Moving on while still in love?!

[jadeicon]

Hey guys, sorry in advance it turned out so long.

 

Things ended with my first love about 6-7 months ago (I'm 22), I've gone through some of the process myself but I decided to post since I feel like I'm sinking back again and I need better ideas on how to deal with it.

 

We were together for two and a half years, and they were truly the best years of my life, simply put amazing, and no one has ever loved me that much in my entire life, which is why I'm having such a tough time letting go.

I broke up with her, and for a long time I regretted it and blamed myself for the demise of the relationship, today I know it takes two to build and take apart most relationships. And some part of me no longer regrets it.

 

I am far from perfect, and neither is she, I didn't treat her badly at all, on the contrary, we were each other's worlds, but I didn't treat her as good as I should have sometimes, in retrospect.

I really appreciated what I had only after it was gone, we were both really in love, but she loved me during the relationship as much as I loved her only after it. This was my first really serious relationship, we talked about moving in together and a future together as well.

 

The main reason I broke it off (among other matters I was willing to settle for since there were more positives than negatives) is because, and I guess I've come to learn partly after the breakup that most if not all women remember every single thing, every detail, every word and every gaze - And there is nothing wrong with that, if you can forgive your partner for his/her mistakes.

She constantly kept bringing up things that happened 3,6,8,12,18+ months ago... Even things I've already apologized for, some of them I don't even remember saying or doing.. She would keep bad things bottled up in her heart for months, years, even after we talked about them, and not even big things per say, I never did the same to her, it seems insane to me to point a finger at every little word she said that *accidentally* hurt me. I talked with her many times about the fact that what she is doing is unhealthy for her (psychologically), me and us, and for a long time I thought she could change, but she didn't... We ended up fighting a lot because of this, I only ever wanted her to be happy, and it tore me apart from the inside because I felt like I wasn't giving her that happiness, and the sad truth is, while there were clearly more positives than negatives, I decided I couldn't live like that my entire life, how can you be with someone you forgive easily for things because you love them but they never forgive you for anything? So I broke it off even though I was still very much in love, and you have no idea how much it pained me to actually do it, or how much it pains me to write this right now.

 

For the first few months after the breakup I didn't want to sleep with anyone else because emotionally I just couldn't do it, and I didn't want her to get hurt more if she found out, I still cared for her very much. Instead I took the time to look back at all the wrongs I did and improve and change myself for the better, vowing never to do X again or Y again, I changed a lot, I became a better man.

 

We remained in somewhat close touch (probably a mistake, she frequently told me she was over me during our talks) from the breakup and during four months after.

Until I found out that beginning a month after we broke up she started having sex with a friend of mine that's in my OFFICE, its still happening to this very day, and I still have to see him, work with him sometimes, and get reminded of it every single day, I was crushed like I was never crushed in my life, I sunk into depression and it effected my work as well. The moment I found out I was overcome with anger and hurt, so I lashed out at her and said very very hurtful things, I was probably the most upset and angry I've ever been in my life, she saw me crying like she had never seen me before, seems like it barely nudged her. For the following months, dawn till dusk, all I did was imagine them having sex, and while I am no longer depressed, I still see him and think about them on a daily basis.

 

About a month after I found out and was extremely depressed, I asked her to meet me, apologized for everything, told her she was the only one for me, that I made a mistake, that I changed and that I wanted to be with her my entire life, essentially begged for her to take me back, the response I got was a forced apology, her telling me to go have sex with other girls and - "I don't want us back, I don't owe you anything, I will never regret what I did, I'm still going to keep having sex with him, and if we are meant to be then one day in the future it will happen, but at least for the near future we are no longer going to talk to each other".

 

And that was the last time we spoke.

I know she didn't cheat on me, but I feel disappointment and betrayal when I think of the situation.. The last thing I ever would have done is to sleep with her friends/people she sees everyday. We had an amazing and explorative sex life, which only adds now to the hurt and jealousy.

 

Two months have passed since then with no contact, and she is still on my mind, although I know that we are not right for each other, both because of the reasons we broke up, and secondly because of the complete lack of care for my feelings after the breakup, I truly do not understand her cold heartedness or how she has no remorse whatsoever... How quickly she stopped giving a $hit about me. I feel bad for her, because if she doesn't change she won't be happy in her life, even if she finds someone who is able to handle it, because she mostly remembers all the bad things, people tell me its her issues and I shouldn't care anymore, perhaps they are right.. But I care because that's who I am, and I can barely come to grips with the notion that two people who were this close can hurt each other this way, hate each other or cut all contact... and despite everything, all the lies and things she did, why am I still in love with her??

