It's Not Always An Affair For Women

[vla1120]

I just wanted to make a quick comment. I'm reading threads from husbands who are confused that their wives are suddenly leaving or asking for a divorce. There are comments from people convinced that it "must be an affair because women don't just up and leave suddenly." I did decide literally overnight that I had had enough and wanted a divorce. Granted, it was after battling breast cancer and feeling like I was on my own through the whole experience.

 

Ironically, I was cleaning my closet today and came across my 20-year-old journal. I was contemplating leaving 20 years ago. Reading my journal just confirmed for me that I gave this relationship everything I had and stayed after his affairs to keep the family together. Now he's acting like my request for a divorce came out of left field. No. I just got to an age where I said "It's my turn, now."

 

I do get frustrated because he evokes sympathy from our daughters, family, and friends by acting shocked and hurt by my declaration of independence. Some of them feel horribly sorry for him and think I'm acting selfishly. They are correct. For the first time in my life, I am putting myself first (right behind my girls, lol.)

 

And so, in closing, men do not assume your wife is having an affair. She may just be like me, wanting to live her life for herself - unless you have young children. In that case, I hope she will stay to give your children a stable home with mom and dad until they reach a more independent age.

 

Now, I'm going to go put on a flak jacket to get ready for all the backlash from this post!

[M30USA]

Women don't leave their husbands because of affairs. The top 2 reasons are "neglect" (or lack of attention) and husband being a "bad provider". It's important to note that these terms are highly subjective and can be equally related to a wife's expectations rather than what her husband is or isn't doing. But my main point is that women rarely leave because of an affair. They use the affair as an easy out for the true reason that he was either a bad provider or a neglectful spouse. If anything, I've seen affairs actually make a woman shape up and not take her husband for granted in cases where he is not neglectful and he is providing well.

[Misfortune]

Everyone leaves not just women. People leave/have affairs for many reasons like neglect and such. The thing is, most people-not everyone- jump right into a another relationship instead of staying single and dealing with their emotions.

[M30USA]

Everyone leaves not just women. People leave/have affairs for many reasons like neglect and such. The thing is, most people-not everyone- jump right into a another relationship instead of staying single and dealing with their emotions.

 

Why deal with one's own problems? We're living in America. Blame someone else!

[Misfortune]

That's what I see. People jump from relationship to relationship to get that bolt of "happiness" and they don't have to deal with what they did. Push the guilt, shame and whatever to the back of their minds.

 

It's not always anything for everyone because, we're all individuals. If you look at it from a majority standpoint though, you see that most of these relationships end with the dumper having an affair or an instant relationship after the break up.

 

Maybe your husband was blindsided because you chose to stay after his affairs, that probably gave him the idea that you wouldn't leave. Eventually you built up resentment for him and left. It may not be sudden to you but it is to the dumpee. Even with the neglect, some dumpers stay and pretend their happy while building up enough resentment to push them over the edge or building a new life with their affair partners. They never say anything about being at their limit out loud, they instead claim they "gave it their all/exhaust themselves from trying to fix things". Not saying you didn't give it your all and such, just speaking from my experience and stories from others. The rarest of the rare-like you- actually leave and take time to themselves.

 

The simple fact is, it's tooooo easy to replace things/people in today's world. No reason to really try when you can have someone else with one like of picture. Until people do things like counseling, read relationship books and stuff like that, they have not "tried everything".

[Mr. Lucky]

I just wanted to make a quick comment. I'm reading threads from husbands who are confused that their wives are suddenly leaving or asking for a divorce. There are comments from people convinced that it "must be an affair because women don't just up and leave suddenly." I did decide literally overnight that I had had enough and wanted a divorce. Granted, it was after battling breast cancer and feeling like I was on my own through the whole experience.

I'm going to assume you were fair with your husband and communicated both your unhappiness and what part his conduct played in that discontent. So while your leaving may have been sudden, it shouldn't have been a surprise.

