jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 We are posting here as a couple looking for some opinion on which view is correct. You can ask either of us questions as we will both be reading this. We have been together 5 years. I have always been bisexual and was actually in a relationship with a woman when I met my now boyfriend. He has always been a free spirit and has always said that if I ever wanted to be with women again that he would most likely be ok with that as long as it was discussed first. Well I do miss the touch and feel of another woman and I told him recently that I did want to be with women again. I still want to stay with him but just see the occasional woman on the side. I approached him with this and to be perfectly fair to him I said that it would also be ok if he wanted to see other men. He feels I am being totally unreasonable and because he is not bisexual that offer is meaningless. He says that if I am being allowed to see other people that I am attracted to then so should he, in his case that would obviously be other women. I feel that he is all the man I need but a woman can do things that a man cannot. He should feel that I am all the woman he needs so another woman wouldn’t be needed. He says that another woman does not mean that he feels any less about me. Another woman could be worse or just different, it’s just about experiencing something different, exactly as I want to do with another woman. He has asked me to explain how this would be fair without using gender and I don’t think I can. He seems to counter every point I make but it just feels wrong to me for him to be with another woman. I think I have covered it all, I am sorry it is a bit he said / she said but this is the way the discussion has progressed. We are not fighting about this, in fact the fact that we are open and talking about it is great. We just have two opposing views and given that we will likely not proceed with anything which is fine by both of us. But we were just wondering what other peoples views are and on which side they would fall. Who knows, you may actually convince one of us to change our minds.
RonaldS Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Uhhhhhhhh.....hmmmmm. Well, good luck with all that.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 If you're going to have an open-relationship you can't really specify the partner he can choose from, It's not really about satisfying your needs It's his...especially when that issue is with gender and he is not bisexual himself and doesn't even really have the option. I think you're simply jealous of the fact that another woman could be an actual replacement and you're feeling insecure about that, but If you have a strong relationship and open enough to discuss this honestly with each other then you have to simply realize there is always a risk involved in being intimate with any other person and you are ultimately trusting each other when it comes to emotional investment or where you draw the consensual lines, I think that is open to compromise...you might feel that he's all the man you need, but he could argue that he isn't everything you need as person/partner...unless you can really explain and breakdown why you need the company of another woman and can't simply relegate that to a friendship, I don't really see how you can make a point (not that this is about reason rather than emotions)...but I really think it's about gaining the intimacy/comfort from a woman that can't be provided by a man, which essentially is the same thing as calling him inadequate IMO even if the fact is he simply can't be both sexes, but I also think two people provide you with a sense of security assurance to feel loved. So I think his selection process may be physically guided while yours might be more emotionally/intimately guided, and in reality a lot of guys cheat on their SO while still maintaining their love and ultimate interest for their original lover than the other woman, so it's definitely possible. It may also be connecting with another woman for him to match of interests or conversation or what not that may not be your strong suit together, It's usually an outlet for a lot of men and sometimes it is just purely sexual/physical. At any rate, I think it's going to be a lot harder for him to find someone than it will be for you, and honestly he's probably using this to his advantage to be with other women, since you're going to be getting yours...I think if you want to make your point and argue your case, of why you should be open to the opportunity of being with another person and him not then you should do a lot more explaining in that realm, if he agrees with that and can be understanding in that regard he could alternatively let you pursue your needs while not giving himself a free pass to pursue someone else himself. I think ultimately though, If you want this relationship to last and remain exclusive you should think hard about your next move on this, because once you do you can't go back...it'll be the skeleton in the closet if something goes wrong for the rest of the relationship, It might be better to separate and have your fun both in your own terms in the privacy of your own life without having to mix both worlds but remaining in a FWB type situation, after 5 years and being young, you might need to explore more within yourselves before shacking up for the long-term and everything you do in a relationship will have an impact, and maybe not the intended or perceived consequence. 3
Keke1 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I see what you are TRYING to say. I feel the dude should have fun also. It's why you want a woman right?