 

I do stop to ask myself if I'm being selfish, and that I broke her heart, and this is how she is dealing with it.. But both of us were devastated.

I didn't expect or want her to lay around crying all day, but she didn't have to go and torture me in her process, I never imagined she would do something like this.

I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that I could never have the capacity to do this to someone, whether I still love them or not, and I think of all the people she could've screwed and I wouldn't have have known, this situation wouldn't have happened. Some tell me that she has done nothing wrong and she is free to do as she pleases, and whatever happened after isn't my business, but this is what I feel, am I wrong to feel this hurt?

 

I thought there was supposed to be even a little bit of respect towards each other after a serious relationship, is this notion wrong?

 

I dated a few women in the last 2 months but some were either not my taste or I wasn't theirs, and the truth is I don't want to use sex to get over her like she did, so I'm not hesitant to get in bed with a random chick who I have absolutely no feelings for.

 

What would you guys do in my situation? It is completely unbearable in many ways to know she is sleeping with him, let alone imagine it. How do I truly let her go even when I have no choice but to be reminded of it every single day?

[fujidabruin]

Gotta go full NC dude. Maybe even send her a last message telling her that you are doing so and do not want a response. Does not matter how she will take it.

Start detaching from your attachment. You know it is over and you said yourself that you should not have tried to stay friends. I did the same thing my man, it only prolonged the pain after I realized that I was in denial.

 

Keep yourself busy. Get her off that pedestal you put her on. Do you really want to be with the kind of person that does not care that she deliberately did something that she knows has deeply hurt you? Could you even be friends with someone like that??? Change your bedroom and anywhere else that you were intimate. It helped me forget.

 

Take things hour to hour, then day to day, work on being the best you can and things will get better.

[StrongLass]

There are ways to get over someone when you're still in close proximity to them, and those methods mainly deal with filling your life so full of other positive things having nothing to do with romance that you don't have time to dwell on the past. I recommend you start with those-many are discussed in this forum if you skim through the archives.

 

Her behavior to me is in bad taste, but that's simply my own moral code talking. Love has a lot more to do with proximity then people like to admit so it makes logistical sense that she'd attach to someone else in the work environment you both inhabit. TECHNICALLY she IS completely free to do as she pleases, especially since you're the one who ended things.

 

If you really feel that being in your current position is causing you so much grief & preventing you from healing fully then I'd start looking for another job if I were you.

 

However...

 

It sounds to me you're mourning the fact that you "lost" more than the loss of whatever relationship you had with this cold chick, so you might not have to go that far. And before you tell me how crazy that is remember...you ended it originally for a reason and now that you CAN'T have her you're going crazy.

[jadeicon]

There are ways to get over someone when you're still in close proximity to them, and those methods mainly deal with filling your life so full of other positive things having nothing to do with romance that you don't have time to dwell on the past. I recommend you start with those-many are discussed in this forum if you skim through the archives.

 

Her behavior to me is in bad taste, but that's simply my own moral code talking. Love has a lot more to do with proximity then people like to admit so it makes logistical sense that she'd attach to someone else in the work environment you both inhabit. TECHNICALLY she IS completely free to do as she pleases, especially since you're the one who ended things.

 

If you really feel that being in your current position is causing you so much grief & preventing you from healing fully then I'd start looking for another job if I were you.

 

However...

 

It sounds to me you're mourning the fact that you "lost" more than the loss of whatever relationship you had with this cold chick, so you might not have to go that far. And before you tell me how crazy that is remember...you ended it originally for a reason and now that you CAN'T have her you're going crazy.

 

That's the point, she ISN'T in the office... we DON'T both work there...

and I trusted her so much, I didn't think she'd be able do do something like this...

I guess part of it is relating to loss itself and especially loss of trust in someone you trusted so well, so to have a daily reminder is extremely tough.

In many ways I still feel like I couldn't love someone else the same way I loved her, or be loved by someone else the same way she loved me.. but maybe that'll change with time??

 

@fujidabruin you're right.. in the end she doesn't deserve my friendship.

 

 

Thanks for answering guys. I guess she is still on a pedestal even though I thought I stopped doing that.

Edited August 5, 2013 by jadeicon