Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[alkush]

You are trying to burn two fires at the same time.

 

One has burned bright for years because you paid attention to it.

 

Now you have this other fire burning - and you're trying to burn that one brighter. So you're stoking that second fire - and ignoring the first fire.

 

The second one burns brighter because you're ignoring the first fire you built. You're paying more attention to the second fire and letting the first one dissipate.

 

Good analogy.

[rumbleseat]

Thank you I appreciate this. I think that if I do go back to the wife that maybe it can be better. I had to have this thrown in my face for a while. That being the possibility of not being with her anymore. And what that reality would be. It is funny how things over the passing months have gone from perceived clarity to hazziness to another very different perceived clarity. I've been lucky to have had this time to do that. It has been the most incredibly humbling experience as I have been forced to knock myself off a pedestal 1000 feet high. To realize that good qualities I think I possess can and have been used in negative ways. To gain a greater respect and appreciation for the subtle unassuming qualities my wife has. So I have brought me way down and lifted the wife up. Sort of to the point of a more balanced position. Armed with that new truth I can probably do better and focus on the good in my marriage, try to work on the things I wish could be better. Even if I can't, it is probably the only path worth going down or spending time on.

But I do love Michelle! Life is crazy!

 

I'm sorry, but just based upon what you have written, you don't love Michelle. You may be infatuated with her, but love, no.

 

You love how she makes you feel, you love how she rekindles things in you that you thought were long gone, but you love for her is no different than the love a junkie feels for his dealer. The feelings for her exist solely in the here and now. Take them out of this exact set of parameters,and they will evaporate very quickly.

 

the feelings you feel shouldn't have to come form someone else. they should come from inside you, and be there whether the person in question is in your life or not. Only when they do can you ever truly ove someone.

 

Love should enhance your life, not create one where none exists.

[knitwit]

Alkush, you're getting lots of great advice here.

 

I just want to throw in one more post about your kids.

 

Do your kids know that you've been unhappy? If you have a had a marriage where you've always touted your wife and kids, it sounds like they believe you are happy.

 

Just with divorce, and no knowledge of the affair, if this comes at them out of the blue, you cannot count on having their support. Your relationships will them will quite likely be adversely affected.

 

If you leave and they find out about the affair, all bets are off. They might see you as abandoning their mom after a happy marriage for another woman.

 

Just some history with my in-laws: my FIL and MIL had a notoriously unhappy and contentious marriage. As teenagers we all knew about it, their fights were almost legendary.

 

Somewhere near the end of it, my FIL started an affair. Soon after the youngest, my SIL, graduated HS, he left my MIL and moved on with his OW- this was nearly 20 years ago. My FIL and his OW are still together and have been happily married for approx 15 years or so.

 

Neither my husband nor my SIL have any issues with their parents getting divorced; both agree that they were going to get divorced at some point, and probably should have done it long before it actually happened.

 

However, the affair part is a different story. Both lost a lot of respect for their dad; my SIL didn't speak to her dad for many years. Even now, almost two decades later, there are lingering effects.

 

And, this is from two kids, now adults, who really don't blame the OW, and who have no doubt that divorce was for the best. They don't blame their Dad for leaving their Mom. For them, it is a respect issue. They do not view their dad as an honest man. They do not view their dad as having integrity. They love him, but I don't believe they look up to him.

 

So think carefully. If you picture in your mind that eventually the kids will come around, it will be all OK, you will be close with them, think again.

It is likely Head-In-The-Cloud thinking. It doesn't happen very often, and because you've demonstrated in words and act that you had a Happy Marriage, it is very unlikely to happen for you. They might forever wonder who this person is, who could be happy, be there and be an integral part of the family, only to one day through it all away.

Edited August 16, 2013 by knitwit

[alkush]

Alkush, you're getting lots of great advice here.

 

I just want to throw in one more post about your kids.

 

Do your kids know that you've been unhappy? If you have a had a marriage where you've always touted your wife and kids, it sounds like they believe you are happy.

 

Just with divorce, and no knowledge of the affair, if this comes at them out of the blue, you cannot count on having their support. Your relationships will them will quite likely be adversely affected.

 

If you leave and they find out about the affair, all bets are off. They might see you as abandoning their mom after a happy marriage for another woman.

 

Just some history with my in-laws: my FIL and MIL had a notoriously unhappy and contentious marriage. As teenagers we all knew about it, their fights were almost legendary.

 

Somewhere near the end of it, my FIL started an affair. Soon after the youngest, my SIL, graduated HS, he left my MIL and moved on with his OW- this was nearly 20 years ago. My FIL and his OW are still together and have been happily married for approx 15 years or so.

 

Neither my husband nor my SIL have any issues with their parents getting divorced; both agree that they were going to get divorced at some point, and probably should have done it long before it actually happened.