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 If you get to play the field so should he. You are either a couple or you are not. Well that's just it, I don't want to play the field. I only want to be with other people of the same sex, I have no interest in another man. I feel that being perfectly equal he would have the same option to be with someone of the same sex? How does that not make sense?
MrCastle Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Have you entertained the idea of the two of you finding a woman you both agree on to have a threesome with? And only keep it sexual? 3
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I think you're simply jealous of the fact that another woman could be an actual replacement and you're feeling insecure about that, I don't want him with another woman, I am his woman. I would never dream of asking if I could be with another man, I can't see how he can't even want to be with another woman. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Have you entertained the idea of the two of you finding a woman you both agree on to have a threesome with? And only keep it sexual? I don't want him to be with another woman so how does that help? The idea of a threesome excites me and we have discussed it but it comes back to the same thing. He would be happy with that threesome but if I asked to have a threesome with another man he would say no. I think equal is equal. One rule applying to all.
MrCastle Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I don't want him with another woman, I am his woman. I would never dream of asking if I could be with another man, I can't see how he can't even want to be with another woman. It just doesn't make sense to me. You're focusing too much on the gender aspect. It doesn't matter if you want to see women, men, or cartoon characters. You are attracted to women, so he should, too, be allowed to see people he's attracted to, in which case, is also women. Extending him the allowance of seeing men when the guy is straight makes no sense. That's you manipulating the situation to your liking. 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I don't want him with another woman, I am his woman. I would never dream of asking if I could be with another man, I can't see how he can't even want to be with another woman. It just doesn't make sense to me. You would be thy woman...other women would be the "other woman", that's how guys work, it makes as much sense to men as you being with another woman even though you're Bi, it makes no difference to men..the way they see it is you're getting what you need/want therefore they're entitled to the same thing...it's a trade-off, just because you want a blue lollipop while he wants a red one doesn't change the fact it's a lollipop, one just has chocolate filling in the middle, but that's personal choice which you choose, you can't say he has to want the same thing or nothing at all, especially when he'd rather eat nothing at all, it's not really a choice for him. You're incorporating your own personal feelings, based on the gender because you feel threatened by it...but that's really your own perception and feeling about it, he doesn't have to feel the same way...he could very well screw around without injecting too many significant emotions into it...since you're Bi, don't you technically run the same risk of emotional attachment as he does? there's nothing set in stone saying that your relationship with women is any less threatening or safe, and it doesn't justify the fact just because you are Bi, you could argue we just don't understand by not being Bi ourselves, but common sense would dictate fair is fair...you going outside the relationship for some sort of satisfaction while he cannot, just because he is attracted to a gender that is out of control, isn't exactly reasonable....regardless of how you feel about that yourself, how can you justify that is being more valid? Go ahead...give it a shot. 2
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You are attracted to women, so he should, too, be allowed to see people he's attracted to, in which case, is also women. No, I get that, but if the criteria is to be that we allowed to see other people (in his case women) then that also would allow me to see other men if I wished as I am also attracted to men. He is absolutely against that. To do it his way he would be able to see anyone else, effectively only woman as he is not bi. I would be only allowed so see other women even though I am also attracted to men. If my way is not fair then surely his is not either?
MrCastle Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 No, I get that, but if the criteria is to be that we allowed to see other people (in his case women) then that also would allow me to see other men if I wished as I am also attracted to men. He is absolutely against that. To do it his way he would be able to see anyone else, effectively only woman as he is not bi. I would be only allowed so see other women even though I am also attracted to men. If my way is not fair then surely his is not either? Well that's just it, I don't want to play the field. I only want to be with other people of the same sex, I have no interest in another man. It's equal if you both agree to see other women.
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 (you guys sound young). He is 38, I am 26.
