Contacting the OW/OM

[Goodbye]

Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)?

[Spark1111]

My IC was totally against it, but I had thrown my H out after DDAY to go be with his soulmate even though he seesawed between begging me back and being angry with me.

 

So I left her alone. I figured ( projected) she was a lonely divorcee who was lied to as much as I was and actually felt sorry for her. My double barrels were pointed at him!

 

Six months later, when I decided to give him a chance to reconcile, his trickle-tru thing was causing me the crazies and I was calling the Divorce lawyer.

 

I called her three times, offering an olive branch and giving her times she could reach me either at work or at home. They were co-workers and I just wanted it all behind me. I did not want to bump into her at a company event and thought she would not want that either.

 

She did not return my calls so I figured she had moved and did not want to revisit the past. So be it.

 

two years later she brazenly broke NC by finding him at his new office-- he had transferred 50 miles away to save our marriage --and pushed every button he had to see if he would be interested in reinitiating the affair.

 

He told me immediately, and with the same support he had given me every other time I had contacted her, I called her at work for the very first time, and kept calling until she stopped dodging her phone calls.

 

It was the most bizarre three minutes of my life: she hated me, professed to hate him, denigrated my friends, MY CHILDREN; NOTHING was her fault. In other words, totally bat shyte crazy!

 

learning she was as broken and crazy as my H at that time, and NOTHING like me: Good!

 

Learning he almost threw us away for THAT angry, needy and unstable woman who was NOTHING like me: NOT GOOD.

 

my reaction? For that woman you almost threw us away? My very healthy ego was very upset about it:rolleyes:

 

My advice? talking to her explained so much, certainly about his emotional and mental state. But do NOT have any attachments about it.

 

It can help, but also hinder your healing for a long time. Yet, I am glad I did it.

[krazikat]

Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)?

 

I did contact ow...well, I discovered the A when he forgot to silence his A phone, and I heard it going off repeatedly when I was getting ready for bed. I answered it, and ow was on the line demanding I put my h on the phone...she was a vulgar, nasty thing. She had been calling him dozens of times, over and over in a short period of time. The shyte hit the fan that night, dday. The day the rug was pulled out from under my feet. She tried to deny at first, but between the following calls I delved into the text messages. Discovered the A had ended a while before, her eloquent text "you only dumped me cuz you felt guilty getting p***y" and more. Tho the A had ended, they had still been in contact. She told me lie after lie when all I wanted to know was how long it had been going on. Her answer for me was to ask me if I liked the taste of her p***y. Apparently, she really likes that word.

 

I lost my ever lovin mind, and a war of sorts commenced.

 

I did contact her shortly after for myself, to apologize for my behavior since that is not who I am. I needed to do that for me, so that I could close that book so to speak. We had a long talk...she also apologized and then cried to me about it all. I let her vent, took what she said with a grain of salt tho as she did continue to lie to me...for example she told me she dumped him because he didn't meet her timeframe to leave me...she apparently didn't believe that by then I had seen numerous texts and even heard voicemails she left. Also, after dday, she would not stop calling my h saying she loved him and he was her world and they would never be over...again he had already ended things with her...at this point he changed his number, just days after dday. So I knew she was hurt and angry and truly loved him, so I let her vent. After this convo I considered it done, my apology was made.

 

Several weeks later she began calling me at 4am blowing up my phone. She said all kinds of crazy, incoherent, unreal lies...such as they lived together, they had gone on some couple week long cross country vacation, etc...things that were in no way possible I definitely would have noticed my husband being gone or living somewhere else. She apparently thought I travel for work way more than I do, but as it was my h worked during the day and was home with me every night, unless I was traveling for work, which was only a couple weeks a year, which he then had the kids so ya, pretty impossible. But he did manage to stay the night with her a few times when I was traveling...but anyways it was impossible..it was bizarre. I had to block her from calling me.

 

My point in saying all of this is that yes, I did contact her and yes, I did get closure but had I not had access to their messages to know just how much she was lying in black and white I may have believed her over my husband...well, not the crazy stuff, but enough that I may not still be with my h because as it was I was ready for divorce.

 

What I learned was that contacting the other may not be a good idea unless you already know enough facts to know if they are telling you lies in an effort to ensure that you divorce so they have a chance at getting them.

Edited August 5, 2013 by krazikat

[krazikat]

My IC was totally against it, but I had thrown my H out after DDAY to go be with his soulmate even though he seesawed between begging me back and being angry with me.

