Spark1111 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Yes I called the OW. My husband gave me her number on Dday after I asked him for it.v Unfortunately she was too much of a coward to talk to me. I asked to speak to her she said it was a wrong number and hung up. She then proceeded to text my husband over the next few weeks trying to resume contact and asking my husband to call her. I called back and left a message for her and she changed her number the next day. I'm kind of glad now we never spoke, she had no remorse and probably would have tried to dig the knife deeper. After my five phone calls -- one to check if that number was her number; one offering the olive branch and then three relaying MY schedule for that day and when to best reach me -- She called him and said I had STEPPED over the line! AND that I was vicious! AHAHAHAHA! You cannot make this crap up.
Spotme Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I knew the AP - we were "friends." I already knew that her world view was very different from mine, so I knew on DDay that I would only find speaking to her very frustrating. She would not have given me any kind of helpful responses. Since she freezes up when confronted with anything emotional, however, there's a chance I could have called her up or gone to see her and told her what I thought of her without her saying anything. I'm pretty sure, given how angry I was, though, that I would have used very personal information I had learned about her history to really hurt her as much as I could, and that would have so far violated the standards I set for myself in how I believe I should treat other people that I would not have been able to forgive myself afterward. So to sum up - I knew anything she had to say would only make me angrier and my own anger would have prevented me from conducting any kind of calm conversation that would have been beneficial to me anyway and probably would have left me with a lot of guilt.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I didnt believe the dumb story i was told, did some investigating, and located the owner of the pink and black thong that had mysteriously appeared in a pillowcase. I had a quick text chat with her. She was unaware that my xbf had a live in gf. That is how fake Dday #1 came about last year. DDay #2 was prompted by a seemingly innocent text (I guess it's been 2 months now) that xbf sent to a "friend" who I shall call gym girl. She's been around for awhile, I know her but have only spoken to her once or twice. Her and bf have been "friends" for awhile. She's had a crush on him for a long time. She always would bring him little presents to the gym, stop by the house "just driving by!" with treats for the dog, call him with her problems, and even one time bought him an expensive jacket to say "thank you" for his help with her training. Wayyyyy above and beyond any normal behavior, she was always "running into" him, really very obvious about the fact that she liked him. I pointed this out once or twice and he would just say, "she's harmless, a little annoying but harmless" He slept with her once after I broke up with him after fake Dday #1. I, of course was not informed of that little fact. I never paid much attention to her because she really just came across as pathetic in a bizarre sort of way, and I never in a million years considered her any sort of competition. I really did not think I was in a competition at all up until I realized I was in one the whole time. Oops. Anywho, after Dday #2 when he spilled the beans on the real deal about his behavior last year, that the "one girl one time" was really a full blown cheating bonanza complete with CL and backpage escorts, Ashley Madison married women, POF hook ups, massage parlors, on and on and on, I sort of lost my mind a little. He also at this time informed me that he had in fact had sex with gym girl while we were broken up but had decided not to tell me and stay friends with her anyway. All of her "pathetic" "harmless" behavior suddenly seemed to be cast in a different light to me at that moment. What a freaking beyotch, I thought- man I felt like the biggest moron chump. That girl had been in my house, I was always pleasant to her, waved hi to her.... Ugh I didn't do anything too terrible. I found an article aimed for teenage girls titled "how to steal another girls boyfriend" and emailed it to her, along with step by step commentary on what she did right and wrong according to the article- at the end I gave her a B grade and said she did pretty well and have her some pointers on how I thought she could improve on her strategy for next time. Then I texted her a screenshot of the naked pics she had sent to my bf over the last year and said, "Hey girl! hope all is well. just wondering if u want me to forward these to ur bf? I wasn't sure if he had all of them? Just looking out for u as a friend. :)" she texted me back an onslaught of nastiness and threats for about a week which I ignored completely. I don't know who her bf is or have his number or I probably would have done it at the time in the state of mind I was in. It was all very juvenile but whatever.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Haha the email was still in my sent mail folder. This was the article. Get a Guy Who Has a Girlfriend - wikiHow For the record I am not proud of what I did and I wish I had just done nothing. But the article is kind of hilarious.
