LittleLeg Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I have this friend who is absolutely amazing. I have the best time with him. We have so many of the same interests and values. We get along with each others friends. We can talk to each other about anything, and I can trust him. He is also so kind and caring towards me. He is head over heels about me, but the problem is, I'm not sexually attracted to him. We kissed the other night for the first time and I found it a bit strange and awkward. I've told him exactly how I feel and said I'm willing to give it a shot and see if the attraction grows, but I don't know if it will or if there's anything I can do to help it along. I'd like to hear if anyone else has any similar experience or advice to give. I just think it would be such a shame to let someone so perfect for me go to someone else.
Babolat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I have this friend who is absolutely amazing. I have the best time with him. We have so many of the same interests and values. We get along with each others friends. We can talk to each other about anything, and I can trust him. He is also so kind and caring towards me. He is head over heels about me, but the problem is, I'm not sexually attracted to him. We kissed the other night for the first time and I found it a bit strange and awkward. I've told him exactly how I feel and said I'm willing to give it a shot and see if the attraction grows, but I don't know if it will or if there's anything I can do to help it along. I'd like to hear if anyone else has any similar experience or advice to give. I just think it would be such a shame to let someone so perfect for me go to someone else. How is he your "friend" if he is head over heal about you? That is the part of male/female friends that urks me..where the woman contine to say "he likes me, I don't like him that way". Then cut him lose as a friend...you are being selfish IMHO. One of my female bfs has a male bf she has known for 10+ years. They do a lot together. She recently said "I wish I was attracted to him as we have so much fun together". She's not, it's pretty simple. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I think it can grow yes, but you would generally have an idea about that when you first kiss. If it feels awkward then it probably isn't going to grow, in my experience.
ses Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I read an article recently that women have greater levels of erotic plasticity than men. Sexual attraction can grow, but I really think it depends on the person. Many people start out as platonic friends, and one day view the other individual from a different perspective; others feel the chemistry from the get-go and try to be friends to get to know someone better as a potential romantic interest. Honestly, if the first kiss was awkward and lacked chemistry, then it's best to not force something concrete. Some people are better off as friends without the added complication of romantic entanglements. Going off on a little tangent I had a gay male best friend who was cute, smart, charming and intelligent, but I accepted early on nothing romantic would ever result from it, and I benefited greatly from the friendship. Be thankful that you found a genuine friend. Let him down gently, and let yourself acknowledge that you're really not feeling "it." See if you can remain friends. If it's too difficult for y'all I would give him some space and just see where things go from there. 1
Author LittleLeg Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 How is he your "friend" if he is head over heal about you? That is the part of male/female friends that urks me..where the woman contine to say "he likes me, I don't like him that way". Then cut him lose as a friend...you are being selfish IMHO. One of my female bfs has a male bf she has known for 10+ years. They do a lot together. She recently said "I wish I was attracted to him as we have so much fun together". She's not, it's pretty simple. He is my friend because he chooses to be my friend. Why would I stop being his friend if he doesn't want to stop being mine? He can make his own decisions. If at any point he decides he can't deal with being my friend then that's something I'll have to accept, but I certainly wouldn't just throw away the chance to have a great friendship just because someone has feelings for me. I've dated people I really liked before and it didn't go anywhere because they weren't that into it, and it's something I just had to accept. I chose to deal with the situation and remain friends, and now there are no more feelings, plus I have a good friend. Not everything is so cut and dry as you make it out to be. 1
Lansing Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 What was awkward about the first kiss? Maybe he is inexperienced or was just nervous because he had built that moment up in his head so much? Were you guys drinking? Maybe he was sloppy because he was drunk? I would say give it another chance and see if the chemistry is there but I wouldn' force it like others have said. I have had a few situations where I have dated "friends" after knowing them for a while and the first time in particular teh transition was a bit awkward mainly because I was inexperienced at the time but it turned out to be worth it (well, at least for a year until we broke up )... In another situation I was attracted to a girl initially but she had just gotten out of a relationship so we became friends. After 2 years she told me she had this huge crush on me, etc but by that point I wasn't attracted to her romantically anymore but still enjoyed her friendship. Well, she basically ended up ditching me as a friend and that hurt...
