How to fit dating into a crazy busy work schedule...

[Atem]

Hey the LoveShack-ers!

 

Been reading in silence on here for a few days and some of you guys have posted some pretty good dating advice/experience stuff on here.

 

I've a quick question to all of you about how to best fit dating into a crazy busy work schedule.

 

A little bit about me up-front:

- male, 28

- originally from EU but now live in one of the largest US metro areas

- work as a consultant (which happens to be the problem)

- make pretty good income, so no worries on that front

- look pretty good (based on outside feedback and "objective" self-assessment)

- never had, nor have, trouble finding dates

 

Now, I like my job but its downside is that I'm traveling a lot and, once combined with my duties as President of a local non-profit, this leads to a pretty packed schedule which has been a problem lately as I'd like to get a GF but can't seem to figure out how to do it.

 

Here's how things usually go (I'll give you a case study as well):

- meet girl and have great time on date 1

- have 2-3 more dates in following 2 weeks

- text somewhat frequently during that time period (and develop a few inside jokes)

- then my schedule usually kicks in and things fizzle away...

 

Case Study:

 

Met a cute girl 4 weeks ago. Date 1 went super-well (coffee/chat/walk), date 2 went even better (museum/dinner/walk) and date 3 went even better than that (workout/kissing at my place). Our final date (2 weeks ago) was a movie and then some fun at my place again. No sex yet but lets just say I'm pretty good w. my hands...

 

All of this happened within the first 2 weeks and she was really into me - texting me after every date, asking for the next one, barely keeping her hands off of me and even researching some stuff that I told her about EU.

 

So, at the end of date 4 she gets a little weird and starts babbling about how she usually doesn't go this far with a guy too early and how she doesn't want to get too close to me too fast - the obvious I'm not slut panic, which I diffused so we were fine.

 

After this she went away for a week. Day after she came back (Sunday) I ping her and we're all gung ho about meeting. She suggested meeting on that very same day but then had a conflict so she suggested Tue. Prob is that on Tue. I had a conflict so I asked for Wed. Then she had a conflict on Wed. Sat. didn't work out on her end and Sun. evening didn't work out on my end either... you see where this is going -_-

 

Now, I should probly mention that she didn't tell me about the wed. cancellation until the morning of because she was waiting to see whether she'd be busy or not w. class. To that I asked her to send me an update beforehand saying that the meeting is still pending given that I've a tight schedule. Her response was that I can fill that time slot with one of my "other girls". Not sure where that cam from but I diffused it.

 

So anyway, long story short - its Monday now and I'll be busy until next Wed. (i.e. next 10 days). I'd like to see this girl again but the prob is that she doesn't seem as into it as in the beginning - i.e. she's withdrawing given that we cant get a goddamn 5th date on the books...

 

Now, what do you guys think? Did this one fizzle away already or should I try to revive it by sending her a message in a few days to ask her out for after I get back?

 

Also, more broadly speaking - how do I avoid stuff like this from happening? The out-of-sight-out-of-mind problem is fairly big on my end given that I sometimes can't see the girls I'm dating for weeks on end...

 

Is more frequent texting the solutions (haven't done that bc it may come across as overly clingy and its not my nature)?

 

Thanks guys.

 

VL

[Philosoraptor]

Is more frequent texting the solutions (haven't done that bc it may come across as overly clingy and its not my nature)?

If you have a crazy schedule then more communication in general is needed if you are trying to get more serious with someone. More communication would generally allow most people to be more patient with your work schedule, as you could continue to get to know one another over other mediums.

[Atem]

If you have a crazy schedule then more communication in general is needed if you are trying to get more serious with someone. More communication would generally allow most people to be more patient with your work schedule, as you could continue to get to know one another over other mediums.

 

Makes sense.

 

This may be a silly question but how should I go about it?

 

The reason why I haven't tried more frequent texting is because I don't want to come across as a pursuer (which is when quite a few women switch into hard to get mode). At the same time, I get your point about needing to keep contact up to avoid letting the goodwill from the nice early dates fizzle away...

 

Lets take to the case study again since this could be a great test case:

 

Last time we had a text exchange on Sat. - I pinged her and asked if she wants to see me before I leave. She said sure. Problem is that I only had time for a lunch on Sat. and she was hanging with a friend at that time. So basically I told her that I'd be out for most of the next 10 or so days to which she said no worries.

 

So I did make an effort to try to see her but, again, schedules didn't allow for it.

 

Now, we've both been quiet since then.

 

what do you suggest now - break the silence/wait longer/just let this one go since its lost?

[the_entertainer1]

I think you should break the silence and contact her. If you really like her and think that you guys have potential, then you shouldn't let a busy schedule get in your way!

 

Also, I noticed your comment about not wanting to be the 'pursuer'. For the record, as a woman I can say that I like being pursued. I think the 'hard to get mode' you speak of is a big generalisation. Basically, if I don't feel like a guy is pursuing me - that's what turns me off. And if a girl does play hard to get? It's because she wants you to chase her!

