Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[Realist3]

I'm a gal that lives in TODAY - as in taking action in the day - that is authentic to how I acknowledge my truth.

 

And since he seems to not intend to stay with his wife - he may as well do it now.

 

She certainly deserves to be free of a man that doesn't intend to love her completely - as she is. She deserves to be away from his judgment of her being lesser than him.

 

She's actually smarter than him - because she knows how to be happy easily (his assessment, though). But either way - IF he stays - and doesn't reveal his truth - he's living the lie and putting that on her.

 

He may as well do it now - his wife can start over sooner rather than later.

 

 

Does it seem right to his W - to pretend and lie to her for more years?

 

That is all well and good, but you pretty much danced around the question.

 

I'm a gal that lives in TODAY - as in taking action in the day - that is authentic to how I acknowledge my truth.

 

The above maybe your reasoning, but do you always make rash decisions?

[2sunny]

That is all well and good, but you pretty much danced around the question.

 

 

 

The above maybe your reasoning, but do you always make rash decisions?

 

Nothing about my decisions are "rash".

 

It's no new info that OP has been living the lie to his wife for some time. My suggestion is based on changing his situation. Action is needed for change - and putting off until "tomorrow" generally never amounts to change taking place.

 

Delay? For what purpose? He says she knows he wants to divorce her - why PROLONG her agony?

 

Is there value in prolonging her pain? Is there value in having it start moving forward TODAY - so she can begin to build a new life for herself sooner? A new life that COULD possibly include being in an AUTHENTIC relationship?

 

Or is it his lies you support?

[Realist3]

Nothing about my decisions are "rash".

 

It's no new info that OP has been living the lie to his wife for some time. My suggestion is based on changing his situation. Action is needed for change - and putting off until "tomorrow" generally never amounts to change taking place.

 

Delay? For what purpose? He says she knows he wants to divorce her - why PROLONG her agony?

 

Is there value in prolonging her pain? Is there value in having it start moving forward TODAY - so she can begin to build a new life for herself sooner? A new life that COULD possibly include being in an AUTHENTIC relationship?

 

Or is it his lies you support?

 

In my first response I suggested he get a divorce.

 

I was speaking to the broader sense. In almost every thread you jump to the conclusion that action 'must be taken now!'

[2sunny]

In my first response I suggested he get a divorce.

 

I was speaking to the broader sense. In almost every thread you jump to the conclusion that action 'must be taken now!'

 

Well - generally if someone doesn't like a situation - a new action changes things - change brings hope.

 

With no change or action to DO things differently - only the same $hit should be expected.

 

But you know that, right?

[alkush]

The only way to get past this is to make a DECISION and then take steps to support that decision. So far you keep fence sitting...building a case for both sides.

 

Since you KNOW you're unhappy with your W - then divorce her. Pay her tons of money to be comfortable. The known isn't working for you (married to wife).

 

I caution you though - about looking for YOUR happiness in your OW - it comes from WITHIN!

 

And if/since you can't be happy all on your own - it's impossible to TRULY be happy with anyone else. So in the end - you don't have "happiness" to offer to any relationship. What do you have deep within that you are "offering"?

 

It may be useful to spend an extended amount of time on your own - learning what happy looks like for you -THEN see what you can offer to others.

 

I agree with you about happiness. I just don't think I know how to find it within. And my recent actions, explained here, will not be easy if at all for me to forgive of myself. And if my unhappiness is not really with the wife but of myself then why divorce her? It won't do me any good and since she is more than happy with me I should just suck it up and go along with her and try to simply work on my inner happiness as the true path.

[alkush]

The only way to get past this is to make a DECISION and then take steps to support that decision. So far you keep fence sitting...building a case for both sides.

 

Since you KNOW you're unhappy with your W - then divorce her. Pay her tons of money to be comfortable. The known isn't working for you (married to wife).

 

I caution you though - about looking for YOUR happiness in your OW - it comes from WITHIN!

