lasonadora Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I'm tired. I posted another thread somewhere on here not too long ago. I was starting to see someone and I wasn't sure what was going on between us. We had been out on a few dates, had sex after the 5th one, were starting to see each other more and more, were texting a lot... a lot of people told me to just wait it out, some told me, "once sex comes into the picture, it's fair game." I waited a bit longer. We've been sort of dating on and off for a month now. I've had a troubled past. I've been hurt badly. I was with someone for many years and while that was okay, I abandoned it in pursuit of a year-long relationship with a guy who I had to fight tooth and nail to get any sort of commitment out of, who seemed to have no respect for me, and I felt like I had no respect for myself. But being in that relationship really tore me down and made me feel like I should be ashamed to feel any emotions for another person. It made me very cold towards others. So when I met this guy... 6 months after that relationship was over and I was actually feeling over the ex... I was ecstatic. He was my ex's complete opposite. Like incredibly sweet, caring, and polite. I felt good around him, like I could be myself and I didn't feel like, "oh god I'm such a loser." I had an okcupid profile when we met. It had some note in it about how I wasn't very serious about dating at the moment. And I wasn't. I wasn't out in hot pursuit of a serious relationship... he had a profile, he saw that, but we never really discussed that, we just kept seeing each other. I disabled my profile but didn't say anything to him about it... it wasn't because of him. I just didn't feel like having it anymore--I was getting a lot of messages and didn't really want to go out with any of them. I was starting to share with him stuff about my past. He knew I'd been hurt. He knew I was very selective about who I'd date. He seemed to show interest in me regardless. There was emotional intimacy developing between us. So when he came over to my place last night--we were going to drink and play some games--we started to kiss and I stopped everything and asked him, "What are we doing here? Do you see me as more than a friend?" and he said, "Yeah" and I said, "Okay, because I want you to be more than a friend." and he asked, "What do you want me to be?" and I said, "I don't know... I guess I want you to be my boyfriend." He got really surprised by this, and brought up the okcupid profile, and I explained to him that I had no idea when we started going out that I was going to develop these feelings for him. He said he understood that and that he really likes me but he's leaving the country for residency (grad school) not too long from now and he'd be gone for a long time and that this was all catching him off-guard because he wasn't expecting us to have this conversation. So he asked for some time to think about it and I said sure. The next morning, he texts me and asks, "Are we cool?" and I tell him I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I ask him how he's feeling and he says, "I really like you and I like being with you" and I say, "same." and he asks, "Can we just leave it at that for the time being?" It was difficult, but I said, "I don't feel like I can. I've always done that. It always bites me in the ass. If I had know there was any ambiguity about expectations, I'd have clarified so much sooner. I considered not saying anything but I didn't want to be this total robot and pretend I'm someone I'm not." He said, "No, you did the right thing"... and that was it. I feel really terrible now though. I know it's just 2 times but it feels like every time I am open with anyone about my emotions, I get hurt. People say time heals these things but the more it happens, the worst it gets rubbed into my heart and I worry I'm going to never open up to someone again. It took so much of me to share my feelings with him. And now I feel embarrassed for them. Even though there's a pretty obvious reason why he would be hesitant with me (leaving for school), I'm not sure I understand why things came to be as they were. If I can't let my guard down with even the sweetest, nicest guy... who can I let it down with?
BluEyeL Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Here is where you went wrong. Putting in your profile that you are not looking to seriously date attracts men who don't want anything long term. This nice guy didnt want anything long term since he knew he'd leave. He liked you, but men don't like women to be too emotional too soon. You have to keep your feelings bottled up until you are firmly in a long term relationship, therefore not after one month. When you are dating someone, you cannot open up to them and substitute them for your therapist. Men want to have fun and have a good time. I recommend you go for therapy and take a break from dating if you are not serious about dating. Because you do want an emotional connection nevertheless, no matter what you say. When you are on firm land with your emotional well being and self esteem, date again and DO NOT open up to such a level, you can of course share your thoughts and feelings but not excessively. Repeat that dating is not therapy. Don't say that you are not serious about dating. don't say that you are serious either. Just go with the flow and have your standards, but don't communicate them right away.
Author lasonadora Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I don't look at it as a substitute for therapy. It's not like I gushed all of this out unprovoked. He asked about it. He doesn't know in full detail to what extent I've been hurt before--I just apologized one time because he was asking me to share my feelings with him and I went full on robot and he was like, "You've been hurt before... by a boyfriend?" and I was like, "yeah a bit" and he asked for details and so I flat out told him, "He treated me like I wasn't allowed to have feelings for him," he apologized and said that was horrible and that he felt I'd been pretty open with him, and the conversation ended at that.
white Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 You met him through OLD. It says right there on your profile you weren't looking for commitment. You wrote that. This guy gets involved with you on the premise that you aren't, because he's off away out the country in a short while. Then you change your mind on the whole commitment thing that you wrote and he responded to. It's not his fault. You mis-sold your product, you falsely advertised. He's done nothing wrong. And unlike Bluewhatsname above I don't blame you for opening up and "ruining his good time" because thats wack. He likes you just fine as is. He just thought he was planning for a short relationship when he got involved with you, and now you've changed your mind, and he can't rearrange his life based on your whims. He IS going away. Don't guilt him for that, it's not what he signed up for. 1
BluEyeL Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I wasn't blaming her for opening up to him, just responding to her, she seemed to complain that she cannot open up to men she's dating and that's her main concern/heartbreak. Turns out she didn't open up that much either, her first post made it sound like she did go on and on and on about feelings and past hurt, and you just don't do that when dating someone new. I agree that she said she is not serious about dating, the guy believed it and then she changed the rules. 1
white Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I accept you didn't blame her then. But my antenna gets tweaked whenever a woman says "men like, men don't like", just as yours does when men say "women like". I have no problem if a girl wants to tell me about the heavy **** in her life. Rather know it now than later when I'd built up the idea she just bakes cupcakes and brushes puppies all day. I like people to have their flaws and damage, means I can relate to them, and if it's about some dickhead bloke or blokes, I can set about demonstrating exactly how I'm not like them and nor are other men, all the sooner. 1
BluEyeL Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I accept you didn't blame her then. But my antenna gets tweaked whenever a woman says "men like, men don't like", just as yours does when men say "women like". I have no problem if a girl wants to tell me about the heavy **** in her life. Rather know it now than later when I'd built up the idea she just bakes cupcakes and brushes puppies all day. I like people to have their flaws and damage, means I can relate to them, and if it's about some dickhead bloke or blokes, I can set about demonstrating exactly how I'm not like them and nor are other men, all the sooner. Fair enough. I shouldn't say "men do that", I agree. 1
Author lasonadora Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You met him through OLD. It says right there on your profile you weren't looking for commitment. You wrote that. This guy gets involved with you on the premise that you aren't, because he's off away out the country in a short while. Then you change your mind on the whole commitment thing that you wrote and he responded to. It's not his fault. You mis-sold your product, you falsely advertised. He's done nothing wrong. And unlike Bluewhatsname above I don't blame you for opening up and "ruining his good time" because thats wack. He likes you just fine as is. He just thought he was planning for a short relationship when he got involved with you, and now you've changed your mind, and he can't rearrange his life based on your whims. He IS going away. Don't guilt him for that, it's not what he signed up for. That's the thing though--that's NOT how I met him. We just both had profiles on the site. On that same token, he missold himself because his profile says he's only looking for "friends" and I point blank asked him last night before I dived into that "do you see me as just a friend" and he said "no." I'm not blaming him, but I'm not blaming myself either. You can't plan how you're going to feel about someone.
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