cheated, blacked out.

[nicolev]

Hi everyone.

I am freaking out and looking for a little advice.

 

I am 19 & my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for 2 years and are currently living with each other.

 

I have an alcohol problem. I black out easily and I drink normally at least one drink a day. He does not have this problem.

 

Last night we went out to a bar with his good friends. I got pretty intoxicated but things were fine. We slept at his friends cabin.

 

The last thing I remember was leaving the bar.

Apparently he woke up to his good friend on top of me.. humping me, having sex with me. Who knows. I don't know who to to believe and I have zero recollection of him pushing the guy off me and then freaking out. This was at about 7 this morning. I honestly have never blacked out this badly to the point where there is absolutely no snippets of the night or this morning.

 

I freaked out. Tried jumping out of the car on the way home. I am crazy. He said I'm a slut an he is done. I can't lose him. I am head over heels.. this is just not me. I wouldn't do this... but I did.

 

I haven't seen him all day. I went back to my parents house, he went fishing after telling my parents what had happened. He is so embarrassed and upset I don't blame him at all... I can't even imagine how he feels right now.

 

I don't understand how this happened. I don't like the other guy at all... why would I do this?

 

Now I'm waiting for him to maybe come home tonight. I've written a letter saying how sorry I am... I just need some advice. What do I do.. I can't lose him even though he is already gone.

 

I am going to 100% abstain from alcohol. I need to be 100% in control of myself. I am so freaked out....... I am a piece of ****. He is the most beautiful thing in my life and my soulmate.... help

[hppr]

You don't black out easily you are young and dumb and you drink way too much for your bodyweight. Girls get drunk faster than guys do it is just biology. Most young girls don't understand this so they say that they black out easily. As far as having sex with his friend when you were drunk/hungover in the morning I don't know what to tell you. That's just wrong on a million different levels. If you want my advice you need to quit drinking and having sex until you can do both responsibly.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think your dishes are done here. You need to figure out a) why you drink so much b) why you put yourself in compromising situations and c) why you cheated on someone you love before you get together with anyone else. Blaming it solely on the alcohol is a cop-out -- obviously you had thoughts of cheating deep down that manifested themselves.

 

But yeah, this guy's trust in you is shattered and probably won't ever be repaired. It's time for you to focus on you.

[Lansing]

Why wasn't your boyfriend with you in bed overnight? What a great friend he has.. Geez. If it happened like you say I would report it to police if dude had sex with you while you had blacked out.

[nicolev]

I am almost positive I was slipped something at the bar.

[nicolev]

We didn't have sex... I really want to believe that but the guys an ******* and could be lying.

 

My boyfriend is amazing. He is letting me stay at our place.. on the couch.

As his friend while we figure things out.

 

I am done drinking. I am too tiny to keep up with the amount everyone else consumes. I am going to seek help.

[MomsSpaghetti]

Quit blaming it on the alcohol. Take some responsibility for yourself. Understandably, alcohol influences behavior, but you made the choice to intoxicate yourself to the point where you started engaging in regrettable actions.

[CC12]

The last thing I remember was leaving the bar.

Apparently he woke up to his good friend on top of me.. humping me, having sex with me. Who knows. I don't know who to to believe and I have zero recollection of him pushing the guy off me and then freaking out. This was at about 7 this morning. I honestly have never blacked out this badly to the point where there is absolutely no snippets of the night or this morning.

 

I think you need to give your boyfriend some time to calm down, and then you should ask him to sit down with you and tell you exactly what happened that night. Ask him if you seemed conscious and aware of what you were doing when he found his friend on top of you. Was he sleeping next to you when it happened? Did he hear anything? Was it actual sex that he saw or dry humping or whatever? This conversation is for your health and safety and should be kept separate from talks about your relationship.

 

You need to know what happened so that you can take the appropriate measures, like the Plan B pill, STD testing, or possibly pressing charges if it turns out the guy forced himself on you.

 

As for the relationship, I think it's clear that you weren't really in a state to give 100% clear consent, and I hope your boyfriend can keep this in mind.

 

Edit: Woops. Should have refreshed the page before hitting post.

 

We didn't have sex... I really want to believe that but the guys an ******* and could be lying.

 

My boyfriend is amazing. He is letting me stay at our place.. on the couch.

As his friend while we figure things out.

 

I am done drinking. I am too tiny to keep up with the amount everyone else consumes. I am going to seek help.

