Is 20+ year age gap just too big?

[Kaylee93]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm new here and I just need some objective advice, since most people that I talk to about this are my friends and family and they immediately become subjective about the situation.

 

Anyway, I'm dating a guy that is 22 years older than me. I guess it would help to say my age. I'm 20 and he's 42 turning 43. We've been in a relationship for 10 months now. He's been pretty awesome and supportive s so far. However, our friends and family have not been supportive, which makes me question my relationship. There are times when I feel like him and I are on completely planets. He thinks about his retirement and savings, and I'm just trying to figure what I want in my life.

 

The biggest thing right now, is that he mentioned that he wants to get engaged and married, and have children with me before he's 45. That means I'll be a 21/22 year old mother, and that's not ideal for me at all. I want kids when I'm in my mid twenties. I told him this, and he was upset and said that I needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments. Maybe he's right, and I'm just having cold feet due to the negativity of our friends and family in regards to our relationship. But, I'm really feeling apprehensive about this.

 

Any advice?

[Philosoraptor]

All that matters is what you think. You seem fine with being in a relationship with him, but not so keen on having kids right now. That is perfectly acceptable and you need to stick to your guns. He can either stay with you and wait, or move on.

 

Do not feel pressured into getting married or having children unless you are ready to do so. His pressuring and belittling you are not positives and shouldn't be given into.

[MrCastle]

You are at two different stages in your life. I would find someone a little closer to your age.

[New User]

My gut says that yes- that's too big of an age gap. But only you can make that determination. I second PR's comment about not making that commitment unless you are ready. I also consider his telling you that you "needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments" to be at least a medium sized red flag. It make me question the entire tone of the relationship to be honest.

[Sarabi]

Hmmmm...

Its entirely up to you. How you feel. No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you, only you know how you feel...

I have a friend who is with a guy who I around 20yrs older. They seem fine...

I am hardly a life/relationship expert but I don't think having a child or making a commitment will necessarily make anyone automatically mature or grown up (even though they think it does)

Anyway, its up to you. They do say relationships are about compromise eh? Maybe if you were staying together for the forseeable future this(when to have a child?) is something you could discuss and work on?

[MrRightNow]

Yeah, the age gap is too large. I'd want to kill that guy if I were your father or brother.

[Kaylee93]

My gut says that yes- that's too big of an age gap. But only you can make that determination. I second PR's comment about not making that commitment unless you are ready. I also consider his telling you that you "needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments" to be at least a medium sized red flag. It make me question the entire tone of the relationship to be honest.

 

Yeah, it was a major red flag to me. And I would have gotten over it if he apologize, but he was serious. The last thing I want to do is have a kid when Im not ready. But, at this point I just have to stand my ground as mentioned before about not having kids right now.

[Kaylee93]

Yeah, the age gap is too large. I'd want to kill that guy if I were your father or brother.

 

LOL yeah, my dad hates him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's looking for a baby maker, a lot of guys do this with younger women as the deteriorating process is a lot slower obviously because you are a lot younger than he is, therefore while he's shetting himself in diapers you'll be changing em out for him physical and able.

 

If you want to be a stay at home mom serving the needs/desires of an older man, I feel pretty sorry for you...but since your dad or brother or what not doesn't come out and kick him off a bridge, looks like you'll be a victim of your own youth an inexperience.

 

I think it's ridiculous how someone can think an age that big isn't a big deal, but you're young so it makes sense, you won't know any better staying with this guy and I'd doubt this guy would let you go easily.

 

But then again Muslims around the world marry off their 10 or 11 year old daughters, after all....age is just a number

[New User]

Yeah, it was a major red flag to me. And I would have gotten over it if he apologize, but he was serious. The last thing I want to do is have a kid when Im not ready. But, at this point I just have to stand my ground as mentioned before about not having kids right now.

 

 

I think that you have your answer .

 

I don't want to sound like I'm talking down to you, but at 23 very few people have even really figured out who they really are. He's at a point in his life where he is probably thinking about retirement and you may not even have started your career. Also, I have noticed an odd dynamic in many relationships where the disapproval of peers pushes the couple closer together more than they might have been if their friends and families approved. Maybe a little of that is going on.

 

He might be a perfectly wonderful guy who happened to fall for someone young enough to be his daughter of course, but in that large of an age difference you are at completely different points in life and I can't help but think that the power and control dynamics in the relationship are a little out of whack. I'm just under 45 and can't really imagine a serious relationship with someone your age.

