Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[Speakingofwhich]

Alkush, when you divorce your wife she will be in pain short term but I would be very surprised if she doesn't end up with a really great guy and live a very happy life forever after.

 

I've just lived long enough to see that often happens in this type situation.

[Lillyfree]

i've only read the first and last few posts in this thread, so apologies if i'm repeating something someone already said.

 

OP, i will advocate honesty in any situation.

 

your excuse for not being honest with your wife is that she's 'slow' and incapable.

she's a great mother though, great wife, she must be doing something right? she's obviously capable enough to do that much.

 

don't insult her any longer. that's my advice.

[alkush]

i've only read the first and last few posts in this thread, so apologies if i'm repeating something someone already said.

 

OP, i will advocate honesty in any situation.

 

your excuse for not being honest with your wife is that she's 'slow' and incapable.

she's a great mother though, great wife, she must be doing something right? she's obviously capable enough to do that much.

 

don't insult her any longer. that's my advice.

 

Thanks but that is not my excuse. I did not say that.

I will not insult her no longer. I will not continue this one way or another, thanks.

[alkush]

Alkush, when you divorce your wife she will be in pain short term but I would be very surprised if she doesn't end up with a really great guy and live a very happy life forever after.

 

I've just lived long enough to see that often happens in this type situation.

 

That would be great!. I guess I just assume the worst.

[alkush]

Alkush,

 

I am in a similar situation to you from the female end. SAHM who married young to someone I had more friendship feelings for. I am currently in an affair and have wondered about leaving H because "I'm not in love". Its difficult because H and I are good together we have a good life. He has been with me the majority of my life and we have kids together. My suggestion - a negotiated separation. Don't be so quick to discount the relationship with your wife and toss everything away. The D card is bandied about here as though it is a very simple thing. You will rip you family apart and recall your children. You will not have the same relationship with them you do now when you become a part time parent. Yes kids adjust as do adults but the process is heart wrenching.

 

Ask your counselor about it or seek a marital counselor for help. Live separately from your wife for a period of 6 months. It should help clarify your views and allow you to see your wife and family in a new light. Perhaps the feelings are still there. The terms of the separation are set up with you and your wife agreeing on finances, relationships with each other and others, and co-parenting. Maybe the wife will reveal she is not as happy as she pretends to be.

 

Thank you much.

[HopingAgain]

You've said you've brought up divorce to your wife already, so she knows SOMETHING is wrong. What did she say when you talked about it?

[alkush]

Still wondering why he told us he'd already been divorced for 2 years in his other thread.

Until I get a logical, sensible answer all this is just schytt-stirring....

 

Another point here folks. Im not trying to hide anything. If you read in the body of this originalpost I mention the other post. I'm either real stupid or I'm not trying to hide anything. Take your pick. I just wanted to limit the possibility for distracting tangents from the real point.

[alkush]

You've said you've brought up divorce to your wife already, so she knows SOMETHING is wrong. What did she say when you talked about it?

 

She said I never thought this would happen to me.

[HopingAgain]

She said I never thought this would happen to me.

 

Most BS's feel that way. She's probably racking her brain wondering how to fix things and meanwhile you're already prepping to move on with another woman. How quickly are you anticipating making a decision? Your wife doesn't deserve to be left in torture wondering if she can fix her marriage.

[SidLyon]

WOW you can tell that much about me already! You shouldn't be giving this information out for free.

 

1) TRUE

2) I willnever feel entitled or justified. I was just laying the history out. I feel great guilt. Unbearable at times.

3)Not simple actually, just on track. No insult meant. If I didn't respect the opinions I would not have posted a thread.

4)BS. If you don't have all the RELEVANT facts then you can't help me with an informed decision. RELEVANT.

5)I am more accomplished then most, it is true. I cant help the truth. My father taught me to bust my hump. I have because I am willing to do what others won't. But I am not arrogant ever. I am not dishonest. People do not know what I have or what I have done. I am not boastful. I do not show off.

6) Who said I was still having sex with my wife? WHO? I am not.

7)No. When I learned of the other womans son and ex trouble I was not happy. Everything got more complex real fast. My children are grown. I don't mind a 9 year old. But with issues. I don't know.

8)Could be. I'll give you that one.

9)The young boy you refer to was a 20 year old when she was 29. Thats the latest and greatest. If you read the posts most people think that 20 is ok. I'm the one that had a problem with it. But I'm ok now. Thanks to the forum .

 

Hmm well you asked for insight and I gave you mine.

