Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[Sooverhim]

It is absolutely heartbreaking the way you talk about your wife, Alkush, your lack of respect for her is disgusting, you talk about her as though she's a faithful, cheerful, enthusiastic pet, loyal and happy, wagging her tail at you gratefully and contentedly while you pat her head. Why on earth did you marry her if you find her so intellectually beneath you? I hope that whatever happens your wife is happy and has a nice life ..... dear knows she deserves it, she has spent her whole life making sure you and your children have a nice life and are happy, she deserves better than having a husband who thinks she is "slow" and intellectually inferior.

 

It is very concerning that you are telling lies to the people here who are trying to help you and others. Quite frankly if you are not even capable of being honest on an anonymous forum then there's no hope for you!

 

You're not the smart guy you think you are .... only a dumb guy would post that he got divorced 2 years ago, then post that he has been married for donkeys years, that his sex wife with his wife is great then that he no longer has sex with his wife, blah, blah, blah and think that nobody would notice.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Sooverhim

[2sunny]

Well, if this story is really true (and according to many posts here, it may not be), I honestly don't know that it would be necessary to tell his wife about his affair if he leaves.

 

Hey, I'm all for honesty, don't get me wrong. But I just don't see the point in shoving the knife into his wife any deeper than it's already going to go if the OP leaves his wife. I mean, she'll already be crushed enough when her world is shattered by her husband's admission that he's leaving. Why does she also have to suffer the extra indignity of knowing she's been lied to and betrayed for years, all the self esteem issues that are bound to arise when an OW is involved (especially a younger one), the awful mind movies that will constantly play in this poor woman's head over and over, and all the other hideous things that a confession like this will no doubt inspire in her?

 

It's almost like kicking her when she's already down.

 

My opinion is based SOLEY on a concern for the BW and her emotional and mental health. Marriages DO break up due to couples falling out of love and becoming complacent and apathetic with each other, and I honestly think she'd be able to reconcile with that reason (in the long term) a little better than finding out her husband traded her in for a younger, 'smarter' model. No good can come from that knowledge at ALL.

 

JMHO.

 

But she will find out - eventually.

 

So why not be the one to tell her?

[Realist3]

But she will find out - eventually.

 

So why not be the one to tell her?

 

It's called pouring salt into an open wound. It serves no purpose. If she finds out later so be it. She will already have moved on.

[eddyctv]

I don't understand why everyone is raining so hard on this guy.

 

Alkush, You only live once. Do what makes you happy! Your wife will survive a divorce.

[Steen719]

I am not going to reiterate what others have said, but I would implore you to think about your kids. You think they will never know about Michelle, but you might be surprised at how much they can find out later. Just who do you think they will feel aligned with? You? Most likely not. My son, almost 23, hardly sees or talks to his dad and has little respect for him. That makes me sad, but he has his own feelings about it and he hated to see me hurt. Just so you will know, I am not vulnerable or slow and I do have a job and I have worked all of my life and I am helping with college expenses (just me) and so his feelings are related to his moral code and how much he loves his mother. I can't begin to think what he might feel if I was vulnerable, like your wife. He had to struggle with his own feelings to have any kind of relationship (I encouraged him to), but I don't believe he would have if I were vulnerable as your wife is.

 

The other point I wanted to make was that my XH is very unhappy and texts me or calls me every few days to ask me to take him back. He never ended up with his AP - she is still with her husband and the wonderful life he thought he was having with his new gf went bad pretty quickly. I look good to him now. I am no different - he just realized what he lost. Just yesterday he told me (after I told him about the older dog being sick) that he wanted to see us all, he missed us and that he ended up screwing up the things he ended up caring about the most in his life. It is sad.

 

You need to be really sure about what you are doing. Your life (in my opinion) with Michelle seems like a nightmare waiting to happen - a woman willing to cheat with a man who has a "slow" wife, a learning disabled child to care for, the guilt you will feel, the isolation from your kids, the lessening of sex as you go along all sound like a recipe for a pretty shi**y life to me. Have at it if that is what you want. For what it's worth, I think a lot of men would be happy with a happy wife who has sex a lot and enjoys it.