[darkmoon]

you will be 50 he will be 70, creaky

[Lansing]

I am curious, how did you meet him? What made you attracted to him?

 

I think that he said you should "grow up" and want to have kids/commit/settle down is stupid. He is 42 and hasn't done those things so why should YOU have to do them. I would never talk to a girl like that. That would be a huge red flag for me.

 

On the other hand, I tend to meet a lot of younger women and my friends are always making fun of me for that. One friend in particular is very judgemental of younger people and I feel it is kind of "ageist".. People are people....

 

At the same time, just don't let him manipulate you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.

[soccerrprp]

My gut says that yes- that's too big of an age gap. But only you can make that determination. I second PR's comment about not making that commitment unless you are ready. I also consider his telling you that you "needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments" to be at least a medium sized red flag. It make me question the entire tone of the relationship to be honest.

 

Good observation. 20-years is way too much of a gap for me. Even anything approaching 10-years is subject to some deeper introspection on my part before considering. And I have and currently dating someone 8-years my junior....we'll see.

[FitChick]

Nothing wrong with dating him temporarily but don't get married and pop out kids until late twenties at the earliest. You need to get out and enjoy life because you won't be able to later. In a divorce the wife is usually stuck with the kids.

[Treasa]

It's his attitude more than the age gap that you should be concerned with.

 

Don't be with ANY man who tells you to grow up and take commitment seriously when you're 20. Tell him to go take out his midlife crisis on someone else.

[Janesays]

The age gap is waaaayyy to big. But the time you're finished changing your children's diapers, you're going to be busy changing his. You're going to spend the prime of your life caring for a sickly old man.

[HumptyDumpty]

Yeah, the age gap is too large. I'd want to kill that guy if I were your father or brother.

 

Pfouahaha, that just made my day, the smiley couldn't have been better placed!

 

Well, thing to keep in mind is...you def are at different stages in life! As you said, your goals are different! He wants to start fast a family and right he is, he's not getting younger! And you are getting older, but in a sense where you start to grow up! I mean, at 20 I thought I was mature and maybe I am seen the average of people my age! But at 22, I feel like I've evolved a lot more, and I hope it'll continue this way!

So... what's bothering me here is that he wants quick-quick a decision, thing that is next to impossible in the early twenties! There is the career to think about... starting a family needs a lot of thinking since it'll bind you down in a lot of future decisions! It's something both partners should be ok on and it should be planned, both need to be on the same level and want the same goals!

 

So... the age gap isn't bothering me here! It is possible and by all means, don't bother with it when it's the one in a million so to speak! But be aware of this pressure! he's getting older and wants by all means start a family right this minute if possible! But guys, I'm sorry, can start a family at any age whereas women do have a ticking inner clock! So do not take this in account!

 

And I guess, family members are concerned of his intention! It's still not very natural, and want to protect you from running straight into danger zone!

I've been in an age-gap relationship, so, I have no problem with this! The only problem I see is that he is not respecting you here! It's an eat-or-die situation: be mature and start a family or I'm gone! And that's quite alarming, may he be 23 or 63, it's not good!

I'd sit down with him, explaining your point of view, goals you want to reach in the years to come! But if he's just looking for a breeding machine, I'm sorry, but he'll have to continue his path!

It might be a bit harsh but think about your relationship, not the age gap! The age gap is more of a challenge in a rs, however, this isn't the main focus! The main focus is the respect, etc! So, analize your rs not as in 20 years older but in a way, you'd do with any 23 year olds!

[kaylan]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm new here and I just need some objective advice, since most people that I talk to about this are my friends and family and they immediately become subjective about the situation.

 

Anyway, I'm dating a guy that is 22 years older than me. I guess it would help to say my age. I'm 20 and he's 42 turning 43. We've been in a relationship for 10 months now. He's been pretty awesome and supportive s so far. However, our friends and family have not been supportive, which makes me question my relationship. There are times when I feel like him and I are on completely planets. He thinks about his retirement and savings, and I'm just trying to figure what I want in my life.

 

The biggest thing right now, is that he mentioned that he wants to get engaged and married, and have children with me before he's 45. That means I'll be a 21/22 year old mother, and that's not ideal for me at all. I want kids when I'm in my mid twenties. I told him this, and he was upset and said that I needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments. Maybe he's right, and I'm just having cold feet due to the negativity of our friends and family in regards to our relationship. But, I'm really feeling apprehensive about this.

 

Any advice?

Have fun for now OP, but dont settle down with this guy. Do you really want to be raising kids and putting them through college only to have to potentially take care of an aging man while you are still young?

