Today marks 4 weeks NC on my behalf, I'm proud, need to vent!

[So.Much.Pain]

So today marks 4 weeks of strict NC established by me (about 6 weeks post BU). The first two weeks had days of begging, reasoning, pleading etc. I made another thread explaining the whole situation but needless to say I realized NC was the best way to go about this and I have managed to make it to the 4 week mark and it has been harder than hell, but here I am. I am so damn proud of myself for making it to this point and I am going to keep it up!

 

I guess it is still fairly early on being only 6 weeks post BU but it seems like absolute centuries! Everyday is still a struggle and I am still suffering from depression and mild anxiety as a result of this. Sleep is not good at all and there has not been a single night since the BU that I have not had horrible nightmares about her and I still as a happy couple. Is this normal? I would say that is the hardest part, I went from sharing a bed with the girl I love to death to now sleeping alone and being haunted of her in my every dream. It is SO painful to wake up after these dreams. Will that get better?

 

I still picture my life with her and wish nothing more than for us to be happy again but I am learning to accept that for whatever her reason is (GIGS possible) it isn't going to happen at this point in our lives. She has contacted me only once since I established NC and that was 2 weeks ago. She was drunk and text me asking if I wanted to talk, to which I did not reply. I still do hope that my phone does go off and she pours her heart out to me but the fact she seems OK with carrying on without me makes this very unlikely

 

I do wonder though how is it that she can go on her every day life without these intrusive thoughts entering her mind about me? 6 weeks in and I still have these thoughts 24/7. Also how is it she doesn't have dreams/nightmares about her and I? You don't go from sleeping with somebody everyday for more than a year to sleeping alone and NOT thinking about them? I want to know how is it she can continue on without appearing that she even misses me, cares about me, thinks about me etc. I know i am only speculating that she is not but honestly if I was on her mind a fraction of how she is on mine, she would definately reach out to talk to me. I just don't understand how she could be so cold hearted all of a sudden, maybe I never will.

 

I just wanted to start this progress thread to vent and to keep track of my NC and anything that may come up in the future. I honestly do believe she will make another attempt to contact me in the future (most likely when drunk) but I will not put myself back to square one. If anybody could

shine some light on some of my questions it would help me a lot because these thoughts are just consuming me.

[brokenheart20]

I am in a similar situation, but mine is just beginning and starting today going to try really hard not to contact him. That is awesome you have made it 4 weeks it sure isn't easy that's for sure. Anyways I also feel as though my ex isn't hurting as much as I am and that he is taking it easier than I which is so hard to understand I just don't get it either.. However he once told me things aren't always as they appear so it's hard to say but good job not replying to the drunk text that would be really tempting to reply to.. anyways I know I wasn't much help but I just could relate so thought I would let you know.

[juliaY]

Wow, you are so much farther down the road than I am. I admire you so much that you have gone so long. Four weeks seems like an eternity to me. I wish I were at the same point as you because it means you are just that much farther to getting over her and recovering.

 

I just wanted to comment on your question regarding how she can go on every day life without intrusive thoughts entering her mind about you...

 

I am sure she thinks of you, but I think if the person breaking up is not contacting you, it means they have been emotionally distancing themselves from you for a long time before they told you. I have the same question and it is the only way I can explain it to myself. In my situation, looking back, there were signals he was starting to feel differently but I didn't see them at the time. It's only now in retrospect.

 

Regarding getting over her, be very careful not to put an idealized version of her on a pedestal. It' human nature to want what we can't have.

 

Stay on the road you began....You'll get to the other side of the pain eventually.

[Hoaks]

Well done on 4 weeks nc, very strong of you not to reply to that text. I wish i was as strong as you, because at exactly 4 weeks i tried to call her. She has not got back to me, so it set me back a bit. You are doing a great job

 

I wonder too if my ex thinks about me, not like i do 24/7, but if she has moments of weakness where she nearly calls but does not. Like what was said above, they do distance themselves a long time before the breakup, they are prepared for it. Even though i did the dumping, i am the dumpee.