[alkush]

We're here to give honest opinions, not to make you feel better about the very, very bad decisions you've made.

 

If you never really loved this woman and considered her your intellectual inferior, why did you string her along for 22 years? You provided her materially...but she also took care of you and your kids. Furthermore, she gave you her genuine love while you acted as if you love her. Why on Earth would you keep up this masquerade for 22 years?

 

You said something earlier. You said you are responsible for this mess of your own making. If that's the case, you should man up and bear the cost...instead of running off with your affair partner and shifting the cost to your unwitting wife. Child and spousal support will not make up for the devastation you're about to unleash.

 

Everyone deserves a chance at true love and happiness, but I don't think you have the right to go about it in the way you're doing it now under your circumstances.

 

I appreciate your response. I think I was stringing myself along. In denial or something. Time goes by, the kids come, career, just life. We never fight, it's always pleasant. Almost never at odds. Just 2 nice people trying to get along and do what we and society says were supposed to do. No stress between us, no financial issues, even the kids have been no trouble. Its been rather smooth and I am thankful for that. From the outside it has been idylic. So It never came to a pivotal point. I don't have the answer why I waited.

She is intellectually inferior. But I do not consider her inferior. She is better than me. I always thought that. The world doesn't need more of me, it needs more of her type. I mean that.

Well I am starting to understand that a 50/50 split with assets may not be appropriate. At least I am getting that far. I just hear about all these stereotypical guys trying to get away without giving anything and I figure I would freely go right to the 50%. But maybe 75% is more appropriate. I guess the point being I cannot in any way make up for the emotional toll. I should take care of her financially. I get that. I am very capable. I will be ok. (I guess) Plus I don't want the kids to see their mom struggle.

 

Ooooh, It's so complicated. Such a mess. All I have to do is shut up, dump Michelle, (Who will be very hurt. Again my fault) and go on in the status quo and everyone else will be ok. My life has never been out of control and so,,,,dramatic.

[alkush]

well, you do sound like a pretty f*cked up individual. i mean, you seem a bit narcissistic and self-entitled, but most cheaters do, anyway.

 

that being said, if you don't love your wife then i think you should divorce her. i do agree with the others that she deserves the truth. it seems to me that your poor impression of her "mental capacities" has left you believing she deserves less than a person who's "brighter" on the scale..... at least that's how it comes off to me. that's just cruel.

 

No, she deserves it all. She deserves happiness too. She is remarkable in that she has attributes most don't. She is truly happy with less. She doesn't ask for much in life. I have always admired that about her. Doesn't matter why. So people like me truly are too smart for their own good. I think too much. It's a waste. She just has a basic foundation of how things are supposed to be and lives life accordingly. It makes sense to her. It's unquestionable and unwavering. It's quite beautiful actually. Nothing makes sense to me. i agree that I am the one with issues and she doesn't deserve me,,,,as of 8 months ago anyway.

[HopingAgain]

You've said yourself that your life has been calm and idyllic up to 8 months ago. Are you really gonna trade in 20 something years of that for 8 months of excitement and drama? I really think you have the grass is greener on the other side blues BAD! I hope you really realistically consider what your life will be like with less love, peace and support but loads more drama!

[alkush]

I never described you as "selfless". You are far from that in your actions.

 

And everyone I know pays taxes on the spousal support - and the spouse paying gets the amount as a tax write off. Didn't your attorney tell you?

 

And since you make more than 109K - you should be willing to give her at least 50% of your income - as you stated you wanted her comfortable and she's never earned money.

 

Likely she will get half of the assets and half of your retirement.

 

You describe her like she's mentally deficient - like you just recently decided to notice - and resent it as if its a new revelation.

 

It paints you in a dark light. Couple that with the cheating and it looks like a mid life crisis and rewriting what's real - but you're in "that fog".

 

I feel for the victim - you're wife.

 

I don't believe you told her - you're info is short changing us - except in the criticism regarding your wife.

