I hate my son's stepmom

[HighheelsAries]

Hi. I need to vent! I hate my son's (aged 9) stepmom (sm).

My ex husband and I have been divorced for 4 years. This woman has done everything to destroy any relationship I had with my ex Husband (xH).

They met 3 years ago and have been married for two. In the first few months she was in xH asked to meet me so that we could "discuss the best interests" of my son. She was all right at first and we got on ok, but I didnt like her. She is a trophy wife to my xh. She is a pretentious cow, thinks she knows everything about raising kids even though she doesn't have any - yet. At least she treats my son ok, and he likes her. Now she is pregnant and I am worried about the impact on my son. XH and cow didnt even have the decency to tell me there is a new baby on the way. I had to hear this from my son. Everything with my xH is just business since this woman arrived. There is this coldness from my xH and only issues that relate to our son are discussed. This was after cow took offence to me telling her to butt out of things concerning my son. Since then she doesn't talk to me (two years.) What must I do? I am worried about my son. This new baby shoves my son out of the way whilst x plays happy families with cow.

[Janesays]

You're not going to like what I'm about to say, but, if you want your son to grow up in a happy, stable, loving, blended family, YOU are going to have to reach out and try to build a positive relationship with this stepmom. The only behavior that you can control in this scenario is your own. So suck it up and start killing them with kindness.

[Krytie TV]

Yeah. Acknowledge that you were poised to hate anyone in that role and just get that out of the way. Then you can move on and apply that energy to enjoying your life instead of hating your ex's. The very likely "other side of your story" is that you have treated her like a bitch because she is who she is (i.e., the new hotness in your ex's life). I'm not stating that as fact, just realizing that may well be the case.

[UpwardForward]

Hi. I need to vent! I hate my son's (aged 9) stepmom (sm).

My ex husband and I have been divorced for 4 years. This woman has done everything to destroy any relationship I had with my ex Husband (xH).

They met 3 years ago and have been married for two. In the first few months she was in xH asked to meet me so that we could "discuss the best interests" of my son. She was all right at first and we got on ok, but I didnt like her. She is a trophy wife to my xh. She is a pretentious cow, thinks she knows everything about raising kids even though she doesn't have any - yet. At least she treats my son ok, and he likes her. Now she is pregnant and I am worried about the impact on my son. XH and cow didnt even have the decency to tell me there is a new baby on the way. I had to hear this from my son. Everything with my xH is just business since this woman arrived. There is this coldness from my xH and only issues that relate to our son are discussed. This was after cow took offence to me telling her to butt out of things concerning my son. Since then she doesn't talk to me (two years.) What must I do? I am worried about my son. This new baby shoves my son out of the way whilst x plays happy families with cow.

 

It can be extremely difficult for a mother to share her young child with a so-called 'step parent'.

 

When you gave birth, you and your husband were the ones entrusted to nurture and care for him.

 

I regret she wants to horn-in on discussions of raising your son. As your nine yr old grows older, he will be able to choose - or continue.

 

It's hard to know what affect the new baby will have on her relationship with your son.

 

I would ignore your xhusband's coldness and indifference. It can come with the territory, particularly if his wife is acting insecure. Do your own thing when your son is in your care. And keeping an ear out for anything out of the ordinary your son may share with you.

 

I had actually found when my H was in his adulterous R/M, he was of no help to me with the raising of our children. He appeared on another planet - away from parenthood.

 

Perhaps they think raising your son, brings them more togetherness, and while trying to act 'responsible'.

[whichwayisup]

You, her and your exH have to sit down together and have an honest conversation and set some rules, respectfully. You and her HAVE to come to some sort of understanding and basic respect for one another for your son's sake.

 

Your xH doesn't have to be your friend, he doesn't have to get personal with you, or share stuff he feels isn't your business. He IS still talking to you about your son and that's a good thing.. though he doesn't have to have an attitude or be rude.

 

Anyway, encourage your son to just be nice and to always be a great big brother to his half bro/sis when he/she is born. It's good he likes his step mom, so hopefully she'll make efforts to include him and make him feel involved.

[amaysngrace]

Who says you and your exH are suppose to be friends?

 

I feel sorry for your son. You call his step mom a cow and get angry because his father won't chat it up with you other than speaking about your son. That's normal. You two aren't friends.

 

Maybe you just feel threatened that they will be more suitable to raise your son or something and if that's what this is about, I totally get that. But in all fairness to your son, coming undone over things you have no control over like how your ex treats you is not in your child's best interest.

 

Try to keep it together.

[CC12]

What must I do?