[Philosoraptor]

This may be a silly question but how should I go about it?

Just talk naturally as you would with anyone else. You're a consultant so you obviously have social skills. Just chat normally.

 

The reason why I haven't tried more frequent texting is because I don't want to come across as a pursuer (which is when quite a few women switch into hard to get mode). At the same time, I get your point about needing to keep contact up to avoid letting the goodwill from the nice early dates fizzle away...

And if they play hard to get then you know what level of maturity you are dealing with. You shouldn't base your actions off of the assumed reactions of others. When someone wants to get to know someone, they make an effort to do so.

 

what do you suggest now - break the silence/wait longer/just let this one go since its lost?

Yes, just start communicating. Start by asking her how she's been/how her day was/etc. then let it naturally evolve into a conversation.

 

Playing the waiting game, contact game, hard to get game, or any other game is just going to leave you just where you are... confused and not getting to know this gal any better. It's better to be direct and get your answers faster (to not waste your time), and a mature person would respond well to your direct and no game attitude.

[Atem]

@ Philosoraptor

 

Gotcha - so basically just normal chatter and depending on whether she responds and, if so, her level of conveyed interest, make the decision to move forward or break it off?

 

the reason for this potentially dumb question is that I usually don't text much. I prefer to talk in person with friends and the girls I go out with, so I usually use texts just to set meeting times. Looks like I'll now need to use them for more than that. My problem with this is that I can't read a person from a text - so, even if a text is well-intentioned, it can come across as dis-interested. Guess I shouldn't start interpreting too much but just go ahead with it, right?

 

So a ping later this afternoon after my meetings in NY would be appropriate then given that we haven't talked since Sunday?

 

PS: thanks for the input!

 

@ the Entertainer

 

Gotcha. I've no problem to pursue a woman if she gives off the vibe that she's interested, which I can judge fairly well in person. Over texts, however, I can't really, which is why I feel a little shaky about this. Will definitely give it a shot though and see what happens.

 

By the way - how can I judge the girl's "response" over texts - i.e. how can I figure out whether she's into me or just nice? Again - usually pretty obvious in person, but over texts, I feel a bit blind.

 

Also - thanks for the input.

[Philosoraptor]

Well your problem looks to be that you are overthinking things. Stop that as all it will do is leave you more and more confused.

 

Just trust your feelings and go from there. If you feel like contacting her, then do so. Don't think about what her reaction will be, just trust that you are doing what you want to do.

 

The best way to attract the most compatible people into your life is to just be yourself and do what feels natural. Drop the games and the worries, and just put yourself out there. You've got nothing to lose by doing so, and you'll either gain a compatible person in your life or more free time to pursue someone else as the incompatibilies will show faster and you won't waste as much time.

[Atem]

Well your problem looks to be that you are overthinking things. Stop that as all it will do is leave you more and more confused.

 

Just trust your feelings and go from there. If you feel like contacting her, then do so. Don't think about what her reaction will be, just trust that you are doing what you want to do.

 

The best way to attract the most compatible people into your life is to just be yourself and do what feels natural. Drop the games and the worries, and just put yourself out there. You've got nothing to lose by doing so, and you'll either gain a compatible person in your life or more free time to pursue someone else as the incompatibilies will show faster and you won't waste as much time.

 

You're absolutely right - I'm totally overthinking this and it hasn't even gone sour yet (i.e. still talk to that girl...).

 

I'll stop overanalyzing and ping her later today.

Let's see how that goes.

 

Thanks

[StanMusial]

You sound like me 10 years ago.

 

The only thing that I found that worked, was to find a girl who is also busy. Someone who has a life and career of her own. Not only will she be more understanding, she also won't have time to be all up in your grill about trivial things.

 

Probably the most practical advice you will get on the topic.

 

You're welcome.

[Atem]

yup - trying, trying ^^

 

Appreciate the feedback everyone.

[jphcbpa]

I think you think too much.

 

If you like her, get in touch with her. communicate!!!

[Atem]

Well, here's an update.

 

The communication piece worked and I'm glad that I did it - however, not because it got me the girl but because it saved me from a whole lot of disappointment down the road.

 

So, in short, I did communicate and it worked for about 1 day.

 

Then it went down to 1 txt/day since her response timing went to 5+ hours.

 

I then asked her out for this Friday, which she kindly declined saying that she has a trip to the beach planned.

 

Since this was the 3rd time that she's declined an invite from me within a 2-week time frame and since she did not initiate any contact since after our last date, I told her that I won't be calling anymore and will leave it at that.

 

Not sure why this happened - again, the girl used to be all over me until our last date after which she said that she doesn't want to get too close to me too soon (we made it into bed and did everything but have sex).

 

No clue why it fizzled afterwards but hey - as they say: next!

 

It's a shame though - the first 4 dates went really well, so for a moment I thought that I had gotten lucky with this one