 

If I got the facts wrong it's because you yourself skewed them. For example in your first post in this thread you said: "Sex by and in comparison to most would be considered great." As this was in reference to your sex life with your wife, I can safely say that you were the WHO that said it! So if this was true, then by my definition you are being physically abusive to her by having sex without her informed consent.

 

You seemed to suggest that the boy may have been as young as 17. Again this was your suggestion not mine.

 

As you have woven a web of lies in your threads I suppose it's easy for you to criticise other posters who take what you say at face value. As you seem unable to recognise your own dishonesty it appear to be a very ingrained habit.

 

As I already said you asked for insight, I gave you mine based on the fluctuating and ephemeral information you provided, that changes as it suits you. I guessed you might respond as you have, criticising me for getting the info wrong but I didn't much care because it's because you didn't provide correct info.

 

If you don't want insight then don't ask for it, and certainly don't reprimand people for giving it to you. If you can't provide correct information (and that would actually be reasonable in some situations) then don't criticise people for getting the details wrong.

 

I do agree that you are in desperate need of some insight and hope your efforts to gain some insight into yourself pay off.

 

By the way I'm also very smart , as are many people here on LS. I'm qualified as both a lawyer and accountant (CPA). Although I'm probably in a different country to you I don't think $1,000 per month is enough for your wife.

[2sunny]

What do you want help with OP?

[Artie Lang]

well, you do sound like a pretty f*cked up individual. i mean, you seem a bit narcissistic and self-entitled, but most cheaters do, anyway.

 

that being said, if you don't love your wife then i think you should divorce her. i do agree with the others that she deserves the truth. it seems to me that your poor impression of her "mental capacities" has left you believing she deserves less than a person who's "brighter" on the scale..... at least that's how it comes off to me. that's just cruel.

[BeholdtheMan]

I believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey. I believe that a marriage is something created that is more important than the 2 people who created it.

You certainly talk the talk but recently you haven't been walking the walk have you?

 

I suggest you search your soul for a sense of honour. It sounds like your affair partner is currently in need of an emotional tampon and that you've grown tired of your "special ed" wife who has nonetheless devoted her entire life to you and your kids.

 

Pursuit of happiness is important in life but it should be tempered by a sense of honour and your respect for others.

 

I don't know if throwing away your marriage and abandoning the person who possibly loves you most in this world is a good idea, especially when your affair partner is possibly just using you as a rebound/emotional crutch.

[2sunny]

First of all. She will get the house or if she wants a paid for townhouse.

Second I don't believe you pay taxes on that money.

Child support is till 18. I got 14 months to go. If the kid still lives there I will contribute.

Spoiled and selfless and heartless. Sure, that's me. You don't even know me. I spent 15 plus years keeping my mouth shut and being what society and I myself say I am supposed to be. Then the future GF showed up at work and I kept my mouth closed for 1-1/2 years. And then yes, I was weak. So what do you suggest I do then. HUH?

 

I never described you as "selfless". You are far from that in your actions.

 

And everyone I know pays taxes on the spousal support - and the spouse paying gets the amount as a tax write off. Didn't your attorney tell you?

 

And since you make more than 109K - you should be willing to give her at least 50% of your income - as you stated you wanted her comfortable and she's never earned money.

 

Likely she will get half of the assets and half of your retirement.

 

You describe her like she's mentally deficient - like you just recently decided to notice - and resent it as if its a new revelation.

 

It paints you in a dark light. Couple that with the cheating and it looks like a mid life crisis and rewriting what's real - but you're in "that fog".

 

I feel for the victim - you're wife.

 

I don't believe you told her - you're info is short changing us - except in the criticism regarding your wife.

[BeholdtheMan]

I spelled it out as honestly as I could and you respond that way. Jerk!

We're here to give honest opinions, not to make you feel better about the very, very bad decisions you've made.

 

If you never really loved this woman and considered her your intellectual inferior, why did you string her along for 22 years? You provided her materially...but she also took care of you and your kids. Furthermore, she gave you her genuine love while you acted as if you love her. Why on Earth would you keep up this masquerade for 22 years?

 

You said something earlier. You said you are responsible for this mess of your own making. If that's the case, you should man up and bear the cost...instead of running off with your affair partner and shifting the cost to your unwitting wife. Child and spousal support will not make up for the devastation you're about to unleash.

 

Everyone deserves a chance at true love and happiness, but I don't think you have the right to go about it in the way you're doing it now under your circumstances.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you ever feel this level of judgement, dissatisfaction or criticism for any menfolk in your life?

