adelynn Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now. In the beginning our relationship was the best I could ever ask for. Over the past 2 years our relationship has become a long-distance relationship due to the nature of our careers. The distance has been a major obstacle, but we do our best to see each other on his days off (4 days once a month). Communication is also an obstacle when he is away because of the hours he works in a day. We don't get a lot of time to talk. Every once in a while I to encourage him to have "guy time" on his days off seeing he doesn't get the opportunity to see his friends very often. It's hard because I would like to spend that time with him myself, but I feel he deserves it every once in a while. The problem has to do with those occasions where he spends his days off with his buddies.. it seems that they always have to go on a drinking bender and he drops off the face of the Earth for four days. I don't expect him to talk to me 24/7 on those days, but it would be nice for him to at least check in and not ignore me completely. He tells me that I need to be more understanding that he can't multitask and talk to me while he's out and about. It drives me mad not to hear from him for 4 days. We have been over this millions of times and he always says he'll do his best to at least touch base with me every once in a while. I am still waiting for that to happen.... Am I just overreacting?
CherryT Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 No you're not overreacting. If you're in a LDR and you only have one opportunity once a month to see him... and he goes out and ignores you completely? That wouldn't fly with me. My SO doesn't do that even when we're apart and he'd never do that if we were in the same city. I assume if he goes out for those 4 days with his buddies, you miss the chance to see him? So you wait for the next month? It's not out of normal for you to want some quality time when you don't spend anytime with him at all. I would ask him whether he even wants to be in a relationship anymore. My SO works a lot too and we only see each other once (sometimes twice, but usually once) a month. If I waited to see him and he blew me off and didn't talk to me for 4 days straight? That's not cool. I also don't think he'd appreciate it if you did the same and did not answer or check in once. If he doesn't want to that, then I'm not sure whether you should stick with the relationship. It doesn't seem like you're getting much when he's out of town and definitely not getting anything when he does come home. 1
Author adelynn Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Thanks CherryT. It is nice to hear the same opinion coming from another person. He would hate it if I did that to him, but the idea wouldn't even cross my mind. I try to make the most of chances I get to talk to him or see him. I needed to make sure I wasn't being a total girl about this and overreacting.
CA2TN4Love Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I don't think you're overreacting either. You could be complaining that he's spending his limited time off hanging out with his buddies, rather than you, but you're not. You're simply upset because he goes silent for those four days. Your concerns do not seem unreasonable at all. What is his excuse for this behavior? I know you said that he claims that he can't multitask, but what is his excuse for not finding a few blocks of five minutes over those four days? It doesn't take much to step outside real quick to make a phone call. I don't like talking on the phone around other people, but I would never leave my SO in the dark for four days, even if I was locked in a room full of strangers. That's unacceptable.
Author adelynn Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 CA2TN4LOVE, I've asked the same questions that you have. He just tells me that I don't understand and that he doesn't want to argue. He likes to think I am just being needy. I can understand why maybe he wouldn't want to talk on the phone while with his friends, but it literally takes a minute to send a quick text message. I don't expect to have a full out conversation with him at all, but it would be nice to just hear from him once in a while over those four days. I don't feel like I am asking too much.. he obviously feels differently about that. Thanks for your opinion! I am hoping that he will realize this too once he figures out I am not the only person with this opinion.
keithkat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Since you are in an LDR, tell him that both of you should be intentional in taking care of your relationship to not lose grip of what you have.
Treasa Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 He's not only not contacting you, he's gaslighting you and making you feel like it's your fault. That's bull****. Tell him, rather shortly as I am writing here, that if he can't even send you a message in four days, that you aren't sticking around. Don't make it a "let's have a talk" thing. Just say, "Dude, if you're really too lazy to contact me once or twice in a couple of days, lose my number permanently, mmk?" I'd walk if it were me.
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