 

And if/since you can't be happy all on your own - it's impossible to TRULY be happy with anyone else. So in the end - you don't have "happiness" to offer to any relationship. What do you have deep within that you are "offering"?

 

It may be useful to spend an extended amount of time on your own - learning what happy looks like for you -THEN see what you can offer to others.

 

I understand what your saying but sometimes things have to lay on the mind a little. You know what to do, you made that decision but you have to work through it emotionally a little before you can act.

[TaraMaiden]

God, are you still here?

 

It's monday tomorrow.

Find a lawyer, file for divorce and just get on with it.

 

I guarantee you'll feel a whole lot better once you finally get off standing on one leg.....

[2sunny]

I understand what your saying but sometimes things have to lay on the mind a little. You know what to do, you made that decision but you have to work through it emotionally a little before you can act.

 

Oh yes, leave things the same and expect happiness without changing a thing - hmmm, ok.

 

See how that works.

 

Sit and "think about it" more but don't take any action - and don't make any decision either. Yes, THAT will change it, won't it?

[eleanorrigby]

I agree with you about happiness. I just don't think I know how to find it within. And my recent actions, explained here, will not be easy if at all for me to forgive of myself. And if my unhappiness is not really with the wife but of myself then why divorce her? It won't do me any good and since she is more than happy with me I should just suck it up and go along with her and try to simply work on my inner happiness as the true path.

 

If you intend to sacrifice your happiness for your wife, do it whole heartedly, not half assedly. Devote yourself to pleasing her and making her life comfortable, easy, STD free, and free of any moping, whining, or complaining about your choice to martyr yourself for her sake.

 

Good luck!

[2sunny]

How long have you had your OW? How much time do you spend with her every week?

[alkush]

How long have you had your OW? How much time do you spend with her every week?

9months as of the 10fh. I usually see her Tuesday after her son goes to bed from about 8:30 p.m. Till midnight.and then Fridays same time but usually till later like 1 a.m..sometimes there are other opportunities but we're both busy with our respective kids. I still have my daughter it home. She's 16. sorry about the terrible grammar and punctuation but I'm using voice recognition while I'm driving.oh and I forgot I see her Sunday evenings for maybe an hour which is where I'm heading to right now.

[2sunny]

Nine months

 

10 hours a week X 4 weeks X 9 months = 36 weeks X10 = 360 maybe 400 hours of total time spent in front of each other...and not interacting with her son while seeing her (just to point out how your time with her is spent).

 

Just doing the math - of actual time you've spent with her.

[rumbleseat]

OP,

you seem to have a very unusual view of yourself. You say you spend a lot of time with your kids...how much time?

 

You describe your wife as being something akin to a child, a pet or even a potted plant. Your patronizing description of her is very sad.

 

So what if she is not as intelligent as you. Intelligent in what way? You say she has a learning disability? Just to let you know, most people with learning disabilities are very intelligent people. Maybe to her, you are not intelligent as you have no interest in the topics she finds interesting.

 

Really, if you left her, she would probably be far better off. It sounds like with her sweet and giving nature, she'd have no problem finding a new man to spend her time and attention with.

 

How would that make you feel? Jealous?

[alkush]

OP,

you seem to have a very unusual view of yourself. You say you spend a lot of time with your kids...how much time?

 

You describe your wife as being something akin to a child, a pet or even a potted plant. Your patronizing description of her is very sad.

 

So what if she is not as intelligent as you. Intelligent in what way? You say she has a learning disability? Just to let you know, most people with learning disabilities are very intelligent people. Maybe to her, you are not intelligent as you have no interest in the topics she finds interesting.

 

Really, if you left her, she would probably be far better off. It sounds like with her sweet and giving nature, she'd have no problem finding a new man to spend her time and attention with.

 

How would that make you feel? Jealous?

