Husband leaving me after 8 yrs married

[gerbera05]

I'm 29, and my husband just announced 2 weeks ago that he wants to separate and isn't in love with me anymore.

 

We've been together 12 years -- married for 8. We've had our ups and downs -- and although more downs lately, even a few weeks ago we were going on dates, flirting, doing sweet things for one another, telling each other how much we we loved one another. I know our downs are a lot of times cause by me... I have a temper and can get hysterical when we argue. I started going to therapy about a month ago, so I've definitely recognized the issue and want to change.

 

He told me he loves me but isn't "in love" with me, still wants to be my best friend, but doesn't feel the same as me and doesn't feel like we are good for one another any more.

 

I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life. I feel like all of our friends were our friends together -- that I can't confide in. Plus, I recently had a falling out with my two best friends. Every time I think of imagining a life without him, I sob terribly and can't function.

 

I know we have made each other so happy, and deep down I think I'm still telling myself that he loves me the way I love him. I just don't want to let go. Don't know how to let go, I guess. I grew up with him -- we started dating so young, and he's been my rock through everything. The one person I've confided in, trusted, and always made up with for 12 yrs. I can't say that about anyone else. I know that's probably why he says he still wants to be best friends, but it's so hard for me... because I know I'm just hoping that he'll change his mind, remember what a wonderful life we had.

 

Does it ever get easier?

[Amz170234]

That sounds so awful and I can feel the upset through your post. The answer is, yes it will get easier. I can promise that. But the good thing about us humans is that we adapt a lot quicker than we realise. The first few weeks will seem like hell without him, but quicker than you realise you'll slowly start to rebuild a life for yourself. Of course that doesn't make anything better right now, because there is a chance that this could be a temporary glitch? and your husband could completely regret what he has said and change his mind after some space and time to think. Personally I think it's sad that his feelings have fizzled away especially after so long, and you are big enough to admit that you may have been some cause to some tension in the relationship, but do not take full responsibility for the break down as it does take two to make a relationship work. Truth is, he is not strong enough to stand by you regardless of what you say or do. People fight, it's natural. There WILL be times when you feel like giving up, or strangling eachother, What happened to for better for worse? I guess 12 years is a very long time and what I will say is that it's just very unfortunate, as I want to believe that true love lasts forever. But once again I am very sorry, and if this doesn't work out the way you want it, then you should know that you are going to be ok. And that is a promise,

[Amz170234]

I apologise some of that post may not make sense as my iPad likes to make up its own sentences.

[TaraMaiden]

gerbera05 I hate to break it to you, but you cannot be 'his friend' and he certainly cannot be yours, while your heart and life are in tattered pieces and shattered.

 

You CANNOT be his friend because you still have your whole heart & soul invested in him, and the thought of merely being a friend is incomprehensible, and impossible while this is still so fresh.

 

He CANNOT be your friend because in fact, this is merely a way of relieving his guilt and making himself feel better about leaving you.

At least he can be your friend, surely that will soften the blow, and it will be for his emotional benefit and advantage, not yours. If he sees you're willing to settle for just being a 'mere friend' after all this time, well then, surely, you must be ok with that - mustn't you....??

 

No.

Not so.

And he has no right to expect or suggest it, and you must resist this with every fibre of your being.

 

Besides, there is the very real danger of you and he having 'pity-sex', if you remain in touch.

You will want to be with him,and he will have sex with you 'for old times' sake, and to make you feel better.

 

No.

If he wants out - then sadly, you'll have to give him 'out' but tell him there is no turning back. This is it.

Until such a time as you both feel comfortable and relaxed, in fact, indifferent to the thought and actual image of the other in the arms of another - then this has to be a separation in all senses of the word.

 

It's harsh - but he can't cut this off little bit by little bit.

 

This just tortures you over and over again.

 

And you don't deserve that cruelty piled on top of the sadness.

[RightThere]

Has your husband moved out or have either of you brought up counseling?

 

If he's moved on, then I'm sorry to hear it. If you check the sticky, I would recommend using the "180 Approach". It's very difficult, but will help keep you occupied and moving your life forward.