 

He is letting you stay at "our" place? I know you feel like **** about what happened and maybe like you need to be punished or something, but your boyfriend isn't doing you a favor by letting you stay in your own home, nor should he be calling you a slut or any other names. Don't let yourself be treated poorly.

Edited August 5, 2013 by CC12

[nicolev]

""He is letting you stay at "our" place? I know you feel like **** about what happened and maybe like you need to be punished or something, but your boyfriend isn't doing you a favor by letting you stay in your own home, nor should he be calling you a slut or any other names. Don't let yourself be treated poorly.""

 

Your right..

 

Being blacked out still at 7 in the morning is not normal.

 

Sengir, I am almost positive... this is just not normal for me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Get tested first -- don't just accuse without knowing for sure. If you were drugged this changes the situation, though you should still relax on the alcohol.

[JustJoe]

I am almost positive I was slipped something at the bar.

Don't invent this , if it isn't true. Because you can be tested to see if it is true, and can be sued if you have tried to Narc the friend to the Cops to assuage your guilt. Then where will you be , if you are proven a liar as well as a cheater? First things first, you need to sit down by yourself and find out exactly how much you remember, and go from there.

[JustJoe]

I think you need to give your boyfriend some time to calm down, and then you should ask him to sit down with you and tell you exactly what happened that night. Ask him if you seemed conscious and aware of what you were doing when he found his friend on top of you. Was he sleeping next to you when it happened? Did he hear anything? Was it actual sex that he saw or dry humping or whatever? This conversation is for your health and safety and should be kept separate from talks about your relationship.

 

You need to know what happened so that you can take the appropriate measures, like the Plan B pill, STD testing, or possibly pressing charges if it turns out the guy forced himself on you.

 

As for the relationship, I think it's clear that you weren't really in a state to give 100% clear consent, and I hope your boyfriend can keep this in mind.

 

Edit: Woops. Should have refreshed the page before hitting post.

 

 

 

He is letting you stay at "our" place? I know you feel like **** about what happened and maybe like you need to be punished or something, but your boyfriend isn't doing you a favor by letting you stay in your own home, nor should he be calling you a slut or any other names. Don't let yourself be treated poorly.

I agree with most of this post, except for the last paragraph. This guy just found his friend f**king his GF. I think we can cut him a little slack if he acts upset , don't you ? He is allowing her to stay at the house that they BOTH share, okay? But to ask him to treat her like normal, is asking too much. She is lucky he can even look at her.

[JustJoe]

Nicolev, you, first of all, need to stop looking for excuses for your behavior. If you can't hold your booze, DON'T DRINK! The blame is yours, own it , and learn to be a better person , for the future, with your BF or without him.

[CC12]

I agree with most of this post, except for the last paragraph. This guy just found his friend f**king his GF. I think we can cut him a little slack if he acts upset , don't you ? He is allowing her to stay at the house that they BOTH share, okay? But to ask him to treat her like normal, is asking too much. She is lucky he can even look at her.

 

I don't think I was too hard on the guy. I didn't say he wasn't allowed to be upset. All I said was that he shouldn't have called her a slut and that she shouldn't think he's being a totally awesome dude just because he's letting her stay in her own home. She has every right to be there and to not be shamed (by her boyfriend or anyone else) after a very questionable sexual encounter. I was reminding the OP that she doesn't deserve to be treated like ****.

[CC12]

People call each other names all the times in arguments, as well as frustrating times.

 

That doesn't make it a decent thing to do.

 

It's a part of it all, and surely something the OP cares little for.

 

You think she didn't care about being called a slut? It's possible you're right. Only OP knows.

[Quiet Storm]

You need counseling. Not just for the drinking, but because you tried to jump out of a moving car. That's not a normal reaction. You probably have lost your boyfriend for good. You need to get yourself straightened out before you get into another relationship. If you don't stop drinking, things like this will continue to happen. This time, your consequence is losing someone you love. What will it be next time? The pain from this breakup is going to make you want to selfmedicate with alcohol. Don't do it- you will just fall further into a hole. If you really only drink one drink a day, you should be able to detox yourself. If its more and you have become physically dependent on alcohol (shaking when you don't have a drink), then you will need help to detox. You could get DTs or have seizures from withdrawal. Try to be strong. Lean on your family and friends. The more support you have, the better.

[therhythm]

For me there is only two possible outcomes here... either you were raped or you weren't.

If you blacked out and this guy took advantage on you then it was a rape and you need to report him...

