Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[TaraMaiden]

Do you ever feel this level of judgement, dissatisfaction or criticism for any menfolk in your life?

[CarrieT]

No. Here is what I will not do:

 

1) I will never tell my wife of this affair.

 

2) Believe me, out of respect for her and my sanity I will not continue this much longer. Either we separate and get divorced, or I stop with Michelle. But I will not continue this whole bad thing.

 

If you TRULY respect your wife, doesn't she deserve 100% complete and total honesty from you?

 

Tell her about the affair and why you are leaving her.

 

Everything else is half-assed and a cop-out on your part.

[alkush]

Individual Counselling.

 

You really are a problem guy, aren't you?

 

Not a guy with problems, a problem guy.

 

I have been in individual counseling since I believe January. Michelle said I should do it so I can work through things regardless of the out come. She is a good person. Anyway the counselor says that everyone is responsible for their own actions and happiness and that I have to do what makes me happy. There is something wrong with that isn't there? Don't I have a responsibility to others that is even above my own happiness?

[alkush]

If you TRULY respect your wife, doesn't she deserve 100% complete and total honesty from you?

 

Tell her about the affair and why you are leaving her.

 

Everything else is half-assed and a cop-out on your part.

 

Why? Why make her more sad?

I will tell her that I have not been happy for years. Not in love. It is the truth.

[CarrieT]

Why? Why make her more sad?

I will tell her that I have not been happy for years. Not in love. It is the truth.

Because she will blame herself for not making you happy and that will make her MORE sad, that is why.

 

She will dig, plead, and beg for marriage counseling -- believing it is something SHE DID WRONG. And she will always believe there was something she did to drive you away and it will make her question every potential new relationship she might try to have.

 

That's why.

[alkush]

Because she will blame herself for not making you happy and that will make her MORE sad, that is why.

 

She will dig, plead, and beg for marriage counseling -- believing it is something SHE DID WRONG. And she will always believe there was something she did to drive you away and it will make her question every potential new relationship she might try to have.

 

That's why.

 

Won't she feel that way if she knows I'm having an affair? I want to minimize her feelings of inadequacy or that she did something wrong. She did nothing wrong.

[HopingAgain]

Won't she feel that way if she knows I'm having an affair? I want to minimize her feelings of inadequacy or that she did something wrong. She did nothing wrong.

 

She's been a good wife to you for 20+ years. If you owe her nothing else, you at least owe her the honest reason behind you leaving!

[CarrieT]

Won't she feel that way if she knows I'm having an affair?

Nope.

 

Read through the voluminous infidelity threads that exist on this site about D-Day and people learning about those they have been with during the bulk of their adult lives. 99% of the time, the BS (betrayed spouse) wants to know the truth.

 

I want to minimize her feelings of inadequacy or that she did something wrong. She did nothing wrong.

Then be honest with her that she did nothing wrong and YOU are to blame for the failure of your marriage because you strayed...

 

What does your counselor say about this? Or have you not been completely honesty in therapy about your situation?

[alkush]

She's been a good wife to you for 20+ years. If you owe her nothing else, you at least owe her the honest reason behind you leaving!

 

Im not leaving her for another woman. The other woman simply brought my issue undeniably into my face. A issue that has been growing for 15 years.

[alkush]

Nope.

 

Read through the voluminous infidelity threads that exist on this site about D-Day and people learning about those they have been with during the bulk of their adult lives. 99% of the time, the BS (betrayed spouse) wants to know the truth.

 

 

Then be honest with her that she did nothing wrong and YOU are to blame for the failure of your marriage because you strayed...

 

What does your counselor say about this? Or have you not been completely honesty in therapy about your situation?

 

I am 1000000% honest in counseling.

[Betterthanthis13]

She's been a good wife to you for 20+ years. If you owe her nothing else, you at least owe her the honest reason behind you leaving!

 

Maybe it will make more sense to you in terms of a business analogy.

 

Which would you rather hear from your boss?

 

"You are the best employee I ever had. Thank you for working here for 20 years. You are fired for no reason whatsoever. Here's some money to compensate. You may leave now."

 

"You are the best employee I ever had. Thank you for working here for 20 years. Unfortunately I have personally made a very serious error in judgement that has cost the company a major setback and the result is I am going to have to let you go. It's entirely my fault and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, I know you put so much into making this company a success. I have put together a settlement package that I think is fair- I hope you will review it and let me know if you accept. I realize you would have preferred to continue working here until retirement and I am responsible for ruining that for you. Again, I apologize.

[alkush]

Individual Counselling.

 

You really are a problem guy, aren't you?

 

Not a guy with problems, a problem guy.

 

Tara,

I still don't understand that.

[Betterthanthis13]

Oops! My last post was directed at alkush, not Hopingagain! I was trying to explain to alkush why I thought he should tell his wife about the affair and I quoted the wrong post. Sorry!

[alkush]

Do you ever feel this level of judgement, dissatisfaction or criticism for any menfolk in your life?