 

First off all my brother and sister have told me I am a great dad. Until this happened I was home EVERY night. As in every! 7 days. I drove them around everywhere. Was in scouting from Tigers to Eagle. I was one of few fathers who was at just about all the parent teacher conferences and open houses. etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. I taught my kids everything I could from fixing their cars, being handy at home, the value of an education. The value of work. I'm a great dad. I have faults, but unfortunately it is not hard to be a great dad relative to other dads. All you have to do is try.

Im tired of everyone jumping to conclusions and running to my wife's aid. I have been by her side dutifully and respectfully for 22 years. I don't speak disrespectfully, I am not crass or rude or sarcastic, or sharp. But if you think facts, in order to provide the proper insight to you folks are disrespect then ok, have your opinion.

I also don't care of her intelligence level. In other words intelligence alone is not what I want. I have already stated that I believe intelligence more often than not makes people less happy than more. So what good is it. All I want is someone I can reasonably talk to.

Would I be jealous? Honestly I don't know. Maybe at first. It would be a natural reaction. But definitely relieved. And I would be critical of the new guy like I would of some kid picking up my 16 year old daughter.

No one likes the cheater I understand that. But it doesn't make me all bad nor does it reflect in any way how I treated her. So stop typecasting me. I am different, good or bad.

[rumbleseat]

First off all my brother and sister have told me I am a great dad. Until this happened I was home EVERY night. As in every! 7 days. I drove them around everywhere. Was in scouting from Tigers to Eagle. I was one of few fathers who was at just about all the parent teacher conferences and open houses. etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. I taught my kids everything I could from fixing their cars, being handy at home, the value of an education. The value of work. I'm a great dad. I have faults, but unfortunately it is not hard to be a great dad relative to other dads. All you have to do is try.

Im tired of everyone jumping to conclusions and running to my wife's aid. I have been by her side dutifully and respectfully for 22 years. I don't speak disrespectfully, I am not crass or rude or sarcastic, or sharp. But if you think facts, in order to provide the proper insight to you folks are disrespect then ok, have your opinion.

I also don't care of her intelligence level. In other words intelligence alone is not what I want. I have already stated that I believe intelligence more often than not makes people less happy than more. So what good is it. All I want is someone I can reasonably talk to.

Would I be jealous? Honestly I don't know. Maybe at first. It would be a natural reaction. But definitely relieved. And I would be critical of the new guy like I would of some kid picking up my 16 year old daughter.

No one likes the cheater I understand that. But it doesn't make me all bad nor does it reflect in any way how I treated her. So stop typecasting me. I am different, good or bad.

 

I have never read a more patronizing depiction of a human being in a very long time. Funny how she was good and intelligent enough to look after you, raise your kids, have great sex with you and be an all around great wife...at least until you no longer need her. then all of a sudden she's no longer good enough for you?

 

So you spend every night at home. Big deal. Many parents do. Many go to every meeting, every game, every event. Many have been through hard times with their children that you can not begin to imagine.

 

A good dad is respectful to the mother of his children. He does not seek to insult her, albeit in a sneaky way. You do. Is this the action of a good dad?

 

Do your wife a favor. Tell her you have been unfaithful and that it was your decision and there was nothing she could have done. Tell her that you want a divorce. Do right by her, and then leave her alone.

 

Don't stop by to check on her, don't call, no emails. Just let her be.

 

She will be fine. One day you'll hear that she is doing well and has a new man and is happy. You'll also hear that he is thrilled with her and they are very much in love.

 

When that happens, don't you dare try and intercede. It's none of your business. No matter how much of a mistake you'll have realized that you made.

 

But don't worry, you'll have your other woman to keep you warm at night.

[2sunny]

Those few nights each week that you go visit your OW...what do you do when you're there?

 

Do you spend the whole time having intellectual talks and getting your fill - or do you spend half that time having sex with her?

 

We're does your wife think you are when you go to see your OW?

 

I would think that if you'd spent EVERY NIGHT at home for 20 years - your wife would get suspicious if suddenly you started being away 2 or 3 nights every week...why hasn't she suspected something is up?

