Need insight-in most pivotal point in my life

[alkush]

On October 20th I will have been married 22 years, will be 51 years old. I have 2 fantastic kids, 17 and 20. They have never been in trouble, I like their friends, etc. I have always tried and would like to think almost always succeeded at being a great husband and dad. I say that not boastful, because I believe the key element that many do not do is to simply try. I try.

 

I have always been responsible financially. In my adult life I have never had financial problems. So almost without exception those issues have never burdened or strained our marriage. We live in a nice home in a middle to slightly upper middle class NW suburb of Chicago. I am not rich, we do not live extravagant lives, but my family does not want for anything. I have a low but yes a six figure income and my wife doesn't work except for something to do part time once in a while. Especially since the kids are older.

 

My wife is a great mom. My wife is a great wife. She is untiring in her devotion to take care of the kids and me. Sex by and in comparison to most would be considered great. But my wife is slow. She has learning dissabilities, she went through all grade, middle, and high school in special classes. Basically just a good kid that they did the best they could with and they pushed her along through high school graduation. That's what they did in those days I guess.

 

So here is the problem that I CREATED and what I HAVE DONE AND AM RESPONSIBLE FOR in the last 8 months.

 

I have had a secret for something like 15 or more years of our marriage. I do not love her. I respect her. She is a great mom and wife, and life partner. Why did I marry her? She was safe, wanted the picket fence, etc. It doesn't matter anymore, I married her. So I do not love her. I am of more than average intelligence (in my opinion anyway). So the combination is a problem. I cannot talk to her on an intellectually satisfying level. I feel alone. As the years goby I am more and more alone.

 

Most times I feel nothing when I look at her. Sometimes I feel empathy, feel sorry for her. Sometime I do have a great sense of joy and respect and appreciation though that she has so dutifully raised our kids and taken care of the household and me. She does it unquestionably. I guess because she is slow. In many ways her life, the way she sees it is simple and makes sense. I actually appreciate and respect that because she can actually achieve happiness much easier.

 

Over time, years, I have been getting more and more dead inside, disillusioned. I don't show it and I guess because she is slow, she doesn't see or is not able to perceive the subtle things that would raise a warning flag. So he is happy and content and thinks her marriage is the best and how lucky, etc. etc......

But I have not been happy for years. Life is boring. I just need the emotional and intellectual connect. I have been faithful all this time. But a girl 3 years younger than me, walked into my life a couple years ago at work. I noticed her right away and grew quite fond of her. For over a year I got to know her and realy really liked her. She has a special needs 9 year old and I sensed and learned that she has a rocky marriage. She is a very private person but over time she confided in me.

 

Her husband basically abandoned her and is a self centered verbally abusive controlling jerk. I would say borderline narcissistic. She is now getting a divorce. I hid my feelings for her and always was afraid she would see it in me. One day after knowing her about 15 months, I told her I can tell she needed someone to talk to. Obvious when someone is standing with their arms crossed and holding back tears! I went to her house, met her son, and later that evening she let loose all sorts of things and it was very good for her to bend an ear. I in my weakness told her that I liked her.

 

To make a long story short we actually made out that evening, and all but had sex, her top off and a lot of grinding. She did something curious. She said to me "Are we going to do it?" I said "No, not if your going to ask a question like that. It sound like your unsure" We did not. That evening started a 8 month fast track relationship. We are now in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We feel like we have something between us that most people never get. We feel very lucky. There are many problems. Probably more related to me and my frailties than her. Some that I have posted elsewhere on the forum but for this posting I want to get opinions on the following:

 

I don't believe I have a good reason to get divorced.

I believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey. I believe that a marriage is something created that is more important than the 2 people who created it. I feel great guilt that I might leave my wife, she will need a job of which she has and probably will only make minimum wage. And she will be unhappy and alone. Yes, I will split all assets with her and do the right thing for her and pay spousal support and take care of my kids. No problem.

