Those Who Knew

[Confused48]

I recently have been thinking about the fact that some people either knew about the A or had good reason to suspect something improper was going on and they said nothing to me about it. I'm not sure what to think about that. Or whether or not to discuss it with them or just put it on the pile of disgusting things that happen during an A that I have to look the other way at.

 

The people that this bothers me the most with is WS's parents.

 

Background: there was infidelity in their marriage. They did not D right away but did a few years later. As I said they knew or had good reason to suspect something was up with WS.

 

The reason it bugs me is they seem to be close to me. But I guess of course, it's their kid. So not that close. I just think a heads up would be appropriate. Maybe that is too much to expect though. What do you think?

 

Not bothering me as much is a friend of WS. We have friends that I would consider to be our mutual friends. This one is not. It is really just WS's friend. Same sex person. The person is always very nice to me and I like the person but have very little interaction with the person. So I think in this case it would be almost inappropriate for the person to have told me that something was up. I guess. Now that I say that though I wonder. Maybe I'm going to easy on this person.

[krazikat]

I recently have been thinking about the fact that some people either knew about the A or had good reason to suspect something improper was going on and they said nothing to me about it. I'm not sure what to think about that. Or whether or not to discuss it with them or just put it on the pile of disgusting things that happen during an A that I have to look the other way at.

 

The people that this bothers me the most with is WS's parents.

 

Background: there was infidelity in their marriage. They did not D right away but did a few years later. As I said they knew or had good reason to suspect something was up with WS.

 

The reason it bugs me is they seem to be close to me. But I guess of course, it's their kid. So not that close. I just think a heads up would be appropriate. Maybe that is too much to expect though. What do you think?

 

Not bothering me as much is a friend of WS. We have friends that I would consider to be our mutual friends. This one is not. It is really just WS's friend. Same sex person. The person is always very nice to me and I like the person but have very little interaction with the person. So I think in this case it would be almost inappropriate for the person to have told me that something was up. I guess. Now that I say that though I wonder. Maybe I'm going to easy on this person.

 

The only people who knew of my h affair were people I could give a rats behind for....just some of his wayback friends who were into that same scene. I would be upset if other family that I am close to knew and kept the secret.

[krazikat]

I will add they did know about the drinking and partying and have been very happy and supportive that he is no longer living that way...

[Moper]

I recently have been thinking about the fact that some people either knew about the A or had good reason to suspect something improper was going on and they said nothing to me about it. I'm not sure what to think about that. Or whether or not to discuss it with them or just put it on the pile of disgusting things that happen during an A that I have to look the other way at.

 

The people that this bothers me the most with is WS's parents.

 

Background: there was infidelity in their marriage. They did not D right away but did a few years later. As I said they knew or had good reason to suspect something was up with WS.

 

The reason it bugs me is they seem to be close to me. But I guess of course, it's their kid. So not that close. I just think a heads up would be appropriate. Maybe that is too much to expect though. What do you think?

 

Not bothering me as much is a friend of WS. We have friends that I would consider to be our mutual friends. This one is not. It is really just WS's friend. Same sex person. The person is always very nice to me and I like the person but have very little interaction with the person. So I think in this case it would be almost inappropriate for the person to have told me that something was up. I guess. Now that I say that though I wonder. Maybe I'm going to easy on this person.

 

Personally I would not impose the burden of disclosure on anyone other than your WS. Considering the immeasurable pain this disclosure causes you, why would any decent person wish to be part of that? They did nothing to create the condition. I would tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and frankly I would question their motive if they had disclosed it to you. Affairs are just really, really bad. Always. Everywhere, and for everyone who has a stake no matter how small. I am afraid there is no wisdom or explanation beyond that fact.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Do her parents and her friend know about her affair now?

 

If so, ask them directly if they knew about it before. If the answer is yes, ask them why they didn't say anything.

 

If the answer is yes, cut them out of your life to the extent possible. Don't deprive your kids of their grandparents, but your kids don't need the kind of example and logic that they are likely to use. Grandparents can provide great moral guidance to your children, but defective ones can also do great harm and teach your children that it's OK to lie or cheat for their own benefit. In any event, you don't have to spend any time with them other than for the kids' sake.