 

However, the affair part is a different story. Both lost a lot of respect for their dad; my SIL didn't speak to her dad for many years. Even now, almost two decades later, there are lingering effects.

 

And, this is from two kids, now adults, who really don't blame the OW, and who have no doubt that divorce was for the best. They don't blame their Dad for leaving their Mom. For them, it is a respect issue. They do not view their dad as an honest man. They do not view their dad as having integrity. They love him, but I don't believe they look up to him.

 

So think carefully. If you picture in your mind that eventually the kids will come around, it will be all OK, you will be close with them, think again.

It is likely Head-In-The-Cloud thinking. It doesn't happen very often, and because you've demonstrated in words and act that you had a Happy Marriage, it is very unlikely to happen for you. They might forever wonder who this person is, who could be happy, be there and be an integral part of the family, only to one day through it all away.

 

Thanks much. It took time for you to write this and I appreciate it. It is all good info. I am on thin ice in this regard and will heed what your saying. I couldn't live with my kids having resentment against me. So I guess if I do this there has to be a 6 month separation between when I physically move out from mom and when the OW shows up.

thanks again

[2sunny]

Thanks much. It took time for you to write this and I appreciate it. It is all good info. I am on thin ice in this regard and will heed what your saying. I couldn't live with my kids having resentment against me. So I guess if I do this there has to be a 6 month separation between when I physically move out from mom and when the OW shows up.

thanks again

 

Does that mean you decided to divorce?

 

And if so, why MORE lies and cover ups? Why not get honest?

 

That poster just showed you that there are lingering affects to your lack of honesty - yet you simply post you intend to be even more dishonest...

 

Your integrity has slipped - and is quickly rolling downhill faster now.

Edited August 17, 2013 by 2sunny

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks much. It took time for you to write this and I appreciate it. It is all good info. I am on thin ice in this regard and will heed what your saying. I couldn't live with my kids having resentment against me. So I guess if I do this there has to be a 6 month separation between when I physically move out from mom and when the OW shows up.

thanks again

 

Alkush,

 

You missed the point here. Your kids, STBXW, relatives, friends, business associates, etc. are not stupid enough to believe a 6 month separation. Everyone will know.

 

Everyone will judge. Some you won't care about and some you will. But do not kid yourself you will not keep this secret.

 

I agree with the overwhelming volume of posters who have told you this will likely turn out badly for you. You can do the research yourself, it's easy to find, but the odds of a relationship created from an affair lasting is between 1-3% chance. So the likelihood is that in a couple years, Michelle will be with the next guy, your STBXW will have created a happy life, with or without someone, close to the children and grandchildren and you my friend will be in your declining years alone.

 

But you will have had a hot couple of years!

 

I think the thing that bugs me about what you are doing is not so much that you are showing textbook signs of midlife, post heart attack crisis. Or that your FOGGY affair thinking has you massively justifying your behavior and painting a completely unrealistically happy picture of the mistress, disabled child, situation. But that you out of one side of your mouth speak about what a great husband (father, provider etc) you were for 22 years, but that you have been unhappy for 7 years, (but you also said you have a 16 year old daughter.) and that the path you are on is to continue to lie and betray your wife and family, while you confirm if your mistress is worth leaving for?

 

If you are so miserable, then just leave. The mistress is irrelevant, right? Whether or not you have a soft place to land is irrelivant. I mean you claim that in one of your posts. That you aren't leaving because of Michelle?

 

If you are, and have been ssooooooo unhappy for 7 years, having the affair with Michelle work out should not matter. You know you are miserable, the choice is clear. Why continue to test the new relationship, until you are sure?

 

You claim you are not choosing between them, so if that is really true then you should leave, the sooner the better, because what you want is not the only thing that matters here. You are stealing time from your STBXW where she could be building a life for herself. Because trust me, you have been no prize to live with, with all your self pity and self involvement and she might not be your intellectual equal, but one does not need to be a Menza member to notice when their husband who was home "every night" for 22 years is no longer at home at night and what that likely means. Same with your kids, don't be surprised that they know or suspect you have a chicky on the side.

 

And since everyone will know you have been having the affair anyway, why hide it? I absolutely believe you should tell your wife the truth. Since she will find out anyway, at least have the respect for your family to own up to what you have done. It may be the only shot you have of retaining relationships with your children.

 

It will either work with Michelle (likely not if statistics show) but you will be free of the miserable un satisfying life you have suffered the last 7 years and can go get a nice one bedroom condo on the lake and live out your remaining years as happy as you can make yourself.

 

I agree with the poster that says, divorce your wife, give her the proper generous settlement, then leave her alone. Do not string her along and pretend to care and provide, it is just cruel.