 

Let go of your bitterness and hatred, for one. Holy moly. It seems as though you never liked her, even when she was "all right at first." You didn't describe some egregious offense she committed, so I have to assume you don't have a great reason to dislike her. But that's fine, I guess. You don't have to like her. You just have to be civil with her and work with her for the best interests of your son. I don't think you can do that when you're filled with hate.

 

So I'd like to suggest that you stop thinking of her in these terms: "trophy wife," "pretentious cow," "cow, cow, cow." And instead think of her simply as another human being who is probably trying her best fitting in with her new husband's family. She did, after all, try to meet with you to discuss your son. And she does treat your son well, and he does like her. Those are two big points in her favor. This is a good thing.

 

This should also hopefully give you a little bit of faith that your son will not be pushed out of the way when the new baby comes. She seems decent enough not to let this happen. You didn't say much about his father, but if he's been a good dad so far, there's no reason to believe that he's going to suddenly stop caring about his first son. I'm sure there will be an adjustment period for everyone, but if your son has good, loving, positive support from you, that will make it easier for him to deal. So try to work on that, maybe.

[UpwardForward]

I can't see any reason for a woman to have input w the raising of a child who isn't hers and who already has a mother.

[iris219]

At least she treats my son ok, and he likes her.

 

You should consider yourself very fortunate that she treats your son well. That should be your only concern now. You have to put your personal feelings about her aside.

 

It sounds like your ex is trying to build a stable environment for his son with the woman he loves. This is in the best interest of your son. He has moved on; it sounds like you need to as well.

 

I can't see any reason for a woman to have input w the raising of a child who isn't hers and who already has a mother.

 

It is impossible to have no input on raising a child when the child will be visiting her home. What's she supposed to do? Ignore the child?

 

I would hope she has an interest in helping her husband raise his son.

[UpwardForward]

You should consider yourself very fortunate that she treats your son well. That should be your only concern now. You have to put your personal feelings about her aside.

 

It sounds like your ex is trying to build a stable environment for his son with the woman he loves. This is in the best interest of your son. He has moved on; it sounds like you need to as well.

 

 

 

It is impossible to have no input on raising a child when the child will be visiting her home. What's she supposed to do? Ignore the child?

 

I would hope she has an interest in helping her husband raise his son.

 

There's no such thing as 'stable' where there's been a separation of parents. The mother just does her best to keep things smooth on her end.

 

Don't make it 'impossible'. New wife to just act like and be the baby sitter she is.

 

You know, I'm not that much of a fan of Dr. Laura. But this is exactly why she advises divorced people to not marry until the children are 18. This 'new mother - blending' is B.S.

[iris219]

There's no such thing as 'stable' where there's been a separation of parents. The mother just does her best to keep things smooth on her end.

 

Don't make it 'impossible'. New wife to just act like and be the baby sitter she is.

 

You know, I'm not that much of a fan of Dr. Laura. But this is exactly why she advises divorced people to not marry until the children are 18. This 'new mother - blending' is B.S.

 

 

The new wife is not an unpaid babysitter. She is a potentially important, influential person in the child's life; she is another loving adult in the child's life.

 

She's not the mother and she shouldn't behave as such as, but she should treat her stepchildren in a nurturing, loving manner. To consider herself nothing but a babysitter would be unfair to children who may become attached to her as a they would a family member. Blended families can be difficult, but they can also be very rewarding. I'm not sure why you have such a negative view of blended families.

[Janesays]

Don't make it 'impossible'. New wife to just act like and be the baby sitter she is.

 

Oh, really? And if Daddy dies leaving all his money to her, I hope she does what an 'unpaid babysitter' should do and just pockets it all without caring a single bit what happens to his son from a previous marriage or whether or not said son goes to college. It's in her legal rights to do so...and since she's nothing more than an 'unpaid babysitter,' her moral rights to do so as well.

[KathyM]

It's important for your child that you act respectfully towards your husband and his new wife. He will be spending a lot of time there, and they will have an influence on him. If you undermine the respect your son has for them, it will be your son who loses in this scenario. While your son is with them, she will have an influence on him and will have authority over him. That's just a part of joint custody which you are going to need to come to terms with. If she is overstepping her boundaries on making major decisions about your son that don't concern her, then just tell her this is between his father and you to decide. No need for all this animosity. Your son will be the one to suffer if you make this a hateful relationship between you and them.

 

As far as your ex being friendly to you, as long as he is civil and communicates adequately about your son, that is all you can expect. He does not want to be your friend, your confidant, or in any other role than the father you share a son with, so his communication will be about your son. That's something you are going to have to accept, and don't really have a choice over.