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 is being with another woman for your own pleasure really worth making your relationship open? No it's not. I have no intention of having an open relationship. I could not imagine sitting at home while he was out with one of his girlfriends (is that what you'd call them)? He means everything to me, I want to marry him, he just has to get his butt into gear for that to happen. But I ask myself how I would feel never, ever, being with a woman again. I don't know that I can do that. If the only way, whether it be now or 10 or 20 years away is to allow him to see women as well, I don't know if I can do that either. He has proposed a compromise of a threesome with another woman. He will only give and receive oral from her. Still not sure of that either.
MrCastle Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 No it's not. I have no intention of having an open relationship. I could not imagine sitting at home while he was out with one of his girlfriends (is that what you'd call them)? He means everything to me, I want to marry him, he just has to get his butt into gear for that to happen. But I ask myself how I would feel never, ever, being with a woman again. I don't know that I can do that. If the only way, whether it be now or 10 or 20 years away is to allow him to see women as well, I don't know if I can do that either. He has proposed a compromise of a threesome with another woman. He will only give and receive oral from her. Still not sure of that either. So basically, you want to see other people but he can't? That's what it seems like. Relationships take compromise. If he can't do it, you can't do it. Or if you want to, then he can too. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 He is 38, I am 26. So you started dating this guy at 21 and him 33? man....I'm 32, that's a huge difference in terms of experience alone....I'd have you wrapped around my finger and would have already been seeing other women. Honestly, this whole situation is going downhill fast for me. I don't see this working, your feelings are fixed and you won't get over him being with another woman...he needs to just let you get your fix (you're much younger) and see if he can get any sloppy leftovers from the lesbian extravaganza. 2
Jane2011 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 OP, I was in a situation like this. I wasn't in the couple though. I was the "third." A guy I was dating (for just two months) had a girlfriend who was bisexual. She wanted to see other women and she allowed him to see other women (that would be me). Of course, she got mad jealous and nipped that in the bud pretty soon after he and I became involved, but still, on principle (at first), she did the right thing and "let" her boyfriend see the gender he is attracted to -- females -- while she saw the gender she is attracted to -- females. I'm on your boyfriend's side. I think you're the unreasonable one here. If I were him, I'd see you as obviously having your cake and eating it too. Doesn't matter what the gender of your secondary person is. The point is, you're getting fulfillment outside of your main relationship. He should be allowed to as well. I can rather guess that you'll get mad jealous of the other woman once she does come along, but you should at least have the decency to let him see people other than you if you are going to see people other than him. It's not fair that he should be deprived of the experience with a new person just because he's not bisexual.
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 So you started dating this guy at 21 and him 33? We actually started dating about a year earlier but became exclusive 5 years ago. I had split from my girlfriend, he was around and was a fun guy. I went out with him just for some fun but fell in love, I never intended that to happen but it did. Once it did I wasn't going to walk away just because he is older.
kaylan Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 No double standards OP. Either you both be monogamous or neither of you are. Its only fair. And this thread is why I only date straight women. I want a woman who needs men and only men. I dont deal with that sharing crap. Bi girls are either just friends, or just fwb. Sorry, just how I feel. Ive always seen my guy friends or lesbian friends deal with drama dating bisexual women, and its turned me off to them as long term possibles.
Jane2011 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Also, the idea that a bisexual person "has" to have love (and a full relationship) with/from both genders or else they forever feel deprived...I don't really buy. I mean, by that logic, a straight person (male) who likes studious, intellectual women just as much as he likes partying, wild ones could make the claim that he HAS to be with each a studious, intellectual woman AND a wild, partying one or else he just doesn't feel right/isn't fulfilled. And who's to tell him no? After all, he doesn't know if he can go the rest of his life being just with his intellectual, studious girlfriend and never feel the touch of a wild, partying woman again. After all, if you're genuinely attracted to two different things, you should get to have both, right? Not really. You could actually decide to be with one or the other and not claim you're deprived. There are people who don't even have one partner and survive emotionally. To say you're deprived if you can't have both types you're attracted to is kind of ridiculous. 4
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I'm on your boyfriend's side Hmmm, well it looks like he is right again. I must say I am really surprised. He will have a field day reading this tonight. I guess my decision then is to allow him to see other women or to suppress my desire and neither of us see anyone else. If he is allowed to see either sex as people here are suggesting does that mean I can see either sex as well? As I said earlier, he wont go for that so I guess this is all a pipe dream. Maybe his threesome compromise is the only way to go?