Author LittleLeg Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I read an article recently that women have greater levels of erotic plasticity than men. Sexual attraction can grow, but I really think it depends on the person. Many people start out as platonic friends, and one day view the other individual from a different perspective; others feel the chemistry from the get-go and try to be friends to get to know someone better as a potential romantic interest. Honestly, if the first kiss was awkward and lacked chemistry, then it's best to not force something concrete. Some people are better off as friends without the added complication of romantic entanglements. Going off on a little tangent I had a gay male best friend who was cute, smart, charming and intelligent, but I accepted early on nothing romantic would ever result from it, and I benefited greatly from the friendship. Be thankful that you found a genuine friend. Let him down gently, and let yourself acknowledge that you're really not feeling "it." See if you can remain friends. If it's too difficult for y'all I would give him some space and just see where things go from there. We'll you see he's definitely grown on me since I've known him, to the point where I do want to be affectionate with him. I just haven't gotten to the point where I want to take his clothes off. You may be right though. If the kiss was awkward I suppose it could be a sign that there's just no chemistry.
kaylan Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I have this friend who is absolutely amazing. I have the best time with him. We have so many of the same interests and values. We get along with each others friends. We can talk to each other about anything, and I can trust him. He is also so kind and caring towards me. He is head over heels about me, but the problem is, I'm not sexually attracted to him. We kissed the other night for the first time and I found it a bit strange and awkward. I've told him exactly how I feel and said I'm willing to give it a shot and see if the attraction grows, but I don't know if it will or if there's anything I can do to help it along. I'd like to hear if anyone else has any similar experience or advice to give. I just think it would be such a shame to let someone so perfect for me go to someone else.Sexual attraction can not increase if there was none there to begin with. Dont settle. Find a guy you click with and that you are also attracted to.
BluEyeL Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 It can grow. I wasn't particulary attracted to my ex husband when we first met, but we've been together 20yrs and had a great sex life till the end. Never died, never changed throughout marriage. It grows with emotional intimacy if there is no outright repulsion. 1
Author LittleLeg Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 What was awkward about the first kiss? Maybe he is inexperienced or was just nervous because he had built that moment up in his head so much? Were you guys drinking? Maybe he was sloppy because he was drunk? I would say give it another chance and see if the chemistry is there but I wouldn' force it like others have said. I have had a few situations where I have dated "friends" after knowing them for a while and the first time in particular teh transition was a bit awkward mainly because I was inexperienced at the time but it turned out to be worth it (well, at least for a year until we broke up )... In another situation I was attracted to a girl initially but she had just gotten out of a relationship so we became friends. After 2 years she told me she had this huge crush on me, etc but by that point I wasn't attracted to her romantically anymore but still enjoyed her friendship. Well, she basically ended up ditching me as a friend and that hurt... Well to be honest, the first kiss wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the best kiss I'd ever had. We were drunk at the time. I think what bothered me most was his breath. The first sober kiss was awkward because I was thinking about the attraction issue, which I hadn't spoken to him about yet, and again his breath wasn't very nice. Also, he's not very smooth (not sure if that's the best way to describe it). I feel like the breath thing and the smoothness are things that can be worked on, though I'm not really sure.
Weezy1973 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Well to be honest, the first kiss wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the best kiss I'd ever had. We were drunk at the time. I think what bothered me most was his breath. The first sober kiss was awkward because I was thinking about the attraction issue, which I hadn't spoken to him about yet, and again his breath wasn't very nice. Also, he's not very smooth (not sure if that's the best way to describe it). I feel like the breath thing and the smoothness are things that can be worked on, though I'm not really sure. Yes, both of those things can definitely be worked on. He probably isn't all that smooth because he's nervous. The should get better as he gets more comfortable with you. If he's not aware of his bad breath bring it up. Keep it light and don't criticize him, just mention you really like kissing him, but his breath can be distracting. Then offer him a delicious mint.
