Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[Steen719]

Alkush:

 

So I will tell you a secret. You and I are about the same age. Guess what else? I have cancer. So I know what a mind fux that "is this all there is" or whatever version if that is playing in your head. I know it.

 

Do you know they have therapists who SPECIALIZE IN IT? Yep, common..common...textbook. If your therapist was worth the paper her certificate was written on she would have recommended someone with that speciality.

 

So back to the happiness. I will tell you another secret. You suck as a husband. No really you do. You are selfish and thoughtless and you think the fact that you make the money means you don't have to try. I don't say this just to provoke you...I say it because I want you to see that you get out of your relationship with your wife exactly what you put in. Exactly the same.

 

That my friend is the LAW OF ATTRACTION.

 

You likely suck as a father, at least recently, where you have been mentally, if not physically absent.

 

Lets talk some truth about Michelle too. I am sure she's a perfectly nice woman who has the same inability to self soothe and self satisfy that you do. You are doing her no favors either but since she is willingly participating in your deception I do think she has to bear the consequence of her own actions.

 

You feel "attraction" to her, you allowed yourself to be obsessed and give in rather than avoid like married folks are supposed to. This "in love" feeling is chemical and goes away. Fact, look it up. What you will be left with is Michelle's version of life (her kid, her x husband, her house, her flaws) same boredom, same but different unhappiness. But poorer, cause you have to support your STBXW. So that's why people say they regret it. They wake up and realized for all the drama and unicorns and rainbows, 6 months later its exactly the same as what they left. Exactly, only they are worse off.

 

Why? Cause the marriage isn't really the issue. It's just plain you.

 

How do you make yourself happy? You go find an interest, volunteer, make friends (not FWB), join a club, adopt a dog. You find a way to build personal happiness.

 

Let me tell you one more secret...hope you get this. I don't know you, but since you have been following the script so far, I will go for broke....

 

You are re-writing your marital history to justify having an affair. Your own words (I paraphrase) say you had a very good sex life, before you stopped having sex with your wife cause you are getting those needs met by Michelle; your home life is content; you don't fight or argue. Your big complaint was your wife's mental capacity in comparison to yours...you could not "talk" you feel she is not your intellectual equal. Ok don't take this the wrong way but....don't you have friends? (Not Michelle) don't you think you have some responsibility to get yourself intellectually stimulated? Do you not realize that in some way this is just the way it is? (Ask any woman if their husband understands her)

 

Don't get me wrong...if you gotta leave, then leave. Your family will suffer pain but they will get over it.

 

See the thing is...you won't.

 

Sorry, It-is, and I sincerely hope you have a good prognosis.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks..I am good, treatment is a beotch, but I will be fine. Thanks for the good thoughts.

[alkush]

Alkush:

 

How do you make yourself happy? You go find an interest, volunteer, make friends (not FWB), join a club, adopt a dog. You find a way to build personal happiness.

 

Interesting you said this. Up until the last year I have been busy. I take on huge multi year projects, like boats, cars, airplanes, building, restoring. I like it. In between I have remodeled most of 2 homes we live in, and built a room addition. Ive been busy almost all of my married life. But the last year plus, not really. I think I need to find a project and find people with similar interests. Actually I would like to start a business of some kind on the side and turn it into a FT endeavor. Thats my dream. You know lately I look at people, just people and what they are doing. In WalMart, Home Depot, etc. I say to myself, see they are doing normal things, they are busy doing positive things. I am doing things that kill me in body and definitely soul. I am bad. I am bad. It will turn me into a hollow shell of a man soon.

Anyway, I got to get out of it one way or another. Conversely I have been thinking that if I leave my wife that maybe I just give her everything, 100%. I just walk. It would give me brownie points with the kids. Although they would think It was evidence that I feel guilty. They would be right. See I listen to you guys, I went from 50/50 to something much more, to maybe 80-100%. Wonder what Michelle would think of that. Interesting question to pose to her.

