exilesoul Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 So for almost a year now i've been working with a girl i've developed strong feelings for, i'll call her J. we started work together as part of an apprentice scheme, i found it quite difficult to fit in seeing as the other apprentices we're 7 girls who seemed to bond very well. But hey i can live with that, i was a lonely kid and i don't really feel the need to "fit in". but J always tried to connect with me, i'm not one to complain about life and just generally suck it up and deal with it but with her i can just be myself instead of being guarded and withdrawn, well im not completely open with her only like %20. im not overwhelming her by any stretch of the imagination, i hold back allot. we get pretty close sometimes and think she only loves me as a friend but thats for you to decide. The issue is i endured some severe childhood trauma and left me with serious anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder and self harm problems. It's all in the past however, i've never had the chance to talk about it but i've just learnt to move on. The problem is its very hard to hide, im plastered in big thick scars. i literally look like a butcher with Parkinson's. J doesn't know any of this however but i'm sure she has her suspicions as she often points out a scar and says "how'd you get that?" I never lie about it, i just reply with "i can't tell you sorry" and she drops it or says "you'll tell me one day" she does confide in me somewhat but nowhere near as much as she could. So thus begins the cycle, the reason why i know i love her is that every time i get over her i fall for her again. i keep my distance, dont talk to her and avoid her at work. sooner or later we start getting close again and i think we can just be good friends. but i can't, its just too hard for me to pretend i dont love her. this goes on for months. the main issue is her boyfriend, he's just a big dumb ape of a boy. typical protein shaking, rugby playing, boy racing wanker. it's obvious he isn't capable of understanding her like i can. and here's the proof; More recently J and myself have taken up scuba diving as a hobby, we're both in love with the sport. Honestly i'd still do it without her as it's so tranquil and peaceful underwater and it's nice getting to spend one to one time with J. What always interested me was why she LOVES diving so much and it took me a while to figure out. i've never met anyone who looked like they belonged in the water so much. she glides effortlessly when she swims and i figured growing up she spent a hell of allot of time in the pool to be able to swim so well. one day i confronted her on it and said "im sure you were meant to be a mermaid" To which she replied "if only.." that was all that was said on the matter but it gave me everything i needed to hear. fast forward 4 months later to her birthday, i struggled with this as i bought a gift on complete instinct. it was a beautifully illustrated book (i knew she loved to read) of the original little mermaid story not the Disney version. inside i wrote "To j i hope your time spent under the ocean is as enchanting as your childhood dreams.. love R" I acted like i didn't know it was her birthday all day and waited until she was leaving to give it to her. i only did this as i didn't want to feel awkward if it seemed like a weird gift or she didn't like it. i was ****ting myself as i knew it was either a great or silly idea. i was only expecting a "thanks that's very nice" but i got home to a text from her which read: "thats the most thoughtful gift anyone's ever given me.." honestly i was just glad she liked it and i didn't have to feel stupid. this was only a few days ago but now i'm stumped. how can i know how she feels without jeopardizing our friendship? how do i get her to engage me more? she does everything she possibly can to help me out with problems and always seems happy to talk but i have to ignore her for a week before she talks to me first. i'm tempted to just tell her we shouldn't talk anymore because i let her get too close and i shouldn't have. i don't think she knows how i really feel because i always try and be distant with her but i just don't know what to do anymore.. any thoughts?
New User Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 any thoughts? Well written, pretty good character development and eye-catching title. It needs an ending though. Sigh. In the event this is not a put on, she has a boyfriend and doesn't appear to have given any indication of interest in anything beyond friendship. 1
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