 

Still awaiting a response to this question...

 

Individual Counselling.

 

You really are a problem guy, aren't you?

 

Not a guy with problems, a problem guy.

 

Tara,

I still don't understand that.

 

You are deflecting your issues onto the two women in your life.

Your wife is wonderful. Possibly every man's dream as a wife and mother.

Yet you feel you cannot find fulfilment with her.

That's a flaw in you, not her....

 

Michelle used to have a husband who was a good few years younger than she was. You questioned her sexual proclivities and wondered if she was bordering on paedophile. (bit strong, but you get my point).

She was fine with it. He was fine with it.

(Even though she divorced him because he had serious personality dysfunctions, and you admitted this.)

 

The one who had any misgivings in accepting that, was you.

 

You're a 'problem' guy.

Your evaluation of others puts them on a pedestal, then expects them to remain there.... yet you still find flaws.

 

Yup. You have a distinct perfectionist attitude which has landed you in a world of crap....

[Graceprettysmith]

On October 20th I will have been married 22 years, will be 51 years old. I have 2 fantastic kids, 17 and 20. They have never been in trouble, I like their friends, etc. I have always tried and would like to think almost always succeeded at being a great husband and dad. I say that not boastful, because I believe the key element that many do not do is to simply try. I try.

 

I have always been responsible financially. In my adult life I have never had financial problems. So almost without exception those issues have never burdened or strained our marriage. We live in a nice home in a middle to slightly upper middle class NW suburb of Chicago. I am not rich, we do not live extravagant lives, but my family does not want for anything. I have a low but yes a six figure income and my wife doesn't work except for something to do part time once in a while. Especially since the kids are older.

 

My wife is a great mom. My wife is a great wife. She is untiring in her devotion to take care of the kids and me. Sex by and in comparison to most would be considered great. But my wife is slow. She has learning dissabilities, she went through all grade, middle, and high school in special classes. Basically just a good kid that they did the best they could with and they pushed her along through high school graduation. That's what they did in those days I guess.

 

So here is the problem that I CREATED and what I HAVE DONE AND AM RESPONSIBLE FOR in the last 8 months.

 

I have had a secret for something like 15 or more years of our marriage. I do not love her. I respect her. She is a great mom and wife, and life partner. Why did I marry her? She was safe, wanted the picket fence, etc. It doesn't matter anymore, I married her. So I do not love her. I am of more than average intelligence (in my opinion anyway). So the combination is a problem. I cannot talk to her on an intellectually satisfying level. I feel alone. As the years goby I am more and more alone.

 

Most times I feel nothing when I look at her. Sometimes I feel empathy, feel sorry for her. Sometime I do have a great sense of joy and respect and appreciation though that she has so dutifully raised our kids and taken care of the household and me. She does it unquestionably. I guess because she is slow. In many ways her life, the way she sees it is simple and makes sense. I actually appreciate and respect that because she can actually achieve happiness much easier.

 

Over time, years, I have been getting more and more dead inside, disillusioned. I don't show it and I guess because she is slow, she doesn't see or is not able to perceive the subtle things that would raise a warning flag. So he is happy and content and thinks her marriage is the best and how lucky, etc. etc......

But I have not been happy for years. Life is boring. I just need the emotional and intellectual connect. I have been faithful all this time. But a girl 3 years younger than me, walked into my life a couple years ago at work. I noticed her right away and grew quite fond of her. For over a year I got to know her and realy really liked her. She has a special needs 9 year old and I sensed and learned that she has a rocky marriage. She is a very private person but over time she confided in me.

 

Her husband basically abandoned her and is a self centered verbally abusive controlling jerk. I would say borderline narcissistic. She is now getting a divorce. I hid my feelings for her and always was afraid she would see it in me. One day after knowing her about 15 months, I told her I can tell she needed someone to talk to. Obvious when someone is standing with their arms crossed and holding back tears! I went to her house, met her son, and later that evening she let loose all sorts of things and it was very good for her to bend an ear. I in my weakness told her that I liked her.

 

To make a long story short we actually made out that evening, and all but had sex, her top off and a lot of grinding. She did something curious. She said to me "Are we going to do it?" I said "No, not if your going to ask a question like that. It sound like your unsure" We did not. That evening started a 8 month fast track relationship. We are now in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We feel like we have something between us that most people never get. We feel very lucky. There are many problems. Probably more related to me and my frailties than her. Some that I have posted elsewhere on the forum but for this posting I want to get opinions on the following:

 

I don't believe I have a good reason to get divorced.

I believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey. I believe that a marriage is something created that is more important than the 2 people who created it. I feel great guilt that I might leave my wife, she will need a job of which she has and probably will only make minimum wage. And she will be unhappy and alone. Yes, I will split all assets with her and do the right thing for her and pay spousal support and take care of my kids. No problem.

 

But I fear she will be unhappy the rest of her life and possibly still not be able to fully have the resources to take care of herself in case of like medical bills or car issues, etc.I fear that I am not justified morally and ethically in wanting a divorce. She lived her life trusting and assuming I would be thre forever. It is not her fault she is ill equipped now after 22 years, to live alone and on her own. And what does it teach and tell the kids? And that I have more than most people would ever want from a spouse and I am throwing it away.

But I don't love her. I am lonely. Yes in 22 years you grow a fondness. But she is more a friend than anything else. I love, lets call her, Michelle.

 

I also fear that I am just dumb. That I will end up just as unhappy but for other reasons. That I will be sitting there a few years from now with my special needs step son and a crazy ex husband, and think about how idilic and stress free my life was and now its crazy. Don't get me wrong I like the kid a lot, growing to love him and would be a great step father. I know If I continue as is and suffer silently I will be less and less happy and disillusioned. I see a chance for happiness but a lot of risk.

 

If I stay with my wife and drop Michelle then I will forever know I had given up a chance with her and wonder what might have been. It may be tormenting.

But the guilt, the guilt is great!!

 

I am looking for insight, similar experiences, anything that can help me. I need to do something.

thanks.

I would just like to say that your story is very heartfelt and deep. At least you are sitting here writing your feelings and guilt on this forum and expressing how truly bad you feel, although your actions may seem so negative and selfish to others.. First off, any other typical man would carry on with their affair without an utter feeling of guilt or care..you at least have sympathy, care and worry, granted you did cheat, BUT we are all human!! I am 25 and in a very difficult 6 year engagement and I even have feelings of temptation as well. My situation is horrible because I am attracted to married man at work and I know he is attracted as well.. Nothing has ever happened but I can't say it won't..Life is crazy, and yes we make selfish mistakes, but sometimes making selfish mistakes could have been a result from making a previous selfless one. I know that may not make sense, but just remember life is TOO short to ponder and be unhappy.

I am not even married yet but I feel like my relationship has gone to relation-****.

 

It is a sad situation, but so is living YOUR life unhappy and wondering "what if." Sometimes I wish I can take my own advice. They say always hold on to your 2nd love, because if you fell in love again, you never truly loved your first.

[TaraMaiden]

His story is based on a bunch of lies. To his wife, and to us.

Don't feel too sorry for him.

he is the sole author and orchestrator of his own issues.

 

he states he is trying to find a way out and admits all 'faults' and accusations.

But I get the impression he still puts his own feelings and sentiments, wants and ambitions, first and foremost.

 

That's the perfectionist in him.

it all has to fit in neatly with what he ultimately envisions.

[AbeNormal]

I’m sorry. I didn’t make it through to read every response to your question/thread.

 

I just think that your statement that “my wife is slow” is outrageous. Perhaps you are slow.

 

I know a number of people who could get you in a room and embarrass the hell out of you – with your lack of knowledge about things (e.g. about technical/scientific things, or sociological things, or even global political things). They wouldn’t do it (but they could).

 

That technical knowledge/ability does not a good person make. It is in no way connected to being a good person.

 

I can't shake the feeling that you are engaging in self important (and selfish) nonsense.

 

You seem slow emotionally.

 

A loving and devoted woman - that you asked to marry you...

 

My god.

Edited August 9, 2013 by AbeNormal

[2sunny]

I don't believe I have a good reason to get divorced.

I believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey. I believe that a marriage is something created that is more important than the 2 people who created it. I feel great guilt that I might leave my wife, she will need a job of which she has and probably will only make minimum wage. And she will be unhappy and alone. Yes, I will split all assets with her and do the right thing for her and pay spousal support and take care of my kids. No problem.

 

No you don't believe in your promise to God. You aren't loving and honoring or obeying your wife. Or your kids. Or the marriage. Your actions contradict your empty words.

 

 

YOU are doing anything you want for YOU.

 

You've lied to your wife. Don't lie to us.

