How Did I Get Here?

[Crazy_Love]

Hi there, like so many others I’ve been lurking on this forum for a long time and I finally decided to take the plunge into the fray. I’d like to tell you my story, it’s so similar to everyone else’s but also with a few unique aspects. I’m not sure what I’m looking for – not judgment, but honesty, help, advice, anything that you want to give me. Forgive me if this is long but it’s a long story, starting over 17 years ago

 

I’m married, for 16 years, with two wonderful children. When I met my husband, I thought he was the love of my life and within a year of knowing each other, we were married. Our sex life had been wonderfully active and there was no indication that it would ever change. On our honeymoon, my husband pulled a switch and decided that he didn’t really want sex any more. He never explained why, just that he was stressed/not in the mood. I thought we could work it out but over the years not only did the sex dwindle to nothing but any love, affection, emotion stopped as well. I read every marriage book imaginable. He went to the doctor to see if it was something physical. We went to many many counselors over the years – and pretty much discovered that my husband is incapable of any kind of loving emotion towards me

 

So, I decided, completely for the sake of the children who live a blissfully happy/ignorant life, that I’d tough it out. Because my husband and I don’t fight, we are good coparents and we cohabitate well together. I asked my H if I could go outside to get my sexual/emotional needs met and the answer was absolutely not. So all the while, going through personal therapy, I stifled my emotions, filled myself with food/antidepressants and concentrated on raising and loving my children. I had absolutely no self esteem, no self love.

 

A couple of years ago, I was exhausted all the time, went to the doctor and discovered I had become diabetic. I thought, I’m only 38, no way this is happening, and so I started eating right, exercising, lost 100 pounds, put the diabetes in remission, and gained so many compliments from friends and family. I started to feel better about myself, started taking care of myself, wearing pretty clothes, getting my hair and nails done, yet my husband never noticed me. I asked him if he’d come to counseling with me, he did but was just a warm body in the room. Other men started noticing me but I was adamant that I would be faithful to this man who didn’t love me because of our children

 

Well, one day something snapped. Literally overnight, I thought, “Screw him, if he won’t meet my needs and is going to be selfish about it, I’m going to meet them elsewhere. I’ve spent 15 years denying myself everything.” I started having sex but soon realized that emotionally unattached sex wasn’t something I wanted. I didn’t know what I wanted, butit was something more. Not arelationship but a friendship. Around this time, H discovered that I had been sleeping with someone, he was furious,upset and angry. I thought, finally,this will shake us up, this will wake him up. We started going to counseling, I apologized for my part in the affair,but H never acknowledged any part in the affair. We tried but it was obvious that I was the sinner and the reason he was there was to show that he could forgive me. Which he did and things went back to normal.

 

I decided to put an ad out on Craigslist stating what I wanted or thought I wanted at that time. I got hundreds of replies and narrowed it down to two men. The first one I met was nothing like his emails, the second was beyond his already amazing emails. The connection was instantaneous and we ended up leaving his class (he’s a college professor) and finding a secluded spot.

 

Well, we emailed back and forth, and initially didn’t see too much of each other. He is married as well, his marriage wasn’t going well even though they’d only been married three years. However, he was specific to tell me that he had no desire to leave his wife since he loved her and they had built a life with family and friends together, which was fine with me as I had no plans to leave my family. We very quickly realized that we were identical in every way, we were both looking for a best friend, confidant, lover, companion and we soon became those things to each other. He’s sort of effeminate and so I was able to pass off to my husband that he was gay but in a platonic relationship for the financial benefits (they are not affectionate publicly) and vice versa. I got to know him so well, better than anyone ever, including his wife – even she admits to that. I’ve house sat and animal sat for them while they are out of town, I’ve attended functions and outings with the both of them, they’ve spent time with my entire family, I have a key to their house.

 

The whole lover aspect now only comprises 5 or 10% of our relationship, but I love him and he loves me. I spend every single day with him for about 8 hours each day (except weekends) and everyone knows about it. When we are not together, we text. All our friends know we are best friends and many of them know orsuspect more. I think his wife and my husband suspect things but she has told me directly that I make him so happy and as a result, their marriage is happier, and that’s the truth. Over the last two years his marriage has gone from on the rocks to thriving and both of them credit our relationship. I meet every single need of his that she doesn’t provide. Aside from sex, I am warm and caring and loving, she is a nice lady but can be cold. We are in the same profession so we have alot to talk about. Our brains work the same way. I can know how he’s feeling witha single word or look.