 

I don't know how I became suspect of my truthfulness on the forum. I have explained myself.

I don't have a lawyer yet. I didn't get that far.

I didn't know she pays tax on it and I get the write off. Why should I get a write off? I didn't have it now while married? Anyway I will work it out. I don't want any financial trouble for her.

You people are typecasting me or I just don't believe Im in the same situation as most. I'm probably wrong then. I didn't just wake up and notice how she is. I have know for about 20 years. Thought she was just quiet at first but learned of her reading/ writing disabilities. Akin to 3rd grade I would say. How she got through school, etc. Job history. Thought she was quiet due to wisdom, that she could keep her mouth closed about people and situations, etc. I admired it. Unlike me who always has a comment. Again I admired it. But as time goes on, say, 2 years married, I said, wait a minute, somethings wrong, she doesn't have opinions, you ask her her opinion about topics and if an answer comes it is very basic and shallow. I don't know what you want me to say. I did this 22 years ago. It's what I simply did. I'm responsible for it.

I do not hold any resentment for her in any way. Maybe if I did blame her, unfairly, I would have done something about this years ago! Is that what you prefer?

[alkush]

I never described you as "selfless". You are far from that in your actions.

 

And everyone I know pays taxes on the spousal support - and the spouse paying gets the amount as a tax write off. Didn't your attorney tell you?

 

And since you make more than 109K - you should be willing to give her at least 50% of your income - as you stated you wanted her comfortable and she's never earned money.

 

Likely she will get half of the assets and half of your retirement.

 

You describe her like she's mentally deficient - like you just recently decided to notice - and resent it as if its a new revelation.

 

It paints you in a dark light. Couple that with the cheating and it looks like a mid life crisis and rewriting what's real - but you're in "that fog".

 

I feel for the victim - you're wife.

 

I don't believe you told her - you're info is short changing us - except in the criticism regarding your wife.

 

Here is what she knows from me in the last 6 months I guess:

I am unhappy

It keeps getting worse

I feel alone mentally

I think I want a divorce

I think I should move into an apartment for a while

I told her I need to figure this out.

I told her that I know that I cant expect her to stick around while I do. That like she says it works both ways.

I do not blame her, Its not her fault

I told her she is a good wife

[MidwestUSA]

I don't know how I became suspect of my truthfulness on the forum.

 

Really? You don't? Coming in with one story, which was false. To which I gave you my honest opinion and an encouraging reply. Now I find out it was a lie. Whatever.

[2sunny]

I don't know how I became suspect of my truthfulness on the forum. I have explained myself.

I don't have a lawyer yet. I didn't get that far.

I didn't know she pays tax on it and I get the write off. Why should I get a write off? I didn't have it now while married? Anyway I will work it out. I don't want any financial trouble for her.

You people are typecasting me or I just don't believe Im in the same situation as most. I'm probably wrong then. I didn't just wake up and notice how she is. I have know for about 20 years. Thought she was just quiet at first but learned of her reading/ writing disabilities. Akin to 3rd grade I would say. How she got through school, etc. Job history. Thought she was quiet due to wisdom, that she could keep her mouth closed about people and situations, etc. I admired it. Unlike me who always has a comment. Again I admired it. But as time goes on, say, 2 years married, I said, wait a minute, somethings wrong, she doesn't have opinions, you ask her her opinion about topics and if an answer comes it is very basic and shallow. I don't know what you want me to say. I did this 22 years ago. It's what I simply did. I'm responsible for it.

I do not hold any resentment for her in any way. Maybe if I did blame her, unfairly, I would have done something about this years ago! Is that what you prefer?

 

Yet YOU went on - stayed - and had 2 kids with her, why? If it was that way - why?

[2sunny]

I work with a mentally deficient guy - he can't tell time - and he can't spell - yet he's a high school graduate. Unbelievable! Anyone can tell upon interacting that he doesn't function at a high level mentally.

 

You had to have noticed BEFORE you CHOSE to marry her - that your wife was challenged! It's your fault - because you must have known and chose her anyway!