Mycteria Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Gender is irrelevant. You should both be allowed to see other people (regardless of gender) or not. To tell him that he can only see other people if they are men is unfair (for obvious reasons). But to tell you that you can only see other women while he also sees other women is also unfair. To be completely fair, you guys should be able to see whoever you want to see - you should be able to see other men and women and he should be able to see other men and women. I realize that he's straight, so he won't excersize that last option, but it's an option nonetheless. The truth here is that BOTH of you are being unfair to the other. You don't want to see him with women because it would make you jealous, and he doesn't want you to be with other men because it would make him jealous. The reality is that no one person is going to be everything that a person needs. You may think that you should be "all the woman he needs" but the truth is that other women will be able to offer him things that you cannot, simply because you are a unique individual. It doesn't make them better than you, and it doesn't mean that he will want them more than you. It just means that they will be different from you. Just like women will offer you things that he cannot possibly offer. It doesn't make hem better than him and it doesn't mean you'd rather be with a woman. You are making this strictly about gender, when it's not. You want something different...well, so does he. If you want to do this, you have to be fair about it. And it appears that neither of you are willing to do that. 1
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Well, the way I see it is who you are attracted to does not give you license to go out and sleep with other people. I'm attracted to men, does that mean I should go out and sleep with other men from time to time? The fact that I'm talking about a man has no difference to the fact you're talking about being a woman. You claim to be bi-sexual and attracted to both sexes well good, great, goodness but I don't think that should mean you get both at the same time. Just as just because as a man is attracted to women, or a women attracted to men, shouldn't mean they run out and sleep with others. Now, obviously every relationship has different dynamics. There are polyamorous, open, swinging relationships etc. and as long as both people in those types are happy and okay then it really doesn't matter what I think about it. But, in your case your boyfriend is clearly not okay with you seeing someone on the side and why should he be? I will repeat myself once again; being attracted to both sexes does not mean you get to have side sex with others while in a committed relationship. He's right that your offer to let him sleep with other men is ridiculous and it's made all the more ridiculous when in the context that you know he isn't attracted to men in the first place. Now, you want to go eat at the Y and he might too so I guess the compromise will need to be either you say no to the white wine with your fish, or you let him have some of what you're having. If you're not okay with him being with other women then you're being both selfish and a hypocrite. 1
Jane2011 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Hmmm, well it looks like he is right again. I must say I am really surprised. He will have a field day reading this tonight. I guess my decision then is to allow him to see other women or to suppress my desire and neither of us see anyone else. If he is allowed to see either sex as people here are suggesting does that mean I can see either sex as well? As I said earlier, he wont go for that so I guess this is all a pipe dream. Maybe his threesome compromise is the only way to go? Couples I know of who are like you two (and I know of one from that one I was involved with) do it like this: she sees other women (only) and he sees other women (only, because that's all he's attracted to). In other words, she's the one who has to deal with the bigger jealousy risk. But that works for them. And arguably, I'd say it's a fair deal in their case given that it's her bisexuality (and desire to see women) which necessitated them having an open relationship at all. I think you should see this as an opportunity to test your emotional mettle. Let him see other women while you see other women. It will be hard for you, but think of it as a challenge. (And a tradeoff, too, for giving yourself the luxury of having two partners which you by no means "need.")
Author jodi_michael Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Also, the idea that a bisexual person "has" to have love (and a full relationship) with/from both genders or else they forever feel deprived...I don't really buy. I don't claim I have to have both, I certainly don't. But life is short, why not be as happy as you can be? If that means enjoying the differences that both genders bring to the bedroom then why not? The only reason I can see not to is because your partner does not want that and out of respect to them you do not do it.
Recommended Posts