Joe F Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Just what the title says. When you break up with someone, and there's a definite reason for it, should you tell them why? When I've broken up and given reasons, I've ended up getting into more arguments about how good or bad the reasons are. But when I'm broken up with, I want to know them. What do you think?
Mcscooter Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Yes it is important to tell them why. It's a little selfish not to tell them why because the dumpee will wonder why it ever happen in the first place, sometimes it ends up them pleading for a closure. 2
Virgil876 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I was given: "I don't love you anymore, I've changed.", in the end, I did ask her if she know what love is, she said yes. I'm still unsure if that is a good enough reason to my situation.
jkepler85 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I just went through one where "I don't know if I have time for this", "I'm not sure what I want" where the reasons, except she was active on a dating site shortly after, so obvious lies. I have no doubt it is something on her part, because I was a damn prince to her. When I've broken up with girls I've been brutally honest. Sorry, I just don't see this relationship turning into marriage. I'm sorry, but you're not in the same place as me and I'm not willing to wait the 4-5 years it will take you to get there. I'm sorry, but I'm not willing or able to give that level of commitment right now. A clean break up is this: giving the truth (in person) and being done. Nothing says the reason doesn't have to be good, just the truth, there are probably really embarrassing reasons to break up with someone and you should probably rightfully be embarrassed if the mole on their back or bad breath is keeping you from dating an otherwise great person. It doesn't mean you can't break up with with for those reasons, just that you shouldn't torture them and shirk your own responsibility but feeding them a line of crap. 2
Ordinaryday Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Most people give reasons but a lot of the time even when they claim it is the truth, it is the truth from a very certain biased perspective, in that standard dumper lines like "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" could be argued to be the 'truth' when she hooks up with another guy one day later because one day later is indeed a later point than "right now". Also, "let's just be friends" could arguably be said to be the truth when she means friends in the Facebook sense of the word (just another name on a long list who you rarely speak to, if ever) rather than the old meaning of "friends" which is "someone whose company you enjoy and who you hang out with and go out with often". So often even when the give you the "truth" it is only the truth from their perspective, for "I just don't feel we are compatible" could be said to mean the same thing as "you are not good enough for me" but most women will choose to "soften the blow" with the "not compatible" line, which often means the same as "you're not good enough". So even when they claim to be giving you the truth... it is the "truth" from a biased perspective.
Author Joe F Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Most people give reasons but a lot of the time even when they claim it is the truth, it is the truth from a very certain biased perspective. It's the truth from their perspective. What other perspective can it be? Or, rather, the things you're talking about aren't even the truth. I'm asking if, when I break up with my GF, because she betrayed me, do I tell her that. Not just "I'm not in love with you any more," but "you did this to me, and that is not acceptable."
Philosoraptor Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 It's kinder to the person being dumped if they have a clear reason. It stops the guessing and oftentimes eliminates the hope that will keep them holding on and hurting even longer. 1
Emilia Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I think most people don't want to hear the truth. My last ex certainly wouldn't have wanted to so I just made something up. It's not the patronising 'it's not you, it's me' rubbish but something that's inoffensive and not hurtful. Why tell someone that they suck in bed or have a terrible personality in your opinion? It's all subjective anyway.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Giving reasons stops the guessing and gives closure. But, they're never real reasons. Because... the dumpee will still disagree with you, for a long time. 1
Author Joe F Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Giving reasons stops the guessing and gives closure. But, they're never real reasons. Because... the dumpee will still disagree with you, for a long time. I don't think that disagreement makes the reasons less real. It looks like most people think it would be better to give the reasons, if you can make a genuine and not bull**** statement about them. Is that the consensus?
mammasita Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I think it would be nice to know the reason.....but let's face it - its probably not the truth.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I don't think that disagreement makes the reasons less real. I meant (but was unclear), that they're often no real reasons to the dumpee. I personally have never dumped without giving a choice: this is the problem in my view, these are the potential solutions (or some you may suggest), one of them is that we part ways. The reason why the current breakup is so hard for me is that I think his reasons aren't reasons for breaking up, they're straws he's clutching at.
hippetyhop Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Yes. I had an unorthodox type of relationship/mess I got myself into. I told him, and we are civil. I respected him enough for that and he respects me for respecting him. Crazy circle, huh?
Author Joe F Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Thanks folks, for all the replies. They're appreciated.
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