Morgued Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) So I had just recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship with a girl I worked with (she left the workplace due to personal/medical reasons). She was 29 and I was 24. She broke things off because she wasn't happy with the way things were going and said she wanted to do her own thing. I've spent the last month or so trying to get over that situation and had finally begun to make some leeway when this happened: A girl I work with (this time in the same department as myself) has been in my department for the last 8 months now, she's 19. While she's been working there we became good friends; talking about relationship problems we were both going through, went out to play pool frequently, went out to the movies, etc. Because of how close we were getting I began to develop feelings for her and we both became very flirty in our friendship. After my previously mentioned ex of two years had broken things off with me I talk to her about the problems I was having coping with it and she mentioned that things weren't going well in her relationship either. Here's where it starts to get tricky: The breakup between my ex and I left me feeling unsatisfied in how she handled things. She was a very emotionally cold person at times; one day she'd be loving and happy, and the next cold and bitter towards everything that was going wrong in her life. I had always tried to ask her if she wanted/needed to talk about things and she always passed on it saying "It's just small things, I'll get over it.". Which led to us never getting the chance to talk about why she wasn't happy with our relationship. So getting back to the 19 year old; Because of the problems she was having in her relationship at the time I wanted to make sure she had the chance that I never got with my ex - which was to have the chance to talk to her significant other about their relationship - which led me to leaving her alone for awhile and giving her space while she sorted things out. Fast forward about a few weeks down the road: Her and I had gone to the movies one night and I had confessed that I liked her and if there was a possibility of us going out in the future that I would like to had that opportunity with her. We hadn't much time together recently (for the reason I stated with her working things out with her and her boyfriend) I explained that I wasn't ignoring her but just making sure I didn't influence her decision to be with her boyfriend or not. She explained that she had a crush on me, but that she had worked things out with her boyfriend and would probably be with him for the rest of the foreseeable future. I understood and we both remained good friends for about another month. After that talk we had been spending more and more time together. A few weeks ago she had came over to my place a few nights in a row and we watched movies together in my room and in my bed, nothing serious. Well a few more nights had past and she had once again came over for a movie night but this time I laid on her lap out of being playful and she said she didn't mind me there. She started rubbing my ears and neck and what not and those happen to be stimulating areas to me (which I displayed) but she didn't stop, nor did I want her to. At this time her boyfriend called and they had a very short conversation then hung up. She explained things still weren't going very well and she was probably going to talk to him about breaking up. The next night she comes over again and this time we have sex. She is still with her boyfriend at this time, and she says that she will break up with him the next day. She stays the night and we have sex again in the morning. That night she tells me she ended things with her boyfriend and that she wanted to be with me. I asked her if she wanted to talk about her ending things with her boyfriend and we met at a local restaurant to talk. She says everything was fine and they had a small conversation about it and went their separate ways. I asked her if she was ready for us to be together or if she needed more time, she said she was pretty much good to go. We spend a really good week together as a couple. Now at this point after asking her if she was alright to go through with a relationship, I give her what little I had gathered back up from my last relationship (Trust, compassion, feelings, etc.) When it comes to that Sunday she asks if she could pick up a monitor that I said I didn't need and she could have, and I tell her to come grab it. So she heads over with a lady friend of hers and picks it up, but I can tell something seems kind of wrong. I walk them both out to the car and she's just really quiet. I give her a hug and head back to my place thinking 'uh oh...it seems like it's over...'. She texts me about an hour later saying her cable to her computer doesn't work. I tell her I'll bring her an extra one I have and head over. When I get there she says she's been doing some thinking and she breaks it off with me saying that getting over her ex was going to be harder than she thought it was. I asked if she wanted to get back with him, she said she didn't, that she just needed time and still wanted to be friends. I didn't know what to say and I just left it at that, and went back home still very confused and upset. So we don't talk for an entire week, and yesterday I finally text her to ask her what's going on because I've been stressing over everything. I asked her if she had some time after work that we needed to talk, she replied 'ok'. So she comes to my place and we talk in my room. She explains that she got back together with her ex. I feel very hurt and used, I ask her why and she explains that she loves him, etc, etc, etc. I told her I felt used and felt like I was just a rebound to her and she explained that that wasn't the case, but just seemed like it and she didn't know what to say. She explained that her and her boyfriend even talked about breaking up yet again after she went to college (which is in a few months), but she still wanted to try and make it work with him. I told her I couldn't JUST be her friend after being intimate and still having strong feelings for her. She said she understood and that if things didn't work out with her boyfriend that she would 'be up for giving us a chance', but it seems like that was just thrown out there for false hope. I still have to see her everyday at work because I'm her supervisor. So now I'm constantly stressing out because she seems like nothing even happened. It seems like she just got her cake and is eating it too. I'm not sure what to do here... I'm sorry this was so long, but the story had to be told to get the full picture. There were a few minor things left out but this is the situation. Edited August 5, 2013 by Morgued
Virgil876 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Damn, very difficult situation... I think just leave her alone and move on. 1
Omei Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I have no clue as to why you would even want a girl like this put yourself in her bfs shoes flirting with another guy all the time sleeping with you before she broke up with him so she cheated, very very dishonest girl. Why you are even cashing someone like that idk you may feel used but look what she did to her bf, if she did stay with you how could you even trust her you think she wouldn't do the same to you? Lose her. 4
Author Morgued Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Thank you both for the responses. I know I'll heal in time but I don't understand why it hurts so much. I just feel so used and betrayed, and I trusted her, she was so nice and it really felt like she wanted to be with me. I try to convince myself that she's not worth it, but this pain in my chest won't go away. Everyday I wake up it's there.