 

Yes everyone gets the same critical ridiculous opinion including myself. I am my biggest critic. I am though believe it or not a very big hearted person who cares for people and helps. But I believe in personal accountability. Believe it or not. Professionally I am a high level manager known for being fair and caring about people. Again believe it or not.

[alkush]

Oops! My last post was directed at alkush, not Hopingagain! I was trying to explain to alkush why I thought he should tell his wife about the affair and I quoted the wrong post. Sorry!

 

I understand. I will provide all the whys she needs and cast no blame on her.

[2sunny]

I am 1000000% honest in counseling.

 

So the counselor understands you've been cheating?

[SidLyon]

Here's my take in no particular order:

 

1. You are an unhappy person.

 

2. You feel entitled to cheat on your wife because of all the years you were faithful. You come across as a very entitled, arrogant and boastful person.

 

3. You are insulting to other LS posters calling them "jerks" and feeling the need to give false information to keep it simple for them.

 

4. This indicates a strong manipulative and controlling personality who feels that he will lose control of the situation if others have all the facts.

 

5. You are arrogant and feel superior to most other people which in your mind somehow justifies considerable dishonesty, including of all things on an anonymous internet forum.

 

6. You are still having sex with your wife. This means you are physically abusing her every time you do, because you deny her informed consent. If she believes you are faithful, and would not have sex with you if she knew you weren't being faithful, then you are violating her. Believe me I know all about this.

 

7. You have rescuer syndrome (some call it KISA). You are contemplating exchanging your "slow" wife for Michelle who has a "slow" son, and who obviously can't manage without a man to rescue her.

 

8. There is something wrong with Michelle, that she feels the need to insert herself into somebody else's marriage.

 

9. You won't be able to trust Michelle as not only does she apparently have sex with young boys (from your other thread) but she cheats and has little respect for other people and their marriages.

Edited August 8, 2013 by SidLyon

[2sunny]

man you guys are tough. I agree again. I have learned so much about me in the last 8 months and the vast majority of it has not been good. OK! I have broken all my own big rules. I talk big about doing the right thing but when it came to me, I did it too. But I feel terrible about it. But so what, I am doing it. Apparently not enough to stop. I don't know what else to say.

 

I do not criticize my wife. But yes pity is not love.

My wife will get $300K and $3000 a month and health insurance. So back off.

 

Come on, be real!

 

$3000 a month? How about 6 or 7 thousand a month? She gets the house, your retirement account and 600K.

 

She deserves to be taken care of so she doesn't have worries!!! YOU cheated! YOU want out? PAY!

 

You may lose most of what's been accumulated during the M.

 

And your W should get ALL of it instead of your new OW.

 

You act like 3K a month is a lot - it's not when you need to pay everything in a months time - and I'm sure it doesn't provide the life she's lived for 22 years.

 

Besides - taxes on her 3K a month = closer to 2K a month after she pays taxes on that money.

 

What about the child support money in addition to spousal support?

 

Sop penalizing your W for staying home and making YOU HER WHOLE LIFE!!!

 

Then YOU F*ck her over behind her back? Sheez dude - you are spoiled and selfish and heartless!

 

You are thinking of YOURSELF - and that's just NEVER gonna be attractive!

[Mycatsnuggles]

Alkush,

 

I am in a similar situation to you from the female end. SAHM who married young to someone I had more friendship feelings for. I am currently in an affair and have wondered about leaving H because "I'm not in love". Its difficult because H and I are good together we have a good life. He has been with me the majority of my life and we have kids together. My suggestion - a negotiated separation. Don't be so quick to discount the relationship with your wife and toss everything away. The D card is bandied about here as though it is a very simple thing. You will rip you family apart and recall your children. You will not have the same relationship with them you do now when you become a part time parent. Yes kids adjust as do adults but the process is heart wrenching.

 

Ask your counselor about it or seek a marital counselor for help. Live separately from your wife for a period of 6 months. It should help clarify your views and allow you to see your wife and family in a new light. Perhaps the feelings are still there. The terms of the separation are set up with you and your wife agreeing on finances, relationships with each other and others, and co-parenting. Maybe the wife will reveal she is not as happy as she pretends to be.

[2sunny]

Alkush,

 

I am in a similar situation to you from the female end. SAHM who married young to someone I had more friendship feelings for. I am currently in an affair and have wondered about leaving H because "I'm not in love". Its difficult because H and I are good together we have a good life. He has been with me the majority of my life and we have kids together. My suggestion - a negotiated separation. Don't be so quick to discount the relationship with your wife and toss everything away. The D card is bandied about here as though it is a very simple thing. You will rip you family apart and recall your children. You will not have the same relationship with them you do now when you become a part time parent. Yes kids adjust as do adults but the process is heart wrenching.

 

Ask your counselor about it or seek a marital counselor for help. Live separately from your wife for a period of 6 months. It should help clarify your views and allow you to see your wife and family in a new light. Perhaps the feelings are still there. The terms of the separation are set up with you and your wife agreeing on finances, relationships with each other and others, and co-parenting. Maybe the wife will reveal she is not as happy as she pretends to be.

 

More likely he's a part time parent NOW. He's distracted by his OW - that means his time and energy are focused on HER - and that means it takes his time and energy AWAY FROM his kids - and his wife.