 

But I fear she will be unhappy the rest of her life and possibly still not be able to fully have the resources to take care of herself in case of like medical bills or car issues, etc.I fear that I am not justified morally and ethically in wanting a divorce. She lived her life trusting and assuming I would be thre forever. It is not her fault she is ill equipped now after 22 years, to live alone and on her own. And what does it teach and tell the kids? And that I have more than most people would ever want from a spouse and I am throwing it away.

But I don't love her. I am lonely. Yes in 22 years you grow a fondness. But she is more a friend than anything else. I love, lets call her, Michelle.

 

I also fear that I am just dumb. That I will end up just as unhappy but for other reasons. That I will be sitting there a few years from now with my special needs step son and a crazy ex husband, and think about how idilic and stress free my life was and now its crazy. Don't get me wrong I like the kid a lot, growing to love him and would be a great step father. I know If I continue as is and suffer silently I will be less and less happy and disillusioned. I see a chance for happiness but a lot of risk.

 

If I stay with my wife and drop Michelle then I will forever know I had given up a chance with her and wonder what might have been. It may be tormenting.

But the guilt, the guilt is great!!

 

I am looking for insight, similar experiences, anything that can help me. I need to do something.

thanks.

Edited August 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Philosoraptor]

My heart sunk in my chest reading this. I feel horrible for your wife. Whether or not she is of high intelligence, she sounds like a wonderful wife, mother, friend, and most of all... human being.

 

You'll do what you want to do, and you've made that clear. Your marriage pact has already been breached, so don't let that keep you around.

 

Doesn't seem like you've been making good decisions from the start. Everyone deserves happiness; and your wife deserves respect and to be treated a lot better.

Edited August 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovesucks76]

Unfortunately, I know about this too well....I can tell you that if you're not happy today with your marriage you won't be happy later either. Life is short and even if you care about your wife you're not in love with her. You and her deserve to experience true love. We could discuss all the things you did wrong but it doesn't reallly matter at this point. You need to move on when the time is right. If you're sure the time is now then do it. The unconditional love your wife feels for you is precious but it's not enough to sustain you anymore. It's a sad story but you must do what's right for you. If it were me I would try to work on me first before jumping in with someone else. You're very lonely, believe me, I know about loneliness and you have been lonely for a long time so any attention you get from someone else may seem like love right now but you won't know for sure until you've had the chance to be on your own for a bit. I went through a similar situation and I fell madly in love with someone who I thought love me too until she broke it off for stupid silly reasons. True love will endure time and you need to give yourself time to process this and learn about the type of partner you really want for a long term healthy relationship. Hope this helps!

Edited August 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alkush]

Unfortunately, I know about this too well....I can tell you that if you're not happy today with your marriage you won't be happy later either. Life is short and even if you care about your wife you're not in love with her. You and her deserve to experience true love. We could discuss all the things you did wrong but it doesn't reallly matter at this point. You need to move on when the time is right. If you're sure the time is now then do it. The unconditional love your wife feels for you is precious but it's not enough to sustain you anymore. It's a sad story but you must do what's right for you. If it were me I would try to work on me first before jumping in with someone else. You're very lonely, believe me, I know about loneliness and you have been lonely for a long time so any attention you get from someone else may seem like love right now but you won't know for sure until you've had the chance to be on your own for a bit. I went through a similar situation and I fell madly in love with someone who I thought love me too until she broke it off for stupid silly reasons. True love will endure time and you need to give yourself time to process this and learn about the type of partner you really want for a long term healthy relationship. Hope this helps!

 

Your right. But at this point I am in too deep to go back. Maybe I should at least really slow it way down.

[Sneaky]

I might not be the most experienced person here but the right thing to do is to tell your wife. You don't seem to hold her in the highest regard but she is entitled to make her own decision and be given some respect.

 

Secondly you should not claim that you are acting from a moral standpoint when one of your options is literally lying to your wife for the rest of her life.

