jesse93 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) Well, I recently got dumped by my ex of almost 4 years, and about a week ago i was talking to my friend on the phone, who said my ex had missed me and wanted me to text her because she didn't want to message me first. This confused me and made me feel like if i texted her, maybe i could win her back. So i messaged her and she replied 2 days later, we then had a serious talk about each other and that there was a possibility of us getting back together and we both still have feelings for each other she said i was her first true love. That night ended up great, we both ended up crying and everything felt like it was going to be ok.. We have been talking as "friends" this week, and its been going alright. We make each other laugh, and we had some decent convos we both go to the gym and i'm new to the gym scene so she has been helping me with diet/work out plans. But I feel like all I do by talking to her is push myself in the friendzone, I still miss her I miss what we use to have, I want to tell her I miss her, but I know it would just be awkward as much as I enjoy talking to her its just setting me back, my feelings for her are still alive and strong but when I talk to her, it seems like she just looks at me as a friend now. I know you're suppose to work for it if you want it back, but I feel like "working" for it is only putting me in a friendzone, she never messages me first i always have to start the conversation, or she will never message me to see how I'm doing I always have to start the convo. So I'm looking for advice, do you guys believe it is worth fighting for someone? should i continue to talk to her to see where it ends up or should i go back to NC? Have any of you had an experience like this? Any advice appreciated. Edited August 4, 2013 by jesse93
Simon Phoenix Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I would say you should go NC, especially if you haven't done it for an extended period of time before. I had a similar situation as yours, without the face-to-face interaction. After an extended NC we started talking again, mostly me initiating but her become more and more talkative, always asking me how I was. Then about a month ago her brother-in-law (my best friend) told me he was talking to her and she expressed an interest in meeting back up with me. So I decided to ask her to lunch/a drink, basically to get an idea of where I stood as far as my feelings for her. When I went NC I had come to peace with everything and decided that I was pretty much cool with any outcome, be it friend, lover, whatever. She responds that she wants to hang out with me and misses me, but only wants to get together as friends. I would have been OK with that if she had stopped there, but then she started going off on our breakup last summer (basically I got attached and scared and flipped out and she withdrew), a conversation that would been completely appropriate about 10 months before but just seemed really weird and out of place presently . I realized that she hadn't done any sort of recovery/moving forward like I had, although I was the one who was heartbroken and devastated at the time. I sent her an email at her request giving a bullet-point breakdown of what happened last summer from my perspective (since it was obvious that she is still stuck on it) and saying that I was ready to move forward and start anew and stop rehashing old stuff that didn't matter. I haven't heard back about in the two weeks since I sent it. At this point, I'm pretty whatever on it. Even if I did want to be her friend, I almost think there's no point because a) she'll still be all weird and hung up on before and b) if there's any sort of conflict she'll just withdraw and put her head in the sand like an ostrich instead of talking about it. And what kind of friendship/relationship could I have with a person like that? But back to your thing. I would probably go NC until you can honestly be cool with whatever happens. I know if I had gone through this whole thing with my ex in the winter as opposed to now I'd be devastated by how it turned out. Now I'm pretty indifferent. So yeah, I'd step back and stop contacting her until you have healed and moved forward. 1
BC1980 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I would definitely go NC or at least let her initiate contact. After my breakup, I was the one initiating contact and always feeling foolish and weak after doing so. It's like a drug. You know you shouldn't be calling the person, logically you can see that, but you can't seem to stop yourself. After about a month, I went NC, and he eventually contacted me. It was so hard not to contact him, and it will be for you too. Remember, it's a drug. You really just have to tough it out and not contact the person. It gets a lot easier. 1
Author jesse93 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) I appreciate all your responses, they all have valid points. You're very right when you say it is like a drug, it is so hard for me not to text her after talking to her pretty much all week I feel like i should message her even if i have to initiate the convo, but I know i shouldn't and that is what I am going to try and do from now on. I have to say that is a fear of mine if we ever did get back together i might end up freaking out, and dwelling on the past I always had a problem with that. But i appreciate all your advice, and I think you're all right that I should go NC because going NC actually gives someone time to miss you and if things don't end up working out at least i'll be more ok with it than i would right now talking to her. I'm sorry with what happened to you though man, but it seems like you have coped with it pretty well. I think you're right when you say you should wait until you're at a point where you would be ok if she didnt want you back, because at the point I'm at now I know i would be devastated if she told me she never wanted me back. Well Thanks again for all the advice time to find the strength to stay NC and hope she is willing to initiate the convo first, because me having to text her makes me feel like she is only responding because she doesn't want me to feel bad, I want her to want to talk to me if that makes sense. Edited August 5, 2013 by jesse93
Simon Phoenix Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I appreciate all your responses, they all have valid points. You're very right when you say it is like a drug, it is so hard for me not to text her after talking to her pretty much all week I feel like i should message her even if i have to initiate the convo, but I know i shouldn't and that is what I am going to try and do from now on. I have to say that is a fear of mine if we ever did get back together i might end up freaking out, and dwelling on the past I always had a problem with that. But i appreciate all your advice, and I think you're all right that I should go NC because going NC actually gives someone time to miss you and if things don't end up working out at least i'll be more ok with it than i would right now talking to her. I'm sorry with what happened to you though man, but it seems like you have coped with it pretty well. I think you're right when you say you should wait until you're at a point where you would be ok if she didnt want you back, because at the point I'm at now I know i would be devastated if she told me she never wanted me back. Well Thanks again for all the advice time to find the strength to stay NC and hope she is willing to initiate the convo first, because me having to text her makes me feel like she is only responding because she doesn't want me to feel bad, I want her to want to talk to me if that makes sense. You shouldn't go NC to try to get a response. You should go NC to settle down, get all your ducks in a row and move forward emotionally. If you are going NC to try to goad her into talking to you it's not going to be effective. You got to heal for you and then deal with her, if you decide you want to, at a later date.
