Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[alkush]

For being such a smart muther****er, I'm not sure why you don't know the difference between your and you're.

I do, I'm just so tired trying to keep up with all of you. Im not even editing anymore. And whatever, why would you need to say that?

 

You're not nice.

Your mother would not be proud.

[alkush]

Really? You don't? Coming in with one story, which was false. To which I gave you my honest opinion and an encouraging reply. Now I find out it was a lie. Whatever.

 

Yep, I don't get it. Many of you are quick to assume and don't listen. This is a somewhat snobby forum. I would rather be like my wife then be smart like this crowd! I failed there too.

[Realist3]

My mother is dead. She doesn't care anymore.

 

Just divorce your wife. Like I said in my first response, I know what it is like not to be happy in a relationship. This will eat at you forever if you don't take this opportunity. You will never again be happy with your wife.

[alkush]

My mother is dead. She doesn't care anymore.

 

Just divorce your wife. Like I said in my first response, I know what it is like not to be happy in a relationship. This will eat at you forever if you don't take this opportunity. You will never again be happy with your wife.

 

Realist3,

Ok, ok.

So this is a good point. My thinking, faulty or not, has me screwed. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Actually my only chance at this point is the slight chance that I can be happy with Michelle. Better than nothing. And everyone on the forum says my wife will be ok.

[Realist3]

Your wife will be fine as long as you do the right thing and provide for her. THAT is your duty morally. You have stated numerous times that you will so.. follow up on that, without fail. In to years when you think it sucks, do it.

 

Go live your new life, everyone deserves to be happy.

[alkush]

Your wife will be fine as long as you do the right thing and provide for her. THAT is your duty morally. You have stated numerous times that you will so.. follow up on that, without fail. In to years when you think it sucks, do it.

 

Go live your new life, everyone deserves to be happy.

 

GREAT ADVICE!

I have chased money my whole life. BIG FRIGGEN DEAL. It hasn't made me very happy. So I take care of her and go on.

The hope and pursuit of happiness is better than no hope. At least it will keep me busy for a decade or so.

thanks

[2sunny]

You ask what you should do? Hmmm

 

Ok, I'll answer. Do what's right. Do what makes you proud of yourself. BE the H with integrity and honor. Be the man that stated vows.

 

And be honest with your W - and go to counseling together. Take a few classes together and discuss together what you are learning. Help her grow.

 

Look, you could D - and hate yourself for it. The OW could end up being a nightmare. Her son may be a challenge. It COULD get ugly.

 

Be that man that finds the beauty in his wife, helps her grow and REconnects with her instead of finding her faults.

[Realist3]

GREAT ADVICE!

I have chased money my whole life. BIG FRIGGEN DEAL. It hasn't made me very happy. So I take care of her and go on.

The hope and pursuit of happiness is better than no hope. At least it will keep me busy for a decade or so.

thanks

 

I have too. I chose money and the blissful peace and bull**** that comes with, but I was not truly happy. Once I found someone that made me happy, all the money in the world was worthless.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Realist3

[alkush]

I have too. I chose money and the blissful peace and bull**** that comes with, but I was not truly happy. Once I found someone that made me happy, all the money in the world was worthless.

 

YEAH EXACTLY! I get that.

[alkush]

You ask what you should do? Hmmm

 

Ok, I'll answer. Do what's right. Do what makes you proud of yourself. BE the H with integrity and honor. Be the man that stated vows.

 

And be honest with your W - and go to counseling together. Take a few classes together and discuss together what you are learning. Help her grow.

 

Look, you could D - and hate yourself for it. The OW could end up being a nightmare. Her son may be a challenge. It COULD get ugly.

 

Be that man that finds the beauty in his wife, helps her grow and REconnects with her instead of finding her faults.

 

Sounds good but I tried to be the good husband for 22 years! I was proud of myself, I had integrity and honor. It made her happy. Most on the forum told me I waited too long. You want me to dig in and recommit. This is so hard, so frustrating. I did the right thing for her, for society. I"m not HAPPYYYYYYY! I don't have it in me. I'm at the bottom. It's easy to say, but I can't seem to go. Until I met Michelle I did exactly what you said for 22 years. After 18 months of knowing Michelle, and silently interested in her it erupted. and It threw everything into my face, emotionally, undeniably. If you want me to do this whether or not it leads to happiness then I guess that is a position. Is that what your saying? Maybe my happiness should still be secondary to everyone elses and to my vows. Is what it is huh?