 

It has been extremely difficult though. I wanted him for myself and it was incredibly difficult to see him with her, especially since around me she has a tendency to be much more loving and physical. She will hold his hand or kiss him and initially it was sooooo hard even though he’s very in tune with my feelings and would do his best to minimize their interaction. He demands so much of mytime and energy and often I wonder why I’m putting all this effort in to someone who will never leave his wife. Probably because I know I can’t leave either and it’s keeping me relatively sane. I used to be underillusions about his feelings for me, but now I know he loves me but nowhere near how much I love him. He fights with his wife frequently and doesn't like to spend long periods of time with her, we don't fight and he says he never gets tired of me. I probably spend more awake time with him than she does.

 

Still, he’s commented that he can’t live life without me, if I leave their marriage will fall apart again. He was going to move but says that I’m keeping him here. I believe it, he’s very dependent uponme. I’ve tried going LC but he falls apart and I can’t bear to see him that way. Oftentimes I wish it would go back to being just sex cause I’m exhausted. Yes, I could marry this man, my kids love him. But no, he won’t leave his wife for me, he’s a cake eater and I suppose I am too, though if he told me he was going to, I would leave mine in a heartbeat. But he’s made it clear he won’t. He hates me dating others though is in no position to tell me not to, since he still sleeps with his wife.

 

How do I extract myself from such a toxic relationship? We've been together 2 rollercoaster years.

[rae_lana]

Your spouses don't know how you met?

 

What makes you think they suspect something?

[Crazy_Love]

We told them we met through a college activity since we are both active in Pride it was easy and helped perpetuate the story.

 

Just the amount of time we spend together, every day, eight hours per day isn't normal, even for best friends, especially 40 year olds.

 

Plus, I was helping them move in to their house, painting etc, and she and I were chatting about him and she said, "I don't mind him having sex with someone else, it's just tough knowing that emotionally I'm not the only one." Of course, I simply agreed with her, but....

[JustAReformedGirl]

First, my heart goes out to you, being stuck in a marriage with a man who obviously doesn't appreciate you.

 

It goes out to you further, since you found yourself in this predicament.

 

I'm not really qualified to give advice on the matter, but I'd say the only way you can truly extract yourself is to go full NC. I know, the idea must be terrifying, especially since he depends on you, as does his wife, in her own way. But their relationship troubles cannot be solved by you; they need to work those things out between them. Even if he genuinely cares for you-which he likely does, while simultaneously loving his wife-he's essentially using you as a crutch.

 

Chances are, he doesn't even realize he's doing it. He's become so comfortable with you in his life, he's forgotten how to face his own problems without you.

 

I suggest talking things over with him, and entering either LC, or NC. Or, go from LC gradually into NC. The call is yours to make, as you know him better than anyone here.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. I really do.

[Crazy_Love]

Thank you so much. He does know I'm a crutch, he's admitted it. I've tried to help him improve his marriage because in all honesty I care about their marriage now that I've gotten to know her well, I find her to be a lovely lady who is trying her best. So I've given him suggestions about how to change things, how he can improve his relationship and his reply each time is, "No thanks, I don't want or need to." Obviously implying that he doesn't need to since I'm around. I also know if not me, it will be someone else and I don't want to see her hurt...does that sound weird? Anyway, as soon as I leave things will go back to being bad for them cause he at least doesn't want to work on it. He's said he's tried but it does no good, frankly, I know her well enough not to believe that.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you so much. He does know I'm a crutch, he's admitted it. I've tried to help him improve his marriage because in all honesty I care about their marriage now that I've gotten to know her well, I find her to be a lovely lady who is trying her best. So I've given him suggestions about how to change things, how he can improve his relationship and his reply each time is, "No thanks, I don't want or need to." Obviously implying that he doesn't need to since I'm around. I also know if not me, it will be someone else and I don't want to see her hurt...does that sound weird? Anyway, as soon as I leave things will go back to being bad for them cause he at least doesn't want to work on it. He's said he's tried but it does no good, frankly, I know her well enough not to believe that.

 

He's pretty much trapped you with this obligation. He's completely taking for granted the fact that you'll fix things for him, and likely knows you don't want to leave, because his next AP might not be so nice to his wife.

 

In your shoes, I would feel just as trapped.

 

I think you need to talk to his wife. I'm not sure if you should disclose the affair to her, or not. But at the very least, I would tell her about how he's using you to make their marriage better, and how uncomfortable it's making you feel.

