revitup Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Brightday has this right.....from a woman's perspective no doubt. The daily "I can't live without you, I miss you so much" and "This is literally killing me" conversation just makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can. Take note OP.It just does the reverse of what you think. REVITUP
Author Steel-RayVin Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can ~ I have heard this already. Its hard not to want to pour yourself into something you love so much. I try to hold it in but after a few days I end up saying something. I get stuck in my head because neither of us are really talking about things just going with the flow each day. I want her to come back because she realizes what she lost. Not because she fell on her face per se. When we tried again before, neither of us went back and addressed the issues that caused us to separate in the first place. Some of those things are what crept back into our lives. I cannot excuse the things I did for work. While my head kept thinking "you're taking care of your family" I should have been paying attention the "being there: side of things. unfortunately in my career field its not always that easy. Did anyone else feel like a junky who hit rock bottom when things started happening? I felt like I could see everything I screwed up and all the subtle little hints that were there.
cozycottagelg Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Okay - this is my first post on this site but I felt compelled to give you my opinion as I am in the same position as your wife. The situation is different (I have no OM waiting and I would never leave my kids). But, I am the one that filed for divorce, 6 weeks ago. We've had issues for years, and two years ago we were at the crossroads. I wanted out and he wouldn't hear of it. I finally agreed to give it one more chance and I did.(I knew we had both made some terrible choices in the marriage and I loved him and didn't want to end things with any doubts) I gave 100% to the relationship. After two years I have realized that the more I tried to make it work the less effort stbxh put into it. So I made the decision to file and it was the hardest decision of my life. I understand the feeling of being tired of taking care of everyone else and always putting the feelings of others first. So selfishly, with the exception of my children's needs, I am trying to find the person I wanted to be and the mother I know I can be. In the mean time we live in the same house, in seperate rooms. He still does not want divorce and goes from angry to pitiful within minutes. The daily "I can't live without you, I miss you so much" and "This is literally killing me" conversation just makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can. When you love someone so much it is hard to imagine your life without that person but no woman wants the responsiblily of having your happieness completely in their hands. I believe that the person you are married to should complement you, not create you. Once she sees that you can function, and probably thrive without her she will start respecting you again which is important for the kids to see even if you do not work things out. If this is just a test for her to see if life is better with or without you then she'll see you in a new light and probably want to try again with the new and improved you. If she's seriously done with the relationship then nothing you do will change her mind. The other posters here are right, quit begging. Quit expecting her to magically change her mind. And quit interpreting that there is hope just because she may not be a b***h all the time. Try the 180, I can't tell you if it will work since my stbxh hasn't tried it but I do know that what he's(and you) are doing isn't working. And do you really want her to come back to you just because she can't "make it" on her own? It will never last unless she proves to herself she can live without you but she chooses not to. That is just my opinion though. I do hate that you are going through this but the fact that you are a hard worker and a responsible father tells me that you will be better for this experience no matter what the outcome is. Good luck and stay strong. This, totally, exactly. My husband sobs lately (FINALLY making some progress on telling him how I really feel) and says he can't live without me and can't imagine life without me, and it feels like a terrible burden.
RightThere Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can ~ I have heard this already. Its hard not to want to pour yourself into something you love so much. I try to hold it in but after a few days I end up saying something. I get stuck in my head because neither of us are really talking about things just going with the flow each day. I want her to come back because she realizes what she lost. Not because she fell on her face per se. When we tried again before, neither of us went back and addressed the issues that caused us to separate in the first place. Some of those things are what crept back into our lives. I cannot excuse the things I did for work. While my head kept thinking "you're taking care of your family" I should have been paying attention the "being there: side of things. unfortunately in my career field its not always that easy. Did anyone else feel like a junky who hit rock bottom when things started happening? I felt like I could see everything I screwed up and all the subtle little hints that were there. I am in a similar boat. My wife wanted to separate and although I currently have a "stay of execution" I look at it as though we are not married, everything I previously had done is washed away, and I have to start dating and courting her again as new. I know my wife will not be attracted to the pathetic me that is inside of me right now. So I treat it as though I'm single guy who is starting to date my wife again. Gotta be at the gym to look good, gotta be interesting, gotta seem a bit unavailable and do other activities. But this time around, I cannot let those things slip and be predictable and dependent. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I look at how long we've been married for and that is a lot of "slipping backwards" time. So it's going to take time to build back up.