[alkush]

You ask what you should do? Hmmm

 

Ok, I'll answer. Do what's right. Do what makes you proud of yourself. BE the H with integrity and honor. Be the man that stated vows.

 

And be honest with your W - and go to counseling together. Take a few classes together and discuss together what you are learning. Help her grow.

 

Look, you could D - and hate yourself for it. The OW could end up being a nightmare. Her son may be a challenge. It COULD get ugly.

 

Be that man that finds the beauty in his wife, helps her grow and REconnects with her instead of finding her faults.

 

BTW I wanted her to go to the counselor with me but she wouldn't. So I have been going myself for like 6 months or so.

[2sunny]

BTW I wanted her to go to the counselor with me but she wouldn't. So I have been going myself for like 6 months or so.

 

And have you told the counselor that you're having an affair?

[alkush]

And have you told the counselor that you're having an affair?

 

Yes she does. The counselor knows more about me than probably anyone.

[Sooverhim]

Your ridiculous:

My wife is dumber than me. Dumber than most. She will tell you that. It is a fact. What is wrong with facts. BUT in my eyes she is a better person than most. She has tremendous common sense. Who cares about how smart she is. It didn't make me too happy.

 

I cant change the past of why I married her. I did what I did. People do it all the time. its foolish to pick on me on this topic.

 

I already explained the divorce comment. so I am done with it.

I said the sex was great. It was great all those years. Whats the deal? It only ended 6 months ago. Did I have to specify that. I was talking about the disposition of my marriage BEFORE all this happened. That is what was relevant to setting up the situation. Why is that hard to understand?

Your simply wrong.

 

Who cares about how smart she is? Quite clearly you do!

 

Why is that hard to understand? I'm sorry, I do find it hard to understand why you married your wife and why you have stayed married to her for 22 years, I am obviously "slow" just like your wife:rolleyes:

[CarrieT]

You have told your wife you want a divorce, yes?

 

How did she respond?

[2sunny]

Yes she does. The counselor knows more about me than probably anyone.

 

And what did she suggest you tell your wife?

[Sooverhim]

I do commend you Alkush for trying to make it work and for giving your W and children a good life up to this point. In my opinion though, and I am no expert and do also hold my hands up to being slightly ridiculous, I do think given how you feel about your W now that it would be best for you to end your M, I don't think it would be good for you to spend the rest of your days with your W considering what you have told us about the intellectual incompatability. It would probably be best for your W though if you would try to make your M work and go to counselling together. It seems that she would not want to divorce you and is happy in the M.

 

I do sympathise with your situation Alkush, even though I don't understand it.

 

I don't think you should jump straight to moving in with Michelle and her child. You should take some time to yourself and be sure that is what you really want before making any decisions.

 

The best of luck to you!

[alkush]

Who cares about how smart she is? Quite clearly you do!

 

Why is that hard to understand? I'm sorry, I do find it hard to understand why you married your wife and why you have stayed married to her for 22 years, I am obviously "slow" just like your wife:rolleyes:

 

Your missing the point. Im saying that being smart at times causes more trouble than good in ones head. At least for me. So I said that I respect her more for other things and discount the dumb. It doesn't matter, it is a compatibility thing, regardless why. Maybe Im the dumb one and her smart and I am too dumb to recognize it. But I might still want the divorce because were incompatible. I am just stating facts, as I see them, to the best of my ability.

[alkush]

You have told your wife you want a divorce, yes?

 

How did she respond?

 

Carrie,

I told here that I'm thinking about it not that I want it. She cried and was upset. Not much anger, just upset.

[alkush]

And what did she suggest you tell your wife?

 

She tells me that I have to make a decision. That she will be pushing me harder as time goes on. She says her role is to not judge but to help me figure out what I want to do, help me cope, and push me to act.

[alkush]

I do commend you Alkush for trying to make it work and for giving your W and children a good life up to this point. In my opinion though, and I am no expert and do also hold my hands up to being slightly ridiculous, I do think given how you feel about your W now that it would be best for you to end your M, I don't think it would be good for you to spend the rest of your days with your W considering what you have told us about the intellectual incompatability. It would probably be best for your W though if you would try to make your M work and go to counselling together. It seems that she would not want to divorce you and is happy in the M.

 

I do sympathise with your situation Alkush, even though I don't understand it.

 

I don't think you should jump straight to moving in with Michelle and her child. You should take some time to yourself and be sure that is what you really want before making any decisions.

 

The best of luck to you!

 

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you. Here is the high level:

1)I still think I want to get the divorce.