 

This is a pretty typical story, with a pretty predictable ending, but nobody ever believes it, everyone thinks they are special.

[Steen719]

Alkush,

 

You missed the point here. Your kids, STBXW, relatives, friends, business associates, etc. are not stupid enough to believe a 6 month separation. Everyone will know.

 

Everyone will judge. Some you won't care about and some you will. But do not kid yourself you will not keep this secret.

 

I agree with the overwhelming volume of posters who have told you this will likely turn out badly for you. You can do the research yourself, it's easy to find, but the odds of a relationship created from an affair lasting is between 1-3% chance. So the likelihood is that in a couple years, Michelle will be with the next guy, your STBXW will have created a happy life, with or without someone, close to the children and grandchildren and you my friend will be in your declining years alone.

But you will have had a hot couple of years!

 

I think the thing that bugs me about what you are doing is not so much that you are showing textbook signs of midlife, post heart attack crisis. Or that your FOGGY affair thinking has you massively justifying your behavior and painting a completely unrealistically happy picture of the mistress, disabled child, situation. But that you out of one side of your mouth speak about what a great husband (father, provider etc) you were for 22 years, but that you have been unhappy for 7 years, (but you also said you have a 16 year old daughter.) and that the path you are on is to continue to lie and betray your wife and family, while you confirm if your mistress is worth leaving for?

 

If you are so miserable, then just leave. The mistress is irrelevant, right? Whether or not you have a soft place to land is irrelivant. I mean you claim that in one of your posts. That you aren't leaving because of Michelle?

 

If you are, and have been ssooooooo unhappy for 7 years, having the affair with Michelle work out should not matter. You know you are miserable, the choice is clear. Why continue to test the new relationship, until you are sure?

 

You claim you are not choosing between them, so if that is really true then you should leave, the sooner the better, because what you want is not the only thing that matters here. You are stealing time from your STBXW where she could be building a life for herself. Because trust me, you have been no prize to live with, with all your self pity and self involvement and she might not be your intellectual equal, but one does not need to be a Menza member to notice when their husband who was home "every night" for 22 years is no longer at home at night and what that likely means. Same with your kids, don't be surprised that they know or suspect you have a chicky on the side.

 

And since everyone will know you have been having the affair anyway, why hide it? I absolutely believe you should tell your wife the truth. Since she will find out anyway, at least have the respect for your family to own up to what you have done. It may be the only shot you have of retaining relationships with your children.

 

It will either work with Michelle (likely not if statistics show) but you will be free of the miserable un satisfying life you have suffered the last 7 years and can go get a nice one bedroom condo on the lake and live out your remaining years as happy as you can make yourself.

 

I agree with the poster that says, divorce your wife, give her the proper generous settlement, then leave her alone. Do not string her along and pretend to care and provide, it is just cruel.

 

This is a pretty typical story, with a pretty predictable ending, but nobody ever believes it, everyone thinks they are special.

 

I want to like this (the entire post) more than once. It is spot on. The bolded part is what I was trying to tell him on page 2 (or there-abouts), but my guess is that he won't believe it until it happens to him. I am living it; tried to tell him so. My son is mostly estranged from his dad, I have forgiven for the most part, but moved on and made myself happy and would never take the chance on XH again and truthfully don't have the feelings to anymore. My XH is miserable; this man who was full of pride asking me to come back over and over. It is so sad. Our family will never be the same and my son, while he loves his dad, will never have the same respect for him again. The poster won't get this until he is there, but I think your post, It-is, is a really good effort to help him understand and he should read it with an open mind.

[alkush]

I'm sorry, but just based upon what you have written, you don't love Michelle. You may be infatuated with her, but love, no.

 

You love how she makes you feel, you love how she rekindles things in you that you thought were long gone, but you love for her is no different than the love a junkie feels for his dealer. The feelings for her exist solely in the here and now. Take them out of this exact set of parameters,and they will evaporate very quickly.

 

the feelings you feel shouldn't have to come form someone else. they should come from inside you, and be there whether the person in question is in your life or not. Only when they do can you ever truly ove someone.

 

Love should enhance your life, not create one where none exists.

 

I do not understand what you mean by the last half of your posting. Would you mind elaborating?

[alkush]

Does that mean you decided to divorce?

 

And if so, why MORE lies and cover ups? Why not get honest?

 

That poster just showed you that there are lingering affects to your lack of honesty - yet you simply post you intend to be even more dishonest...

 

Your integrity has slipped - and is quickly rolling downhill faster now.