 

So I left her alone. I figured ( projected) she was a lonely divorcee who was lied to as much as I was and actually felt sorry for her. My double barrels were pointed at him!

 

Six months later, when I decided to give him a chance to reconcile, his trickle-tru thing was causing me the crazies and I was calling the Divorce lawyer.

 

I called her three times, offering an olive branch and giving her times she could reach me either at work or at home. They were co-workers and I just wanted it all behind me. I did not want to bump into her at a company event and thought she would not want that either.

 

She did not return my calls so I figured she had moved and did not want to revisit the past. So be it.

 

two years later she brazenly broke NC by finding him at his new office-- he had transferred 50 miles away to save our marriage --and pushed every button he had to see if he would be interested in reinitiating the affair.

 

He told me immediately, and with the same support he had given me every other time I had contacted her, I called her at work for the very first time, and kept calling until she stopped dodging her phone calls.

 

It was the most bizarre three minutes of my life: she hated me, professed to hate him, denigrated my friends, MY CHILDREN; NOTHING was her fault. In other words, totally bat shyte crazy!

 

learning she was as broken and crazy as my H at that time, and NOTHING like me: Good!

 

Learning he almost threw us away for THAT angry, needy and unstable woman who was NOTHING like me: NOT GOOD.

 

my reaction? For that woman you almost threw us away? My very healthy ego was very upset about it:rolleyes:

 

My advice? talking to her explained so much, certainly about his emotional and mental state. But do NOT have any attachments about it.

 

It can help, but also hinder your healing for a long time. Yet, I am glad I did it.

 

Spark, sorry you had to deal with that. It is crazy that some ow lash out at BS like that...mine was the same way.

 

What you said about your h mental state at the time...that was mine, too. Total alcoholic and after dday I found out about the drugs, too. She was the same way, they were dysfunctional together. She supported his habits, while I was the "nag" at home attributing all the suspicious behaviors to drinking. He stopped all immediately after dday and has been clean and sober ever since. The man I fell in love with is back. but I now know that drinking will be my deal breaker, because I don't want to go thru any part of this again.

[Furious]

Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)?

 

I had hired a PI after coming across something that struck my gut instinct. Within a short period of time my investigator supplied me with concrete proof of my husband's long distance affair and along with it information and the background of his affair partner.

 

I never contacted the OW. For many weeks I agonized about contacting her husband and I finally mustered up the courage to give him the truth, as I would have wanted if the shoe was on the other foot. To my relief he was thankful for the truth and said if he had known he would have also contacted me with the truth.

 

Shortly after my contacting her husband the OW called me in a rage. She was angry and said I had no right to interfere in her life. Strange that she could insert herself in my life but she felt I had no right to give her husband his right to the truth and to his reality.

 

That brief telephone conversation was all I needed to know about her. Truthfully my concern was with my husband's actions and betrayal and overall the OW was irrelevant to me as I was irrelevant to her. Intellectually I understood her mindset even though it's not how I live my life and not how I would treat anyone whether it be someone close to me or a virtual stranger.

 

I have to admit I had hoped she was kind and had a conscience but that was not to be and I can live with that.

 

Sincerity and owning whatever one does is a pathway to becoming authentic and offers empathy and true healing for all involved. Sadly, not too many follow that path and I wish more would take that road.

[LimeBlue]

I have been in both situations - I was the WW at one point in a PA, and I have been the OW in an EA. The PA partner ended up ****ing another woman whilst I was sorting some life problems out in other areas. She has no idea that him and I had sex but she does know me fairly well. Would i ever tell her the details? No what for? I hate her, I think she is a lowlife scumbag, but what happened between him and I, will stay between him and I. With my EA, I could easily tell his girlfriend but I do not know her (I know how I could contact her though). I have every single text message saved and that would be a huge amount of concrete evidence I could send to her, but would I do it? Never. It is not my place, and not my business. I feel for her because I know more about the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, than what she knows about him and it is a crying shame actually because he is a serial cheater, and is dishonest with her on a number of issues (those that he tells me about, there are probably hundreds more). Telling the BS just causes more harm, more upset, and more problems than ever. I certainly would not gain from it, nor would anyone else. I believe in just leaving it be.

