purplelilly Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Hi LS community, I've posted a couple times before, was in NC with the MM. He kept breaking that, even after I changed my cell number and blocked his email. He created another account, and weak as I am, I read one email, blocked the address after that, but he was and still is on my mind. In the email, he wrote about being unhappy without me around, worried about how I'm fairing, asking if I was okay and why I hadn't contacted him(knowing that he wife wanted this to end and that I did apologize to her for my part). He wrote about wishing he didn't try so hard to fix his marriage and convince his wife to make things works, because he's thinking about me all the time and feels that I would ultimately make him happier. The email then got explicit in nature and that's really triggering for me, I made a point not to respond to it and deleted it. That was on July 23rd. August 3rd(Saturday) he showed up at my apartment unexpected, and I opened the door in a haze. I really shouldn't make excuses for my behavior, and that's exactly what it's going to sound like. I wasn't thinking when I did let him in, I was self medicating at the time(a habit I'm not proud of but really can't stop on my own) he said he just wanted to apologize for things and check on me, I don't really remember much of the conversation, but we ended up having sex. I never said no or anything like that, but really didn't want to do it, just weak and stupid. I haven't heard from him today and hope not to anymore, because it just really set me back in personal progress I'm trying to make. Now my apology means nothing because I allowed things to happen again, and I just feel sucked in. I hate myself so much. I fear that he'll contact me again and it will start. If I wasn't messed up at the time, I wouldn't have let him in and I wouldn't have let anything happen, but I did and I constantly am doing things to feel better. I'm afraid I'll be caught in another moment like that and sucked in again. I just want him to leave me alone so I can put myself together. I don't know what to do.
Patrice Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Go quiet, and take the time to deal with what is leading you to self-medicate. If he contacts you, tell him you need to be focused on your own healing now and not on him. MM use women as bandaids, and unless you go NC you will be another reason he stays in his marriage ... peace, and LOVE yourself first.
Author purplelilly Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Patrice, Thank you. I've started therapy and had been keeping up my end on the NC ever since his wife made the discovery and I apologized for my actions, only to let it happen again :-( During the time we were not to communicate with one another ( I didn't directly tell him because his wife said stop and I did what she said). I started therapy and am trying to work on so many things, but this man is pulling me down with him. If I had a better handle on myself, was stronger in staying away from substances, Saturday wouldn't have happened. I feel it's going to keep happening because I can't stop. I wish he'd just leave me be, I don't seek him out, its just ruining everything I'm working on correcting.
Author purplelilly Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Not to sound dense or stubborn, but how do I go all in? I really don't know if or when I'll stop using. I know if I wasn't under the influence I wouldn't have gotten pulled into anything, and I'm trying to work on me. I don't know how not to resort resort to substances when hurting. I told the wife before that he was breaking no contact, I wanted it to stop. At this point in my life I'm not strong enough to stop it. I tried and have failed. And it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't using, I wouldn't have answered/ would have sent him away. It's just a huge setback, and its another push towards using to lessen guilt and escape reality, only to feel worse and start up again. And it's as if my words don't mean anything, because I said sorry yet it's happened again.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Then call her and tell her what happened. All of it. Apologize for your part in allowing him back in, and let her know that it isn't an excuse but you were using and (I assume he knew that or you told him you were not your usual self) he took advantage. It's not putting all the blame on him, (though I do believe that he knew your defenses and better judgement was clouded that night and used it to his advantage). Tell her so it'll end. He'll get reamed by her rightfully so and it'll also piss him off that you went and told her. It'll for sure end it once and for all. Go to an AA meeting and please look after yourself. This scumbag isn't worth ruining your life over. 2
Author purplelilly Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Sadperson, I really wonder if I'll ever get to a point where I can love me. I don't even know why I'm doing most things I'm doing nowadays, I find myself questioning my decision to have left my ex to be here alone. I don't feel I have a purpose but am just going through the motions. And I can't stand being alone with my thoughts. I wasted my vacation time here in my apartment, but in the time did end up booking and starting to see a therapist. Whichwayisup, when I told the wife about the messages he was leaving, she asked me not to contact her anymore and wasn't very kind in saying it( I didn't expect her to be deserved every word of it and more really ), I don't want to be a bother to her. I feel like I intruded enough. Yeah, he knew I was messed up. If any man had come by my apartment and wanted something it would have happened. I just worse with stuff in my system and it is whatever I can get my hands on so I am not having to deal with my thoughts. I try and make sure not to buy alcohol, but when I don't have anything else I'll buy it. I was on other substances when he came by Saturday, he knew it stuff was on the coffee table, but he didn't care. I thought he was a good friend, my best even, but after reflecting on things I'm seeing things differently. I wish he would have walked away, said his peace and left, but it he decided to use me instead. I know I need to stop using, I just am worried about seeking treatment, don't want to lose my job, I never wanted to think of it as a problem, because I make so many excuses about how its the only way to get on with life for me and I'm not hurting anyone. I'm so dumb Really don't want to upset his wife again. I do need him to stop.