 

As for the friend, if the answer is yes, cut her out completely. No need for you or your wife to ever have any contact with her again. An unfortunate byproduct of your wife's affair - she can give up you or give up her friend.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I can understand you being upset by this; most anyone else would be, too. I know it's hurtful, if they knew about this (particularly your in-laws) and said nothing about it.

 

I encourage you to ask them, outright. If they did know, ask them why they didn't tell you, or hint at it, in some way.

 

I don't believe they meant to hurt you, in any way. Perhaps they didn't feel it was their place to inform you; perhaps they were torn between their daughter, and you.

 

People seldom handle a situation in the way they ought to; I'm sure they are sorry, if they knew and failed to enlighten you. Or at least one of them might be (particularly whichever of your WS's parents was the BS).

 

You still have a right to be upset with them, whatever their reasons may be. But, for your own peace of mind, you might want to explore what motivated their silence-again, if they knew or suspected anything at all.

[Coolit]

If his parent's or family only suspected an affair think how awkward that sort of conversation would be for them. No, I wouldn't get upset at them. Some

People feel that they need to go around and be the justice police. Others feel it is better to keep to their own. I am not talking about them knowing for a

Fact or covering for him. Just suspecting.

 

Specially if their suspecting was based only on a gut feeling.

 

No one knew about my affair for a fact. The people who may have suspected left well enough alone because they didn't know. And if they were wrong they could have been labeled troublemakers.

 

Also, a lot of people will no their heads and say "I saw that coming" or "I totally knew he was ________," when the fact is before the truth came out they didn't really know and may have obly had a passing "hmmmmm" moment.

[Confused48]

Do her parents and her friend know about her affair now?

 

If so, ask them directly if they knew about it before. If the answer is yes, ask them why they didn't say anything.

 

If the answer is yes, cut them out of your life to the extent possible. Don't deprive your kids of their grandparents, but your kids don't need the kind of example and logic that they are likely to use. Grandparents can provide great moral guidance to your children, but defective ones can also do great harm and teach your children that it's OK to lie or cheat for their own benefit. In any event, you don't have to spend any time with them other than for the kids' sake.

 

As for the friend, if the answer is yes, cut her out completely. No need for you or your wife to ever have any contact with her again. An unfortunate byproduct of your wife's affair - she can give up you or give up her friend.

 

I don't really know what they knew about the A. I can tell you WS says they only have reason to suspect. WS says they in fact did not know. I think WS is telling me the truth about this but it could be minimizing. I think WS is telling the truth about what they knew, it makes sense b/c WS is ashamed and for the most part does not want anyone to know. Parents included.

 

WS told one friend after the A was over and told me that the friend now knew. So I assume if the friend in question knew for sure about the A then WS would tell me that. I any event I would not make WS cut this person out of WS life. It is a good person. Maybe not a great thing to suspect shenanigans and not give me a heads up. Maybe I want to say I know you knew about this but I would not want WS to cut this person out.

[compulsivedancer]

When my sister's ex-husband was cheating on her, I was told by my sister-in-law. She said she suspected, and then later said he told her. It seemed possible, but I have sometimes gotten incorrect information from her, and she likes to make a big deal out of small facts (she gossips, and she's not always accurate!) Without any confirmation, I didn't want to go to my sister and start something. My sister would NOT have appreciated it if I'd come to her with rumors. She may have even been angry at me and not believed me, even if I had had my own concerns. I couldn't go to her with second-hand guesses.

 

I did encourage my sister-in-law to talk to her. I don't know if she ever did. My sister does know why he left, but she is very tight-lipped, so it's unclear how much she knows (we are not close).

[2sunny]

Simply ask them if they knew.

[compulsivedancer]

After my A, several people told H they had suspected or had concerns (including his 19-year-old brother), but they all said they trusted his judgment. He knew I was spending a lot of time alone with AP at his house, but he trusted both of us, and everyone thought that if he trusted us, nothing was going on. H told me later that it was obvious, but he didn't trust his gut because he had blind faith in both of us.