[krazikat]

I have been in both situations - I was the WW at one point in a PA, and I have been the OW in an EA. The PA partner ended up ****ing another woman whilst I was sorting some life problems out in other areas. She has no idea that him and I had sex but she does know me fairly well. Would i ever tell her the details? No what for? I hate her, I think she is a lowlife scumbag, but what happened between him and I, will stay between him and I. With my EA, I could easily tell his girlfriend but I do not know her (I know how I could contact her though). I have every single text message saved and that would be a huge amount of concrete evidence I could send to her, but would I do it? Never. It is not my place, and not my business. I feel for her because I know more about the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, than what she knows about him and it is a crying shame actually because he is a serial cheater, and is dishonest with her on a number of issues (those that he tells me about, there are probably hundreds more). Telling the BS just causes more harm, more upset, and more problems than ever. I certainly would not gain from it, nor would anyone else. I believe in just leaving it be.

 

In that scenario, with a serial cheater, he is putting her at risk. He will never tell her...don't you think she should have the truth of her relationship?

[NotCamelot]

On the very morning I had 100% proof called the sorry SOB at work, 8:39AM, and told him to stay away from my wife. Minutes later I called my W and told her I had just spoke to him. She had no idea that I was on the trail. So I caught the two of the completely off guard.

 

I then called the OMs W as well. I spoke to her 5 times that day.

 

About 2 months later I contacted him again explaining how sorry and disgusting he is. He begged me for forgiveness.......over and over. I have forgiven my W. But I don't think I will ever forgive him.

 

The reason I contacted him was to put a stop to the A. Very simple motive. I loved my W still that morning, and I had to put a stop to it. I figured that, since he was married too, I would call him and let him know that I'd be talking to his wife about all my evidence. He had told my W ILY in a text an hour before I called him. That was the last she heard from him.

[NotCamelot]

The truth I need comes from my husband and I know people will say I am a fool, but honestly, if I did not think I was getting the whole truth from him I would not be reconciling- to me, if I am reconciling its because I trust him now and feel he is being truthful, even painfully so-

 

 

I ended up finding out more truth from my wife's APs wife than I did from her.......and some things from him too. It seems that all WS fail to tell everything. They do it to protect themselves and, some say, to protect us as well, even though it tends to make things worse.

[BetrayedH]

I have been in both situations - I was the WW at one point in a PA, and I have been the OW in an EA. The PA partner ended up ****ing another woman whilst I was sorting some life problems out in other areas. She has no idea that him and I had sex but she does know me fairly well. Would i ever tell her the details? No what for? I hate her, I think she is a lowlife scumbag, but what happened between him and I, will stay between him and I. With my EA, I could easily tell his girlfriend but I do not know her (I know how I could contact her though). I have every single text message saved and that would be a huge amount of concrete evidence I could send to her, but would I do it? Never. It is not my place, and not my business. I feel for her because I know more about the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, than what she knows about him and it is a crying shame actually because he is a serial cheater, and is dishonest with her on a number of issues (those that he tells me about, there are probably hundreds more). Telling the BS just causes more harm, more upset, and more problems than ever. I certainly would not gain from it, nor would anyone else. I believe in just leaving it be.

 

Considering that she is unknowingly committed to a serial cheater, the truth would most certainly help her. Your silence is what's hurting her. I find it ironic that you can participate in someone's betrayal but when it's time to come clean, it's not your place or your business. Nonsense.

[So happy together]

I ended up finding out more truth from my wife's APs wife than I did from her.......and some things from him too. It seems that all WS fail to tell everything. They do it to protect themselves and, some say, to protect us as well, even though it tends to make things worse.

 

 

 

I am sorry that happened for you, like I said, some will say I am a fool for believing the way I do-but for me, I do need to get what I need from my husband and I do believe he is telling me the truth- I believe each person tells the story from their own standpoint, and the standpoint of our OW is irrelevant to me- again, because she has proven to be unbalanced- all situations are different-

 

 

Even if she wasn't unbalanced, I think this is a really healthy way of handling it. And I think any OW who keeps contacting after being asked not to deserves a restraining order against her.

[hippetyhop]

As someone who was the OW, if the BS reached out and contacted me--I would reply with open arms.

[krazikat]

I ended up finding out more truth from my wife's APs wife than I did from her.......and some things from him too. It seems that all WS fail to tell everything. They do it to protect themselves and, some say, to protect us as well, even though it tends to make things worse.

