shesinabadmood Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 So I dated my ex for almost 3 years, and for the last year or so it was basically "platonic". That ended about 3 or 4 months ago, but I was pretty detached from the relationship when we split, have since moved on, and have been dating again. I am trying to maintain a friendship with my ex because we basically share all the same friends, we live in small-town kind of atmosphere where friends run into each other regularly, and I also think we can be good friends. The problem that while I am very much over her, have no romantic or sexual feelings at all toward her, and have thoroughly moved on, I'm not sure she can say the same. We see each other probably more often than we should, about once a week or something, mostly because I feel bad and I know she's having a hard time. Primarily we just go for walks or occasionally work out. We may or may not run into each other seeing mutual friends on the weekends. She often tells me she misses me, or is having a very hard time with our breakup, is feeling heartbroken, etc., and I kind of listen, but it's pretty clear I don't feel the same way. I’ve started dating and have met someone I really like. It’s too early to even mention the “I’m friends with my ex” thing, but I am worried I’m going to run into my ex with this new girl, and my ex will flip out, end up crying, or start some sort of drama. I don't want to cut off contact because of such a close group of friends, and I don't want to put them in a position where they are choosing who to invite to what. But I'm not sure how to handle this one, because I also don't want my ex ruining a potentially good relationship I'm starting with this new girl. Any advice?
lop98 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) Providing you're not the one inviting, you accept to go out once a week knowing how she feels about you, because you feel "bad"?, so what you feel better with yourself by doing charity work and going out with her? does it relieve some guilt? you're leading her on, you seem bothered that she still has feelings for you... why would that be? because you keep feeding the hope she has, contributing to her inability to move on... and somewhere on the way that hope has worked like gold for you, making you more confident, ready for new relationships.. except now it's turned a little too uncomfortable for you because she might "ruin" your new relationship or worse, wreck your social circle. You treat her like a pester (crying, that sort of drama, ew) but it sounds more like it's you that's the pester. Unfortunately dating and breaking up with someone within a small group of friends is not exactly paradise... so you're going to have to own up to your part in that, ugh, "drama", put some distance between her and you, and hopefully be sincere and explain to her that you've moved on and are dating someone else. Yes, she will feel bad, and you will feel bad, but you will kill all false hope and she WILL move on, and the more time goes by, the more she will clear up her mind and realize it was not worth it once she remembers the cute weekly walks and how consciously or unconsciously you toyed her around after the breakup, and then you can celebrate because you'll never hear from that annoying girl again. Edited August 5, 2013 by lop98 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 It's not that your ex "won't get over you". She wants to, probably. She will definitely want to when she finds out about new girlfriend. But, if you keep seeing her, she can't. If you really, really want to feel good about how nice you are to her in this time of need, bring new people into her life who can support her, but who will no longer link her to you. Otherwise, just let her go. You can't do the friends thing now.
Quiet Storm Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 You are going to have to cut contact, at least for awhile. Staying in contact is keeping her feelings alive. It's not fair to her.
Daffodil74 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I think I was in a similar position as that of your ex so can understand her feelings and behaviours to some extent. My ex also wants to be good friends. He texts me about random things, asks me out either with him or with him and his partner for dinners, lunches, movies, road trips, shopping, you name it . Thanks to LS, I understand that he just feels guilty and wants to do that to make him feel good. So I refuse to go out with him. It sucks sometimes as we have many mutual friends who invite us to birthday parties, celebration, catch up, etc. Sometimes I have no choice but go to some events. Seeing him /his texts makes me feel awful (all sorts of feelings: resentment, missing, romantic, hope). If I don't see him nor hear from him for many days, I feel 'normal', balanced and optimistic about my future. If you sincerely want good things for her, instead of wanting to satisfy your ego, or get rid of your guilt, please stop contacting her by any means. If she ever contacts you (by phone, email, in person), explain clearly to her that you do that because you want her to move on. That you no longer have romantic/sexual feelings for her. You are seeing somebody else and like that girl very much. And you hope she will find her companion soon. Time will heal everything if one wants to. 2
heartshapedrocks Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 cut contact enjoy your new life let you ex do the same.
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