[alkush]

Most BS's feel that way. She's probably racking her brain wondering how to fix things and meanwhile you're already prepping to move on with another woman. How quickly are you anticipating making a decision? Your wife doesn't deserve to be left in torture wondering if she can fix her marriage.

 

Exactly my opinion. Thats why i have to do something. It's not right for her. I'm not leaving her in limbo, no way. I'd say, a month before I moveout, if I move out. I either go forward with Michelle, or I dumpher and patch up with the wife and do the best i can there.

[alkush]

Hmm well you asked for insight and I gave you mine.

 

If I got the facts wrong it's because you yourself skewed them. For example in your first post in this thread you said: "Sex by and in comparison to most would be considered great." As this was in reference to your sex life with your wife, I can safely say that you were the WHO that said it! So if this was true, then by my definition you are being physically abusive to her by having sex without her informed consent.

 

You seemed to suggest that the boy may have been as young as 17. Again this was your suggestion not mine.

 

As you have woven a web of lies in your threads I suppose it's easy for you to criticise other posters who take what you say at face value. As you seem unable to recognise your own dishonesty it appear to be a very ingrained habit.

 

As I already said you asked for insight, I gave you mine based on the fluctuating and ephemeral information you provided, that changes as it suits you. I guessed you might respond as you have, criticising me for getting the info wrong but I didn't much care because it's because you didn't provide correct info.

 

If you don't want insight then don't ask for it, and certainly don't reprimand people for giving it to you. If you can't provide correct information (and that would actually be reasonable in some situations) then don't criticise people for getting the details wrong.

 

I do agree that you are in desperate need of some insight and hope your efforts to gain some insight into yourself pay off.

 

By the way I'm also very smart , as are many people here on LS. I'm qualified as both a lawyer and accountant (CPA). Although I'm probably in a different country to you I don't think $1,000 per month is enough for your wife.

 

You do care or you wouldn't respond. I only told one lie because it was not necessary to the conversation and I didn't want people to get off track. Nothing wrong with that.

I talked about sex up until it stopped recently when I told my wife what I am contemplated.

I have been working my issues, the boy was 20. She met him when she started a particular job and on her resume it has her start date.

I have met a lot of average to below average lawyers and CPA's. Besides even if you are smart what does it have to do with your ability to navigate these types of emotional issues.

[alkush]

Am I the only one who is reminded of that poster who is writing a book?

 

aka brokenheart2be, and something else I cant remember... the threads were deleted, before you look for them.

 

The only difference seems to be that we aren't on runaway trains and sinking ships this time around.

 

He used to start outrageous inflammatory threads in the OW/OM section. Lots of reaction, (100s) until people started to realise that it was all too fantastical to be real.

 

Anyone else wondering this?

 

What the heck. Im just a lost guy in Chicago trying to get back on track. Whatever.

[SidLyon]

You do care or you wouldn't respond. I only told one lie because it was not necessary to the conversation and I didn't want people to get off track. Nothing wrong with that.

I talked about sex up until it stopped recently when I told my wife what I am contemplated.

I have been working my issues, the boy was 20. She met him when she started a particular job and on her resume it has her start date.

I have met a lot of average to below average lawyers and CPA's. Besides even if you are smart what does it have to do with your ability to navigate these types of emotional issues.

 

Whatever.. you are the one asking for insight on this thread. Take it or leave it... Either way I'm finished on this thread.

[Mint Sauce]

alkush,

 

first off: I'll go with the premise that you're of above average intelligence, and that your wife is slow. I don't see why that couldn't be true.

 

Second, I too have felt lonely in my marriage with a woman who was not my intellectual equal. I cheated on her, after years of being faithful and taking care of her (she has a chronic illness). We divorced. She's happy with a new man in spite of her condition.

 

The crux though is that the loneliness wasn't caused by an intellectual disconnect between me and my wife. The loneliness is deeply ingrained in me, and though it can be masked by the thrill of a new love and a new/different type of connection, that is not a burden to be put on a (single) partner.

 

I discovered how important it is for me to maintain a good social network, with intellectual peers (mostly men though), and similarly to maintain the relationships with my family (parents, siblings), in order to not feel lonely.

 

You're right that your affair probably confronted you with how lonely you've been feeling, but a new wife is imo not the solution.

 

My advice: break-up with Michelle, confess to your wife, and show her your full vulnerability. She probably won't meet you on an intellectual level, but she may help you with old-school knowledge that is still very applicable, even to a bright mind. Such as: "go have a beer with your (male) friends".