Thanks again.

[2sunny]

Consider how you will respect Michelle in 5 years - knowing full well her value system allows her to date and bed a married man. To help ruin and break apart a family.

 

Seriously, in the end, how would you respect her?

 

You want intellectual stimulation? Take a few classes at your university or on line.

 

Take time to help your wife grow her intellectual capacity! Challenge her - include her - join clubs together - if not for brain power, then go walking or hiking with her. Find out what interests your wife wants to explore with you.

 

Ask her to join you in interests and hobbies.

 

Start doing random acts of kindness, anonymously. Do for others with less than what you have! Have your wife help you pick out who gets the kindness from you two. Make it a positive game you to do together.

 

Start exploring with your wife what you CAN do together. The more you include her instead of squeezing her out of your life - the more you will feel connected to her again.

 

YOU'VE squeezed her out...that's on YOU - you can change that. And I agree - you get out of the M what you put into it. I think your wife puts 200% into the relationship - and you put maybe 50% (your money doesn't count as love).

 

So - if the M is falling apart - it's only on you.

 

You can change it - by stopping the distraction of your OW - by spring that ime and energy on your wife.

 

When was the last time you made her dinner, bought her flowers, left her a love note?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I just called my son. He goes to Iowa State in Ames. I told him I love you son. He said as he always does, I love you too. He is 20 and we can do this because we always did. I never did it with my dad. I don't care if I never feel love or happiness again if it means my son, MY SON, would be reluctant or not want to say those words to me. It would undo me. There is a bible verse that says, What does it profit a man to gain the world but to loose his only son. Why am I even slightly risking that? Yes that goes for my daughter too. Actually my son takes after my wife, daughter after me.

 

Actually, the quote you are seeking is from the Gospel of Mark, chapter 8 and goes like this:

 

34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

 

35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.

 

36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

 

It is not his son the man loses, but his soul. The example that Jesus describes here is a man that to save his soul he must deny his own selfish desires. If the man follows his own selfish desires he thinks that he has everything, that he can eat his cake and have it too. Unfortunately these all come to nothing in the long run and you lose those things that are really important in life. You have to decide which man you are in life, the man who denies his selfish desires or feeds them.

[Zenstudent]

It is not his son the man loses, but his soul. The example that Jesus describes here is a man that to save his soul he must deny his own selfish desires. If the man follows his own selfish desires he thinks that he has everything, that he can eat his cake and have it too. Unfortunately these all come to nothing in the long run and you lose those things that are really important in life. You have to decide which man you are in life, the man who denies his selfish desires or feeds them.

I agree with you, but would like to ad, that there's nothing wrong with following your own desires - as long as they don't have a strong negative impact on other people.

[alkush]

Consider how you will respect Michelle in 5 years - knowing full well her value system allows her to date and bed a married man. To help ruin and break apart a family.

 

Seriously, in the end, how would you respect her?

 

You want intellectual stimulation? Take a few classes at your university or on line.

 

Take time to help your wife grow her intellectual capacity! Challenge her - include her - join clubs together - if not for brain power, then go walking or hiking with her. Find out what interests your wife wants to explore with you.

 

Ask her to join you in interests and hobbies.

 

Start doing random acts of kindness, anonymously. Do for others with less than what you have! Have your wife help you pick out who gets the kindness from you two. Make it a positive game you to do together.

 

Start exploring with your wife what you CAN do together. The more you include her instead of squeezing her out of your life - the more you will feel connected to her again.

 

YOU'VE squeezed her out...that's on YOU - you can change that. And I agree - you get out of the M what you put into it. I think your wife puts 200% into the relationship - and you put maybe 50% (your money doesn't count as love).

 

So - if the M is falling apart - it's only on you.

 

You can change it - by stopping the distraction of your OW - by spring that ime and energy on your wife.

 

When was the last time you made her dinner, bought her flowers, left her a love note?

 

This is excellent advice. I like it a lot.