Babolat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 He is my friend because he chooses to be my friend. Why would I stop being his friend if he doesn't want to stop being mine? He can make his own decisions. If at any point he decides he can't deal with being my friend then that's something I'll have to accept, but I certainly wouldn't just throw away the chance to have a great friendship just because someone has feelings for me. I've dated people I really liked before and it didn't go anywhere because they weren't that into it, and it's something I just had to accept. I chose to deal with the situation and remain friends, and now there are no more feelings, plus I have a good friend. Not everything is so cut and dry as you make it out to be. It IS that cut and dry when emotions and feelings are being tossed around. You know this man has other interests and YOU chose to hang around...selfish IMHO. Yeah, but knowing he has other interests in you, and you still chosing to be his friend, to me is simply not right. I recently tried to be friends with a woman who was making it clear she had other interests. I repeatedly gave her the option to just be friends, told her I did not wnbat to date..she agreed, than days later would push for m ore again. I ended the friendship as I was not being fair to he r or myself. . Think about, you know this man wants more than a friendship, so is it really truly a balanced and fair friendship?
Babolat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Well to be honest, the first kiss wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the best kiss I'd ever had. We were drunk at the time. I think what bothered me most was his breath. The first sober kiss was awkward because I was thinking about the attraction issue, which I hadn't spoken to him about yet, and again his breath wasn't very nice. Also, he's not very smooth (not sure if that's the best way to describe it). I feel like the breath thing and the smoothness are things that can be worked on, though I'm not really sure. And yet another drunk kiss encounter... No disrepect at all, the signs are there IMHO, leave this man alone.
kaylan Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 It can grow. I wasn't particulary attracted to my ex husband when we first met, but we've been together 20yrs and had a great sex life till the end. Never died, never changed throughout marriage. It grows with emotional intimacy if there is no outright repulsion. Thats different though. There was at least some attraction. OP has no attraction to the dude and was drunk as well. I think she needs to cut him loose. 1
ThaWholigan Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 For some people, it can. If you have a pattern of having growing sexual attraction then it's a go. But if you generally don't tend to do so, then it probably is difficult.
hppr Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Yes it can, especially for women. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it. As far as kissing, attraction... If the guy is inexperienced, not a lot of confidence, no idea how to dress then yeah he's gonna be a bad kisser, no real attraction, whatever. However with time a guy like that can learn those things, get some confidence, style, and then suddenly he's a lot more attractive. Really no different than a guy who dates a 'Plain Jane' type of girl and then gives her lots of encouragement, confidence...tells her it's okay to wear that dress and those heels, who gives a **** if people are staring they are doing it because you look GREAT, etc. You see, some people want the complete package while others see the true beauty inside and help to bring it out.
kaylan Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) Yes it can, especially for women. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it. As far as kissing, attraction... If the guy is inexperienced, not a lot of confidence, no idea how to dress then yeah he's gonna be a bad kisser, no real attraction, whatever. However with time a guy like that can learn those things, get some confidence, style, and then suddenly he's a lot more attractive. Really no different than a guy who dates a 'Plain Jane' type of girl and then gives her lots of encouragement, confidence...tells her it's okay to wear that dress and those heels, who gives a **** if people are staring they are doing it because you look GREAT, etc. You see, some people want the complete package while others see the true beauty inside and help to bring it out. Full of it? Ok, Ill wait for the other experienced women on this forum to confirm what I said last page. Nevermind the countless real life examples and threads on this forum of men and women who settled on relationships with someone they werent attracted to in the beginning....only to have the attraction never grow and heartbreak ensue when they finally end the unfulfilling relationship. hppr, what you are describing is a person becoming a totally different person than who they are in order to become attractive to someone who wasnt originally into them. OP doesnt want her guy to change. They click very well. If theres no sexual attraction, he cant really change that. Lets be real, homeboy is dead in the water. His kissing and confidence is only a small part of it. I bet OP isnt really physically attracted to his looks either. She shouldnt waste his time. I wouldnt encourage that. Edited August 5, 2013 by kaylan 1
Recommended Posts