[So.Much.Pain]

Thanks a lot for the support guys Don't get me wrong, these past 4 weeks of NC have been absolute HELL on me but when I hit those lows and get a moment of weakness I tell myself that I will just be starting back at day 1 if I do contact her. THAT alone is the only reason I've been able to summon the strength to do this. If I have made it this far I KNOW you guys can too! In those times where the temptation to contact is overwhelming just ask yourself what it is going to accomplish by talking to them. If THEY broke up with us, THEY made that choice thus only THEY have the responsibility of reaching out if they feel the need. Otherwise we must heal

 

As I look back now to the few weeks leading to the break up there were some red flags that I didn't think much of at the time. However in my case these were very minor flags and our relationship was still fall of love everyday and I would have NEVER seen her doing this because I was confident she valued our relationship and was invested in it as much as I was. I think that is the hardest part for us to realize and accept. That our significant other could even fathom giving up on the relationship, giving up on the love they have for you, giving up on all the hopes and dreams that you both shared. It really makes you wonder if you knew them at all, when really you thought you knew them to their core and trusted them to communicate with you before giving up. It has been so difficult for me because what triggered her decision was an argument where we both said things we shouldn't have but for her to just give up and NOT want to work through it really made me question how much she did truly love the relationship and more importantly love me. The constant questioning of "how could they do this" "they must be missing me" "are they truly happier without me in their life" is just draining and you have to know that they ARE hurting as well.

 

I am slowly getting my life back on track, with lots of good advice and help from this site . I need to focus less on what she is doing and more on what I am doing and how I can improve for myself. From my experience the dumpers DO eventually show back up in time, whatever their motives may be. This usually stems from fear of loss on their part where they see that you have moved on with your life, are doing better without them around, and that you may have a new partner in your life as well. The last point brings upon tremendous jealousy in a lot of cases where they may begin to question their decision as you are no longer at their mercy. In the meantime the main focus for us is the get our lives back and focus on ourselves. NC is the absolute best method of accomplishing this and the dumper can see if they truly are happier without you around or if they ****'d up, in which case play ball.

[LME]

keep it up! it gets easier!

[Vinsanity1307]

I am almost 4 weeks of no contact and about 6 weeks since D Day and I know what your going through...And congrats to not caving when she drunk dialed you..... Least she did do so regardless you were on her mind.....no matter drunk or not even when sober I am sure you were.. Unfortunately for me I have got no contact or anything during this time. I showed up after the first day after beign dumped at her house and she wouldn't talk and just got mad...and threaten to call the cops. I said Id rather go die then go through the pain without her in my life and she said go ahead and do so. A week went by and caved again but was calmer and she still reacted the same way I sent her one last text after and nothing.. I am proud of you man and just reassuring you your ex does still think of you regardless of drunk texting..figured you would want to hear that...gl man

[Love2326]

Hang in there buddy. You definitely don't want to start from Day 1 all over again. You'll take 50 steps back and just have to trudge your way back again. That suuuuucksss.

 

I must tell you, we have ALL been through what you're going through right now. I'm doing it too. I did it after my XH cheated and after I divorced him and it absolutely KILLED me. But it has been 5 months and honestly, I very rarely think about him anymore. I simply won't tolerate his behavior. I have realized that I can get through my day and my life without him in it.

 

I must tell you though, I know it seems like she doesn't think about you at all, but unless she's inhuman, I can pretty much guarantee you that she is struggling with NC too. I'm sure she thinks about you all the time too. But you two need this time to find yourself again and figure out what went wrong.

 

Here's a tip: take it in small increments. When I first separated from my XH, I could only think in 4 hour increments: from 8am-noon. Then I planned my day from noon-4pm, then from 4pm-8pm. Then it started all over again the next day. Gradually, my increments went from 4 hours, to 8 hours, to 12 hours, to a day, 3 days, a week, etc. I was able to plan further and further ahead. I kept myself busy and it took my mind off of him. I suggest you do the same. Just trust that she's going through it too. Hang in there, and DO NOT cave in on the temptation to contact her. You'll kick yourself afterwards.