I actually started the random acts of kindness in the last 3-4 months. Spontaneously actually. It started with me helping an inner city mission run by a minister friend I know, Inner city like where I have no business being. I have gone there 3 times and done handyman projects. I even pay for the materials. And I have been tipping at restaurants large. Yesterday my bill was $8, I tipped $5. Last week I gave a guy $20 who walked up to me on the street. Probably a mistake actually but thats what I did. It feels good. I guess that means it's selfish. But it helps me and them so why not. Not sure why but I think it will be a permanent thing and may accelerate. Maybe i'm tired of being bad and I am trying to offset things somehow.

But for the record I have made the family dinner within the last month, bought flowers on Mothers day, no love note though.

[alkush]

Consider how you will respect Michelle in 5 years - knowing full well her value system allows her to date and bed a married man. To help ruin and break apart a family.

 

Seriously, in the end, how would you respect her?

 

You want intellectual stimulation? Take a few classes at your university or on line.

 

Take time to help your wife grow her intellectual capacity! Challenge her - include her - join clubs together - if not for brain power, then go walking or hiking with her. Find out what interests your wife wants to explore with you.

 

Ask her to join you in interests and hobbies.

 

Start doing random acts of kindness, anonymously. Do for others with less than what you have! Have your wife help you pick out who gets the kindness from you two. Make it a positive game you to do together.

 

Start exploring with your wife what you CAN do together. The more you include her instead of squeezing her out of your life - the more you will feel connected to her again.

 

YOU'VE squeezed her out...that's on YOU - you can change that. And I agree - you get out of the M what you put into it. I think your wife puts 200% into the relationship - and you put maybe 50% (your money doesn't count as love).

 

So - if the M is falling apart - it's only on you.

 

You can change it - by stopping the distraction of your OW - by spring that ime and energy on your wife.

 

When was the last time you made her dinner, bought her flowers, left her a love note?

 

Michelle though is a great woman. Why we both have done what we have done is simply out of fear or great emotional upheaval. No excuses but sometimes people do things they never thought they would have done. She had, has great respect for me as a person, father, husband a year before all this. When she found out I was not happy and was interested in her she saw me as a prize. At a time when her life has a most likely very limited or compromised future at least relationship wise. That being her age 47, and having a 9 year old child who has ADD and is slightly autistic. So regardless of the truth about me that is how I guess I market myself. I think it is pretty accurate. Doesn't matter.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Alkush

 

Been thinking about you a bit and have two things to say.

 

First, as an exercise, go back though your threads and when you refer to MIchelle, substitute, Jack Daniels, or cocaine. I think that one of the reasons why people have been pushing you to try to work on your marriage is because your affair seems a bit like an addiction, skewing your view of everything.

 

 

Second I want you to seriously consider breaking up with Michelle, and investing the next six months in figuring out your own personal happiness.

 

Spend the next six months being the kind of man you want to be. Develop and nurture your personal interests, develop and nurture your relationships with your children. Work on investing the kind and type of energy in your wife you now have directed to Michelle. Six months. That puts you in Feb.

 

Clean up your will, your finances, pay off bills and get to that place where in six months the only issue you are dealing with is whether or not you have love for your wife, and. Wether or not that can be enough for you.

 

Eliminate the guilt, the distraction of another woman eliminate all the stuff that keeps you on the fence.

 

If your marriage is not what you want then file for divorce.

 

You will be doing everyone a favor if you stop bringing into your craziness right now.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I agree with you, but would like to ad, that there's nothing wrong with following your own desires - as long as they don't have a strong negative impact on other people.

 

The operative word is selfish, we all have desires, it is when they are selfish that they become destructive.

[rumbleseat]

alkush,

 

it really does sound like you are looking to both of these two women to make you happy.No one can do that if you are not already happy within yourself.

 

Think of it this way. 50 years from now, what would you most like to be remembered for? What will be important?

