Single for too long

[Kristine]

I'm probably too picky but when I lower my standards I get guys that I really don't want to be dating. But right now I'm really tired of being single. Nothing in my life is really going the way I want it to go, which isn't helping me but what do you do to meet people when you're pushing 40?

 

For the record I'm divorced, twice, 1 child. Been single since my 2nd divorce minus some short stints. I'm 39 divorced since I was 31ish. I just joined eharmony but I don't do well on dating websites, I thought this would be different but it's not.

[Kristine]

Real nice tomtucker. I don't divorce easily but I do divorce when there are reasons to validate leaving. As far red flags, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. I don't even have casual sex. So I really don't see what you're seeing.

[carhill]

Heh, I've been 'single' since my exW and I spit up in June 2009 and divorced since October 2010 and loving it. Don't miss relationships or being married at all. What was I thinking? Anyway, good luck in your pursuits

[Weezy1973]

Real nice tomtucker. I don't divorce easily but I do divorce when there are reasons to validate leaving. As far red flags, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. I don't even have casual sex. So I really don't see what you're seeing.

 

Perhaps what he sees is an inability to have a longterm relationship. Certainly not everyone is cut out for it, and as per your history, you're not one of them. Which is fine. But accept it.

[Kristine]

Do I really have to go into the reasons for the divorces. Honestly I had professionals tell me to get divorced from the 2nd guy, the first cheated and then beat me up rather than face the fact. The violence is why I left. My longest lasting relationship was 8 years. From 23 to 31. I'm fully capable of long term relationships. Settling for marriage, not so sure, but I can do long term.

 

I want Catholic, White, and Educated. All the things I am. They say don't ask for what you can't offer.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Kristine

[Weezy1973]

Do I really have to go into the reasons for the divorces. Honestly I had professionals tell me to get divorced from the 2nd guy, the first cheated and then beat me up rather than face the fact. The violence is why I left. My longest lasting relationship was 8 years. From 23 to 31. I'm fully capable of long term relationships. Settling for marriage, not so sure, but I can do long term.

 

I want Catholic, White, and Educated. All the things I am. They say don't ask for what you can't offer.

 

This history (and your initial post) shows you have no clue how to pick men for the long term. Again, nothing to be ashamed of at all, and luckily we live in an age where all sorts of lifestyles are acceptable. If the traditional "rest of you life" relationship isn't your strength, than good for you. But you have to accept it.

[Kristine]

It's not that long but it's who I attract. I attract foreigners and refuse to date them. I attract black men, but have no interest in them. Both my parents had flat butts I have no idea where I got a bubble butt but I do have it and they like it. White guys don't. Catholic guys don't like that I cannot marry in a Catholic church again because I haven't and don't plan to annul my Catholic done marriage. My ex was Lutheran.

[Weezy1973]

 

I want Catholic, White, and Educated. All the things I am. They say don't ask for what you can't offer.

 

As an aside, here's how I know you're not relationship material. Literally none of these things that you're looking for have anything to do with relationships.

 

If you had said, I want a man that is empathetic, compassionate and has the ability to communicate honestly and openly and knows the value of compromise, I would have thought, yup, she knows what it takes to be in a relationship.

 

But no, you Catholic, white and educated. Literally none of which means anything when it comes to relationships.

[Kristine]

This history (and your initial post) shows you have no clue how to pick men for the long term. Again, nothing to be ashamed of at all, and luckily we live in an age where all sorts of lifestyles are acceptable. If the traditional "rest of you life" relationship isn't your strength, than good for you. But you have to accept it.

 

I really don't think I don't know how to choose men, it was that I was naive and young and didn't know how to get away from them. I was married at 19, until 22. Met the 2nd guy and family and friends pushed me with him. I listened and that was my mistake. I went with their opinions rather than my own gut feelings. On the upside I have a lovely daughter, and she is a wonderful child.

[Kristine]

Those are things I ignored in the past and they do matter in relationships. The more commonalities you have with the basics, the better off you are. Religion!? HUGE! Of course I desire other attributes but those are the basics.

[Weezy1973]

Those are things I ignored in the past and they do matter in relationships. The more commonalities you have with the basics, the better off you are. Religion!? HUGE! Of course I desire other attributes but those are the basics.

 

Nope. Religion, race and education are not the basics. The fact that you think they are speaks volumes.

[Kristine]

Well men have different perspective than women. They are looking for motherly women, and beautiful women, those things are last on their list. But women seek differently than men.

 

And you are not the judge of my life, you can't decide if I will or will not be single for the remainder of it. That's God decision. Heck I know people on their 3rd marriages. Some of us learn the hard way, and then write songs about it.