[So.Much.Pain]

Thanks so much for the reassurance guys, it really does help ease my mind a little when I begin speculating what is going on in her head.

 

Well it has been 2 weeks since I began this thread and I can proudly say that is another 2 weeks of NC I have maintained! So now I am at 8 weeks post BU and 6 weeks NC (from me). She has not attempted to contact me again after that drunk text she sent about 4 weeks ago. That there is a clear indicator to me that she either really doesn't give a **** about me or that her stubborn personality will not allow her to sacrifice her pride to reach out. There is no question that she does think about me from time to time I am sure as she did send that "half breadcrumb" 4 weeks ago but the degree of how she feels and misses me is not even comparable to what I am going through. Even at this 8 week mark I am still and absolute emotional rollercoaster with nightmares of her every day and the intrusive thoughts are still there.

 

I am looking for ways to finally move on with my life as she seems to be doing that just fine and honestly the more I think of the NC thing the more I understand the importance of it. Basically I have come up with a theory. Initially I handed to her 100% of the power after the breakup by begging/pleading/pouring my hear out etc. She knew at that time she could have me whenever she wants and that she could fall back on me if her other plans didn't work out. Now by initiating NC I view it as that every second, every minute, every day that passes while still NC I am regaining MY power and MY pride by removing MYSELF from her life. It may only be 0.01% of power per day that I regain but that is 0.01% less power of MY life she has control over. I will get to the point where I am back in control of 100% of MY life, eventually. This also has the side effect of every day of NC she will become a little more curious as to my whereabouts and how I am doing. At this point I am not expecting much if any further reaching out on her behalf because I now see the stubborn girl she really is.

 

I've also come to the realization that you can't fully believe the WORDS somebody will say when they are angry and dump you. One of the last things she said to me before I began NC was "I don't care if I ever talk to you again, if you speak to my family I will bury you." That was a real eye opener for me as she was NOT the girl I fell in love with because the girl I knew and loved would have never said anything like that to me. Funny thing is 4 weeks of NC later she texts me "do you want to come talk to me?". That is the exact opposite of her clearly telling me she does not want to talk to me ever again. Words don't mean anything.

 

I am now at the point where I am trying to loose that final bit of hope and cut off all ties so I can fully regain myself and reach the point of indifference. Not to mention I am pretty sure that by this point she has entered another rebound relationship which is NOT the way to deal with your emotions, but she will learn that the hard way. With that said I am contemplating deleting her off of facebook. She did not delete me off of FB, took her a week after the BU to change her relationship status too. I KNOW she creeps my FB profile but I do not use it nearly as much as she does. She religiously uses FB, like an addiction to her to receive external validation and attention. I feel that this is really the last tie I have to her. I have not checked her page whatsoever but she will pop up in my newsfeed and I really couldn't fathom seeing her with another guy or something which is just a matter of time. So I think it would be in my best interest to remove her from my friends list so that I can still use it without the possibility of seeing something I really couldn't handle. She made the decision to leave me so I have every right to make the decision to accept that and remove myself completely from her life, do I not? Is this a good idea, to remove her?

 

Thanks

[tintedblue]

The pain you are going through is normal, but it will certainly go away. Sometimes we do not understand the motive of the other person for leaving, but stick to NC to heal, and move on...i have been through several breakup, and learnt life goes on and you will meet another...if you are not sure about removing her from social networks, wait a little until you feel you are getting over her. It is natural that we hold on with hoping. So I let go slowly, ubntill one day I realize I have no way of contacting them

[Love2326]

Thanks so much for the reassurance guys, it really does help ease my mind a little when I begin speculating what is going on in her head.