Author purplelilly Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I would very much appreciate that Sadperson.
Author purplelilly Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that, and I can't send private messages on here. I do appreciate everyone sharing and suggesting things. It means a lot really.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 What is your drug of choice? How much do you use/drink? 1
Author purplelilly Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I take oxycontin and huff, resorted to buying synthetic ecstasy from gas stations, ( I used to get little hits of heroin but its been almost a year) I'll drink lots in one sitting, to the point I get ill when there's enough around a pint to a fifth of vodka / brandy and I'm small in stature (5'5 about 97lbs). Anything I get my hands on really. I know I'm tearing myself up.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Oxy processes in the body as heroin. Couple that with the other things you mix in - and that's concerning. And then you make choices that you wish you didn't while using. Can you quit? You will show withdrawal signs and be uncomfortable. Can you consider detox? I don't think you're likely to make wise choices for yourself while you're altered. I'm concerned for you. And I know how hard it is to quit. It is totally worth it though! My other suggestion would be counseling to address your "feelings" and work on getting to the other side of what bothers you enough to want to get numb and cover up how you feel. Can you do detox? 1
LimeBlue Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I am stumped on this - his wife knows, yet he seeks you out for a shag, and then he goes back to his normal life again? Are you going to tell her? For some reason at this point I feel it would not be a good idea, but perhaps other posters have better advice. I am really sad to read that he had the audacity to just arrive at your place like that
BetrayedH Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Deal with the addictions and you'll be in the right mindset to make better decisions. You've said it yourself that he wouldn't have made it in the door if you'd not been using. The drugs and alcohol are just hurting you. Get serious about dealing with that issue or this will continue. 4
Goodbye Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 check out www.womenforsobrietyonline.com . Lots of understanding women who can give you guidance. I think you need to address the most basic and serious elements of your pain first. Often the messes we make are just a reflection of what is going on inside. PM me if you want... 2
Author purplelilly Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you all for the support and understanding. I really need it. To answer a question, I know that I should quit but feel I need it. I know I need to stop. Just being really stuck and making excuses, finding reasons to keep on. I am not sure if I can detox right now. I know I can't deal with quitting any of this on my own and should seek treatment, really scared though. Limeblue, I'm not going to tell her. I should, but I tried with other messages before this and she wanted me not to contact her again. I don't know what he is telling her, but when I apologized I explained and answered her response, I was truthful in what happened and said I wouldn't be a party to anything else. Then he was still sending messages and calling, I forwarded, she got angry with me. I want to just get on with my life. Goodbye, thank you for the link. I'm checking it out now. I'm not able to PM, but I do appreciate yours and everyone's advice, suggestions and support. I have a lot of work to do. Right now, I can think of so many more reasons to keep using than to stop my destructive behavior. Hopefully I'll snap out of it before things get worse. I cannot think you all enough. I do appreciate the time you all have taken in responding. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 An unfortunate reality for many people facing addiction is that they need to hit rock bottom before they truly tackle it. I suspect you know this is unsustainable. I suggest you think about what rock bottom looks like for you and decide how close you want to get to that before you make changes. You can do it sooner or be forced to do it when there is nothing left. Every decision you make either digs you further into the rabbit hole or digs you out of it. By the way, as much as I favor honesty, I think you leave the BW alone now. She has enough information that she can track him if she likes and your recent attempts have not been welcomed. Focusing on your core issues (like being sober enough to avoid sleeping with her H) is the best favor you can do her at this point. If she contacts you, humbly answer her questions with honesty. 1
HighheelsAries Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 You should tell his wife. Tell her that he won't respect your NC or hers. I am sad to say but he is using you. Be kind to yourself and end this relationship- it is damaging to you and you deserve better. 1
2sunny Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 It's hard to quit but it's worth it to feel FREE! Freedom- it comes whenYOU stop altering how you feel, whenYOU get honest and start changing everything. I hope you will consider detox. You either get busy living or get busy dying.
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