[alkush]

I have never read a more patronizing depiction of a human being in a very long time. Funny how she was good and intelligent enough to look after you, raise your kids, have great sex with you and be an all around great wife...at least until you no longer need her. then all of a sudden she's no longer good enough for you?

 

So you spend every night at home. Big deal. Many parents do. Many go to every meeting, every game, every event. Many have been through hard times with their children that you can not begin to imagine.

 

A good dad is respectful to the mother of his children. He does not seek to insult her, albeit in a sneaky way. You do. Is this the action of a good dad?

 

Do your wife a favor. Tell her you have been unfaithful and that it was your decision and there was nothing she could have done. Tell her that you want a divorce. Do right by her, and then leave her alone.

 

Don't stop by to check on her, don't call, no emails. Just let her be.

 

She will be fine. One day you'll hear that she is doing well and has a new man and is happy. You'll also hear that he is thrilled with her and they are very much in love.

 

When that happens, don't you dare try and intercede. It's none of your business. No matter how much of a mistake you'll have realized that you made.

 

But don't worry, you'll have your other woman to keep you warm at night.

 

You ask me, I told you and them I am patronizing. I stick up for myself because I think your about to trap me and again Im patronizing. Why I even answered you is dumb on my part. Mot of you tell a fairytale of the future. You tell a story that ends well for her and bad for me. Because you want it to be that way. Because you think it is good Karma. I don't think that is the most likely end result. I think it most likely ends bad for both of us. And it will be my fault. That is why I question myself. And you know what, excuse me for falling into my usual 22+ year habits of taking care of them all. Bottom line, I will agree that not everyone would do or is capable of what I have done. But it does not yet define me s far as I am concerned. It is a part of the jast 50 years and 22 years of knowing my wife. It's a small part so far and I will address it in order to keep it that way.

[alkush]

Those few nights each week that you go visit your OW...what do you do when you're there?

 

Do you spend the whole time having intellectual talks and getting your fill - or do you spend half that time having sex with her?

 

We're does your wife think you are when you go to see your OW?

 

I would think that if you'd spent EVERY NIGHT at home for 20 years - your wife would get suspicious if suddenly you started being away 2 or 3 nights every week...why hasn't she suspected something is up?

 

2Sunny we talk all the time. Yes we have sex a couple times a week. But we talk, small talk, deeper stuff, alot about her son, work, etc. Rather unremarkable actually. But it is a conversation at a nice level that makes me feel like we are at the same place, in-sync. It is a rewarding time. I seem to appreciate it way way more than what it is. I think im starving for it. Like I said before I cannot have talks like this at home. What most of you do is not possible for me at home currently.

Wife thinks I am just out. I have a variety of lies. But I am not good at it. Although I am getting better and feeling less guilt. That is terrible in and of itself and scares me about myself. It is another reason it has to end. But she is starting to wonder, she doesn't buy it anymore. I need to act soon.

To show you how stupid and nieve I am I actually told the OW that I will not and think I can do this without lying. I actually did. I don't know what I was thinking and maybe still don't. I'm all messed up and it is impacting everyone potentially forever.

[crazycanuck1976]

alkush - I'm going to guess that nearly everyone writing you on this thread has never cheated themselves. I cheated big time on my wife. Quick background: married 11 years, 3 kids, I'd never been with anyone other than my wife for my entire life but ended up having an affair with the woman who competed for my attention w/ my wife back when we were teens and young adults. The physical cheating happened 3 years ago this month...the emotional cheating long, long before.

 

So, in essence I was going to leave my wife and kids and move in with the OW and her two kids. Only problem was she lived on the other side of the continent and was married as well. So, without getting into any more details, I basically imploded my life completely. It blew up beyond anything I thought was possible when it all came out and I declared I was going to leave my wife for the OW. A deep hell beyond anything I can even begin to describe began and it didn't end until I finally resolved to end all contact w/ the OW the following March.