 

I understand what your saying but getting honest will crush my family and the kids just like he is saying. If I divorce, if, then a better approach all around would be to end things with Michelle. Tell her that I must get divorced and have time away, like 6 months. Time that will only do me good and make our potential future relationship better and more stable in the long run. Then if she is still there then we begin our relationship all over again. Then I can be honest, well as honest as possible with the kids that I started seeing Michelle after Mom and I were divorced 6 months. If Michelle is not available after the 6 months, then I guess that's the way it goes. Best I can think of.

[alkush]

Alkush,

 

You missed the point here. Your kids, STBXW, relatives, friends, business associates, etc. are not stupid enough to believe a 6 month separation. Everyone will know.

 

Everyone will judge. Some you won't care about and some you will. But do not kid yourself you will not keep this secret.

 

I agree with the overwhelming volume of posters who have told you this will likely turn out badly for you. You can do the research yourself, it's easy to find, but the odds of a relationship created from an affair lasting is between 1-3% chance. So the likelihood is that in a couple years, Michelle will be with the next guy, your STBXW will have created a happy life, with or without someone, close to the children and grandchildren and you my friend will be in your declining years alone.

 

But you will have had a hot couple of years!

 

I think the thing that bugs me about what you are doing is not so much that you are showing textbook signs of midlife, post heart attack crisis. Or that your FOGGY affair thinking has you massively justifying your behavior and painting a completely unrealistically happy picture of the mistress, disabled child, situation. But that you out of one side of your mouth speak about what a great husband (father, provider etc) you were for 22 years, but that you have been unhappy for 7 years, (but you also said you have a 16 year old daughter.) and that the path you are on is to continue to lie and betray your wife and family, while you confirm if your mistress is worth leaving for?

 

If you are so miserable, then just leave. The mistress is irrelevant, right? Whether or not you have a soft place to land is irrelivant. I mean you claim that in one of your posts. That you aren't leaving because of Michelle?

 

If you are, and have been ssooooooo unhappy for 7 years, having the affair with Michelle work out should not matter. You know you are miserable, the choice is clear. Why continue to test the new relationship, until you are sure?

 

You claim you are not choosing between them, so if that is really true then you should leave, the sooner the better, because what you want is not the only thing that matters here. You are stealing time from your STBXW where she could be building a life for herself. Because trust me, you have been no prize to live with, with all your self pity and self involvement and she might not be your intellectual equal, but one does not need to be a Menza member to notice when their husband who was home "every night" for 22 years is no longer at home at night and what that likely means. Same with your kids, don't be surprised that they know or suspect you have a chicky on the side.

 

And since everyone will know you have been having the affair anyway, why hide it? I absolutely believe you should tell your wife the truth. Since she will find out anyway, at least have the respect for your family to own up to what you have done. It may be the only shot you have of retaining relationships with your children.

 

It will either work with Michelle (likely not if statistics show) but you will be free of the miserable un satisfying life you have suffered the last 7 years and can go get a nice one bedroom condo on the lake and live out your remaining years as happy as you can make yourself.

 

I agree with the poster that says, divorce your wife, give her the proper generous settlement, then leave her alone. Do not string her along and pretend to care and provide, it is just cruel.

 

This is a pretty typical story, with a pretty predictable ending, but nobody ever believes it, everyone thinks they are special.

 

You folks have no idea how much you have helped. I DO listen. I am hearing it loud and clear. Ok your probably completely right. I admit it. This has been a divergence, a dream. (As a side note I said I was unhappy for like 15 or more years. But no matter.) I cannot trust myself or even Michelle for that matter because she wants it to bad too, enough to compromise by seeing a married man. So were both messed up at the right time and place. crazy, crazy. But your right. If I am that unhappy it doesn't matter the other side. But here is the thing. This is it. I'm AFRAID. My current life is sanitary, antiseptic, easy,. It is too easy, it is boring. I do not love. I just want to love and feel alive again. There is no arguing, fighting, or disagreements. I need to love, to feel love. To be excited. So I am living in like a room with no noise with white walls, ceiling and floor. It doesn't end, EVER! But there is no pain. I am afraid that if I leave I will have pain and worse give pain to those around me all for nothing. If my situation at home was painful I may say "What have I got to loose". But I feel I have a lot to loose. So I want to check it out before I get there. But there truly does not appear to be any way to check it out. I have to just trust myself and the truth that you folks are telling me that my gut tells me is true.

 

So lets say I don't do it and I patch things up with my wife. I have not heard much from you folks about how I find what I need? What do I do? Where do I go? Ok it's not found in my wife, or Michelle. Where is it? Ive been looking my whole life!