 

Seems obvious - but in the fog - he's unable to see clearly.

 

Meanwhile - most likely, his wife is parenting for both of them. And this is his gratitude = to cheat.

 

Yes, his WIFE deserves more than what he's giving!

[alkush]

So the counselor understands you've been cheating?

 

Yes She knows more about me than anyone on the planet.

[alkush]

More likely he's a part time parent NOW. He's distracted by his OW - that means his time and energy are focused on HER - and that means it takes his time and energy AWAY FROM his kids - and his wife.

 

Seems obvious - but in the fog - he's unable to see clearly.

 

Meanwhile - most likely, his wife is parenting for both of them. And this is his gratitude = to cheat.

 

Yes, his WIFE deserves more than what he's giving!

 

My children are 16 and 20. The eldest away at school. Just Skyped with him this afternoon by the way. I spend more time with my kids in one week than most men do in a year. I just went to Wisconsin with my daughter last week. We went miniature golfing today, tomorrow a movie. Bike riding is our thing. I just dropped her off at her Tai Kwon Do class. I go skating with her at least once a month. And I have to try harder because I think I spent more time with my son.

 

But yes, the wife deserves more. That is why I am here on this forum trying to decide what I need to do and get on with it.

[alkush]

Brilliant!

 

No it is not.

[alkush]

Come on, be real!

 

$3000 a month? How about 6 or 7 thousand a month? She gets the house, your retirement account and 600K.

 

She deserves to be taken care of so she doesn't have worries!!! YOU cheated! YOU want out? PAY!

 

You may lose most of what's been accumulated during the M.

 

And your W should get ALL of it instead of your new OW.

 

You act like 3K a month is a lot - it's not when you need to pay everything in a months time - and I'm sure it doesn't provide the life she's lived for 22 years.

 

Besides - taxes on her 3K a month = closer to 2K a month after she pays taxes on that money.

 

What about the child support money in addition to spousal support?

 

Sop penalizing your W for staying home and making YOU HER WHOLE LIFE!!!

 

Then YOU F*ck her over behind her back? Sheez dude - you are spoiled and selfish and heartless!

 

You are thinking of YOURSELF - and that's just NEVER gonna be attractive!

 

First of all. She will get the house or if she wants a paid for townhouse.

Second I don't believe you pay taxes on that money.

Child support is till 18. I got 14 months to go. If the kid still lives there I will contribute.

Spoiled and selfless and heartless. Sure, that's me. You don't even know me. I spent 15 plus years keeping my mouth shut and being what society and I myself say I am supposed to be. Then the future GF showed up at work and I kept my mouth closed for 1-1/2 years. And then yes, I was weak. So what do you suggest I do then. HUH?

[alkush]

Here's my take in no particular order:

 

1. You are an unhappy person.

 

2. You feel entitled to cheat on your wife because of all the years you were faithful. You come across as a very entitled, arrogant and boastful person.

 

3. You are insulting to other LS posters calling them "jerks" and feeling the need to give false information to keep it simple for them.

 

4. This indicates a strong manipulative and controlling personality who feels that he will lose control of the situation if others have all the facts.

 

5. You are arrogant and feel superior to most other people which in your mind somehow justifies considerable dishonesty, including of all things on an anonymous internet forum.

 

6. You are still having sex with your wife. This means you are physically abusing her every time you do, because you deny her informed consent. If she believes you are faithful, and would not have sex with you if she knew you weren't being faithful, then you are violating her. Believe me I know all about this.

 

7. You have rescuer syndrome (some call it KISA). You are contemplating exchanging your "slow" wife for Michelle who has a "slow" son, and who obviously can't manage without a man to rescue her.

 

8. There is something wrong with Michelle, that she feels the need to insert herself into somebody else's marriage.

 

9. You won't be able to trust Michelle as not only does she apparently have sex with young boys (from your other thread) but she cheats and has little respect for other people and their marriages.

 

WOW you can tell that much about me already! You shouldn't be giving this information out for free.

 

1) TRUE

2) I willnever feel entitled or justified. I was just laying the history out. I feel great guilt. Unbearable at times.

3)Not simple actually, just on track. No insult meant. If I didn't respect the opinions I would not have posted a thread.

4)BS. If you don't have all the RELEVANT facts then you can't help me with an informed decision. RELEVANT.

5)I am more accomplished then most, it is true. I cant help the truth. My father taught me to bust my hump. I have because I am willing to do what others won't. But I am not arrogant ever. I am not dishonest. People do not know what I have or what I have done. I am not boastful. I do not show off.

6) Who said I was still having sex with my wife? WHO? I am not.

7)No. When I learned of the other womans son and ex trouble I was not happy. Everything got more complex real fast. My children are grown. I don't mind a 9 year old. But with issues. I don't know.

8)Could be. I'll give you that one.

9)The young boy you refer to was a 20 year old when she was 29. Thats the latest and greatest. If you read the posts most people think that 20 is ok. I'm the one that had a problem with it. But I'm ok now. Thanks to the forum .

Edited August 9, 2013 by alkush