[Confused48]

Personally I would not impose the burden of disclosure on anyone other than your WS. Considering the immeasurable pain this disclosure causes you, why would any decent person wish to be part of that? They did nothing to create the condition. I would tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and frankly I would question their motive if they had disclosed it to you. Affairs are just really, really bad. Always. Everywhere, and for everyone who has a stake no matter how small. I am afraid there is no wisdom or explanation beyond that fact.

 

I can certainly see the difficulty of telling someone you suspect there is improper behavior. It would be very difficult. I can forgive them for not having the strength to do it.

 

I disagree though that it was the right thing to do. A heads up might have blow up the A sooner. Would not have prevented it but it might have brought it to light and ended it before it got worse. Which would have been good, not just for me, but for WS and for our children.

 

So now that I say that I realise I think they were being bad parents and bad grandparents to suspect and not say anything.

[Confused48]

After my A, several people told H they had suspected or had concerns (including his 19-year-old brother), but they all said they trusted his judgment. He knew I was spending a lot of time alone with AP at his house, but he trusted both of us, and everyone thought that if he trusted us, nothing was going on. H told me later that it was obvious, but he didn't trust his gut because he had blind faith in both of us.

 

This makes sense to me. I mean heck, I saw things amiss with WS and the AP. I already had suspicions of my own. I trusted that WS would NEVER do that. Maybe they did too. I'm sure WS gave them the same smoke screen that I got.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I don't really know what they knew about the A. I can tell you WS says they only have reason to suspect. WS says they in fact did not know. I think WS is telling me the truth about this but it could be minimizing. I think WS is telling the truth about what they knew, it makes sense b/c WS is ashamed and for the most part does not want anyone to know. Parents included.

 

WS told one friend after the A was over and told me that the friend now knew. So I assume if the friend in question knew for sure about the A then WS would tell me that. I any event I would not make WS cut this person out of WS life. It is a good person. Maybe not a great thing to suspect shenanigans and not give me a heads up. Maybe I want to say I know you knew about this but I would not want WS to cut this person out.

 

Suspecting is different than knowing. If they knew, if they were told, if they discovered and tried to talk her out of it would be a lot different than saying nothing or encouraging it or even covering for her.

 

Still, if they suspected and said nothing - DID NOTHING - not a good person in my opinion. To let your daughter or your friend go down that path and just remain silent, I cannot say that is what a good parent or a good friend would do.

 

What would you do if you suspected - or knew - your friend was in an affair? What would you do if you suspected - or knew - your son/daughter was in an affair (if they're not old enough, project out what you think you would do)? Use that yardstick to judge their actions.

[Confused48]

Suspecting is different than knowing. If they knew, if they were told, if they discovered and tried to talk her out of it would be a lot different than saying nothing or encouraging it or even covering for her.

 

Still, if they suspected and said nothing - DID NOTHING - not a good person in my opinion. To let your daughter or your friend go down that path and just remain silent, I cannot say that is what a good parent or a good friend would do.

 

What would you do if you suspected - or knew - your friend was in an affair? What would you do if you suspected - or knew - your son/daughter was in an affair (if they're not old enough, project out what you think you would do)? Use that yardstick to judge their actions.

 

I think I would go first to the person I suspected was having the affair. If that is what happened then WS would have easily been able to fool them into thinking it was nothing. I believed it myself.

[Confused48]

The one parent always gave WS anything and everything WS wanted. Very little discipline either. So that parent would never tell me anything WS didn't want me to know.

 

The other parent was the disciplinarian. But also a WS. And very tight lipped. I could see this parent, even if not a WS, just never talking about it. I know this parent's personality is one of just being silent about anyone else's business. To the extreme. I could see this parent being silent even if it would help to talk just b/c this one does not talk about other peoples problems.

[2sunny]

The one parent always gave WS anything and everything WS wanted. Very little discipline either. So that parent would never tell me anything WS didn't want me to know.

