Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You're skewing the facts still to relieve guilt. Is it fair to give her a better life than you assume she would have ever had, for her to be extrememly happy with you, then rip it away? You should leave. No one deserves to be miserable and no one should have to live a lie. She deserves the truth and to hopefully find someone who will commit to her for life, and you deserve to hopefully find happiness and self forgiveness for this yourself. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want to do, and with your wife about the affair. Hopefully with time and forgiveness the both of you will again find happiness in this world. I now understand what you are saying. I thank you very much.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You need to end things with your wife. Do it properly, tell her the reasons why, split everything 50:50, leave being honest about why you are doing it. It really sucks for her, but at least you can see that. Just be respectful in the way you do it. Staying married 'just because' is not the right way to do things. Especially in the long run if one of your kids works out what is going on. Any maybe this Michelle person will get fed up too. I do see that and I would be oh so respectful. thankyou
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) What the hell is it about the girlfriend, then? Your wife isn't perfect, your GF isn't perfect. hell's bells, I think the 'imperfect' one isn't them, it's you.... You actually hit the nail on the head. Its me I don't trust. I'm afraid I will mess up my wife's life only to have nothing better in the long run and that I am not thinking straight. And yes, I think I am the least perfect one! Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I agree with Taramaiden. Some people are just not satisfied, no matter what they have or what they do, or who they have in their lives. I guarantee if you "choose" Michelle, you are gonna be moaning just like you said about the responsibilities of dealing with a special needs child and a crazy ex husband. You are already complaining about the possibility and you haven't even taken the leap yet! But at least your "slow" wife would be free of a man who has no respect for her and what amounts to a slowly rising contempt for her and her feelings. Here's and idea. Why not try being single for awhile and figure out what makes you tick and see if you can't make YOURSELF happy for awhile without depending on others for external happiness? I think this is good advice. I never understood what it means to not get happiness from others. Isnt that part of relationships? As a side note, I have a lot of respect for my wife. It doesn't matter what I am doing. The 20 years not doing shows my respect. It is me I am loosing respect for.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Why did you state you were already divorced, in your other thread? You do realise that this is why some folks think you're a liar and that you're tro.lling? 1
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You are incredibly full of yourself, honesty or not, you sound egotistical...if you were truly all that and capable of thinking on that higher intellectual level you pride yourself on than you would realize you should have left your wife honestly, cleanly and with your dignity intact rather than stooping to an affair. I know you will get angry I said that, but it's true...cheating makes you a cheater and a liar no matter how you spin it. Time to man up, tell your wife, get a divorce and sleep in the bed you made. Even though you picked on my grammar and you think I will get mad I still read the posts. I am not mad. I agree with this posting. Matter of fact I have been having the "time to man up" talk in my head for a couple weeks now. And you are right and no matter how you slice it. I am a cheater and a liar now. I admit it. I could say well if you were in my shoes...... But I KNOW that many who would be in my shoes would not have fallen to this temptation. Actually it may not have even been a temptation to some. I KNOW HOW BAD WHAT I HAVE DONE IS. 1
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) Let me give you something for thought. Prior to this affiar - for those 15 years - did you care for your wife? Hold her hand, take care of her when she was sick, go or do things with her that maybe you did not enjoy - but you did it for her? ......did you smile, compliment her, be kind, try to make sure the sex was good for her as well? Remember her birthdays or anniversaries with nice gifts? laugh with your kids, thank her for all she does....sacrifice for her...etc.etc.... then I think you were loving her. Yes I did. Maybe not the best all the time, but yes I did. thank you. Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Originally Posted by alkush I also fear that I am just dumb. That I will end up just as unhappy but for other reasons. That I will be sitting there a few years from now with my special needs step son and a crazy ex husband, and think about how idilic and stress free my life was and now its crazy. Don't get me wrong I like the kid a lot, growing to love him and would be a great step father. I know If I continue as is and suffer silently I will be less and less happy and disillusioned. I see a chance for happiness but a lot of risk. Have you discussed this on an intellectual level with your AP? If not, you are once again being deceitful to yourself and the one you claim to love. You really need to either get a grip on yourself or man up. Re-read what you have written in your moments of honesty and see how you come off. At that time you can decide if you a change or if you need to change, there is a difference. Ok the smart guy does not know what AP is. I assume it means Michelle. If so then yes I have brought it up. I am all too honest with her actually.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Not trying to sound demeaning, but you might want to read up on KISA syndrome. What would the slow girl or the woman with a disabled child & terrorized by her crazy ex do without you to save them? Perhaps you should identify your own inadequacies & work on those before you make any decisions. I checked this out and that is me. Maybe not as much as it used to be that's for sure. On the flip side though I was disappointed to hear of the extra issues of her son and husband. Willing to deal with it and help as long as her head is in the right place. And it is.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I call foul on this thread too. In your other thread (in dating). You posted this: "We have been going out 8 months. I think your pretty spot on. It is painful for me but your advice is good. Thank you. I have not always been like this but a little background. I think this stems from me being divorced 2 years ago after a 20 year marriage. I am so afraid of everyone now. My ex was comfortable, I knew exactly what to expect, very predictable, never any surprises. I just was never in love so I had to face that reality. So now, everyone is new and seen as risky. I cannot find a comfort level. They all have baggage but i guess so do I. I shouldn't expect otherwise I guess. It is scary. The more I care for someone such as this woman that I love, the more I want the unknown or things I perceive as risk to go away or be explained away. I think it is not healthy but sort of understandable from my current position in life." So, which is it OP? Are you a cheating MM or are you divorced? Someone is certainly "slow" but it's not your wife (or is it your ex wife?) I'm not divorced, I am cheating. Look you can see it how you want. My original posts are long enough so I have to make it simpler to understand. Too many threads get off track with too much info or secondary information. I'm not afraid to say im cheating, I said it here. I seek true insight from you folks and have been getting it. Painful as it is.