 

Lastly, "I don't get anything for the past?" Really? It doesn't matter what you were for 22 years, it does not entitle you to deceiving the people that love you. You could have talked about being unhappy at any given point and tried to work on it together. Being unfaithful once in 22 years still makes you an unfaithful husband. I hope you come clean.

[Philosoraptor]

I spelled it out as honestly as I could and you respond that way. Jerk! While all this was in my head I was a faithful husband and great dad for 22 years!. Now i'm thinking of myself and I get crucified. Why! I don't get anything for the past? I just want to be happy. Why cant it be my turn? I wont let her be destitute. I will watch over her. Why do I have to suck it up till the day I die!

I mean no harm, but I said what needed to be said. You married selfishly for "safety" as you said and now want to end it because you are unsatisfied. You've also been seeing someone else behind her back. Do you want to be put on some sort of pedestal for marrying a "slow" person and taking care of her all these years? Had you not taken the safe route she could have met someone who loved her fully and wouldn't have fooled around with someone else behind her back.

 

It was your turn when you decided to marry for safety rather than love and compatibility. I'm not saying stay with her, to the contrary... I think she deserves better than someone who stays with her out of moral obligation and says that they "believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey", yet has an affair behind his wife's back.

[alkush]

I might not be the most experienced person here but the right thing to do is to tell your wife. You don't seem to hold her in the highest regard but she is entitled to make her own decision and be given some respect.

 

Secondly you should not claim that you are acting from a moral standpoint when one of your options is literally lying to your wife for the rest of her life.

 

Lastly, "I don't get anything for the past?" Really? It doesn't matter what you were for 22 years, it does not entitle you to deceiving the people that love you. You could have talked about being unhappy at any given point and tried to work on it together. Being unfaithful once in 22 years still makes you an unfaithful husband. I hope you come clean.

 

I see what your saying but I have talked to her in the past about feeling alone. She just shrugs it off. My intent has never been to continue this. I have discussed divorce with her recently. I do not believe anything in the past justifies what I am doing. She deserves to be treated correctly and this current situation must end one way or another because it is terribly wrong. I am getting good at it and that is despicable. Im just torn between staying with her and being pretty unhappy forever, and the massive guilt I feel now and may still feel going forward if I divorce her and have a life with Michelle. I don't know if I am thinking straight.

[alkush]

I mean no harm, but I said what needed to be said. You married selfishly for "safety" as you said and now want to end it because you are unsatisfied. You've also been seeing someone else behind her back. Do you want to be put on some sort of pedestal for marrying a "slow" person and taking care of her all these years? Had you not taken the safe route she could have met someone who loved her fully and wouldn't have fooled around with someone else behind her back.

 

It was your turn when you decided to marry for safety rather than love and compatibility. I'm not saying stay with her, to the contrary... I think she deserves better than someone who stays with her out of moral obligation and says that they "believe in the promise before God to love honor and obey", yet has an affair behind his wife's back.

 

I thought I was in love when I married. Besides everyone marries selfishly. You don't just marry anyone because you want to give and not receive. I did not destroy her life because of who she could have married. I probably gave her a life better than she would have ever had. I do believe in the promise, but I am weak I guess, and that is why I am full of guilt. Bottom line is that she is extremely happy with me. I feel terrible about destroying that. I could back off, dump Michelle, suck it up forever and go on. I don't know what to do.

[Philosoraptor]

Im just torn between staying with her and being pretty unhappy forever, and the massive guilt I feel now and may still feel going forward if I divorce her and have a life with Michelle. I don't know if I am thinking straight.

 

I would heed lovesucks advice from above.

 

If it were me I would try to work on me first before jumping in with someone else. You're very lonely, believe me, I know about loneliness and you have been lonely for a long time so any attention you get from someone else may seem like love right now but you won't know for sure until you've had the chance to be on your own for a bit.

 

You're in a no win situation. You either stay and be miserable, or move on and live with the feelings of what you have done by ending your marriage. Either way, you will not be able to move on and find a truly happy and satisfying relationship until you've been able to move past what you are going to do and forgiven yourself for the choices you have made.