 

Now you want a free pass after TRICKING her for 22 years - and you wonder WHY people are opposed to YOUR NEW CHOICES?

 

No can do - you're justifying and rewriting your M history to suit YOUR NEEDS!

[alkush]

Still awaiting a response to this question...

 

 

 

 

 

You are deflecting your issues onto the two women in your life.

Your wife is wonderful. Possibly every man's dream as a wife and mother.

Yet you feel you cannot find fulfilment with her.

That's a flaw in you, not her....

 

Michelle used to have a husband who was a good few years younger than she was. You questioned her sexual proclivities and wondered if she was bordering on paedophile. (bit strong, but you get my point).

She was fine with it. He was fine with it.

(Even though she divorced him because he had serious personality dysfunctions, and you admitted this.)

 

The one who had any misgivings in accepting that, was you.

 

You're a 'problem' guy.

Your evaluation of others puts them on a pedestal, then expects them to remain there.... yet you still find flaws.

 

Yup. You have a distinct perfectionist attitude which has landed you in a world of crap....

 

Tara,

I did respond to the question I believe yesterday. It doesn't matter man or woman I treat both sexes the same way in regards to this topic. I see it as faulty and am working on it. But again both sexes.

 

Your response again hits me good. Something about the way you say things.

Ok, so Ive tried to be happy with my wife. What have I done wrong? How do I get fulfillment with her? Doesn't nothing matter if I don't have love? Sure seems that the rest doesn't motivate me to stick around anymore.

 

Your absolutely right about Michelle and her ex. Absolutely. Her and I talked last night. He was indeed 20 she was 29. It is every ones problem if he was 17. He was 20 so then I agree with you completely that if I am troubled with it then it is ONLY my problem. Plus she has no other history of liking younger guys. So it is what it is. I can't and shouldn't judge it. So Im past this one. The forum helped and talking to her helped. I came away understanding that I have insecurities and that things bother me that wouldn't bother others. It me, me ,me. not her. I'm past this one and trying to be better.

 

To quote you:

You're a 'problem' guy.

Your evaluation of others puts them on a pedestal, then expects them to remain there.... yet you still find flaws."

 

This is perfect........Thank you very much.

 

From what your saying I infer that I put them on a pedestal because then it is safe. Nothing to worry about. They are perfect. hmmm, sounds selfish actually. I can't deal with their differences so if your perfect I don't have to deal with it. But that's so unfair to them because no one can live up to it. hmmm. I guess previous to your great comment I just figured I love them so I create an artificial impression that no one can live up to. The reality starts creeping in and the trouble begins. Then I want to fix it, I want to know all the details so I can hopefully explain it away and make it better. I don't know.

So I need to accept people. Even if that acceptance creates risk, perceived risk anyway. See my wife lead such a simple life previous to me that there was no risk. She had no story. No raised eyebrows. It was a breath of fresh air. I latched onto that and saw it as a prize. The girl you take home to mom. No risk, no fear, nothing, nadda, zip. Never a surprise, never coming out of left field. But I guess that later became boring, dead, monotonous, just mundane. I tell ya, I'm dead inside. I don't know what to do. I wouldn't even know how if I did. It's been to long. I don't blame her for anything. I just feel I need to save myself but I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. It's how I feel. I did man up. I didn't tell Michelle of my feelings for 1.5 years. Then I was weak, November 10, 2012, and everything broke loose. I don't know what to tell you folks.

thanks Tara

[alkush]

I would just like to say that your story is very heartfelt and deep. At least you are sitting here writing your feelings and guilt on this forum and expressing how truly bad you feel, although your actions may seem so negative and selfish to others.. First off, any other typical man would carry on with their affair without an utter feeling of guilt or care..you at least have sympathy, care and worry, granted you did cheat, BUT we are all human!! I am 25 and in a very difficult 6 year engagement and I even have feelings of temptation as well. My situation is horrible because I am attracted to married man at work and I know he is attracted as well.. Nothing has ever happened but I can't say it won't..Life is crazy, and yes we make selfish mistakes, but sometimes making selfish mistakes could have been a result from making a previous selfless one. I know that may not make sense, but just remember life is TOO short to ponder and be unhappy.