[alkush]

I want to like this (the entire post) more than once. It is spot on. The bolded part is what I was trying to tell him on page 2 (or there-abouts), but my guess is that he won't believe it until it happens to him. I am living it; tried to tell him so. My son is mostly estranged from his dad, I have forgiven for the most part, but moved on and made myself happy and would never take the chance on XH again and truthfully don't have the feelings to anymore. My XH is miserable; this man who was full of pride asking me to come back over and over. It is so sad. Our family will never be the same and my son, while he loves his dad, will never have the same respect for him again. The poster won't get this until he is there, but I think your post, It-is, is a really good effort to help him understand and he should read it with an open mind.

 

No, no,no, I read it 3x. Its probably true, ok, I get it. So then what do I do? Instead of an affair, what should I productively be working on that will help me find happiness. If I am only thinking my problem is my wife then what is it. I know it's me, but what? How do I start on a journey to some sort of self realization or whatever the heck you want to call it. I am a successful person by the standards of our culture anyway. Very good career and many personal accomplishments. I am proud of that stuff. But I need to fill this hole in me. You guys tell me don't dos it. OK I GET IT. But then your leaving me back to the 17 years of unhappiness. I don't want to go there with no hope. At least the false hope with Michelle gets me to tomorrow. Before I was almost ground to a halt.

[2sunny]

Look within. Deep within. Sons time alone finding out to be happy on your own.

[LivingWaterPlease]

No, no,no, I read it 3x. Its probably true, ok, I get it. So then what do I do? Instead of an affair, what should I productively be working on that will help me find happiness. If I am only thinking my problem is my wife then what is it. I know it's me, but what? How do I start on a journey to some sort of self realization or whatever the heck you want to call it. I am a successful person by the standards of our culture anyway. Very good career and many personal accomplishments. I am proud of that stuff. But I need to fill this hole in me. You guys tell me don't dos it. OK I GET IT. But then your leaving me back to the 17 years of unhappiness. I don't want to go there with no hope. At least the false hope with Michelle gets me to tomorrow. Before I was almost ground to a halt.

 

Alkush, go get the NIV or The Message version of the Bible. Open it to the book of John, fourth book in the New Testament. Not sure how much you know about the Bible but it's separated into the Old Testament and the New Testament, the division is clearly marked. Both OT and NT are great.

 

The book of John has twenty-one chapters. Start at the beginning and read a few verses, or more if you like, a day, asking God to lead you in what to believe before you read the verses.

 

Tell God what you have written here. That you want to have the hole in you filled and that you want to find hope.

 

He created you and He knows exactly what you need and how to give it to you! All you have to do is ask and He will not let you down!

[alkush]

Are you guys telling me that if I truly am not happy then regardless of if getting divorced WILL make me happy or lead me on a path to happiness that I should do it anyway for my wife's best interest? Am I so stupid that I just got that? A brief moment not thinking of myself? To me she is very happy though, and even if I give her 100% of our assets she will still have hardship. I truly believe I can continue to make her happy. I truly do.

 

So I guess I just blame my marriage for my unhappiness. There isn't anything wrong worth divorcing over. So again if I place the blame on me, where it belongs, then where do I go from here? And I still say I do not love her, maybe never did. I truly believe I love Michelle.Why does the proverbial path that seems like it may lead to REAL happiness seem so narrow and crooked? Im too tired. This has all been so draining. I may just back up into my abys. weak, pathetic being that I am. Making fun of myself now. I know, I know, it's not funny. Why couldn't it just happen to be true that Michelle and I are truly in love and we are very lucky, and it will be ok? Could be, no?

[alkush]

Alkush, go get the NIV or The Message version of the Bible. Open it to the book of John, fourth book in the New Testament. Not sure how much you know about the Bible but it's separated into the Old Testament and the New Testament, the division is clearly marked. Both OT and NT are great.

 

The book of John has twenty-one chapters. Start at the beginning and read a few verses, or more if you like, a day, asking God to lead you in what to believe before you read the verses.

 

Tell God what you have written here. That you want to have the hole in you filled and that you want to find hope.

 

He created you and He knows exactly what you need and how to give it to you! All you have to do is ask and He will not let you down!

 

I will do this. I used to have very good faith when I was younger. It is in many ways my faith that creates the terrible guilt I feel for what I am doing.

[2sunny]

Work on yourself with a counselor.

 

Otherwise you are only offering your broken, unhappy self to ANY woman.

 

Your wife is happy - because SHE is happy with HERSELF.

 

You are unhappy - because YOU are unhappy with YOURSELF.

 

Spend time on your own to determine what your happy self looks like without NEEDING the influence of someone else to make you feel one way or the other.