[alkush]

To be clear I do not think anything I did or am doing is justified in any way, period. That's why I need to make a decision and stop this madness. I'm just asking for help on the decision.

[Philosoraptor]

I thought I was in love when I married. Besides everyone marries selfishly. You don't just marry anyone because you want to give and not receive. I did not destroy her life because of who she could have married. I probably gave her a life better than she would have ever had. I do believe in the promise, but I am weak I guess, and that is why I am full of guilt. Bottom line is that she is extremely happy with me. I feel terrible about destroying that. I could back off, dump Michelle, suck it up forever and go on. I don't know what to do.

You're skewing the facts still to relieve guilt. Is it fair to give her a better life than you assume she would have ever had, for her to be extrememly happy with you, then rip it away?

 

You should leave. No one deserves to be miserable and no one should have to live a lie. She deserves the truth and to hopefully find someone who will commit to her for life, and you deserve to hopefully find happiness and self forgiveness for this yourself.

 

To be clear I do not think anything I did or am doing is justified in any way, period. That's why I need to make a decision and stop this madness. I'm just asking for help on the decision.

 

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want to do, and with your wife about the affair. Hopefully with time and forgiveness the both of you will again find happiness in this world.

[lukekarts]

You need to end things with your wife. Do it properly, tell her the reasons why, split everything 50:50, leave being honest about why you are doing it.

 

It really sucks for her, but at least you can see that. Just be respectful in the way you do it.

 

Staying married 'just because' is not the right way to do things. Especially in the long run if one of your kids works out what is going on. Any maybe this Michelle person will get fed up too.

[TaraMaiden]

What the hell is it about the girlfriend, then?

 

Your wife isn't perfect, your GF isn't perfect.

 

hell's bells, I think the 'imperfect' one isn't them, it's you....

Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect guidelines

[HopingAgain]

I agree with Taramaiden. Some people are just not satisfied, no matter what they have or what they do, or who they have in their lives. I guarantee if you "choose" Michelle, you are gonna be moaning just like you said about the responsibilities of dealing with a special needs child and a crazy ex husband. You are already complaining about the possibility and you haven't even taken the leap yet! But at least your "slow" wife would be free of a man who has no respect for her and what amounts to a slowly rising contempt for her and her feelings.

 

Here's and idea. Why not try being single for awhile and figure out what makes you tick and see if you can't make YOURSELF happy for awhile without depending on others for external happiness?

[MidwestUSA]

Give your wife the freedom she deserves. But do Michelle a favor as well. You're judging her for something that happened TWENTY YEARS ago. Let her go too. You are the one that needs work.

 

In one post, you say you married for "safety", then later it becomes "love". Suit yourself, spin this any way you need to to make yourself feel better. Ugh.

[dichotomy]

I also fear that I am just dumb. That I will end up just as unhappy but for other reasons. That I will be sitting there a few years from now with my special needs step son and a crazy ex husband, and think about how idilic and stress free my life was and now its crazy. Don't get me wrong I like the kid a lot, growing to love him and would be a great step father. I know If I continue as is and suffer silently I will be less and less happy and disillusioned. I see a chance for happiness but a lot of risk.

 

 

 

I think you got it - smart guy.

 

Wait till you are living with her - and the kid, and the house is messy, and she is not taking care of all the things with joy the way your spouse did, when she is not interested in sex, has to deal with her ex and kid's special ed teachers...and the kid is yelling at you that your not their dad,..... and your paying for college ...and so much more. You are not even CLOSE to understanding what a life is with this woman. But you will - I give it three years.

 

Love is not a feeling. It is an action a committment - which you have now broken.

 

The grass is always greener My first wife was a cold PHd, intellecutal who thouigh I was (with my BS degree, and six figure salary)... a dolt . You have a happy, caring, hard working wife, who provides great sex, and takes care of your home with a smile on her face? Hell - you can go get intellectual stimulation ANYWHERE - but a wife that respects and cares for you and is still sexual all these years later - that you won't find so easy.