Mariposa10 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I'm not sure about how I feel about the NC thing...at least the last thing I want right now is play games. What I don't understand is why you're tired of being her friend if you've only been her friend for one week. Or maybe I misunderstood? But one week is is nothing...
Author jesse93 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You shouldn't go NC to try to get a response. You should go NC to settle down, get all your ducks in a row and move forward emotionally. If you are going NC to try to goad her into talking to you it's not going to be effective. You got to heal for you and then deal with her, if you decide you want to, at a later date. yea, youre correct and i know you're right I have been doing this for me to an extent, but i can't help but think that maybe it'll make her miss me more and want to talk to me, I know thats the wrong state of mind to be in, but I don't really know how to go about doing it just for me to heal. Because in the back of my mind me, and a lot of others secretly hope they'll come back running. And as for the last post, you're right 1 week of friendship isn't a lot at all, it is just really odd for me to be in this "friendship" type of thing with her, seeing as i dated her for 4 years talking to her as a friend just doesn't seem normal, but I guess the only way i could see it as a normal thing is if i give it time to heal to a point where me and her being friends, is a normal thing. Idk I guess I'm just at a point where friendship isn't what I want but I'm willing to try, to see where it gets me? I don't know.
keepontruckin Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 You cannot be friends with your ex. Trust me, I had tried it for two months being the ultimate man. I even quit smoking, now if that doesn't say something, I don't know what will. What will happen is what my soon to be ex is doing, just deleting your messages. The only messages I will get an instant response to are ones that talk about the divorce process. Those will get answered in literally five seconds:laugh: It's pretty sad that you have to call out "DIVORCE" to get your wife to come running, but sadly that is how things go! I told her that also, but she lost all humour when she left anyhow...
Author jesse93 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You cannot be friends with your ex. Trust me, I had tried it for two months being the ultimate man. I even quit smoking, now if that doesn't say something, I don't know what will. What will happen is what my soon to be ex is doing, just deleting your messages. The only messages I will get an instant response to are ones that talk about the divorce process. Those will get answered in literally five seconds:laugh: It's pretty sad that you have to call out "DIVORCE" to get your wife to come running, but sadly that is how things go! I told her that also, but she lost all humour when she left anyhow... I agree with you to some extent, I think in some situations being their friend may make them realize why they fell in love with you in the first place, but for the most part I do agree with you, that being friends with an ex isn't a very good thing. I didn't want to be "friends" with my ex, but I put myself in this situation I need to put myself in the mindset to go no contact, but just for me and me only. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your situation :/ I guess no matter how much you try to change something its just not possible, hope you're doing well man keep your head up.
keepontruckin Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Thanks! The way I figure, she knows where I live, and she knows my phone number. She knows that the door is always open, (since I'm generous to a fault). If she wants to work things out, it would take her five seconds out of her busy schedule to do so...
Simon Phoenix Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I agree with you to some extent, I think in some situations being their friend may make them realize why they fell in love with you in the first place, but for the most part I do agree with you, that being friends with an ex isn't a very good thing. I didn't want to be "friends" with my ex, but I put myself in this situation I need to put myself in the mindset to go no contact, but just for me and me only. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your situation :/ I guess no matter how much you try to change something its just not possible, hope you're doing well man keep your head up. I don't agree with the bolded, especially in the near aftermath of a relationship. If anything, it gives them a safety net while they deal with their part of the break. The old "use the ex to get over them" dynamic. You can be friends with them well after you both have moved forward and maybe at that point, it'll be effective, but being her friend isn't what you want right now if you want to be back with her. She can't miss you if you never go away.
Author jesse93 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I don't agree with the bolded, especially in the near aftermath of a relationship. If anything, it gives them a safety net while they deal with their part of the break. The old "use the ex to get over them" dynamic. You can be friends with them well after you both have moved forward and maybe at that point, it'll be effective, but being her friend isn't what you want right now if you want to be back with her. She can't miss you if you never go away. ahh that is true, I never thought of it like that, you have some good input into this situation its making me realize a lot of things
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