I am not even married yet but I feel like my relationship has gone to relation-****.

 

It is a sad situation, but so is living YOUR life unhappy and wondering "what if." Sometimes I wish I can take my own advice. They say always hold on to your 2nd love, because if you fell in love again, you never truly loved your first.

 

Thank you so much. Yes this is it, you got it. Reading this almost brought tears to my eyes. You have the essence of the position I've been thinking of. I feel my feelings are legitimate. Not my actions, but my feelings. Whats wrong with that?

 

I tried to spill my guts and humble myself so I can gain insight. And everyone attacks and assumes. All I did is say I was divorced in a post that I actually connect with this one. I did it to keep things from going off on another path. It was about my GF. Not the stupid situation spelled out here. But I had to be able to have people understand that I was predisposed to 20 years of safety and seeing things a certain way. Thats all.

Anyway, I never thought I would be this person. I am so disappointed to understand that I did and am capable of this. You folks need to understand that good or bad I am in no way a typical guy. Im a good guy that has made big mistakes. I guess there's a point where you have to reclassify as bad. I hope I'm not there yet.

[alkush]

His story is based on a bunch of lies. To his wife, and to us.

Don't feel too sorry for him.

he is the sole author and orchestrator of his own issues.

 

he states he is trying to find a way out and admits all 'faults' and accusations.

But I get the impression he still puts his own feelings and sentiments, wants and ambitions, first and foremost.

 

That's the perfectionist in him.

it all has to fit in neatly with what he ultimately envisions.

 

Tara, you drive me crazy. You don't like me but your responses are good. There are no lies other than the divorce thing. If there are then they are lies that I tell myself and then just forward to you. I am unaware. Maybe there is deeper meaning to what your saying. I don't know. I'm done with this lying thing. If I have to go to another forum and start over I guess I can. Boy, you all say how I am so critical of others but you sure quickly jumped all over me, passed judgement, pegged me, chewed me up and spit me out. All to your your satisfaction.

Thanks

 

I agree I have no one to blame but myself. Never said otherwise. So, your saying that my way out is to not consider my feelings, sentiments, wants and ambitions? You just want me to take the high road? I did that for 22 years. I'm stubborn, I was going to make it all ok. You guys are mad at me for doing that. I don't get it. What do you want? That I be smart enough 23 (22 + 1) years ago and never got involved? I cant change that.

Yes I have an ultimate vision. What is wrong with striving? Those very traits that I have, when used positively have provided security, safety, and an excellent life for my family and served me well in my career. I don't understand what you want. But that is why I posted in the first place. Arent we all trying to make our lives fit into a vision we have of the future? Am I missing something your trying to say? Is there a fundamental flaw in my general thinking of life? Are you just saying to be satisfied with what I have even if it is not perfect? Don't spend my efforts looking for more, spend time learning to be satisfied with what I have? Is that it? I don't get you Tara.

I'm just not in love Tara. I don't know what to say about that fundamental problem no matter what else is right, no matter if everything else is right.

[2sure]

I'm shocked and concerned that you did not notice until two years into the marriage that your wife had the academic skills of a third grader. That's a severe Disability. If you didn't notice, is it perhaps that intellectually you are a better match than you think?

 

I would think that, given her disability, the length of your marriage , and that the two of you decided she wouldn't work much....

 

Seriously, I'm the LAST person to say don't get a divorce, but you're screwed.

[alkush]

alkush,

 

first off: I'll go with the premise that you're of above average intelligence, and that your wife is slow. I don't see why that couldn't be true.

 

Second, I too have felt lonely in my marriage with a woman who was not my intellectual equal. I cheated on her, after years of being faithful and taking care of her (she has a chronic illness). We divorced. She's happy with a new man in spite of her condition.

 

The crux though is that the loneliness wasn't caused by an intellectual disconnect between me and my wife. The loneliness is deeply ingrained in me, and though it can be masked by the thrill of a new love and a new/different type of connection, that is not a burden to be put on a (single) partner.