 

My wife and I went through INTENSE counselling that only ended 8 or 9 months ago, with a few follow-ups since. The crazy thing is that my marriage today is better than it ever was before...and i would've NEVER believed that was possible. Like your situation, my wife wasn't an intellectually curious person (I work in the a very demanding intellectual environment, meeting high-level gov't leaders on a regular basis) and I was bored of her. Plus, factor in unresolved problems, family issues...I was simply done w/ her and I actually believed to my core that I had made a mistake marrying her. In essence, I believed all the lies you're telling yourself (as I read your posts). Everything you've written here could be me 3 years ago.

 

Ultimately, one of the reasons (although certainly not the only one) I ended the affair completely and resolved to stay with my wife was because I finally realized that the problems I had with my wife, although real, weren't the core issue. The core issue was in fact me. I had to fix myself.

 

I'm just going to tell you straight out: I stood on the edge of a parking garage in downtown Toronto and was seconds away from jumping when my wife called me and talked me down. Your affair will lead to thoughts of suicide when it's discovered (and it will be, mark my words). Your life will become a living hell beyond anything you can even begin to imagine.

 

The fact you're even on here asking questions abotu who you should stay with tell me that you KNOW what the right thing is to do, but you're scared to do it.

 

Man to man: end the affair cold turkey (no contact, or it will NEVER end), admit what you did to your wife, and then look up Beyond Affairs. THose people, Anne and Brian, saved my life and my family's life. They only deal with couples who are dealing with infidelity (as they went through it themselves).

 

Anyway, just don't go for the OW...you will be sorry long-term and frankly she'll likely be worse for you than your current wife. The grass isn't greener...just different.

 

Trust me...i know. End it and own up to it and then work your ass off to fix yourself and your family.

[Spark1111]

YOU are suffering from Grass is Greener Syndrome....over there with that intellectual OW who enjoys your intellect...and that other significant body part..places no demands on you and treats you like a GOD...because she can, because there are no expectations on you, no reality intruding...

 

And you end it one dAy with your BS...that simpleton who was good enough to bear children with...and she is SCOOPED UP immediately by a man who realizes her grace and charm and selfless devotion...and treAts her like a QUEEN, because women like her extremely rare...loving, devoted and uncomplicated.

 

And you THEN pull out all the stops trying to regain what you so took for granted, what another man realized was precious and rare....

 

I've read it here a million times....

 

And it is too late for you. Your relationship with your OW starts to deteriorate as she wants MUCH, maybe TOO MUCH from you, more than you can give her, more than Hasmonean ever been expected from you, and you begin to argue, argue, argue.,...

 

And your wife and your kids are happy, maybe happier with another man.

 

ball in your court.

[2sunny]

Many extremely bright women create a LOT of drama, demands and have extreme expectations of what they require a man provide her - and MANY, if they don't get what they expect from the man around - they move on and find another one who may provide MORE than what you offer.

 

Don't fool yourself - when you are ordered by the court to pay a tone of your income and assets to your wife - there may not be a money "comfort zone" enough to offer another woman much of a cushy lifestyle.

 

We're did you meet the OW?

 

How long has she been divorced?

[veryhappy]

You don't have a chance to be with Michelle. Your sense of duty, your belief in God, it will all crumble and result into taking crazycanuck's path of being reformed. You'll be so easily brainwashed - the midlife crisis you've just turned 50!, the greener grass, blah blah. In that path you'll destroy Michelle, and have terrible guilt toward your wife and kids. You have the chance now to cut your losses. Leave the OW alone, and figure out your life. Very probably you'll stay. Too risky to leave. After all you can live this numb life.

 

I doubt your wife is severely disabled, as you've had kids with her and she can run your life. I suggest you leave the OW alone and see then if you feel like getting a divorce after seeing how the discussion of getting divorced will go with your W and with the kids. You know you don't have it in you even to have that discussion, right?