Quiet Storm Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I have asked her for counseling and she says I should have thought about that earlier and that she has no interest in going. She said she is moving forward with or without me. Why would a woman think that her marriage is not worth saving, especially if kids are involved? If you are not abusive, if you are not an alcholic or addict, then most women would attempt to save their marriage, at least for their kids sake. Why doesn't she try? Because there is another man & she no longer sees you in "that way". She said when she leaves she will still be over every day to get the kids off the bus and will be there until they get tucked in at night. She is moving out & not taking the kids so that she can be with her lover without having the kids to worry about. Most mothers would not even consider living without their kids. Her feelings for this guy must be very strong for her to make moving out a higher priority then living with her kids. I don't see most women making this choice unless there is another man or addiction involved. She has said that she wished I hated her, then it would be easier to leave. She cheated. She wants another man. It would be so much easier if you hated her. It would relieve her guilt. She says that she feels like she doesn't deserve me or what I have been doing for her. Again, she knows she hasn't been loyal and it makes her feel guilty to see you trying so hard. Your niceness makes her uncomfortable because she knows she doesn't deserve it. she told me that I have all the qualities women want, smart, funny, hard working, dedicated. She wants you interested in someone else so she can be with her new man guilt free. She doesn't want you to have any expectations of reconciliation because she already sees her relationship with you as over & done with. I think she is cheating on you and wants the freedom to be with her lover. There is not much you can do, but try to be strong and be a rock for your kids. Even if she still visits often, they can feel abandoned by her. They may feel that their mother doesn't love them enough to keep their family together. Stability & security are HUGE needs for kids and her leaving could be a turning point in their lives (for the worse). Having you as a strong, stable, safe, reliable parent can mitigate the damage. I think you would have better luck getting her back if you get tough with her. Tell her if she goes, she's not welcome back. She has the attitude that you will always be there waiting, and she can go "find herself" at your & your children's expense. She is a grown adult. She doesn't get to try out her choices to see if they work for her. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices like the rest of us. Tell her that having her over every evening will be painful for you and will confuse the kids. Tell her she needs to find a place where the kids can visit. You need to work out a visitation schedule. She shouldn't get to come home and play mommy when it suits her and go back to her love nest when she's had enough. I think your wife is very immature and selfish. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Misadventure Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can ~ I have heard this already. Its hard not to want to pour yourself into something you love so much. I try to hold it in but after a few days I end up saying something. I get stuck in my head because neither of us are really talking about things just going with the flow each day. I want her to come back because she realizes what she lost. Not because she fell on her face per se. When we tried again before, neither of us went back and addressed the issues that caused us to separate in the first place. Some of those things are what crept back into our lives. I cannot excuse the things I did for work. While my head kept thinking "you're taking care of your family" I should have been paying attention the "being there: side of things. unfortunately in my career field its not always that easy. Did anyone else feel like a junky who hit rock bottom when things started happening? I felt like I could see everything I screwed up and all the subtle little hints that were there. Steel, I am new here too and I am there at Rock Bottom with you. I did the crying, the pleading the first 2-3 weeks but I stopped. It made ME feel bad. The whole thing makes me feel bad, but what I was doing made me feel bad because he just stared and stared, said nothing and couldn't care less. In his head, it probably justified to himself and checkmarked why he was leaving me...even if its not the reason, what I was doing was justifying to himself that "the grass is greener fantasy" or perhaps someone else in his life was not doing what I was doing (even if it was because I love him so d@mn much)....I didn't know about this board before I stopped...but I am glad that I stopped because even though I feel pathetic and rock bottom...I am not a beggar. It wasn't me. I needed to stop..for me. That ice cold stare looking back at me everytime I poured my heart out, crying, pleading, bartering... and tried to illustrate our life together and our love pretty much said that no matter what I said...it didn't matter. I don't have much light on any of this except to say that the first step is to get yourself off the floor (and TRUST ME, I am on the floor crying many nights STILL)... and when you feel like begging, pleading, asking for your life back...bite your lip...pinch yourself..stop the train of thought for leaving your lips...because means the person is not caring...they showed they didn't care by leaving in the first place. 1
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Then tell her, Well, now you know what "I" want. But what I want and what I'm going to get are two totally separate things. If you want to leave, then there's the door. I'm not holding you against your will. You can leave anytime you like. But, when you walk out that door, you're also walking out of my life. I just hope you won't walkout if the kids lives as well. I will never deny you access to the kids, but we would need to work out visitation that would be agreeable to both of us. You need to show her that you are ready to start living a life without her. That you'll be hurt, but your life will go on. That you're preparing yourself for that day when she walks out. She needs to know you're serious.