[alkush]

Alkush

 

Been thinking about you a bit and have two things to say.

 

First, as an exercise, go back though your threads and when you refer to MIchelle, substitute, Jack Daniels, or cocaine. I think that one of the reasons why people have been pushing you to try to work on your marriage is because your affair seems a bit like an addiction, skewing your view of everything.

 

 

Second I want you to seriously consider breaking up with Michelle, and investing the next six months in figuring out your own personal happiness.

 

Spend the next six months being the kind of man you want to be. Develop and nurture your personal interests, develop and nurture your relationships with your children. Work on investing the kind and type of energy in your wife you now have directed to Michelle. Six months. That puts you in Feb.

 

Clean up your will, your finances, pay off bills and get to that place where in six months the only issue you are dealing with is whether or not you have love for your wife, and. Wether or not that can be enough for you.

 

Eliminate the guilt, the distraction of another woman eliminate all the stuff that keeps you on the fence.

 

If your marriage is not what you want then file for divorce.

 

You will be doing everyone a favor if you stop bringing into your craziness right now.

 

This is excellent advice. But the only things i would have to work on is trying to be the man I want to be, nurturing my interests, and investing the same energy on my wife for 6 months. The rest is great. As least from the position I was in pre Michelle. Its great advice and actually maybe I will do this. And I even think Michelle would understand and be there IF and when. It is important to know that Michelle is the person who pushed me to get marriage counseling. Yes, it is true.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

When I say BREAK UP with her. I mean break up. You can't have her as a backup plan or you are not all in.

 

6 months 100% all in...includes mentally and no backup plan.

 

Edited to add...marriage counseling is useless when you have a mistress, you get that right? Lip service.

[2sunny]

Why should you get two great women yet you expect your wife to get half a husband?

[2sunny]

Do you plan to see your OW tonight (I think tonight is your night you get together)?

[crazycanuck1976]

Honestly man, I'm reading what people are writing you and your responses and I'm beginning to realize that you're a complete fool. You are actually SOLICITING advice, and you're getting EXACTLY the advice you should be getting, and yet you're doing nothing. NOTHING!

 

Just talking and making stupid justifications for screwing some woman who isn't your wife.

 

When your life inevitably blows up, so much of what you're talking about here is going to ring in your ears. You should take the bull by the horns, confess to your wife and then do what you need to to repair things....OR you can wait for life to take over, for your wife to find out some other way and let everything hit the fan when you least expect it to.

 

I can promise you: you're headed for hell...it's gonna be bad. Real bad. And Michelle? Guarantee she'll be out banging other guys within a few months. That's what women like her do. Because she has no one in her life (ie: a husband) to blow their stack on her when it comes out that she's been doing a married man - unless the whole story goes public in your community, which is very possible these days...for example, hope there aren't any pictures floating around of what you've been doing...sometimes they have a way of finding their way onto the web after an affair ends. The damage she's doing to herself (actually, the self-medicating she's doing...looking for affirmation from unavailable men) won't ever be fixed unless she's an incredibly strong woman, b/c she doesn't have the external pressure to fix herself - like you do/will.

 

Anyway, I'm going to stop looking at your thread b/c its really beginning to pi$$ me off. You come across as so self-absorbed and selfish its beyond the pale. Remind me of me when I was doing the same thing, unfortunately. Maybe that's why I still feel a tinge of sorrow for you...b/c I know what you're doing and how it's all going to end: BAD.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I see what your saying but I have talked to her in the past about feeling alone. She just shrugs it off. My intent has never been to continue this. I have discussed divorce with her recently. I do not believe anything in the past justifies what I am doing. She deserves to be treated correctly and this current situation must end one way or another because it is terribly wrong. I am getting good at it and that is despicable. Im just torn between staying with her and being pretty unhappy forever, and the massive guilt I feel now and may still feel going forward if I divorce her and have a life with Michelle. I don't know if I am thinking straight.

 

You're not thinking straight.