 

Otherwise, I'm at a loss as to what you should do. This is quite the pickle.

[Crazy_Love]

You have hit the proverbial nail on the head. I feel completely obligated for two reasons, one is because I know as soon as I leave things will go back to the way they were, and secondly because when I do, he will find someone else. And they won't treat her like I do. She confides in me, I'm there for her, when her mom was on her deathbed and she had to fly out of town, I helped pack her, I took her to the airport, I stayed with their pets who are like kids to them (he was gone).

 

I think she knows he is using me. I suspect she is too. I know they need to fix things but they didn't in the past and if I leave I doubt they will now. Ugh. I'm actually okay leaving, it would hard because I love him beyond words but I'm tired of being used.

[JustAReformedGirl]

As painful as it is, it sounds like it's time for you to take your leave of this situation. If both of them are using you-whether she's aware she's doing it, or not-it's not healthy for anyone involved, if you stick around.

 

You're helping him, that's true, but it's something of a Band-Aid solution. You can't fix their marriage for them; only they can do that, or they need to consider MC or divorce.

 

I know you might feel guilty leaving, but it really is the best course of action. They need to be adults, and take care of their marital issues, instead of pawning them off on you.

 

If things fall apart for them, remember; it is not your fault, nor your responsibility. Wash your hands of them; you owe it to yourself.

[LilGirlandOW]

We told them we met through a college activity since we are both active in Pride it was easy and helped perpetuate the story.

 

Just the amount of time we spend together, every day, eight hours per day isn't normal, even for best friends, especially 40 year olds.

 

Plus, I was helping them move in to their house, painting etc, and she and I were chatting about him and she said, "I don't mind him having sex with someone else, it's just tough knowing that emotionally I'm not the only one." Of course, I simply agreed with her, but....

 

Thats alot of time together a day for an A. Do you work together?

[Crazy_Love]

Thats alot of time together a day for an A. Do you work together?

 

Not really. We are in the same profession though, I work from home and he is working on his phd. Obviously once he's done, and gets a regular full time job, we won't see as much of each other and I'm fine with that.

 

He says it isn't an A but a real relationship because even if the sex stopped, he'd still want to spend as much time together. We've gone three months without sex yet daily contact.

[Crazy_Love]

Why not just get out of the business of "fixing" him, her, and their marriage. Why not invest some of that energy and seek out a divorce attorney for yourself, and end this farce of a marriage you're in.

 

She (BS) probably knows that you and he are more than just friends, and maybe she doesn't care, maybe she's just letting you do all the heavy lifting so she doesn't have too. But, still not your job to fix these two.

 

Don't you want some love in your life, and not the shared kind? You've lived virtually unloved by your husband for what, two decades? Don't you want more? And not some half as*** dude who professes to love you, but he'll NEVER leave his wife. That can't feel nice.

 

So, to answer your question: Just end it. Tell them both that the relationship is over. Give them back their house key and ask them to NOT contact you under any circumstance. Go NC, mean it, don't look back. That's how you end it. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Is MOM going to cry and pitch a fit? Of course, but not your problem, cause you won't be answering phone calls, texts or emails. You have the power, but it's up to you to end things.

 

Thank you, yes, I do. Part of the problem is I feel unlovable, since my own husband didn't and I had to resort to a married man to get something. But yes, you are right, I need to end it. I will collect all his things and return them. But....I need support and I need strength because he will pull out all the stops...he has a key to my house too...

[LilGirlandOW]

Not really. We are in the same profession though, I work from home and he is working on his phd. Obviously once he's done, and gets a regular full time job, we won't see as much of each other and I'm fine with that.

 

He says it isn't an A but a real relationship because even if the sex stopped, he'd still want to spend as much time together. We've gone three months without sex yet daily contact.

 

Thats what my MM and everyother OW's MM says.

 

MM+mOW=A

[Crazy_Love]

Thats what my MM and everyother OW's MM says.

 

MM+mOW=A

 

Agreed. I'm not dumb enough to fall for that. A year ago perhaps, not now. Lurking here and reading books helped with that.

[Crazy_Love]

I highly doubt you're "unlovable". But honestly, you're never going to find the love you deserve until you start loving yourself.

 

Don't you find the whole having each others house keys odd?

 

I agree. I've tried to start loving myself, but it's taking time.