 

The other parent was the disciplinarian. But also a WS. And very tight lipped. I could see this parent, even if not a WS, just never talking about it. I know this parent's personality is one of just being silent about anyone else's business. To the extreme. I could see this parent being silent even if it would help to talk just b/c this one does not talk about other peoples problems.

 

And there - you have your answer.

[waterwoman]

No-one 'knew' but I think some people had suspicions. But IMO suspicions wouldn't be enough to say anything. Funny thing is even a year later I am still finding out how many people had 'heard something'. I guess in the past I have 'heard something' about people I vaguely knew, but wouldn't have known whether it was just gossip.

[beatcuff]

...The people that this bothers me the most with is WS's parents... As I said they knew or had good reason to suspect something was up with WS.

 

you are being unfair if they tell and you leave, he hates them for destroying M: they are in a lose, lose. they tell and they are wrong: again lose, lose.

 

...Not bothering me as much is a friend of WS. We have friends that I would consider to be our mutual friends. This one is not. It is really just WS's friend. Same sex person. The person is always very nice to me and I like the person but have very little interaction with the person. So I think in this case it would be almost inappropriate for the person to have told me that something was up. I guess. Now that I say that though I wonder. Maybe I'm going to easy on this person.

 

again what would his friend gain. nothing, he would lose a friend.

 

the troubling part is you think THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. what if they like you saw several 'things' that at the time and individually are unremarkable, but now they know --- it all adds up (a/k/a how stupid was i not to see it).

 

you are lashing out at the wrong people.

[dichotomy]

Part of no contact, included a friend who not only knew, but supported it.

 

There is no place in our marriage for these types of folks.

[Betterthanthis13]

I have only known one person who ever cheated on her husband. Her husband was abusive physically and I had been trying to help her leave him since I found out about that. We worked together. She was scared he was going to kill her if she left, or do something to her children. He was not abusive to the childern.

 

The "cheating" was making out with a guy in a basement at a Xmas party. She finally left her husband that January. I areanged for a uHaul and helped her move. It never occurred to me to tell her she needed to tell him about kissing the other guy, but it was for her own safety, not for any other reason.

 

So maybe I just live under a rock, in La-La land. Maybe I come across as a person nobody would ever confide in about their infidelity. Maybe I naturally steer away from people who are having affairs? Or maybe I am blind. I just haven't been around cheating all that much, up until this fiasco with my current situation. Now I see it everywhere.

 

In college, my roomates boyfriend was cheating on her. But he was always cheating on her, everyone knew, she knew, I knew, it was common knowledge- we all worked together at a restaurant. She didnt care. I don't know why she didn't care, I didn't think much about it, we were busy with college and partying- I didn't like him very much and didnt hide the fact that I didn't like him. I never saw him with another girl. My boyfriend wouldn't hang out with him because he said "he's a scumbag". And that was that. Scumbag and my roommate broke up after college, and my roomate got married to a great guy and they have been married forever. We are still great friends. Now if HE cheated on her, I would die of a heart attack. If I somehow learned her husband was cheating, you can bet your last dollar I would tell her! How could I not? At the very least, I would call his sorry ass up and tell him he better come clean immediately before I tell her.

They don't even live in my state. I wouldn't even think twice about it.

 

But I read on LS all the time that a lot of people think that is wrong, that you shouldn't tell?? What on earth? I wouldn't be able to sleep ever again knowing someone I care about was living a lie and possible getting exposed to HIV on a regular basis, and I was now a silent accomplice to this. I don't know how people live with themselves, I really don't. The truth is the truth, reality is reality, it's not my job or anyone else's job to shield other people from reality.

[Confused48]

Part of no contact, included a friend who not only knew, but supported it.

 

There is no place in our marriage for these types of folks.

 

I guess I am fortunate that is not what happened. No one knew for sure. And no one supported it, i.e: lied for WS or covered up for WS. That would be something that would make me go NC.

[MissBee]

I recently have been thinking about the fact that some people either knew about the A or had good reason to suspect something improper was going on and they said nothing to me about it. I'm not sure what to think about that. Or whether or not to discuss it with them or just put it on the pile of disgusting things that happen during an A that I have to look the other way at.

