paigej91 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) I've been dating this guy intermittently for 4 months or so. It started out as being frequent dates, but now it's been dying out because we've been seeing each other for so long. The initial spark that makes it super exciting has died out. This is fine, because I REALLY genuinely enjoy his company and think he's an amazing guy- we even connect intellectually/mentally, which is such a rare thing for me (but very important). We're at a point where we can just sit outside together, not say much, and be totally content. I'm physically attracted to him too, but I haven't had sex with him yet because I'm a 21 year-old virgin AND because I want things to be official before having sex. I told him both these things. He didn't respond badly or awkwardly to this at all and has actually been "nicer" in the bedroom. Despite all this, I'm frustrated because we've been on countless dates (probably around 15 now) and they always last at least a few hours (but usually 5-6 or more) and he isn't being very vocal about emotions or about moving things to the next level (he is a quieter type, but nevertheless it's too ambiguous). Likewise, he had been frustrated about the no sex thing until I told him I was a virgin. So we're in this weird scenario where we both *really* like each other, enjoy each other's company, have a good time in the bedroom, yet it's all confusing for both of us. He doesn't communicate well and admitted it, so I think this is where the problem lies. (As well as spending intermitted time together because he travels 60% of the time for work). Why is he keeping me around like this when he knows he's not gonna get the benefits? He takes me on the sweetest dates (and pays) and isn't making it official either so it's confusing. Is it possible he is just taking it slow? We met out of the blue, so ~ 15 intermittent dates still isn't enough to completely know each other in our case Edit: forgot to mention he recently told me he hasn't been seeing anyone else. And he seems to be a truthful guy overall (though it's always possible he could be lying) Edited August 4, 2013 by paigej91
Author paigej91 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I'm bumping this to the top since I didn't get any replies :/
Woop1337 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 4 months, 15 dates? And neither has asked the other about exclusivity? Maybe your overrating your interest in him and his interest in you? Just ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend.
Author paigej91 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 4 months, 15 dates? And neither has asked the other about exclusivity? Maybe your overrating your interest in him and his interest in you? Just ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend. Well, I brought it up after we had gone out for a few drinks (good ol liquid courage lol) and I definitely told him what I wanted, and we haven't really been seeing each other any MORE than before- it doesn't feel like a relationship. It feels like an intense friendship that sometimes ends up at his place (the reason it feels like that now is because I feel forced to put him in the friend zone if I'm not getting what I want out of it). Is there hope for it to develop into something real at this point? His schedule with work involves a lot of traveling so when I stop and think about it, I wonder if it'd even work. That actually brings me to another question- I don't have a lot of experience past the 2 date mark, but is it unlikely/uncommon for two people to "try things again later"?
BluEyeL Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was wondering how/why do you feel "it's dying out"? Tell him what you want. ask him to be exclusive and be your boyfriend. Have the talk before you break up. And what do you do in the "bedroom" if you don't have sex?
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 it doesn't feel like a relationship. That's your answer. You can't force these things, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. Tell him you are not feeling strong chemistry and that you see him more as a friend than a boyfriend. He'll probably confirm it. Then you can stop wasting time faking a relationship that's not there. And what do you do in the "bedroom" if you don't have sex? I was kinda wondering the same thing...
Author paigej91 Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 That's your answer. You can't force these things, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. Tell him you are not feeling strong chemistry and that you see him more as a friend than a boyfriend. He'll probably confirm it. Then you can stop wasting time faking a relationship that's not there. I was kinda wondering the same thing... Wait, I'm confused. I definitely want to be in a relationship with this guy, and the chemistry is there, but it's slowed down because we've been dating for so fricken' long- the "honeymoon phase" is over, but everything is still there. The reason I said I feel forced to put him in the friend zone is because it hasn't moved to the next level, and I don't want to wait around on a "maybe" but I'd still value his friendship. As for the bedroom, we do pretty much anything that goes on pre-sex. Foreplay, making out, flirting, etc. I guess I thought that went without saying, but maybe it's not intuitive. And to answer BlueEye's other question, I think it's slowing down because we see each other so intermittedly I have to question if anything can really develop. It sucks to have a great date only to not see each other for another 2-3 weeks. It naturally makes the "pace" slow down, no matter how much we like each other.
sdraw108 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 15 dates spread over 4 months, and you're already saying the honeymoon phase is over? I'd be a little concerned about that - 15 dates is hardly anything. In your own words, you said it isn't enough to even get to really know each other, but the spark is fading already? Also, you didn't really answer the question about asking him to be your boyfriend. So you discussed it with him, but what did he say?
whendofishsleep Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 To the OP, looks like we are in the same boat (in regards to the deep friendship & non-communicative guy)....except I'm about 10 yrs older than you! Interested to hear people's perspective.
BluEyeL Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 How frequently do you meet? If you feel you meet less often, he doesn't make an effort anymore, and he is not making progress in the relationship, it is indeed dying out. But I'm not sure if I understood the exact situation. From my point of view, I have a timeline in my head, and the deadline in my mind is actually 4 months for making things "official", moving from exclusive up to the next level. I've been dating someone for a little over 2 months now and if in 4 months I'll see things are not going upwards, I'm going to end it. In my case, it doesn't necessarily mean that I want that now, I haven't made my mind about him completely either, I'm just relating to you timelines in general. If you reached your internal deadline and things are not progressing, you have to have the talk with him, see what he says and based on his response you either stay and move it up, or go.
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