 

Well it has been 2 weeks since I began this thread and I can proudly say that is another 2 weeks of NC I have maintained! So now I am at 8 weeks post BU and 6 weeks NC (from me). She has not attempted to contact me again after that drunk text she sent about 4 weeks ago. That there is a clear indicator to me that she either really doesn't give a **** about me or that her stubborn personality will not allow her to sacrifice her pride to reach out. There is no question that she does think about me from time to time I am sure as she did send that "half breadcrumb" 4 weeks ago but the degree of how she feels and misses me is not even comparable to what I am going through. Even at this 8 week mark I am still and absolute emotional rollercoaster with nightmares of her every day and the intrusive thoughts are still there.

 

I am looking for ways to finally move on with my life as she seems to be doing that just fine and honestly the more I think of the NC thing the more I understand the importance of it. Basically I have come up with a theory. Initially I handed to her 100% of the power after the breakup by begging/pleading/pouring my hear out etc. She knew at that time she could have me whenever she wants and that she could fall back on me if her other plans didn't work out. Now by initiating NC I view it as that every second, every minute, every day that passes while still NC I am regaining MY power and MY pride by removing MYSELF from her life. It may only be 0.01% of power per day that I regain but that is 0.01% less power of MY life she has control over. I will get to the point where I am back in control of 100% of MY life, eventually. This also has the side effect of every day of NC she will become a little more curious as to my whereabouts and how I am doing. At this point I am not expecting much if any further reaching out on her behalf because I now see the stubborn girl she really is.

 

I've also come to the realization that you can't fully believe the WORDS somebody will say when they are angry and dump you. One of the last things she said to me before I began NC was "I don't care if I ever talk to you again, if you speak to my family I will bury you." That was a real eye opener for me as she was NOT the girl I fell in love with because the girl I knew and loved would have never said anything like that to me. Funny thing is 4 weeks of NC later she texts me "do you want to come talk to me?". That is the exact opposite of her clearly telling me she does not want to talk to me ever again. Words don't mean anything.

 

I am now at the point where I am trying to loose that final bit of hope and cut off all ties so I can fully regain myself and reach the point of indifference. Not to mention I am pretty sure that by this point she has entered another rebound relationship which is NOT the way to deal with your emotions, but she will learn that the hard way. With that said I am contemplating deleting her off of facebook. She did not delete me off of FB, took her a week after the BU to change her relationship status too. I KNOW she creeps my FB profile but I do not use it nearly as much as she does. She religiously uses FB, like an addiction to her to receive external validation and attention. I feel that this is really the last tie I have to her. I have not checked her page whatsoever but she will pop up in my newsfeed and I really couldn't fathom seeing her with another guy or something which is just a matter of time. So I think it would be in my best interest to remove her from my friends list so that I can still use it without the possibility of seeing something I really couldn't handle. She made the decision to leave me so I have every right to make the decision to accept that and remove myself completely from her life, do I not? Is this a good idea, to remove her?

 

Thanks

 

Yes yes!! You are spot on. The point of NC is not for HER.. its for YOU!!! To detach yourself from her so she cannot hurt you anymore!!! It is for YOU to heal and regain control over your life because you gave it to her and she used it for her advantage! Take back the power and watch yourself detach from her and see how much strength you gain from it. You're on the right track my friend!!! DO NOT lose the power!

[So.Much.Pain]

So I finally summoned up the strength to rid her from facebook. Finally blocked and deleted and honestly I feel a bit of relief. I can now log on to facebook without the fear of being even more hurt than I already am.

 

I know she will notice that she can no longer view me on facebook but I doubt it will bother her at all. She has been this cold up to this point not even asking how I'm doing or showing any sort of caring so deleting her off fb won't matter to her.

 

I did see her latest post in the newsfeed before blocking her and it is pretty see through. She is going out of her way to say "life is sooooo good right now" etc. blah blah blah........ guaranteed thats a front and shes trying to convince herself that.

 

Thanks again for the help and I will keep this thread posted with anymore news.