gnoixshen23 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) Hi, I'm having quite a dilemma here. Ill try to keep it short. So I had been dating this girl for not that long but we were at the point where we do love each other. And I do believe she is the One. Our relationship went through a rough patch because I'll be leaving to Santa Barbara in Sept. for college. But we recently broke up not because of that but rather because she doesn't want to tie me down this young and TRULY believes she isnt good enough for me and that I can find better. She keeps telling me that she wants me but the RIGHT thing to do is to let me go find someone better. Basically Should against Want. And she says she is choosing Should because thats how she has been raised, to be unselfish. We have discussed an open relationship or even just staying friends until after college so that I can have other experiences (as she puts it) because she says she doesnt want anyone else but she doesnt want to tie me down. She also believes that her family problems will bring me great pains that already brings her problems (although I cant really see it..) if I was to stay with her. So she says doesnt want to marry any guy because of this problem. I keep trying to convince her but to no avail. She also told me that she didnt want me any longer when we broke up. But I know she only said that to break up with me (because she was kissing me). This is the second time now that she has done this. (The first time I let my pride go) I dont know if I should just let my pride go again and keep fighting for her or move on with my life (thats what she wants me to do) because its frustrating to know that she doesnt think she's worth it(She does have a bit of self-worth problem which is part of the problem). I have no problem with letting pride go because I dont want to live with the fact that I loved her and I didnt keep trying because of my pride. But I also feel like if she really wants me then she'll keep trying to and if I should really move on then I also have no problem with it, it will be extremely hard but life goes on. What do you guys think? Thank you all. Edited August 5, 2013 by gnoixshen23
soccerrprp Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Hey gnoixshen23, Some clarification questions for you: 1. When you say tie you down this young, are you younger than your (ex) gf? And if so, by how much? 2. How far away will you be from her when you go to college? It really sounds like she's letting you know that it's okay if you leave her. People often put up the façade of selflessness to prevent from getting hurt otherwise. What I mean, in this case, is that she may still love you, but is looking at the reality that you will be off to college where there will be other attractive women in your sights and chalking this relationship up as a loss for her. She's insecure and b/c of that, she is letting you go. You must admit, it is rather daunting, the idea of a long distance relationship, you as young as you are, going to college where your life will and may change in her absence. As per her suggestion to have an open relationship or being friends, well, that uncommonly becomes a viable option under your circumstances. So, she's trying to be realistic. As per her family issues, that's just another excuse to drive a wedge between you and her. Again, I don't doubt that she loves you, but she is trying to be realistic. SO, should you keep trying? Do you want to? If so, then keep in constant contact with her until she no longer responds or she tells you that it's enough. I don't believe NO (no contact) is necessary to begin. But, you'll soon get your answer if she is being responsive or not and then you can decide to move on. Good luck.
New User Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 One of the first questions that comes to mind is how old are you two? I'm inferring that you just got out of high school- but maybe you're a bit older and are returning to school. In any event this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I base that on the mixed signals- kissing you while breaking up with you and the fact that you've been through this with her twice and you let your pride go (what exactly does that mean?- it doesn't conjure pleasant images). Long distance relationships are tough. The younger you are the tougher they are. You will both also probably be dealing with temptations from others. My gut says to let her go. If you've already dealt with kind of a yo yo affect from her pushing you away and then pulling you back I think it's unlikely to get better when you are separated by time and space and if she starts pushing you away it could really make it difficult for you to concentrate on your studies at school. I've had long distance relationships both casual and committed- that separation can lead you to either become more independent or to cleave very strongly to the one that you left behind. It can really mess with your head if you can't get in touch with her when you expect to and that can bleed over into everything else that you're dealing with. If you're as young as I think you are, the relationship is unlikely to survive the separation and the attention from others that you both will receive. It may be better to just take a break or agree to see other people while you're gone, but, again, relationships typically don't survive that. I know it's going to be difficult whichever route you take. I wish you well.