 

I discovered how important it is for me to maintain a good social network, with intellectual peers (mostly men though), and similarly to maintain the relationships with my family (parents, siblings), in order to not feel lonely.

 

You're right that your affair probably confronted you with how lonely you've been feeling, but a new wife is imo not the solution.

 

My advice: break-up with Michelle, confess to your wife, and show her your full vulnerability. She probably won't meet you on an intellectual level, but she may help you with old-school knowledge that is still very applicable, even to a bright mind. Such as: "go have a beer with your (male) friends".

 

Mint,

First off, thank you for not judging me.

Now that is information I can use. You solution is extremely viable and legitimate. I thank you much. I've kinda thought of this in another way. Simply stated as I'm the type of person who cannot ever really be happy and it is of my own doing. No one else is going to change that. It may give me hope for a while, but it will not be true. I agree that I may be able to find much of what I am lacking through a stronger social network and more time spent with family and my kiddies. It may be that simple. Sometimes smarter people get wrapped up in a need for complicated solutions. But the truly smart or (not so) common sense people see things simpler and more reality based.

I truly thank you and will think about this a lot.

 

One question: I don't understand confessing to my wife. Why does she have to be affirmed of what she now only suspects? I don't want her forgiveness, I will just deal with it. Can't she just see any questionable actions end and know it is behind? I could certainly answer any questions truthfully if she asks. But why to offer it all up? I could tell her that the counselor saved our marriage and this is behind us now.

[alkush]

It is absolutely heartbreaking the way you talk about your wife, Alkush, your lack of respect for her is disgusting, you talk about her as though she's a faithful, cheerful, enthusiastic pet, loyal and happy, wagging her tail at you gratefully and contentedly while you pat her head. Why on earth did you marry her if you find her so intellectually beneath you? I hope that whatever happens your wife is happy and has a nice life ..... dear knows she deserves it, she has spent her whole life making sure you and your children have a nice life and are happy, she deserves better than having a husband who thinks she is "slow" and intellectually inferior.

 

It is very concerning that you are telling lies to the people here who are trying to help you and others. Quite frankly if you are not even capable of being honest on an anonymous forum then there's no hope for you!

 

You're not the smart guy you think you are .... only a dumb guy would post that he got divorced 2 years ago, then post that he has been married for donkeys years, that his sex wife with his wife is great then that he no longer has sex with his wife, blah, blah, blah and think that nobody would notice.

 

Your ridiculous:

My wife is dumber than me. Dumber than most. She will tell you that. It is a fact. What is wrong with facts. BUT in my eyes she is a better person than most. She has tremendous common sense. Who cares about how smart she is. It didn't make me too happy.

 

I cant change the past of why I married her. I did what I did. People do it all the time. its foolish to pick on me on this topic.

 

I already explained the divorce comment. so I am done with it.

I said the sex was great. It was great all those years. Whats the deal? It only ended 6 months ago. Did I have to specify that. I was talking about the disposition of my marriage BEFORE all this happened. That is what was relevant to setting up the situation. Why is that hard to understand?

Your simply wrong.

[alkush]

Well, if this story is really true (and according to many posts here, it may not be), I honestly don't know that it would be necessary to tell his wife about his affair if he leaves.

 

Hey, I'm all for honesty, don't get me wrong. But I just don't see the point in shoving the knife into his wife any deeper than it's already going to go if the OP leaves his wife. I mean, she'll already be crushed enough when her world is shattered by her husband's admission that he's leaving. Why does she also have to suffer the extra indignity of knowing she's been lied to and betrayed for years, all the self esteem issues that are bound to arise when an OW is involved (especially a younger one), the awful mind movies that will constantly play in this poor woman's head over and over, and all the other hideous things that a confession like this will no doubt inspire in her?

 

It's almost like kicking her when she's already down.

 

My opinion is based SOLEY on a concern for the BW and her emotional and mental health. Marriages DO break up due to couples falling out of love and becoming complacent and apathetic with each other, and I honestly think she'd be able to reconcile with that reason (in the long term) a little better than finding out her husband traded her in for a younger, 'smarter' model. No good can come from that knowledge at ALL.