[Steen719]

No, no,no, I read it 3x. Its probably true, ok, I get it. So then what do I do? Instead of an affair, what should I productively be working on that will help me find happiness. If I am only thinking my problem is my wife then what is it. I know it's me, but what? How do I start on a journey to some sort of self realization or whatever the heck you want to call it. I am a successful person by the standards of our culture anyway. Very good career and many personal accomplishments. I am proud of that stuff. But I need to fill this hole in me. You guys tell me don't dos it. OK I GET IT. But then your leaving me back to the 17 years of unhappiness. I don't want to go there with no hope. At least the false hope with Michelle gets me to tomorrow. Before I was almost ground to a halt.

 

This is one of the things that will be difficult for you to understand, but you are not unique in saying that you have not been happy for ___years....you fill in the blanks. That is evidently what happens when people are justifying leaving their spouse. I don't know what it is, but it seems to be so in many cases, only to have the cheater come back saying that "was just not true", "I was crazy", "I must have been in a mid-life crisis" and so on and so forth. This is what I am trying to tell you. Not to say that all people in this situation feel that way, but it is not unusual. You are in the throes of your affair with Michelle and so you can justify anything.

 

Well, you will or you won't and whatever you do is what you will live with because you will have to. The fallout will continue for a long time, but that will for you to deal with. Most women in your wife's position will ultimately get over their cheating spouse and it might be easier than you might think. I wish there was a way to show people the future when they make choices like this, like there was in "The Family Man". You may not value what you have now, but the value goes up when you no longer have it. If it is regretful to you later that you don't have your wife, just imagine not having your children's adoration and respect anymore. This has undone more than one person.

 

Good luck. You have your choices to make.

[alkush]

You know what I just realized. It is not Michelle that is the problem. It is the affair that makes it immensely complicated for me. Not Michelle, she did it right(other than being involved with a married guy). She is divorced. What does she have to loose trying with me? Nothing! I have everything to loose because it is an affair. If I did it right, and got a divorce then eventually was involved with Michelle it would be natural. There would be nothing to loose with Michelle.

I'm trying to manage all of this. It is crazy. It's a mess! And it lowers my self esteem. And i'm the one with kids old enough to be aware at 16 and 20. And I'm the one who leaves at night mysteriously, sort of. Its a house of cards! Michelle, no problem. Me, I've done it all wrong. I'm such an idioit. I wonder what Michelle would do if she was me. She is crazy protective and takes care of that little boy of hers. I bet if he was my kids age she wouldn't take any risk with me until she did things right. I was never a risk taker, gambler. What the heck am I doing! To think everyone will come out of this unscathed is nuts.

[rumbleseat]

I do not understand what you mean by the last half of your posting. Would you mind elaborating?

 

 

Love enhances your life. It does not create a life where none exists. It can not create something from nothing.

 

Too many people think that it can. They have "holes" in the that they haven't been able to fill. They think the person they "love" can do that, but they simply can't.

 

This is why I say you don't love Michelle. She is a band aid.

 

Sort yourself out so that you are a whole person, who doesn't need someone to catch you when you fall. Only when you can be 100% all on your own can you be that for someone else.

 

Desperation is not love.

Edited August 18, 2013 by rumbleseat

[alkush]

This is one of the things that will be difficult for you to understand, but you are not unique in saying that you have not been happy for ___years....you fill in the blanks. That is evidently what happens when people are justifying leaving their spouse. I don't know what it is, but it seems to be so in many cases, only to have the cheater come back saying that "was just not true", "I was crazy", "I must have been in a mid-life crisis" and so on and so forth. This is what I am trying to tell you. Not to say that all people in this situation feel that way, but it is not unusual. You are in the throes of your affair with Michelle and so you can justify anything.

 

Well, you will or you won't and whatever you do is what you will live with because you will have to. The fallout will continue for a long time, but that will for you to deal with. Most women in your wife's position will ultimately get over their cheating spouse and it might be easier than you might think. I wish there was a way to show people the future when they make choices like this, like there was in "The Family Man". You may not value what you have now, but the value goes up when you no longer have it. If it is regretful to you later that you don't have your wife, just imagine not having your children's adoration and respect anymore. This has undone more than one person.

 

Good luck. You have your choices to make.

 

Thanks much. I really appreciate it. You know I actually don't justify ANYTHING, but I do seem willing to do anything. It's crazy.

 

I just called my son. He goes to Iowa State in Ames. I told him I love you son. He said as he always does, I love you too. He is 20 and we can do this because we always did. I never did it with my dad. I don't care if I never feel love or happiness again if it means my son, MY SON, would be reluctant or not want to say those words to me. It would undo me. There is a bible verse that says, What does it profit a man to gain the world but to loose his only son. Why am I even slightly risking that? Yes that goes for my daughter too. Actually my son takes after my wife, daughter after me.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Alkush:

 

So I will tell you a secret. You and I are about the same age. Guess what else? I have cancer. So I know what a mind fux that "is this all there is" or whatever version if that is playing in your head. I know it.