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 First let me say - I see a LOT of your ego showing in your initial post. Then rewriting you marital history. Since the bottom line will be that you aren't happy with yourself - what do YOU plan to change about the core being of YOURSELF that might make things better when you're with your OW? And yes, I think no matter what - you should divorce your wife! Especially since you don't type as if you have loved or respected her ---> pity and criticism is NOT love. When you divorce her - and SINCE she's never worked and is mentally deficient - you should offer her 80% of your assets. You can earn more but apparently she can't. man you guys are tough. I agree again. I have learned so much about me in the last 8 months and the vast majority of it has not been good. OK! I have broken all my own big rules. I talk big about doing the right thing but when it came to me, I did it too. But I feel terrible about it. But so what, I am doing it. Apparently not enough to stop. I don't know what else to say. I do not criticize my wife. But yes pity is not love. My wife will get $300K and $3000 a month and health insurance. So back off.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you move in with Michelle after you leave your wife. Please get your own place, and commit to at least a year lease and a year of IC once a week.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Still wondering why he told us he'd already been divorced for 2 years in his other thread. Until I get a logical, sensible answer all this is just schytt-stirring.... 1
2sunny Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 man you guys are tough. I agree again. I have learned so much about me in the last 8 months and the vast majority of it has not been good. OK! I have broken all my own big rules. I talk big about doing the right thing but when it came to me, I did it too. But I feel terrible about it. But so what, I am doing it. Apparently not enough to stop. I don't know what else to say. I do not criticize my wife. But yes pity is not love. My wife will get $300K and $3000 a month and health insurance. So back off. Back off? Wtheck? Are you ALREADY divorced or not? 1
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You still haven't answered my question. TaraMaiden please, I am not divorced. I did not want people to focus on that and not on what I was looking for in the other thread. Thats all. I was trying to be careful so that I can get useful advice. In that thread whether divorced or not does not matter but people would be all over it and the focus would have not been right. That's all there is to it. I apologize to everyone. Look folks, I have a lot of weaknesses and frailties I know that. A lot of you have pointed them out. But at least I know it, most people don't. Maybe since I am aware I have a slight chance of getting better and working on them. AS far as the home front I tried for a long time, ok. A long time. I'm just looking for opinions. It is as simple as that. I figure if I get enough of them there will be a common thread coming through. Guess I am just a jerk. I could have been married 100 years and then did this and I would be a jerk. Maybe life is tough. You make decisions some of which are life decisions. Maybe I just forget about Michelle and do the best I can at home. Wife will be happy and I just,, I don't know,, live with my lifelong commitment for life. So now go ahead and rip me again. I guess no one likes a cheater.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 (According to his post, above, he isn't. He's cheating, but it seems he was too ashamed to admit it.) He simply admitted he's a judgemental chauvinist who has a deep-seated problem with requiring perfection in others. 1
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you move in with Michelle after you leave your wife. Please get your own place, and commit to at least a year lease and a year of IC once a week. What is IC? I would not move in with Michelle. She doesn't want that unless she is married because of her son and it being a terrible example. I agree. I see the benefit of me being alone a while.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Individual Counselling. You really are a problem guy, aren't you? Not a guy with problems, a problem guy.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Money is not a big deal, really it is not...you owe her your honesty and a shot at happiness for herself...now..not later, now.... I understand this but we are 50. Her chances statistically are low. I should have done this 10 years ago. But the kids were too young. So frustrating.
HopingAgain Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Alkush, have you gone into individual counseling yet? I know you say you care about and respect your wife, but it seems at the very least you have deep resentment towards her. I am wondering if "Michelle" just looks so appealing to you now because she is NOT your wife. Not on the merits of her own person.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Have you told your wife of your affair? No. Here is what I will not do: 1) I will never tell my wife of this affair. 2) Believe me, out of respect for her and my sanity I will not continue this much longer. Either we separate and get divorced, or I stop with Michelle. But I will not continue this whole bad thing.
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 (According to his post, above, he isn't. He's cheating, but it seems he was too ashamed to admit it.) He simply admitted he's a judgemental chauvinist who has a deep-seated problem with requiring perfection in others. Tara, Tara, you have helped more then the rest. Your right, oh so painful. But I take exception to the chauvinist part. Where does that come from? But my saving grace is that I expect the same perfection in me. So I am never satisfied with anyone including myself. Im messed up. Ironically the one person I let slide is my wife. Because she does 150% but I understand why its not perfection. Maybe that's love! Ha!
Author alkush Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I was merely questioning why on the dating forum you stated you were divorced for 2 years, and here on infidelity you're looking for sympathy because of your loveless marriage with the "slow" woman. Do you get that? You're not special, your story isn't unique.your just another user, liar and cheater. I hope you and Michelle are very happy, and I truly hope your slow wife takes you to the cleaners. Your an ass but there is some good stuff in there. I have thought that maybe this is not a special circumstance and that I am simply one of millions of other loser husbands. I just am smart enough to try to rationalize it away.
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