positive, not carrying any pissy or accusatory attitude (this is the best way to meet up with an ex - take the high road). We talk about our lives before anything serious comes up. She apologizes for everything and I finally get to say to her the dialogue that's been playing almost every day for months: "Sending me a FB message to dump me was the final straw of disrespect and made it very easy to walk away from you. It's cowardly and immature." She agreed and admitted she was just selfish. And scared of me putting her in her place.

 

- I say everything I wanted to, keeping my emotions in check as the beer makes me sentimental. I don't try to touch her nor even tell her how low i was. She admits her own rough past months and how much she missed me and she thanks me for meeting her. I tell her that she earned it but that doesn't mean she's back in my life as a friend. She's gracious and tells me again how much she appreciates my role in her life no matter what.

 

- I driver her home and allow myself one long touchy hug and kiss. She doesn't invite me in and tho I wasn't looking for ex sex, I feel sadness for what once was. She tells me she loves me and yes, I finally reply, "I know."

 

- I drive home a little sad, but with none of the tears of the months before. And I feel that I didn't BLOW IT by breaking NC and I don't have regret -- and better still, I can put to bed the dialogue that's been running through my head.

 

- Today she follows me on Twitter and I check hers to see this: "Every held back emotion rears its head in a hug"

 

- I will still keep in NC for awhile as I still need to move on. But it's no longer a sword and shield - it has served me well in battle and I can lower my defenses.

 

So that's my final word on NO CONTACT. I hope all of you in pain will find hope in my tale and use NC to further your progress and see that there is a tangible emotional benefit to implementing it as soon as possible. And I'm sharing this because I've learned much from LS as well and want to return the favor.

 

You will get better. Promise.

 

Onward!

Edited August 5, 2013 by itto ogami

[Echo000]

you sure your gonna be okay though, continuing no contact? in effect, by seeing her, you forgave her completely and relieved her guilt. not saying thats bad, but now its totally over in a way. i hope you are okay and are going to be okay. really.

 

NC MASTER! haha you handled it like a boss before. but im curious as to how you would have felt if she had not been sending you a message once a week. im my opinion, its easy to ignore someone when you know/expect a message a week from them.

[itto ogami]

Yeah, that was my fear by seeing her that I would alleviate her guilt.

 

But that's me trying for some kind of revenge and honestly, the energy of NC in my situation is almost keeping it alive. I even told her with a smile that I only responded to her or she'd be bugging me forever (she laughed). I never told her that I forgave her or even that I loved her back, never let her know how much pain I was in, and I was able to say the things i wanted to without having her get defensive in any way. She was in a tough place and was honest and I'm not trying to lord over her pain. I think she got her karma uppance. And I told her that I wasn't necessarily going to be her friend again. Her guilt may be gone but she does want me in her life and she likely won't have that so let it be.

 

And I really want to take the high road, forgive and let go to move on. I don't want to carry NC like a weight forever, waiting for another message from her so I can take pleasure. I have the closure I was seeking, even tho I had it with NC. My situation is not applicable to all obviously, but so it goes...

[Echo000]

i like your approach..cuz i agree. nc can actually be a burden if your using it in the wrong way. and the worst feeling is sitting there, wasting your day away even if just for a moment, wondering if/when you will hear from the ex again. the point, of course, is to not care if you ever hear from the ex again.

 

and you seeing her doesnt change what she did, and the fact that she sent that nice email/text before saying those nice things shows some growth, humility..so good for that at least. keep going forward my man.

[itto ogami]

In some ways i was lucky to get what it seems a lot of dumpees want - their ex reaching out (even tho she's not reaching out to hook back up and I wouldn't go back anyway). And that certainly buffered some of my pain. If she had not contacted me I would have been upset a lil longer but would have moved on regardless as it's her loss....

 

 

The best part of this story is that LITERALLY the minute after I posted this, I received a flirty text back from this new woman I'm interested in and she wants to go on this Saturday.

 

So when that door closes, trust that a new window opens.

[Echo000]

i agree man, and you come across strong. real strong. good on you.

 

i think one of the keys to getting over a break up is putting yourself out there and meeting new women. doesnt mean you have to sleep with a ton of people, or anyone actually. just meeting new girls that have interest in you really helps you fully move on, i think. assuming of course, you addressed the break up internally and didnt just cover it all up/ignore it.