 

 

 

I am sorry that happened for you, like I said, some will say I am a fool for believing the way I do-but for me, I do need to get what I need from my husband and I do believe he is telling me the truth- I believe each person tells the story from their own standpoint, and the standpoint of our OW is irrelevant to me- again, because she has proven to be unbalanced- all situations are different-

 

The ow in my sitch was definitely the liar...as I said above it was crazy lies...I might as well beloved in unicorns if I were to believe her. My husband actually was the one to give me the truth. So no, not a fool. Not all lie after dday, I know my H genuinely wants to keep his marriage and he knows I will not play around.

 

Funny (ish) thing happened last night. We were leaving for date night, and I get in the car and a cell phone is plugged in. I picked it up, instantly on guard and asked, what is this? He looks at it, shakes his head and with a smile said "I know what will happen and I don't plan on packing my bags and losing my family, that is (our oldest Childs name)" It was an old cell phone that she Carries around for music because she hasn't had the chance to put it on her new phone, and she had forgotten in the car earlier.

 

Let me add, ow was the liar AFTER dday. H lied plenty before...but he has been honest about the A after.

Edited August 5, 2013 by krazikat

[BetrayedH]

My wife's affair was with her boss. When she recommitted to our marriage and promised NC, I considered her commitment to be half the equation. I wanted to hear the OM's intentions with my own ears.

 

Kind of a waste of my time since you can't trust a word that's said. Plus, at the end of the day, it was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed. He was just a guy happy to get laid. I never spent a lot of time dwelling on him except when I caught them breaking NC.

 

I do belive the dynamics are different for women much of the time. The BW ends up more pissed at the OW than at her H and the OW is more pissed at the BW than at the MM. The competitive relationship between those two women is a dynamic I don't fully comprehend but it's there all too often nonetheless. But because it carries that level of import to the two women involved, I believe that apologies and honest communication between them does have a greater impact on closure. Of course, it also has the potential to be that much more volatile, too. If I were an OW, I wouldn't make much contact unless you are truly done with the affair and apologetic (or if you're forcing a Dday via exposure).

[LimeBlue]

In that scenario, with a serial cheater, he is putting her at risk. He will never tell her...don't you think she should have the truth of her relationship?

 

He seems to be pretty good at maintaining one side of himself when he is with her, and she never ever sees the side that I see. I see the tears, the anguish, his moods, his outbursts, the way he talks to badly to people sometimes, his cheating - he hides this huge part of himself from her at all times. When he is with her he maintains a ray of sunshine persona. I don't think she has any idea what he is really really like as a person at all, and they have been together for almost three years in a LDR.

[Spark1111]

My wife's affair was with her boss. When she recommitted to our marriage and promised NC, I considered her commitment to be half the equation. I wanted to hear the OM's intentions with my own ears.

 

Kind of a waste of my time since you can't trust a word that's said. Plus, at the end of the day, it was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed. He was just a guy happy to get laid. I never spent a lot of time dwelling on him except when I caught them breaking NC.

 

I do belive the dynamics are different for women much of the time. The BW ends up more pissed at the OW than at her H and the OW is more pissed at the BW than at the MM. The competitive relationship between those two women is a dynamic I don't fully comprehend but it's there all too often nonetheless. But because it carries that level of import to the two women involved, I believe that apologies and honest communication between them does have a greater impact on closure. Of course, it also has the potential to be that much more volatile, too. If I were an OW, I wouldn't make much contact unless you are truly done with the affair and apologetic (or if you're forcing a Dday via exposure).

 

 

Agree! And as I have said over and over and over again, IF SHE wanted to know the truth of our relationship, I was only ever one phone call away!

 

So, on some level I have concluded she believed his lies because she NEEDED to.

 

He let her down gently, too gently (as most MAPs do) and she NEEDED to believe he came home for the kids but was secretly pining for his one true love, hence the breaking of NC to fish for reinitiating.

 

She was absolutely gob smacked at what I knew of her that he had told me, and as I put down the phone I was not only stunned by her histrionics, I was amazed that she did not have ONE question for me!

 

Not a single one.

[NotCamelot]

Contacting the OM was more for my benenfit than for anyone. And it worked out for me.

 

However, talking to his W was the most helpful thing of all - for me and her. And later in the day, on one her calls back to me, she told me she found out about my W going to their house, in her bed, while her kids were home. She was so pissed! You should have seen the look on my Ws face that evening when I told her about that. That was one she did not tell me. She swears she never saw the kids nor knew they were there.