[Weezy1973]

Well men have different perspective than women. They are looking for motherly women, and beautiful women, those things are last on their list. But women seek differently than men.

 

And you are not the judge of my life, you can't decide if I will or will not be single for the remainder of it. That's God decision. Heck I know people on their 3rd marriages. Some of us learn the hard way, and then write songs about it.

 

Wrong again. Not surprised you've had two divorces. Here are the five keys to relationships:

 

Honesty, openess, trust, communication and compromise.

 

Here is what you said: Catholic, white and educated.

 

Do you see the difference?

[SensitiveTJ]

Speaking as someone who is Catholic, White, and Educated (hi:)), I can't say that I would give you a shot. Twice divorced is just too much. The reason is really not important-it's just not a sign that you make good choices in life. That may sound harsh, but it is what it is.

[pcplod]

I'm probably too picky but when I lower my standards I get guys that I really don't want to be dating. But right now I'm really tired of being single. Nothing in my life is really going the way I want it to go, which isn't helping me but what do you do to meet people when you're pushing 40?

 

For the record I'm divorced, twice, 1 child. Been single since my 2nd divorce minus some short stints. I'm 39 divorced since I was 31ish. I just joined eharmony but I don't do well on dating websites, I thought this would be different but it's not.

 

If you have been through the joys of divorce twice, I'm not surprised you have standards. In fact I would be surprised if you did not, as in "Ooh! How surprisingly masochistic" if you didn't.

 

Frankly, I don't know what the answer is. If you find out, let me know. All I'll say, which isn't worth $h1t frankly, is that I've come to the conclusion that, in the main, OLD is simply poisonous and an exquisite form of self-flagellation.

 

The only trouble is that, from a purely practical perspective, I don't know what the "better solution" is supposed to be.

 

The business model for OLD services whether it be eHarmony, Match.com or just POF is to generate income as hard as possible that would make someone begging in the street refusing to get out of your right of way seems almost coy in comparison. They are all just a variation in the same old model of extortion. Pitch a ridiculous monthly fee, which the longer you don't bite they will reduce on a one-off or even permanent basis so that you're being offered such a bargain. Headline your advertising that setting up a (useless) account is free (yeah so what?), so that you can browse endlessly, torturing yourself and wasting ridiculously inordinately long periods of time. Oh, and emphasise how many account holders you have, not mentioning, of course, that 95% of them are not actually active because people won't pay the ridiculous subscription fees but the consequences are going to be probable bankruptcy. Women sometimes get the facility to message free, but men won't, just like offering women reduced or free access to clubs. Result? Absototally thoosands of moribund accounts, that are never even looked at from one year end to the next. And how many specific individuals have scores of accounts on different sites. And then there are the shady operators who sell on (franchise) their membership databases to others so one site after another has the same members with exactly the same profiles that you are supposed to pay separate subscriptions to. It's all just a money-making scam that would be called criminal in any other context. The fact that it actually works for anyone is nothing short of amazing and miraculous.

 

One operator, Global Personals, have been attempting to present themselves as leading an industry initiative through Facebook for the industry to clean up it' act when they are one of the worst offenders. You really couldn't make it up.

 

What about MatchAffinity (who dreams up these names?) that won't permit you to see even one profile picture unless you subscribe? Who's bright idea was that as a USP? ANd then they send you a message on a daily basis telling you that MadgeX has decided to allow you to see her photograph when all she had done is to actually post one? Bah! Frankly, it's an intellectual insult.

 

Stay single! Stay safe! Preserve your sanity and dignity.

 

PS. Oh by the way, which particular site did you lift your profile picture from? Not that I mind. She, whoever she is, is quite pretty.

Edited August 6, 2013 by pcplod

[pcplod]

Speaking as someone who is Catholic, White, and Educated (hi:)), I can't say that I would give you a shot. Twice divorced is just too much. The reason is really not important-it's just not a sign that you make good choices in life. That may sound harsh, but it is what it is.

 

Oh to be lonely this Xmas! And every Xmas. Tum te tum, hum, hum.

 

Meh, to think you are Catholic too, to boot. There's a no-no, if there ever was one. Being white, well, I'll grant that you didn't actually choose that. And, uh, not that educated apparently.

 

I like me irrational prejudices too. Just sayin'.

Edited August 6, 2013 by pcplod

[davyvfr]

Catholic guys WILL most likely want to marry in a Catholic church. Once you are baptized, you have an obligation to marry with the presence of a priest in a Catholic church.