glindathgood Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I dont think I would want to know. I wouldn't believe either one of them.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 (edited) One more, I almost forgot. We can also file this one under Things not to do: I sent 3 way texts randomly the first few days to xbf and gym girl, things like, "Good morning, lovebirds! Have you two come up with any new secrets to keep since yesterday? Just wondering. Have a great day!" "Reminder: you are both in your 30's. guess what that means? adulthood! Yes, you are free to be together if you would like- nobody is holding either of you hostage. Go for it!" That is all I can remember right now but there were more. Very embarrassing. I was really upset at the time I did all of these things and I wish I never did them- in hindsight I am the one who looked pathetic, and quite bitter. Oh well Edited August 6, 2013 by Betterthanthis13 1
HopingAgain Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 After my five phone calls -- one to check if that number was her number; one offering the olive branch and then three relaying MY schedule for that day and when to best reach me -- She called him and said I had STEPPED over the line! AND that I was vicious! AHAHAHAHA! You cannot make this crap up. Yes, its like reality and common sense just fly out of the window with some affair participants. Its so amazing when an OW or OM somehow feel the BS is invading THEIR life upon confrontation! Lol
BetrayedH Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 One more, I almost forgot. We can also file this one under Things not to do: I sent 3 way texts randomly the first few days to xbf and gym girl, things like, "Good morning, lovebirds! Have you two come up with any new secrets to keep since yesterday? Just wondering. Have a great day!" "Reminder: you are both in your 30's. guess what that means? adulthood! Yes, you are free to be together if you would like- nobody is holding either of you hostage. Go for it!" That is all I can remember right now but there were more. Very embarrassing. I was really upset at the time I did all of these things and I wish I never did them- in hindsight I am the one who looked pathetic, and quite bitter. Oh well I think you are hysterical. 3
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)? Contact OM? Yes. This was years after the A had ended Why? The A ended without a D-day. I wanted him to know that I knew about the affair. I couldn't move forward knowing that he thought he got away scot-free. (I still think he got away scot-free, but at least now he knows that I know). I wanted him to know that his actions caused great harm and pain. Spouse's consent? I did not ask or tell WW. She lost all rights to regulate what I can do in regards to her OM. She didn't ask for my permission to have an affair, so I'm not going to ask her permission to contact the OM. Closure? Not completely but enough to move forward 2
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Contact OM? Yes. This was years after the A had ended Why? The A ended without a D-day. I wanted him to know that I knew about the affair. I couldn't move forward knowing that he thought he got away scot-free. (I still think he got away scot-free, but at least now he knows that I know). I wanted him to know that his actions caused great harm and pain. Spouse's consent? I did not ask or tell WW. She lost all rights to regulate what I can do in regards to her OM. She didn't ask for my permission to have an affair, so I'm not going to ask her permission to contact the OM. Closure? Not completely but enough to move forward I missed the "spouse's consent" part of the OP's question. That doesn't register in my head. Why would I need spousal consent to speak to another person? I am not in jail or under the rule of a dictator last time I checked. Unless it was their boss at work or some authority figure that could jealordize their livelihood, but even then, WS nullified that implied social contract by sleeping with them. As far as I'm concerned, I give myself permission to speak to any person on planet earth I want to. I don't think I should have contacted the OW's because it was petty, stupid, a waste of my time, and not beneficial for my healing (although entertaining for me at the time), not because of anything to do with what WS or OW thought. Their feelings were irrelevant in my decision. 1