Virgil876 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you both for the responses. I know I'll heal in time but I don't understand why it hurts so much. I just feel so used and betrayed, and I trusted her, she was so nice and it really felt like she wanted to be with me. I try to convince myself that she's not worth it, but this pain in my chest won't go away. Everyday I wake up it's there. Those lingering feelings of betrayal and trust issues will always be there, also the sudden change in attitude to hostile and neglect too. Your pain will fade with time, I suggest concentrate on yourself, live your life for yourself and not for others. 2
Author Morgued Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) Those lingering feelings of betrayal and trust issues will always be there, also the sudden change in attitude to hostile and neglect too. Your pain will fade with time, I suggest concentrate on yourself, live your life for yourself and not for others. I'm trying to concentrate on myself. Unfortunately I have to work with her. She's moving away to college in a few months, which should make things easier, but I don't know how to stop thinking about her while she's here. Especially when I have to see her every day. It just upsets me that she put me through all of this, yet still get to be happy because she's with her boyfriend again...I just can't stop thinking about these things that happened or her. I don't understand how someone that I trusted so much, would just up and use me then go back to her boyfriend again, and still expect to be friends... Edited August 7, 2013 by Morgued
Virgil876 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I'm trying to concentrate on myself. Unfortunately I have to work with her. She's moving away to college in a few months, which should make things easier, but I don't know how to stop thinking about her while she's here. Especially when I have to see her every day. It just upsets me that she put me through all of this, yet still get to be happy because she's with her boyfriend again...I just can't stop thinking about these things that happened or her. I don't understand how someone that I trusted so much, would just up and use me then go back to her boyfriend again, and still expect to be friends... It is very difficult to comprehend their actions, which will pretty much go unexplained, and people can be so cruel because of selfishness. Selfishness isn't a bad thing but when it is to the point of hurting others (especially loved ones) deeply then that's not on. I would suggest to remember her as the selfish girl that you dated, not of how she was when you were together, because that girl is gone. Also I don't think it is wise to hate on her either, she's only looking after her self interest and it is not good to hold grudges, you won't recover from this. So in the end, be indifferent.
anythingbut Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Here's my take on the situation bro: From what you have written above, in the initial stages of your relations with this girl you were a cool, open guy who was sensitive and mature - eg you gave her time and space to think about what she wanted once you'd let your feelings known. She had respect for you, and found this attractive... hence decided to pursue a brief fling with you. The reality is, though, my friend she was doing all this behind another guy's back. Is this the sort of girl you want to hook up with? You sound like a cool, caring guy - you need someone with a similar personality to make you happy. You probably can't see that just yet, but it won't take you long to get over this situation I reckon -as it has been relatively brief. I suspect she was a bit of a rebound for you from your last relationship, and you invested a significant amount of hope in getting over your last girlfriend once you met another girl you were attracted to. Your job now, rise above it when you're in work brother. She looks like she doesn't care right? I'm telling you she does bro, she's just hiding it nicely. You've got to do the same and KNOW that by doing this you're gaining her respect back. Reckon she's happy with her boyfriend do you? Nah, of course she's not! This is the same guy she cheated on recently and had constant issues with in the run up to the fling she had with you. Think he's waved a magic wand and made her blissfully happy all of a sudden? Of course not! Think all these issues have vanished in to thin air all of a sudden bro? Of course they haven't! You just think they have because you've had your confidence knocked back. Work on finding your next girl boss - this one isn't the one for you. ...And keep on truckin!
blotter Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Cmon man she's 19, you should have known before you got involved you needed to have your head on a swivel. Plus she's going to away to college, were you going to do a long distance thing with her? All the while there are single college guys hounding her ass everywhere she goes, what chance did you think you have?
Author Morgued Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Thank you for your help everyone. It's really helped. Seeing posts have been inspiring. On a bit of an update: I went to work today and pretended nothing happened, (i.e. talked to her as if everything was ok and what she did didn't upset me, etc.) and I got a few interesting responses. The first one was that she said she had "note" for me. I asked her if it would change anything between us and she replied "No". So I said "Alright, that's fine, what's it about then?" she explained it was a better explanation towards everything that happened. So That right there told me that it wasn't worth reading. I met her outside (on my lunch) and she gave me the note, to which I told her "I want to let you know that i'm not going to read this, should you decide that you want to give US an actual chance is the only time i'll consider reading this, otherwise it'll be stapled together (So I don't read it) and locked away." After that she came into my office later on and said that she was "Hurting" asking if she could sit down for awhile. I agreed and she tried to make small talk, to which I made small retorts until she left. She then texted me after she left work saying she hoped that her coming into the office wasn't "awkward". I waited about a half hour and simply replied "Nope". Funny how acting like nothing happened can get so much attention. Addressing the note situation: I can understand WHY she wrote the note, but I chose not to read it because...I realized the note wasn't actually meant for me....it was meant for HER to feel better about what she did. Now we'll see what happens I guess .
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