 

I'm really sorry, but from the outside your story is one destined to failed. You will stay married, and will want to drag Michelle along while thinking you are at a pivotal point in your life for years.

[TaraMaiden]

Still at it, huh?

In the meantime, OP has banged his OW, spent time with her, neglected his wife and is still fence-sitting and pretending he is so worried, concerned, anxious about his poor long-suffering wife.

 

I can see how torn up you are about it, because you're mentally masturbating about what to do with regard to your marriage - but you have no qualms about continuing your hypocritical liaison with a woman whose sexual past you have expressed a concern about!

 

Yah.

Right.

 

Jeesh, either schytt or get off the pot, cake-eater!!

[2sunny]

Since you don't know what you want divorce your W since you already dropped that bomb on her world and certainly aren't acting like a loving husband.

 

Be on your own. Get professional help - to see what's missing deep inside you. While you do that - stay away from any women until you fix what's broken about yourself.

 

The only thing you have to offer a woman is your selfishness - and that never makes for a good, loving partner.

[rumbleseat]

alkush - I'm going to guess that nearly everyone writing you on this thread has never cheated themselves. I cheated big time on my wife. Quick background: married 11 years, 3 kids, I'd never been with anyone other than my wife for my entire life but ended up having an affair with the woman who competed for my attention w/ my wife back when we were teens and young adults. The physical cheating happened 3 years ago this month...the emotional cheating long, long before.

 

So, in essence I was going to leave my wife and kids and move in with the OW and her two kids. Only problem was she lived on the other side of the continent and was married as well. So, without getting into any more details, I basically imploded my life completely. It blew up beyond anything I thought was possible when it all came out and I declared I was going to leave my wife for the OW. A deep hell beyond anything I can even begin to describe began and it didn't end until I finally resolved to end all contact w/ the OW the following March.

 

My wife and I went through INTENSE counselling that only ended 8 or 9 months ago, with a few follow-ups since. The crazy thing is that my marriage today is better than it ever was before...and i would've NEVER believed that was possible. Like your situation, my wife wasn't an intellectually curious person (I work in the a very demanding intellectual environment, meeting high-level gov't leaders on a regular basis) and I was bored of her. Plus, factor in unresolved problems, family issues...I was simply done w/ her and I actually believed to my core that I had made a mistake marrying her. In essence, I believed all the lies you're telling yourself (as I read your posts). Everything you've written here could be me 3 years ago.

 

Ultimately, one of the reasons (although certainly not the only one) I ended the affair completely and resolved to stay with my wife was because I finally realized that the problems I had with my wife, although real, weren't the core issue. The core issue was in fact me. I had to fix myself.

 

I'm just going to tell you straight out: I stood on the edge of a parking garage in downtown Toronto and was seconds away from jumping when my wife called me and talked me down. Your affair will lead to thoughts of suicide when it's discovered (and it will be, mark my words). Your life will become a living hell beyond anything you can even begin to imagine.

 

The fact you're even on here asking questions abotu who you should stay with tell me that you KNOW what the right thing is to do, but you're scared to do it.

 

Man to man: end the affair cold turkey (no contact, or it will NEVER end), admit what you did to your wife, and then look up Beyond Affairs. THose people, Anne and Brian, saved my life and my family's life. They only deal with couples who are dealing with infidelity (as they went through it themselves).

 

Anyway, just don't go for the OW...you will be sorry long-term and frankly she'll likely be worse for you than your current wife. The grass isn't greener...just different.

 

Trust me...i know. End it and own up to it and then work your ass off to fix yourself and your family.

 

Alkush, ake this story and pay close attention.

 

You are so wrapped up in defending yourself and being right that you are ignoring the act that people are trying to help you. They are not trying to be mean or hurt you. They have seen your situation over and over again and want to keep you from falling into the same trap. You just don't wnat to hear it.

 

Everyone wants to feel like their situation is special or unique. Most often, they are not.