 

We are friends, so it's not odd. I frequent house sit for them. But I will have to end the friendship too

[grassisorisntgreener]

If I were you (and granted I have only read this thread so I really know nothing about you).. I would feel like I was stuck with my husband because he shows no emotion and love. So you know if you leave, he isn't going to find someone else, am I right, maybe even a little bit?

 

How old are your kids? How are you with the other man for 8 hours? Are they at school?

 

Do you feel like this om is perfect for your situation because you are so stuck at home, there is no point in finding someone you could truly be with, fully?

 

I am so not being harsh, my situation is as messed up as yours, promise. Just trying to understand if you are staying because of the kids, or staying because you are worried about your husband. Who doesn't seem to deserve you, by the way.

[Crazy_Love]

To answer your question, my kids are 15 and 12 so most of the time they are at school or activities however in the summer they spend the days with MM and myself. MM enjoys being with them and vice versa.

 

I stay because of the kids, they know nothing of our marital problems, we are good at hiding them.

 

Yes, I think you are correct, at least until the kids are grown I feel like I'm stuck and OM provides me a few crumbs here and there which is better than nothing.

[fanine]

To answer your question, my kids are 15 and 12 so most of the time they are at school or activities however in the summer they spend the days with MM and myself. MM enjoys being with them and vice versa.

 

I stay because of the kids, they know nothing of our marital problems, we are good at hiding them.

 

Yes, I think you are correct, at least until the kids are grown I feel like I'm stuck and OM provides me a few crumbs here and there which is better than nothing.

 

I'm sorry but do you,really think the kids know nothing? My dad had affairs. I first found out when I was 13 about the first one. My parents never knew and didn't even know now that my brother and I knew what was happening. They may well know of your marital problems. Especially at that age. Kids pick up on these things, they notice little things. Do not assume anything.

 

I'm aware of at least 3 affairs my dad had. I could never talk to my parents about these things though. It dramatically affected me as a teenage girl. i was scared of boys, I thought they would all cheat, I thought they would only want sex. I felt awful being a woman, I would try and hide my sexuality. I had no confidence.

 

I wish my parents had not stayed together for that old cliche 'for the sake of the kids'. I wish they had actually sorted out their marriage properly and my dad had left or rather my mum had kicked him out. She was weak and let him get away with it because she didn't want to break up the family. But then I ended up looking up to a mother who's self esteem was completely shattered and was completely insecure......and I grew up as an insecure female with body,image issues and for a while an eating disorder....

 

So please please if you look at other threads here there are many women who damn well knew what their parents were up to. Please be aware they could know something. As I said to this day my parents don't know my brother and I knew what was happening...

[Crazy_Love]

I'm sorry but do you,really think the kids know nothing? My dad had affairs. I first found out when I was 13 about the first one. My parents never knew and didn't even know now that my brother and I knew what was happening. They may well know of your marital problems. Especially at that age. Kids pick up on these things, they notice little things. Do not assume anything.

 

I'm aware of at least 3 affairs my dad had. I could never talk to my parents about these things though. It dramatically affected me as a teenage girl. i was scared of boys, I thought they would all cheat, I thought they would only want sex. I felt awful being a woman, I would try and hide my sexuality. I had no confidence.

 

I wish my parents had not stayed together for that old cliche 'for the sake of the kids'. I wish they had actually sorted out their marriage properly and my dad had left or rather my mum had kicked him out. She was weak and let him get away with it because she didn't want to break up the family. But then I ended up looking up to a mother who's self esteem was completely shattered and was completely insecure......and I grew up as an insecure female with body,image issues and for a while an eating disorder....

 

So please please if you look at other threads here there are many women who damn well knew what their parents were up to. Please be aware they could know something. As I said to this day my parents don't know my brother and I knew what was happening...

 

 

My relationship with MM is very rarely sexual, our every day interaction is like that of siblings. I'm not sure how my kids could know anything but I will be careful. I've decided to leave the marriage and the A so this won't be an issue any longer. Thank you for your insight.

[fanine]

My relationship with MM is very rarely sexual, our every day interaction is like that of siblings. I'm not sure how my kids could know anything but I will be careful. I've decided to leave the marriage and the A so this won't be an issue any longer. Thank you for your insight.

 

My parents never knew that both I and my brother had worked out independently that my dad was having affairs. We never told them anything. To the outside world they seemed a happily married couple.....I hope the advice will help a bit anyway, they may well know more than you think. Good luck x