 

The people that this bothers me the most with is WS's parents.

 

Background: there was infidelity in their marriage. They did not D right away but did a few years later. As I said they knew or had good reason to suspect something was up with WS.

 

The reason it bugs me is they seem to be close to me. But I guess of course, it's their kid. So not that close. I just think a heads up would be appropriate. Maybe that is too much to expect though. What do you think?

 

Not bothering me as much is a friend of WS. We have friends that I would consider to be our mutual friends. This one is not. It is really just WS's friend. Same sex person. The person is always very nice to me and I like the person but have very little interaction with the person. So I think in this case it would be almost inappropriate for the person to have told me that something was up. I guess. Now that I say that though I wonder. Maybe I'm going to easy on this person.

 

 

I think it may be awkward for people to tell on suspicion only. They probably weigh the pros and cons, you being upset and them possibly being wrong.

 

If they know for a fact...then that's a bit different. But even so, it comes down to how close you guys are, which will weigh into whether or not they feel it's their place.

 

One thing I have seen OW say is that they wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't support them in their affair...and I always think, you know what, affairs put EVERYONE in an awkward position. If your children find out before you, they feel awkward and may not know how to address it and may feel they have to pick sides and may freeze, if mutual friends find out, they don't know what to do and if they should speak to WS, tell BS, and if so how? Parents finding out about their kids, should they speak to their child only if the child is the WS or speak to the BS? Such clandestine relationships truly do put everyone in an awkward position.

 

I really hope never to have to be in that position, but whether or not I tell or how will be dependent on my relationship/closeness to those involved as well as the proof I have. If I just suspect...I truthfully would feel weird about making that known. If I had irrefutable evidence, I'd feel better. If it were my sister or bestfriends, I would have no qualms about telling, people less close to me...it's trickier.

 

If my friends suspected an A but didn't have proof and if a dday occurred and they said they suspected but weren't sure, I'd personally understand why they probably didn't want to mention it. If they said, "I saw your H and his OW kissing in his car" and they didn't say anything...I'd be more upset about it.With in-laws...if I find out they spoke to their son about it and told him to stop, they told him they were not gonna cover for him or be part of it and if he didn't stop they'd tell me, I'd have more understanding of it vs. me finding out he brought the OW around them or they just turned a blind eye to it and said nothing and just allowed him to do it under their nose.

Edited August 5, 2013 by MissBee

[Betterthanthis13]

The suspected affair thing....

 

Isn't there a way to give that information to the friend in question in an innocent way, without sticking your nose all up into other people's business? Instead of telling your friend, "I suspect your husband is having an affair because I saw him at the mall with a strange woman, and then at a restaurant with the same woman making googly eyes and when he saw me he looked really guilty"

 

Couldn't you just ask "who is Jim's new friend I keep seeing him with? That blond lady, i think they work together. I saw them at the Cheesecake Factory on Thursday and didnt get a chance to say hello, she had a really nice handbag and I was wondering where she got it from. Can you ask him to ask her for me?"

 

Or something like that. Or is that considered inappropriate as well?

[MissBee]

The suspected affair thing....

 

Isn't there a way to give that information to the friend in question in an innocent way, without sticking your nose all up into other people's business? Instead of telling your friend, "I suspect your husband is having an affair because I saw him at the mall with a strange woman, and then at a restaurant with the same woman making googly eyes and when he saw me he looked really guilty"

 

Couldn't you just ask "who is Jim's new friend I keep seeing him with? That blond lady, i think they work together. I saw them at the Cheesecake Factory on Thursday and didnt get a chance to say hello, she had a really nice handbag and I was wondering where she got it from. Can you ask him to ask her for me?"

 

Or something like that. Or is that considered inappropriate as well?

 

I think in that case I'd go up to Jim and say hi, so he'd know I saw him, and that way if I said that to his wife, it would seem normal, like I saw him out, didn't assume he was having an affair, so said hello, and mentioned to her I saw him. Where she takes it from there, would be on her, and I think that would allow it to catch up to him.