 

JMHO.

 

Miss Priss,

Thanks. Thats what I have been thinking. I don't see why I should do that. Yes the wife needs to know why, a reason, closure. But to spill all that out are her expense, I don't get it.

BTW the other woman is only 3 years younger.

Thanks for your comments I appreciate it.

[alkush]

I don't understand why everyone is raining so hard on this guy.

 

Alkush, You only live once. Do what makes you happy! Your wife will survive a divorce.

 

thanks. I will always watch over her. I won't let her fall. She is the mother of my kids. I will want Michelle to understand this. I guess I am a jerk in that I think she won't survive. That this will make the best time in her life to be the past. See I guess I think only I could have given her such a life so the future will not be good. I am crazy and think too much of myself and not enough of her. Where does this come from? I bet the odds are that I will be the unhappy one and she will be fine.

But thanks again. Yea, people are tearing me apart. I guess no one likes a cheater. I dont!

[alkush]

I am not going to reiterate what others have said, but I would implore you to think about your kids. You think they will never know about Michelle, but you might be surprised at how much they can find out later. Just who do you think they will feel aligned with? You? Most likely not. My son, almost 23, hardly sees or talks to his dad and has little respect for him. That makes me sad, but he has his own feelings about it and he hated to see me hurt. Just so you will know, I am not vulnerable or slow and I do have a job and I have worked all of my life and I am helping with college expenses (just me) and so his feelings are related to his moral code and how much he loves his mother. I can't begin to think what he might feel if I was vulnerable, like your wife. He had to struggle with his own feelings to have any kind of relationship (I encouraged him to), but I don't believe he would have if I were vulnerable as your wife is.

 

The other point I wanted to make was that my XH is very unhappy and texts me or calls me every few days to ask me to take him back. He never ended up with his AP - she is still with her husband and the wonderful life he thought he was having with his new gf went bad pretty quickly. I look good to him now. I am no different - he just realized what he lost. Just yesterday he told me (after I told him about the older dog being sick) that he wanted to see us all, he missed us and that he ended up screwing up the things he ended up caring about the most in his life. It is sad.

 

You need to be really sure about what you are doing. Your life (in my opinion) with Michelle seems like a nightmare waiting to happen - a woman willing to cheat with a man who has a "slow" wife, a learning disabled child to care for, the guilt you will feel, the isolation from your kids, the lessening of sex as you go along all sound like a recipe for a pretty shi**y life to me. Have at it if that is what you want. For what it's worth, I think a lot of men would be happy with a happy wife who has sex a lot and enjoys it.

 

Thanks, a good reality check. So if that is not the path to happiness for me what should I be doing?

[alkush]

Yet YOU went on - stayed - and had 2 kids with her, why? If it was that way - why?

 

I explained why. Duty, honor, right thing to do, time, life pressures, busy. you just go along.

[Realist3]

For being such a smart muther****er, I'm not sure why you don't know the difference between your and you're.

[alkush]

I work with a mentally deficient guy - he can't tell time - and he can't spell - yet he's a high school graduate. Unbelievable! Anyone can tell upon interacting that he doesn't function at a high level mentally.

 

You had to have noticed BEFORE you CHOSE to marry her - that your wife was challenged! It's your fault - because you must have known and chose her anyway!

 

Now you want a free pass after TRICKING her for 22 years - and you wonder WHY people are opposed to YOUR NEW CHOICES?

 

No can do - you're justifying and rewriting your M history to suit YOUR NEEDS!

 

She isnt that bad. You wouldnt know from talking to her her. You would think she was just a pleasant nice person. Over time you see it and understand. And as her husband I learned she cant read well maybe every tenth word she doesn't know. She reads all those romance novels. Takes months to get through one. She likes it, so what.

Im not rewriting anything. I painstakingly tried to spell it out. So you didn't tell me what you think I should do. I guess you just want me to suck it up. Ok, maybe I will.