krazikat Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I missed the "spouse's consent" part of the OP's question. That doesn't register in my head. Why would I need spousal consent to speak to another person? I am not in jail or under the rule of a dictator last time I checked. Unless it was their boss at work or some authority figure that could jealordize their livelihood, but even then, WS nullified that implied social contract by sleeping with them. As far as I'm concerned, I give myself permission to speak to any person on planet earth I want to. I don't think I should have contacted the OW's because it was petty, stupid, a waste of my time, and not beneficial for my healing (although entertaining for me at the time), not because of anything to do with what WS or OW thought. Their feelings were irrelevant in my decision. I know right! Ws sure the heck didnt get my consent to eff the girl, why would I be worried about consent to talk to her??? I certainly would not feel obligated to ask or even tell ws about the contact. 2
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I know right! Ws sure the heck didnt get my consent to eff the girl, why would I be worried about consent to talk to her??? I certainly would not feel obligated to ask or even tell ws about the contact. I also think the idea of consent or "permission" has no place in a marriage, period. Common courtesy, yes- friendship, yes- but not permission. Permission is for when one person has authority over another person. "How do you feel about me signing up for an art class on Thursday nights?" Is very different from "Can I sign up for an art class on Thursday nights?" The decision will affect both people and warrants discussion, but the second question assumes that the spouse has authority over the asker. It might not seem like a big deal in day to day chit chat, but if you start noticing these patterns often one spouse will make statements and the other asks permission, and that is an unhealthy balance. "I'm going to be home late tonight" "Ok honey. Is it ok if I run by moms then?" "Sure, I'll see you around 8" In my opinion, healthy would be both spouses checking in with each other to make sure each is cool with what's going on. "Boss wants me to stay a little late, how do you feel about that?" "Ok, in that case I can run by moms tonight instead of tomorrow if that works for you?" "Great, see you at 8" Back to cheating and how this ties in to contacting OW/OM. If asking permission is not healthy by my estimation, then the opposite- ignoring the opinion of your spouse (what i did) is not healthy either, and balance is the thing to strive for, right? So.....Ideally, per my examples, I suppose I would have said "how do you feel about me reaching out to gym girl and harassing her a little, maybe having some fun at her expense for my own petty enjoyment? Also, I'd like to send the both of you some obnoxious 3 way texts with the intent of making you feel stupid, and making her paranoid that I am going to tell her boyfriend that she has been following you around like a puppy and sending you pictures of her butt and her hoohoo?" "Uhhhhh" "Ok then thanks for clearing that up" Communication is great! Ha. I'm on a roll today 1
krazikat Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I also think the idea of consent or "permission" has no place in a marriage, period. Common courtesy, yes- friendship, yes- but not permission. Permission is for when one person has authority over another person. "How do you feel about me signing up for an art class on Thursday nights?" Is very different from "Can I sign up for an art class on Thursday nights?" The decision will affect both people and warrants discussion, but the second question assumes that the spouse has authority over the asker. It might not seem like a big deal in day to day chit chat, but if you start noticing these patterns often one spouse will make statements and the other asks permission, and that is an unhealthy balance. "I'm going to be home late tonight" "Ok honey. Is it ok if I run by moms then?" "Sure, I'll see you around 8" In my opinion, healthy would be both spouses checking in with each other to make sure each is cool with what's going on. "Boss wants me to stay a little late, how do you feel about that?" "Ok, in that case I can run by moms tonight instead of tomorrow if that works for you?" "Great, see you at 8" Back to cheating and how this ties in to contacting OW/OM. If asking permission is not healthy by my estimation, then the opposite- ignoring the opinion of your spouse (what i did) is not healthy either, and balance is the thing to strive for, right? So.....Ideally, per my examples, I suppose I would have said "how do you feel about me reaching out to gym girl and harassing her a little, maybe having some fun at her expense for my own petty enjoyment? Also, I'd like to send the both of you some obnoxious 3 way texts with the intent of making you feel stupid, and making her paranoid that I am going to tell her boyfriend that she has been following you around like a puppy and sending you pictures of her butt and her hoohoo?" "Uhhhhh" "Ok then thanks for clearing that up" Communication is great! Ha. I'm on a roll today oh I needed that laugh! You are on a roll!
Recommended Posts