Author gnoixshen23 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I am actually older than her by a year, we are young 18/17. But mentally (and I say this with confidence) we are both in are 20s. Its not going to be that far, Sac to SB. The way she puts it, she says shes not insecure about the college thing at all but rather just the long distance relationship. Which we have talked about and she had decided that she was going to try to go through it with me. Honestly, the long distance relationship will suck because Im a pretty realistic person but I also know that its not that far. Ill be back in Thanksgiving. Shes actually not trying to be realistic at all but really makes it sound like shes just taking all these reasons that may or may not affect us and giving them to me as an excuse so that I can "move on." Usually, she also talks about our life in 10 years and how she does see me in that future BUT she doesnt want to because she wants join the army (long distance again) and her family problems will put great pains on me. I dont believe these two reasons are really realistic because shes going to go to college first and I dont feel like she actually wants to join the army (rather to just get away) and I doubt her family problems are THAT bad. (just some drama in my experience) Of course I want to keep trying, Im just contemplating whether this ship has sailed or not. Hey gnoixshen23, Some clarification questions for you: 1. When you say tie you down this young, are you younger than your (ex) gf? And if so, by how much? 2. How far away will you be from her when you go to college? It really sounds like she's letting you know that it's okay if you leave her. People often put up the façade of selflessness to prevent from getting hurt otherwise. What I mean, in this case, is that she may still love you, but is looking at the reality that you will be off to college where there will be other attractive women in your sights and chalking this relationship up as a loss for her. She's insecure and b/c of that, she is letting you go. You must admit, it is rather daunting, the idea of a long distance relationship, you as young as you are, going to college where your life will and may change in her absence. As per her suggestion to have an open relationship or being friends, well, that uncommonly becomes a viable option under your circumstances. So, she's trying to be realistic. As per her family issues, that's just another excuse to drive a wedge between you and her. Again, I don't doubt that she loves you, but she is trying to be realistic. SO, should you keep trying? Do you want to? If so, then keep in constant contact with her until she no longer responds or she tells you that it's enough. I don't believe NO (no contact) is necessary to begin. But, you'll soon get your answer if she is being responsive or not and then you can decide to move on. Good luck.
Author gnoixshen23 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 We are pretty young, like I said 18/17. And no we arent just some highschool teen couple with raging hormones haha. It was a pretty healthy relationship I would say actually. But recently she has been doing that, but only when it comes to this topic of future/college/someone better for me. I understand that long distance relationships are hard, but Im a pretty realistic and ambitious person and mentally Ive prepared myself already but of course it will still be hard but I know shes the One thats why I want to try to stay with her. When I meant letting my pride go, basically deciding that she didnt really wanna break up with me and intiating how to work things out again. And part of me feels that I should too but I really need some time to think about this because if I do decide that Im gonna move on, honestly it'll be an instant because through my experiences things like this just doesnt dwell with me anymore. Thank you, I still have some serious thinking to do. One of the first questions that comes to mind is how old are you two? I'm inferring that you just got out of high school- but maybe you're a bit older and are returning to school. In any event this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I base that on the mixed signals- kissing you while breaking up with you and the fact that you've been through this with her twice and you let your pride go (what exactly does that mean?- it doesn't conjure pleasant images). Long distance relationships are tough. The younger you are the tougher they are. You will both also probably be dealing with temptations from others. My gut says to let her go. If you've already dealt with kind of a yo yo affect from her pushing you away and then pulling you back I think it's unlikely to get better when you are separated by time and space and if she starts pushing you away it could really make it difficult for you to concentrate on your studies at school. I've had long distance relationships both casual and committed- that separation can lead you to either become more independent or to cleave very strongly to the one that you left behind. It can really mess with your head if you can't get in touch with her when you expect to and that can bleed over into everything else that you're dealing with. If you're as young as I think you are, the relationship is unlikely to survive the separation and the attention from others that you both will receive. It may be better to just take a break or agree to see other people while you're gone, but, again, relationships typically don't survive that. I know it's going to be difficult whichever route you take. I wish you well.
New User Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Alright, if google maps is right- Sacramento to Santa Barbara is a six plus hour drive. At best that's a major hassle and makes it only possible to see each other on weekends and you'll be spending at least twelve hours in the car. I think that this is going to be more difficult than you realize. Particularly with the tendency she seems to have to push you away. Based on everything you have said about her actions and your responses, I hold little hope for this relationship surviving- sure, I could be wrong- but everything that you have said about her behavior indicates that her commitment is lukewarm at best. It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants. Regardless, good luck.
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