[mercuryshadow]

I've been through this...more times than I care to share, due to the fact that my child's father is a serial-cohabiter. My experience is slightly different due to the fact that none of these women ever made it to "wife", but maybe I can help you sort out your feelings.

 

The disdain: I get it. It is an awful feeling to have to "share" your motherhood. Well, the reality is, your child only has one mom, and that's YOU. The step-mom is, at best, a guardian and role model. If she's a good one, leave it at that and be content with it. If she cares about your child, that is what is most important.

 

What is "best for your child" needs to be a discussion that takes place between you and your xH, not you and his new wife. It is certainly within your right to express that.

 

I have given up on disliking my ex's partners (truth be told, I'm not crazy about the one he's with now) BUT because there's no harm coming to my child, and seems well cared for in their presence, I am friendly toward her . If something were amiss, I would be within my rights to address it. And I have, on permitting occasions.

 

You could view this pregnancy in a good light. It may free up some time for you and your son to spend together. A new baby is a lot of work. It's true, the spotlight will probably come off of your child, but it's up to you to step up and let him know that he is YOUR main priority.

[UpwardForward]

Oh, really? And if Daddy dies leaving all his money to her, I hope she does what an 'unpaid babysitter' should do and just pockets it all without caring a single bit what happens to his son from a previous marriage or whether or not said son goes to college. It's in her legal rights to do so...and since she's nothing more than an 'unpaid babysitter,' her moral rights to do so as well.

 

I have never known of a step mother who didn't 'pocket it all' and w/o concern for the biological children. During the M, it's all an act.

[UpwardForward]

I've been through this...more times than I care to share, due to the fact that my child's father is a serial-cohabiter. My experience is slightly different due to the fact that none of these women ever made it to "wife", but maybe I can help you sort out your feelings.

 

The disdain: I get it. It is an awful feeling to have to "share" your motherhood. Well, the reality is, your child only has one mom, and that's YOU. The step-mom is, at best, a guardian and role model. If she's a good one, leave it at that and be content with it. If she cares about your child, that is what is most important.

What is "best for your child" needs to be a discussion that takes place between you and your xH, not you and his new wife. It is certainly within your right to express that.

 

I have given up on disliking my ex's partners (truth be told, I'm not crazy about the one he's with now) BUT because there's no harm coming to my child, and seems well cared for in their presence, I am friendly toward her . If something were amiss, I would be within my rights to address it. And I have, on permitting occasions.

 

You could view this pregnancy in a good light. It may free up some time for you and your son to spend together. A new baby is a lot of work. It's true, the spotlight will probably come off of your child, but it's up to you to step up and let him know that he is YOUR main priority.

 

Yes. The above bolded.

[Janesays]

I have never known of a step mother who didn't 'pocket it all' and w/o concern for the biological children. During the M, it's all an act.

 

Well, don't blame the world because you hang out with trash.

 

I set up trust funds for both of my step children. With my own money. College was paid for and neither one of their biological parents had saved a dime of it themselves.

[mercuryshadow]

Well, don't blame the world because you hang out with trash.

 

I set up trust funds for both of my step children. With my own money. College was paid for and neither one of their biological parents had saved a dime of it themselves.

 

 

That is fantastic. I truly hope that truly caring step-parents such as yourself are not so few and far between as others on this thread would seem to think. I could see my FI doing something like this for my child, as he whole-heartedly cares for him.

 

Also wanted to add this: I wouldn't advise speaking ill of the step-mom in front of your child. It will get back to her and your xh and cause drama. If ever I've expressed anything negative about my ex in front of my child, he'd innocently spill the beans to my ex at some point. It's just something kids do. I am very careful to watch what I say now.

[UpwardForward]

Oh, really? And if Daddy dies leaving all his money to her, I hope she does what an 'unpaid babysitter' should do and just pockets it all without caring a single bit what happens to his son from a previous marriage or whether or not said son goes to college. It's in her legal rights to do so...and since she's nothing more than an 'unpaid babysitter,' her moral rights to do so as well.

 

This says it all about your true motivations/thoughts, Jane.

[Janesays]

This says it all about your true motivations/thoughts, Jane.

 

Your implication says all I need to know about you as well.

 

But either way, I'm sure that the only important thing is this fact: The kids will go to college. Those trust funds are in THEIR best interest.

 

And shame on any 'biological mom' who would deprive their own children of things like this because their precious little ego can't stand the thought of junior having a relationship with more than one woman.

[So happy together]

I don't get this at all. You are DIVORCED. That means that you could not get along well enough to stay married. Why would you expect to be friends now? And why would he speak with you about anything other than your son? He has a new wife and if you act this way, she'll see to it that you have even less contact with the ex.