 

And mid 20s is quite early to have kids in my opinion as well. If you are gonna have them that age, make sure you have a good job and education to raise those kids on, because with the age gap you may not be able to rely on him being the sole breadwinner for long.

 

Personally I dont see this going anywhere in the long run. Im 26 and I see folks in 22 and younger as kids. You will do A LOT of growing in your 20s, and you may not be the same person or want the same things in the future. Be smart about this. Im VERY different at 26 than I was at 20.

[kaylan]

My gut says that yes- that's too big of an age gap. But only you can make that determination. I second PR's comment about not making that commitment unless you are ready. I also consider his telling you that you "needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments" to be at least a medium sized red flag. It make me question the entire tone of the relationship to be honest.

This.

 

Comments putting you down for your age shows how he really thinks of you. Like me, he likely sees you as a kid, and he wants things to go the way he thinks they should because the older person should run the show in his mind.

 

Thats just my assessment. Its rare that people much older than us take us seriously. Its why whenever I have hit on women in their 40s they kinda giggle and just lightly brush me off despite being flattered. I always get some remark about being just a kid.

[CptSaveAho]

go young or go home.... train them while they are young

[violetsareviolet]

as long as you are happy and comfortable with everything, age shouldn't matter.

 

with that said, I too think that this age difference is really too much...5 years, easy. 10 years, sure. 15, why not? maybe be a little cautious but that's all...20+ just seems a bit much. a two generation gap will come with a lot of middle age man baggage that you won't want to carry around.

 

edit: my gut says he is too immature to deal with women closer to his own age and is just preying on your innocence.

[aussietigerwolf]

I also consider his telling you that you "needed to grow up and stop acting like a child and make commitments" to be at least a medium sized red flag. It make me question the entire tone of the relationship to be honest.

 

to me it is but... my problem actually is with that comment... I agree it's a red flag and if said to me then I'd wonder how he really saw our relationship.

[New User]

to me it is but... my problem actually is with that comment... I agree it's a red flag and if said to me then I'd wonder how he really saw our relationship.

 

 

Parent/child comes to my mind. Which is unhealthy for a whole host of reasons.

[Kaylee93]

I think that you have your answer .

 

I don't want to sound like I'm talking down to you, but at 23 very few people have even really figured out who they really are. He's at a point in his life where he is probably thinking about retirement and you may not even have started your career. Also, I have noticed an odd dynamic in many relationships where the disapproval of peers pushes the couple closer together more than they might have been if their friends and families approved. Maybe a little of that is going on.

 

He might be a perfectly wonderful guy who happened to fall for someone young enough to be his daughter of course, but in that large of an age difference you are at completely different points in life and I can't help but think that the power and control dynamics in the relationship are a little out of whack. I'm just under 45 and can't really imagine a serious relationship with someone your age.

 

No, you're right. How we collaborate and decide on things as a couple is kind of one sided: his side or he has the final say. For the most part I agree with him. He makes good points, but it would be nice if he could understand where I'm coming from rather than put it to the side and say that its immature or some other excuse.

[Kaylee93]

THIS!!^^^^^^^^

 

You should realize that he is most likely experiencing a midlife crisis. Was he married? IS he married? Does he have other children? If not.......what kind of "kid" is he to not have done these things yet? at the age of 43? But you are supposed to grow up and become a "mom" and a "wife" at 22??

 

NO THANKS!!

 

Honey you are young, don't jump into marriage and motherhood just yet...go have fun being young and beautiful.

Some insecure men (and I imagine he is insecure about the age gap) want to saddle you with kids, hope you stay fat and insecure so that you won't leave them. Maybe he's one of these types?

 

you don't want to be married to an "old fart" that never wants to go anywhere or do anything (except watch TV in his recliner)...you will be very lonely. I forgot to ask, is he fit and trim? because as soon as you marry the guy and start cooking dinner every night....he'll have a balding head, turkey neck, and a spare tire before you know it. and you'll be kicking yourself because you could be out there having young, buff, stud muffins asking you out.

 

I never thought of it like that. How I'm suppose to settle now when he didn't at my age. It's a touch hypocritical, which makes me even more apprehensive. He was married before, but no kids out of his last marriage.

 

I have thought of the whole if I do marry him where am I going to be when he's like 50 and wants to relax, and I'm still in my 20s and I'm pretty sure the last thing I want to do is just stay home all day. I do have feelings for this man, but I dont think I want to sacrifice that much of my life for him...at least thats how I feel now.