 

Do you know they have therapists who SPECIALIZE IN IT? Yep, common..common...textbook. If your therapist was worth the paper her certificate was written on she would have recommended someone with that speciality.

 

So back to the happiness. I will tell you another secret. You suck as a husband. No really you do. You are selfish and thoughtless and you think the fact that you make the money means you don't have to try. I don't say this just to provoke you...I say it because I want you to see that you get out of your relationship with your wife exactly what you put in. Exactly the same.

 

That my friend is the LAW OF ATTRACTION.

 

You likely suck as a father, at least recently, where you have been mentally, if not physically absent.

 

Lets talk some truth about Michelle too. I am sure she's a perfectly nice woman who has the same inability to self soothe and self satisfy that you do. You are doing her no favors either but since she is willingly participating in your deception I do think she has to bear the consequence of her own actions.

 

You feel "attraction" to her, you allowed yourself to be obsessed and give in rather than avoid like married folks are supposed to. This "in love" feeling is chemical and goes away. Fact, look it up. What you will be left with is Michelle's version of life (her kid, her x husband, her house, her flaws) same boredom, same but different unhappiness. But poorer, cause you have to support your STBXW. So that's why people say they regret it. They wake up and realized for all the drama and unicorns and rainbows, 6 months later its exactly the same as what they left. Exactly, only they are worse off.

 

Why? Cause the marriage isn't really the issue. It's just plain you.

 

How do you make yourself happy? You go find an interest, volunteer, make friends (not FWB), join a club, adopt a dog. You find a way to build personal happiness.

 

Let me tell you one more secret...hope you get this. I don't know you, but since you have been following the script so far, I will go for broke....

 

You are re-writing your marital history to justify having an affair. Your own words (I paraphrase) say you had a very good sex life, before you stopped having sex with your wife cause you are getting those needs met by Michelle; your home life is content; you don't fight or argue. Your big complaint was your wife's mental capacity in comparison to yours...you could not "talk" you feel she is not your intellectual equal. Ok don't take this the wrong way but....don't you have friends? (Not Michelle) don't you think you have some responsibility to get yourself intellectually stimulated? Do you not realize that in some way this is just the way it is? (Ask any woman if their husband understands her)

 

Don't get me wrong...if you gotta leave, then leave. Your family will suffer pain but they will get over it.

 

See the thing is...you won't.

[2sunny]

The common denominator in your triangle is you.

 

I noticed you keep saying you're listening - but you won't say what decision you've made.

[alkush]

Alkush:

 

So I will tell you a secret. You and I are about the same age. Guess what else? I have cancer. So I know what a mind fux that "is this all there is" or whatever version if that is playing in your head. I know it.

 

Do you know they have therapists who SPECIALIZE IN IT? Yep, common..common...textbook. If your therapist was worth the paper her certificate was written on she would have recommended someone with that speciality.

 

So back to the happiness. I will tell you another secret. You suck as a husband. No really you do. You are selfish and thoughtless and you think the fact that you make the money means you don't have to try. I don't say this just to provoke you...I say it because I want you to see that you get out of your relationship with your wife exactly what you put in. Exactly the same.

 

That my friend is the LAW OF ATTRACTION.

 

You likely suck as a father, at least recently, where you have been mentally, if not physically absent.

 

Lets talk some truth about Michelle too. I am sure she's a perfectly nice woman who has the same inability to self soothe and self satisfy that you do. You are doing her no favors either but since she is willingly participating in your deception I do think she has to bear the consequence of her own actions.

 

You feel "attraction" to her, you allowed yourself to be obsessed and give in rather than avoid like married folks are supposed to. This "in love" feeling is chemical and goes away. Fact, look it up. What you will be left with is Michelle's version of life (her kid, her x husband, her house, her flaws) same boredom, same but different unhappiness. But poorer, cause you have to support your STBXW. So that's why people say they regret it. They wake up and realized for all the drama and unicorns and rainbows, 6 months later its exactly the same as what they left. Exactly, only they are worse off.

 

Why? Cause the marriage isn't really the issue. It's just plain you.

 

How do you make yourself happy? You go find an interest, volunteer, make friends (not FWB), join a club, adopt a dog. You find a way to build personal happiness.

 

Let me tell you one more secret...hope you get this. I don't know you, but since you have been following the script so far, I will go for broke....

 

You are re-writing your marital history to justify having an affair. Your own words (I paraphrase) say you had a very good sex life, before you stopped having sex with your wife cause you are getting those needs met by Michelle; your home life is content; you don't fight or argue. Your big complaint was your wife's mental capacity in comparison to yours...you could not "talk" you feel she is not your intellectual equal. Ok don't take this the wrong way but....don't you have friends? (Not Michelle) don't you think you have some responsibility to get yourself intellectually stimulated? Do you not realize that in some way this is just the way it is? (Ask any woman if their husband understands her)

 

Don't get me wrong...if you gotta leave, then leave. Your family will suffer pain but they will get over it.