 

Your ex has a new life, with a new wife and baby on the way. It's nothing to do with you. Your son will be part of his life, and the sm's forever. Get used to it. Be grateful they care about your son and stop being selfish.

[pureinheart]

I have never known of a step mother who didn't 'pocket it all' and w/o concern for the biological children. During the M, it's all an act.

 

I can't speak for all, but can speak concerning my sitch. My father married a "trophy wife" also. He had money.

 

I'm left to assume my step-mothers "kindness" towards me was an act based on her behavior towards me right after my father was hospitalized after a massive stroke- when she realized that was it, she started on me. My father was hours from death and she proceeded to spew her hate. I sat for 6 of the longest hours of my life listening to her shyt. I was in shock with everything.

 

A few months prior they had both agreed to a will of which she contested after he died, trying to get me out of it- she couldn't so had to settle... bet that hurt...FTR she had three grown kids of her own.

 

I can remember as a ten year old kid, her talking mess about my dad and me agreeing with her and trying to console her...that was sick IMO. She did that throughout the years. I thought she just needed to vent. Now I see it for what it is- sick. Her kids were abusive to me. I should have told someone.

 

Amazing that every time I went to visit, they stayed in the bedroom fighting the entire weekend.

 

My mom saw her for what she was.

 

Both of my kids were thrown under the bus in the worst kind of way- both fathers deserted them physically and financially after finding new mates and kids. Disgusting. My daughters step-mother forbid her dad to see her or pay child support. I had to call the cops many times due to them coming over to start shyt with me. FTR I never started anything with either of them, or my own step-mother.

 

Plain and simple, in all cases, it was jealousy.

[pureinheart]

I don't get this at all. You are DIVORCED. That means that you could not get along well enough to stay married. Why would you expect to be friends now? And why would he speak with you about anything other than your son? He has a new wife and if you act this way, she'll see to it that you have even less contact with the ex.

 

Your ex has a new life, with a new wife and baby on the way. It's nothing to do with you. Your son will be part of his life, and the sm's forever. Get used to it. Be grateful they care about your son and stop being selfish.

 

OP speaks of a coldness. Why does it have to be "cold". I agree with the talk being only about the kids and issues pertaining to the kids, but why the "cold"?

 

OP has some very real concerns. I wish I had been more present during the crap that went on with my kids.

 

It cracks me up. My daughters father is sweet as pie when he's not in a relationship- once he's in one the tone changes drastically. When I'm in one, I don't treat him any different- why? Because my new man or whatever needs to understand that this is my daughters father and I will be nice to him, I have no designs on him whatsoever, so save the jealousy.

[mercuryshadow]

When my child's father is in a new relationship, his attention diverts greatly. He will skip out early on functions pertaining to our child, or will ditch him to go out with his new "friend" a lot of the time, dropping him off for his mother to babysit. Considering he's been in about 10 R's since our child was born and I left, it's become an established pattern.

 

I had to bring my son to the ER a few months ago and his father (plus gf) decided to "drop in." They stayed for about 15 minutes, and then decided things were okay and left. I was with my son for another 4 hours there, until the wee hours of morning.

 

I absolutely hate the way these girls take priority in his life and our child falls to the back burner. However, unfortunately, there is not much I can do, as there are no laws against it. I wish there were.

 

I apologize for the threadjack. I guess my point is that I really don't care to associate with my ex on a "friendly" level, but I am kind to him because he is my son's father. We've managed to get along enough to do things together with our son such as birthday parties and school recitals and things, but other than that, I'm not interested in a friendship with him. As for the girls he brings around, I feel sorry for them. They are naïve and probably don't even know about a fraction of his history.

Edited August 7, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[whichwayisup]

I don't get this at all. You are DIVORCED. That means that you could not get along well enough to stay married. Why would you expect to be friends now? And why would he speak with you about anything other than your son? He has a new wife and if you act this way, she'll see to it that you have even less contact with the ex.

 

Your ex has a new life, with a new wife and baby on the way. It's nothing to do with you. Your son will be part of his life, and the sm's forever. Get used to it. Be grateful they care about your son and stop being selfish.

 

Not all divorced couples hate each other and end up not being friends. Many I KNOW put the kids first and are friends for the kids sake, enough that they can be in the same room, celebrate bday's and some holidays or other celebrations (lets say the kid is jewish and one day has bar/bahmitvizah) or graduates, both sets of parents (blood and step) can get along well enough to be together.

 

Your post is really harsh, lighten up a bit k.