thishatteredsymphony Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) This isn't really a reconciliation topic, but it's the closest thing I can imagine... I just got this text from her: "I don't expect or need a reply and I am not trying to make things difficult for you. I just wanted to tell you thank you for everything you did for me. I hope you're doing well. I just needed to say those things. I promise not to contact you again until (or if) you're ready to contact me again." Let me be clear: I will never get back with my ex. NEVER. I may once have entertained thoughts of that early after the break up but now I see how wrong it was. I will never trust her again and my feelings for her have been shattered. The thing is though... I am DAMN proud of myself for having maintained NC for as long as I have now (6 weeks and counting!!). This message she sent me is giving me mixed feelings, however... For one, I feel a bit proud that SHE contacted me first. I stuck to my guns and made myself leave my phone at home, go out with friends, have done SO much for myself in the past 6 weeks and not once succumbed to saying a word to her or looking her up at all. But I'm also really pissed off. Angry and sad at the same time. I'm angry she contacted me because I'm not over her yet. And seeing that message just brought out these terrible waves of anger and sadness. I want so badly at the moment to tell her to **** off. But I need to be strong. I need to show her and more importantly show myself I don't need her. Indifference is what I need to strive for. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, just needed a place to vent. Thanks as always, LS. EDIT: If a MOD feels this is better in Coping, feel free to move it. I don't actually think of this as a Reconciliation type post. Edited August 5, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony
keepontruckin Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Sounds like she's having some second thoughts. Let her stew in them for a while, sit back, and just enjoy the show...
Philosoraptor Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 At best that was sent because she truly wanted ot thank you (not that she wants to get back together), at worst (and more likely) it was sent out of wanting to relieve her own guilt. No need to respond or worry about it. You've already said there is no chance you would get back to her, so it shouldn't matter if she sent a message saying she loved you or one that said you could burn in hell. Just let it go and continue doing what you're doing. 1
heartshapedrocks Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Your feelings are natural. I was told it is part of the grieving process. I get sad. I get angry. I have a lot of moments of pure bliss too knowing I enjoy my own company and that of my family and friends who love me and want to have me around. I try not to take the bait. Whatever gets sent, texts, cards, phone calls. It is difficult at times but I care about me now.
Oldcatskinner Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 At best that was sent because she truly wanted ot thank you (not that she wants to get back together), at worst (and more likely) it was sent out of wanting to relieve her own guilt. I've been wondering about this; what is so bad about the ex wanting to relieve their guilt? If it was them on the forums, the roles would be reversed wouldn't they? I would be very understanding of my ex wanting to relieve any guilt she may have. This would be one of the things that we would be on the same page about. Doesn't mean I would take her back. Philosoraptor-what did you mean by that post? I'd like to understand.
Philosoraptor Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I've been wondering about this; what is so bad about the ex wanting to relieve their guilt? If it was them on the forums, the roles would be reversed wouldn't they? I would be very understanding of my ex wanting to relieve any guilt she may have. This would be one of the things that we would be on the same page about. Doesn't mean I would take her back. Philosoraptor-what did you mean by that post? I'd like to understand. I have no quarrel with someone wanting to relieve their guilt, it's human nature. The issue is that it oftentimes either provides false hope to the dumpee or hearing from them knocks the hell out of their healing process. Just read the message above. About how much it upset his balance even though he says he is certain he would never get back to her. I'm not saying it effects everyone this way, but you're saying you would be understanding of the contact is more the exception than the rule. The more hopeful you are, the more hurt you were, the fresher the wound... the more these little contacts and guilt relief damages someone. 1
Sugarkane Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I've been wondering about this; what is so bad about the ex wanting to relieve their guilt? If it was them on the forums, the roles would be reversed wouldn't they? I would be very understanding of my ex wanting to relieve any guilt she may have. This would be one of the things that we would be on the same page about. Doesn't mean I would take her back. Philosoraptor-what did you mean by that post? I'd like to understand. The issue is when they string you along, blame the WHOLE breakup on you and like what happened to me- the dumper contacting me just to say how much better his life is without me. Ahole behavior that would get you called a psycho if you were The dumpee.
Oldcatskinner Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I'm not saying it effects everyone this way, but you're saying you would be understanding of the contact is more the exception than the rule. The more hopeful you are, the more hurt you were, the fresher the wound... the more these little contacts and guilt relief damages someone. I disagree. I think there is too much emphasis on the whole "NC" concept and not enough on personal growth and understanding of one's coping process which fosters healing. I tend to relate healing from a breakup to learning a new subject: You will be tested over the material learned. That test may be running into the ex in a day week month year decade. It may be them contacting you, falling in love with someone else and then running into your ex, etc., etc., etc. I vehemently believe that how you handle such tests is the only way to know if you are over someone or not; not by coming to these sites and asking strangers of whom many are hurting and have no basis for direction. OCS 1
Philosoraptor Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I disagree. I think there is too much emphasis on the whole "NC" concept and not enough on personal growth and understanding of one's coping process which fosters healing. I tend to relate healing from a breakup to learning a new subject: You will be tested over the material learned. That test may be running into the ex in a day week month year decade. It may be them contacting you, falling in love with someone else and then running into your ex, etc., etc., etc. I vehemently believe that how you handle such tests is the only way to know if you are over someone or not; not by coming to these sites and asking strangers of whom many are hurting and have no basis for direction. OCS NC doesn't gurantee anything other than putting the ex out of sight and out of mind. NC is meant to put the focus back on yourself and help take it off your ex and off the past. It is up to the user to take this new freedom and peace of mind, and put it to use to heal within. NC is just one tool in healing that will hopefully lead the user to indifference. Once one has indifference, there are no tests, there is only indifference.
Frog Princess Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I've been wondering about this; what is so bad about the ex wanting to relieve their guilt? If it was them on the forums, the roles would be reversed wouldn't they? I would be very understanding of my ex wanting to relieve any guilt she may have. This would be one of the things that we would be on the same page about. Doesn't mean I would take her back. Philosoraptor-what did you mean by that post? I'd like to understand. Quite honestly, the whole "relief of guilt" thing is pretty selfish. The dumper does not like living with the feeling they have. They want it to go away and feel that by apologizing to the person everything will be better. This is not the case. In the long run, the dumper/cheater is not concerned with the other person's grieving process. They are not concerned with how their contact might upset the other person. They are simply concerned about making themselves feel better...which btw might have been the reason the break up occurred to begin with. Making a declaration to your ex is great once all the dust has settled. I did this with one of my ex's; however, I waited for about 3 - 4 years before reaching out and was careful that my message could not be misconstrued as a desire for us to reconcile. And as stated previously, it was an act of selfishness. I didn't want to continue to feel that burden any longer. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. For hilarious dating stories, coping mechanisms and great advice, visit Smooching Frogs.
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