 

See the thing is...you won't.

 

Well,,,, your almost 100% right. But I am a great father and spouse. They will tell you that and I guess thats all that matters. BUT your right, I have not been recently. It has been compromised some with the kids and tremendously with the wife. Mentally and physically. I'll agree. It must be true.

I was worried about Michelle in all this, with the hopes and dreams I filled her with if they all crash down. But yes she did get involved with a married man. In her naivety and longing. Longing for someone to accept her AND her son. My advice to her will be, if she doesn't figure it out, is to not ever get involved with a married man. The wrongness in itself aside, the married men don't know what their doing, they are confused, they most likely will never pull the trigger on leaving their wife, and while everyone is responsible for themselves, she should not tempt or accommodate them in this confusing time. She will only end up heart broken. OR they know exactly what their doing and are life long cheaters who have their story down pat. Either way she should not even consider it again. She should say, come back when your divorced for a few months.

Ha, you hit the lottery. I cannot believe this has been figured out. No, other than work friends and work related associates, I do not at this time have any friends. TA DA! Even family, which I get along with just fine, I do not spend much time with. My brother and sister and their spouses. No, except for holidays and the usual B-days. There you have it. I am a loner, always felt different. Even my wife has a couple friends. Thats why contrary to most of your beliefs I am a great dad. I spend time with my kids. If I didn't I would have noone. But even with that, I cannot communicate at a level even remotely where I need to be with my wife. So now your all going to tell me I am not fit to be with anyone. Michelle shouldn't even be in the picture. That I got a long way to go before I should even think about that. Man this is a tough night you guys.

[alkush]

The common denominator in your triangle is you.

 

I noticed you keep saying you're listening - but you won't say what decision you've made.

 

Its coming. Its moving below the surface so you don't see anything yet. its coming. Besides then when it does you will know its real.

[alkush]

Alkush:

 

So I will tell you a secret. You and I are about the same age. Guess what else? I have cancer. So I know what a mind fux that "is this all there is" or whatever version if that is playing in your head. I know it.

 

Do you know they have therapists who SPECIALIZE IN IT? Yep, common..common...textbook. If your therapist was worth the paper her certificate was written on she would have recommended someone with that speciality.

 

So back to the happiness. I will tell you another secret. You suck as a husband. No really you do. You are selfish and thoughtless and you think the fact that you make the money means you don't have to try. I don't say this just to provoke you...I say it because I want you to see that you get out of your relationship with your wife exactly what you put in. Exactly the same.

 

That my friend is the LAW OF ATTRACTION.

 

You likely suck as a father, at least recently, where you have been mentally, if not physically absent.

 

Lets talk some truth about Michelle too. I am sure she's a perfectly nice woman who has the same inability to self soothe and self satisfy that you do. You are doing her no favors either but since she is willingly participating in your deception I do think she has to bear the consequence of her own actions.

 

You feel "attraction" to her, you allowed yourself to be obsessed and give in rather than avoid like married folks are supposed to. This "in love" feeling is chemical and goes away. Fact, look it up. What you will be left with is Michelle's version of life (her kid, her x husband, her house, her flaws) same boredom, same but different unhappiness. But poorer, cause you have to support your STBXW. So that's why people say they regret it. They wake up and realized for all the drama and unicorns and rainbows, 6 months later its exactly the same as what they left. Exactly, only they are worse off.

 

Why? Cause the marriage isn't really the issue. It's just plain you.

 

How do you make yourself happy? You go find an interest, volunteer, make friends (not FWB), join a club, adopt a dog. You find a way to build personal happiness.

 

Let me tell you one more secret...hope you get this. I don't know you, but since you have been following the script so far, I will go for broke....

 

You are re-writing your marital history to justify having an affair. Your own words (I paraphrase) say you had a very good sex life, before you stopped having sex with your wife cause you are getting those needs met by Michelle; your home life is content; you don't fight or argue. Your big complaint was your wife's mental capacity in comparison to yours...you could not "talk" you feel she is not your intellectual equal. Ok don't take this the wrong way but....don't you have friends? (Not Michelle) don't you think you have some responsibility to get yourself intellectually stimulated? Do you not realize that in some way this is just the way it is? (Ask any woman if their husband understands her)

 

Don't get me wrong...if you gotta leave, then leave. Your family will suffer pain but they will get over it.

 

See the thing is...you won't.

 

BTW- This post was AMAZING for me. Thank you. Reality stinks. Your insight is fantastic. I hope your cancer is something that can be dealt with.