 

Ah well .

 

Let me give you something for thought. Prior to this affiar - for those 15 years - did you care for your wife? Hold her hand, take care of her when she was sick, go or do things with her that maybe you did not enjoy - but you did it for her? ......did you smile, compliment her, be kind, try to make sure the sex was good for her as well? Remember her birthdays or anniversaries with nice gifts? laugh with your kids, thank her for all she does....sacrifice for her...etc.etc.... then I think you were loving her.

Edited August 8, 2013 by dichotomy

[73Fras]

Michelle deserves you....

[imfine]

Not trying to sound demeaning, but you might want to read up on KISA syndrome. What would the slow girl or the woman with a disabled child & terrorized by her crazy ex do without you to save them? Perhaps you should identify your own inadequacies & work on those before you make any decisions.

Edited August 8, 2013 by imfine

[2sunny]

First let me say - I see a LOT of your ego showing in your initial post. Then rewriting you marital history.

 

 

Since the bottom line will be that you aren't happy with yourself - what do YOU plan to change about the core being of YOURSELF that might make things better when you're with your OW?

 

And yes, I think no matter what - you should divorce your wife! Especially since you don't type as if you have loved or respected her ---> pity and criticism is NOT love.

 

When you divorce her - and SINCE she's never worked and is mentally deficient - you should offer her 80% of your assets. You can earn more but apparently she can't.

[TaraMaiden]

First let me say - I see a LOT of your ego showing in your initial post. Then rewriting you marital history.

 

 

Since the bottom line will be that you aren't happy with yourself - what do YOU plan to change about the core being of YOURSELF that might make things better when you're with your OW?

 

And yes, I think no matter what - you should divorce your wife! Especially since you don't type as if you have loved or respected her ---> pity and criticism is NOT love.

 

When you divorce her - and SINCE she's never worked and is mentally deficient - you should offer her 80% of your assets. You can earn more but apparently she can't.

 

According to his other thread, he's already divorced her - 2 years ago....

 

Whut dafuq is all that about?

[2sunny]

According to his other thread, he's already divorced her - 2 years ago....

 

Whut dafuq is all that about?

 

Huh?

 

So he still lies. But now to US? Virtual strangers - and he can't get his honesty together even now?

 

Maybe you are now so used to lying that you can't get honest even on an anonymous board? Is that it?

[2sunny]

When you DIVORCED - did you provide your exW with at LEAST 80% of your combined assets?

 

I'd like to know how you handled disposing of your 20 year M when you needed your OW so much that you rewrote your M history?

[MidwestUSA]

Nice catch, Wisernow. I missed that. Disgusted as I was with the opening post to this thread, now, well......just ugh.

 

So, what is the truth? Why lie to a bunch of strangers on the Internet?

[MidwestUSA]

Willing to bet his wife, or ex wife?, wasn't/isn't a slow learner at all. She's probably the one earning in the 'low six figures' and provided the comfort and 'what to expect' lifestyle he is now afraid of leaving. Baggage indeed!

[Realist3]

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this particular version is more toward the truthful side than your other thread.

 

I'm also going to assume that your previous thread was just a fishing expedition to get reactions about your concerns about the woman you are about to leave your wife for, and that is being kind.

 

 

When I first read this post I had a small slice of empathy for you. Now? Not so much.

 

You need to divorce your wife, and the 80-20 split in her favor is just the beginning. You should provide a livable wage for her at her current standard of living until she passes away. Assuming she is fairly close to your age there is no way she will be able to accumulate the necessary requirements to receive Social Security by her eligibility age, especially if she can only maintain a minimum wage job.

 

You can play the 'woe is me' card all day long, but you knew what you got involved with right from the beginning. She raised your kids, she keeps a nice house, and that is the least you owe her. You talk about morals and guilt, well put your money where your mouth is.

 

Go start your new journey with your 8 month GF. I don't think there is any turning back.