 

But in the talks with the OM, it was evident that his action with my W was revenge for what his W had done the year before. He mentioned regret many times. He apologized over and over. And he begged for forgiveness.

 

But, as I have said, he also gave some details my W would not talk about. Nothing nitty gritty. But a lot of where/when stuff that she wouldn't say.....

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)?

 

I called OM's boss. OM was let go shortly after that. The day OM was let go I called him and introduced myself. I told OM he was lucky that all he lost was his job, and if there was a next time, he would not get off so easy.

[compulsivedancer]

As someone who was the OW, if the BS reached out and contacted me--I would reply with open arms.

 

Me too. (LS says I need 10 characters for a response).

[So happy together]

I called OM's boss. OM was let go shortly after that. The day OM was let go I called him and introduced myself. I told OM he was lucky that all he lost was his job, and if there was a next time, he would not get off so easy.

 

Could you fill me in a little? Does the OM in your sitch have a family? Kids? And did your WS work with the OM?

[compulsivedancer]

I called OM's boss. OM was let go shortly after that. The day OM was let go I called him and introduced myself. I told OM he was lucky that all he lost was his job, and if there was a next time, he would not get off so easy.

My husband kept threatening to do things of this sort to AP. To my knowledge, he never has. But he DID contact AP's mom (he and AP were longtime friends). Of course, H's mom had already beaten him to it. She contacted AP's mom AND my mom.

[ladydesigner]

Often the topic of contacting the BS is discussed. How many BS's out there have contacted the OW/OM of your spouses' affair? Why did you do it? If so, was it with your spouse's consent? Did it give you any closure or measure of satisfaction (if there is such a thing)?

 

I contacted the MOW immediately on DDay to let her know I knew what was going on and had already confronted my WH. From then on I exposed her to her other employer who was also a freelance client of mine and friend. When she continued to contact my WH I let her BS know and he kicked her out.

 

None of this was done with consent from my WH. I did not give a rats a** what he or she thought of my actions.

 

Also any contact I did have with MOW, whether it was me contacting her or her contacting me (both have happened), have been atrocious. She is very smug and does not feel sorry for what she's done at all. She felt it all within her right, that if my WH really loved me he never would have done this to me. MOW knew my WH was married, knew he had kids and had met all of us. She WAS his employee. I was never satisfied with the contact it only hurt me more.

[ladydesigner]

He let her down gently, too gently (as most MAPs do) and she NEEDED to believe he came home for the kids but was secretly pining for his one true love, hence the breaking of NC to fish for reinitiating.

 

She was absolutely gob smacked at what I knew of her that he had told me, and as I put down the phone I was not only stunned by her histrionics, I was amazed that she did not have ONE question for me!

 

Not a single one.

 

I am actually deeply disturbed by this as my WH did the same and I did not feel MOW deserved any type of comfort in ending, if you know what I mean

 

In my last conversation with MOW she REALLY believes my WH is staying with me because I tried to commit suicide. My suicide attempt was a year ago and I am mentally healthy now. I do not hold him hostage and I have had MANY conversations with him about not holding him back from wanting to be with her, if that is what he wants. He is ADAMANTLY against it. I have asked him to leave more times than I can count and he still fights for me and the kids.

 

MOW in our case was also gob smacked by the knowledge that I knew as well, but she also had some on me (cue want to kill WH for this )

 

MOW also did not have one question for me, she wouldn't answer any of mine but I found the most important answers in his deleted texts that I was able to extract from his iphone post DDay

[compulsivedancer]

 

What does this accomplish? I think it complicates matters to be honest. I want our reconciliation to be based on what we think is best for us, not outside influences-

I was a bit upset at first (he told all his friends and had me call my whole family), but it was a bit freeing, because it meant we were both able to reach out to people for support. Of course it also made certain meetings very awkward at first.

 

He also said that gave him plenty of chaperones, in case we ever broke NC. Also, it was his way of punishing AP, telling his mom. I had to make him promise not to send it out on FB.

Edited August 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HopingAgain]

Yes I called the OW. My husband gave me her number on Dday after I asked him for it.v Unfortunately she was too much of a coward to talk to me. I asked to speak to her she said it was a wrong number and hung up. She then proceeded to text my husband over the next few weeks trying to resume contact and asking my husband to call her. I called back and left a message for her and she changed her number the next day. I'm kind of glad now we never spoke, she had no remorse and probably would have tried to dig the knife deeper.