Author Steel-RayVin Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Why would a woman think that her marriage is not worth saving, especially if kids are involved? If you are not abusive, if you are not an alcholic or addict, then most women would attempt to save their marriage, at least for their kids sake. Why doesn't she try? Because there is another man & she no longer sees you in "that way". She says she is still attracted to me. She says that most days she does not feel like I am her husband but there are some that she does. I cannot figure out why she wont fight either. Its like shes so hung up on the fact that things MIGHT not change that she is unwilling at this time to see if they ever will. She is moving out & not taking the kids so that she can be with her lover without having the kids to worry about. Most mothers would not even consider living without their kids. Her feelings for this guy must be very strong for her to make moving out a higher priority then living with her kids. I don't see most women making this choice unless there is another man or addiction involved. She does not want to disrupt the normal day to day things with my two oldest. They catch the bus up the street from the house so rather than her getting them up at 6:30 and getting them to the house at 8 for the bus, I will just do what I normally do, get them up and ready for school and put them on the bus. The reason the baby is staying with her is similar, she wont have to get her up early and get over to the house. As oxymoron a statement as this is, she wants things to be as "NORMAL" as possible for the kids. She cheated. She wants another man. It would be so much easier if you hated her. It would relieve her guilt. Again, she knows she hasn't been loyal and it makes her feel guilty to see you trying so hard. Your niceness makes her uncomfortable because she knows she doesn't deserve it. She wants you interested in someone else so she can be with her new man guilt free. She doesn't want you to have any expectations of reconciliation because she already sees her relationship with you as over & done with. I think she is cheating on you and wants the freedom to be with her lover. There is not much you can do, but try to be strong and be a rock for your kids. Even if she still visits often, they can feel abandoned by her. They may feel that their mother doesn't love them enough to keep their family together. Stability & security are HUGE needs for kids and her leaving could be a turning point in their lives (for the worse). Having you as a strong, stable, safe, reliable parent can mitigate the damage. I think you would have better luck getting her back if you get tough with her. Tell her if she goes, she's not welcome back. She has the attitude that you will always be there waiting, and she can go "find herself" at your & your children's expense. She is a grown adult. She doesn't get to try out her choices to see if they work for her. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices like the rest of us. Tell her that having her over every evening will be painful for you and will confuse the kids. Tell her she needs to find a place where the kids can visit. You need to work out a visitation schedule. She shouldn't get to come home and play mommy when it suits her and go back to her love nest when she's had enough. If I tell her that, she will stay away. Shes not the type to fight like you or I would. I think your wife is very immature and selfish. Your kids are lucky to have you. None of my friends or family can figure out why she is doing this. I get that shes unhappy. It infuriates me that shes got feelings for this guy so soon. I get that hes always been a friend to her, I think shes just pushing herself towards something that isn't me. Shes being selfish, scared and running away instead of facing things head on. My son now knows what is going on and he said he "hates the decision mom is making". She knows hes upset and has it in her head that this is what is best right now. That upset me and I let her know it too.
tryingtoevolve Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Google married to a narcissist. I'm not joking. Read everything you can and personality disorders. Be honest with yourself and start doing the math. If it adds up to a yes? You will detach and things become much, much clearer. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I am sorry that you are in this situation and that you are fighting for your marriage. There is nothing that has happened to you that I have not seen many times. In all these cases I have never seen a man reconcile his marriage my being overly nice to her. I am not suggesting that you should be mean, what I am saying is the relationship has to be balanced. The overly nice is putting you in a subservient role and no woman respects a man in that position. Women like men that are confident in themselves, more than looks, more than money, a man has to be confident (not cocky). Right now you are clearly Plan B. She has been with this man before and you were able to get her to reconcile. He has been in the background all the while and they have been in contact more than you think. She is leaving to fulfill her own selfish desires (ie...left children behind), but want to keep you as Plan B, just in case things with Barney (or whatever) does not work out for her. She will give you little snippets of "oh I may be making a mistake", to string you along and you dig in deeper, that if you only persevere she will come back. She may even tire of Barney and come home for awhile, just long enough to find Barney 2.0, this is a game you can't win by being Plan B. I don't tell you these things to be mean or get some kicks, but in hopes that you will avoid the multiple mistakes that I made using the same plan you are using now. I don't see her leaving because of you, nor leaving because of him, she left to fill her own selfish desire. The bad thing is that she will probably not be happy with either as her problems are really with the demons that she has carried from childhood. IF you could get her into counseling to work on her issues, then there is a chance, otherwise I don't see much future. She is perpetuating the abandonment issues that she suffered from and now projecting on to the next generation. My advice to you is to STOP the pleading for her to come back campaign, this won't work. Quit worrying about her period and focus your attention on the two little ones that you have at home, they deserve this attention. You need to be fully prepared to move on with your life without her. As hard as this is for you, this is equally as hard on them, they need stability in their life. Sit down with wife and create a schedule for visitation and stick to it for the children. They need to know both of you are going to be there and when, this will relieve their fears. Separate finances and consult with an attorney to determine the legal obligations. You don't have to file, but you need to have the information to make intelligent decisions. Don't totally ignore her, but don't be at her beckon call. Text work better than voice, because it allows you to heal. Right now you are a raw wound and it hurts, allow yourself to heal and you be surprised at how your thoughts will change. 1
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