2)I do think that she will be better if I stay married and just keep doing what I have been doing. I really do. So that is the quandry. Do I serve her like I have for 22 years or start serving myself? She is truly happy. She said she has no issues with me. (see what I mean about her.) No one else in the world would have no issues with me. I can be a handful, but I always, always mean well to my family.

3) Even if I did want to move in with Michelle she would never allow it unless we were married because of her son. Great attitude I think. Can't even ever sleep over, even on the couch, again because of her son. She is a good woman. It will be a good 6 months before any significant changes with Michelle. I agree with your comments. I need to be vary wary of my ability to think straight at this time.

thanks

[alkush]

Hey, I'm right with you when it comes to doing what's morally right. I have zero respect for liars and cheaters, and don't condone affairs in any way, shape or form.

 

But I think it's time for the OP to stop beating this dead horse. Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and get up from the table.

 

No amount of marriage counseling or good behavior or taking classes together is going to magically revive feelings of love in this man that are simply NO LONGER THERE. All he'd be doing at this point is giving his wife false hope.

 

Do I think he should have manned up and left on his OWN steam instead of finding a soft place to land - a/k/a Michelle? You betcha. The sorry truth is that most men will cling to an unhappy marriage for a long long time unless they have someone waiting to take care of them on the other side - whether they want to admit it or not. As is the usual scenario, the OP has done exactly this. I've seen it over and over and over and over again. No surprise here.

 

Lastly, it would appear the OP is willing to sign up for a lifetime of raising someone else's adult child who is always going to need assistance from his mother. I wouldn't be at ALL surprised to see the OP back in a couple of years, complaining bitterly that his relationship has gone right into the crapper because his new wife is always putting junior and his needs first.

 

I'm just going to pop myself up a big old bucket of popcorn and watch the show.

 

Miss Priss,

I actually agree 100% with everything you have said. Everything. Although a note on the special needs kid. He should be OK. I haven't spelled out his issues to you guys or the extent of them. Should be able to be on his own when the time comes. But it will be a challenge. I will not water that reality down.

Thanks

[2sunny]

The only way to get past this is to make a DECISION and then take steps to support that decision. So far you keep fence sitting...building a case for both sides.

 

Since you KNOW you're unhappy with your W - then divorce her. Pay her tons of money to be comfortable. The known isn't working for you (married to wife).

 

I caution you though - about looking for YOUR happiness in your OW - it comes from WITHIN!

 

And if/since you can't be happy all on your own - it's impossible to TRULY be happy with anyone else. So in the end - you don't have "happiness" to offer to any relationship. What do you have deep within that you are "offering"?

 

It may be useful to spend an extended amount of time on your own - learning what happy looks like for you -THEN see what you can offer to others.

[Realist3]

The only way to get past this is to make a DECISION and then take steps to support that decision. So far you keep fence sitting...building a case for both sides.

 

Since you KNOW you're unhappy with your W - then divorce her. Pay her tons of money to be comfortable. The known isn't working for you (married to wife).

 

I caution you though - about looking for YOUR happiness in your OW - it comes from WITHIN!

 

And if/since you can't be happy all on your own - it's impossible to TRULY be happy with anyone else. So in the end - you don't have "happiness" to offer to any relationship. What do you have deep within that you are "offering"?

 

It may be useful to spend an extended amount of time on your own - learning what happy looks like for you -THEN see what you can offer to others.

 

 

I'm not going to discount your advice out of hand, but what is it with always suggesting that action needs to be taken immediately? There are probably 100 or more threads where your advice is, "Do it now. Do it yesterday!" What is up with that?

[2sunny]

I'm not going to discount your advice out of hand, but what is it with always suggesting that action needs to be taken immediately? There are probably 100 or more threads where your advice is, "Do it now. Do it yesterday!" What is up with that?

 

I'm a gal that lives in TODAY - as in taking action in the day - that is authentic to how I acknowledge my truth.

 

And since he seems to not intend to stay with his wife - he may as well do it now.

 

She certainly deserves to be free of a man that doesn't intend to love her completely - as she is. She deserves to be away from his judgment of her being lesser than him.

 

She's actually smarter than him - because she knows how to be happy easily (his assessment, though). But either way - IF he stays - and doesn't reveal his truth - he's living the lie and putting that on her.

 

He may as well do it now - his wife can start over sooner rather than later.

 

 

Does it seem right to his W - to pretend and lie to her for more years?

Edited August 11, 2013 by 2sunny