If you didn't blacked out and somehow you feel ashamed to recognize you didn't and you just let this guy do you... then you cheated.

 

You should never (ever) drink till you lose control... but now you know that too

[hppr]

You need counseling.

 

If she were a guy I'd tell her to join the military that will clean you up and teach you responsibility really quick.

 

Assuming her parents are good people I vote move back home, quit drinking/doing drugs and get on track for some sort of an education before she's 23 with a kid, 2 DUIs and no man.

[MrTurk]

I think she got drunk....had sex with her bf's friend...and got caught....and now shes trying to use the alcohol as the alibi.

[JustJoe]

I don't think I was too hard on the guy. I didn't say he wasn't allowed to be upset. All I said was that he shouldn't have called her a slut and that she shouldn't think he's being a totally awesome dude just because he's letting her stay in her own home. She has every right to be there and to not be shamed (by her boyfriend or anyone else) after a very questionable sexual encounter. I was reminding the OP that she doesn't deserve to be treated like ****.

And all I'm saying is that if I caught my GF being mounted by my friend, she is likely to be called worse. Why do you think she deserves special consideration and not the betrayed BF?

[JustJoe]

I think she got drunk....had sex with her bf's friend...and got caught....and now shes trying to use the alcohol as the alibi.

Good point. OP nobody forced you to do this. Whether you blacked out and were raped or you got drunk and gave it up willingly Either way , it is your responsibility. You chose to get drunk knowing that you can't hold your booze and put yourself in this compromising position. The booze didn't cause this so the booze isn't an alibi. Your poor boundaries are what caused it. Take Quiet Storm's advice , plus get yourself into IC, so nothing like this happens again.

[CC12]

Why do you think she deserves special consideration and not the betrayed BF?

 

I'm not sure why you're taking issue with me telling the OP she doesn't deserve to be treated like ****.

 

Oh wait, I think this may be why:

 

Good point. OP nobody forced you to do this. Whether you blacked out and were raped or you got drunk and gave it up willingly Either way , it is your responsibility. You chose to get drunk knowing that you can't hold your booze and put yourself in this compromising position. The booze didn't cause this so the booze isn't an alibi. Your poor boundaries are what caused it. Take Quiet Storm's advice , plus get yourself into IC, so nothing like this happens again.

 

It's notable to me that you're willing to consider the possibility that she was raped, but then also say that nobody forced her. It looks like you're suggesting that the possible rape was her own fault because she had too much to drink.

 

So you do think she deserves to be treated like ****, even though a possible rape may have occurred, because she asked for it? Is that what you're saying?

[aliveagain]

He will never get over the image of walking in on his buddy f**king you. If there was no consent than charge him with rape. Get tested, if you were slipped something it disappears from your system quickly. Why is his POS buddy still in your apartment?

 

Please read Dee85 post, almost the identical story.

Edited August 6, 2013 by aliveagain

[Quiet Storm]

I'm not sure why you're taking issue with me telling the OP she doesn't deserve to be treated like ****.

 

Oh wait, I think this may be why:

 

 

 

It's notable to me that you're willing to consider the possibility that she was raped, but then also say that nobody forced her. It looks like you're suggesting that the possible rape was her own fault because she had too much to drink.

 

So you do think she deserves to be treated like ****, even though a possible rape may have occurred, because she asked for it? Is that what you're saying?

 

 

The more likely scenario based on her own admissions is that she consented to the sex, and just does not remember it.

 

Alcoholics that have built up a high tolerance will have entire conversations, drive, walk, and particpate in numerous activities with others and then are simply unable to remember the next day. Blackout does not mean passed out. Blackout does not mean stumbling, falling, unable to talk. It simply means that the person has no memory or a fragmented memory of that particular block of time.

 

Medical professionals and law enforcement can easily recount stories of people blowing .32 BAC and talking & walking just fine, only to have them sober up and have no memory, even though they were able to carry on full conversations with doctors & cops during that time. They have built up such a tolerance to alcohol that their speaking & motor skills are minimally affected, but the alcohol blocks the brain's function that transfers short term memories to long term memories. It is believed that the memories are still there, just inaccessible.

 

As long as the person consumed the alcohol of her own free will, consented and particpated in the act of sex, it would not be considered rape simply because she did not remember it. If she was passed out drunk and unable to consent, that would be a different story, but that doesn't sound like what happened here.

[Simon Phoenix]

OP, did you get yourself tested?