 

Different story from many of the posters here, where they are blindsided by their spouse's exit from a relatively happy marriage. And while not universal, a physical or emotional affair often plays a part in the WS's decision to jump ship. Unhappy doesn't mean unfaithful but you'd be amazed at how often cheaters can convince themselves the reverse is true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[keepontruckin]

When my life left about four months ago, it was due, in her eyes, to neglect I suppose. And looking back, I did neglect her in a way. Little things that I didn't really think mattered, did. Of course, by the time I realized she was finished with me, there was nothing I could do! I was always a good provider financially, and would have even paid for marriage counselling, but at that point she just wanted out and wouldn't even entertain the thought. There was nothing I could say or do. She would probably pick homelessness rather than ever giving me a chance to fix whatever problems she thought there were.

 

It did hit me like a kick to the face. I didn't think things were that bad, and she never really complained all that much. We had everything material that we needed. Helped her buy a brand new car, would always go out for dinners, movies, etc., so life seemed OK. We seemed like best friends right up until the end, still holding hands every time we'd walk together.

 

In hindsight there were areas that I fell short, at least to her anyhow... I like my beer. Always have, and probably always will. Sometimes I get silly after a few, but there was always that frat boy side of me. It is who I am. And I also know that I should've made love to her more often. She wanted sex a lot, and I had lost a bit of my "drive" so to speak. However, these are things that could've been worked on, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

 

I'm fairly certain that there wasn't anyone else after she left, since we actually still spent a lot of time together for the next few weeks, as odd as that sounds. I was busy furnishing her apartment (yes, I know, but that was before I'd even heard about no contact). We went to the gym together (first time ever). Went for walks together, etc. I was trying to be the ideal man in every aspect, but she just "wanted to be friends."

 

Now, she may have a man now, but I haven't seen any evidence of it if she does. I did access her email and voicemail once when I was in a different stage of the breakup, and found nothing odd.

 

We didn't fight or argue all that much, so it's just like she flipped the switch and decided she was done with me! At first I was sad and angry all at once. Sad that I lost my best friend, and angry that I lost my best friend, without having been given the opportunity to address any issues. I was the same person she married (in height, weight, looks, attitude, financially solid, everything basically), but she instantly changed, which made it hard to come up with a game plan as what to do, how to act, what to change, etc... When she stated that she "wants the man she married," I was confused since we've only been married for a little over a year, and I didn't change at all:laugh:

 

Only after some searching did I realize no contact was the only way to go. After two months of trying, and showing, that I can become the ultimate man, I realized I was wasting my time.

 

Would I take her back? Probably, since I'm generous to a fault. However, something tells me she won't be contacting me unless everything else fails for her, and I become the last resort Plan B:laugh:

[M30USA]

When my life left about four months ago, it was due, in her eyes, to neglect I suppose. And looking back, I did neglect her in a way. Little things that I didn't really think mattered, did. Of course, by the time I realized she was finished with me, there was nothing I could do! I was always a good provider financially, and would have even paid for marriage counselling, but at that point she just wanted out and wouldn't even entertain the thought. There was nothing I could say or do. She would probably pick homelessness rather than ever giving me a chance to fix whatever problems she thought there were.

 

It did hit me like a kick to the face. I didn't think things were that bad, and she never really complained all that much. We had everything material that we needed. Helped her buy a brand new car, would always go out for dinners, movies, etc., so life seemed OK. We seemed like best friends right up until the end, still holding hands every time we'd walk together.

 

In hindsight there were areas that I fell short, at least to her anyhow... I like my beer. Always have, and probably always will. Sometimes I get silly after a few, but there was always that frat boy side of me. It is who I am. And I also know that I should've made love to her more often. She wanted sex a lot, and I had lost a bit of my "drive" so to speak. However, these are things that could've been worked on, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

 

I'm fairly certain that there wasn't anyone else after she left, since we actually still spent a lot of time together for the next few weeks, as odd as that sounds. I was busy furnishing her apartment (yes, I know, but that was before I'd even heard about no contact). We went to the gym together (first time ever). Went for walks together, etc. I was trying to be the ideal man in every aspect, but she just "wanted to be friends."

 

Now, she may have a man now, but I haven't seen any evidence of it if she does. I did access her email and voicemail once when I was in a different stage of the breakup, and found nothing odd.

 

We didn't fight or argue all that much, so it's just like she flipped the switch and decided she was done with me! At first I was sad and angry all at once. Sad that I lost my best friend, and angry that I lost my best friend, without having been given the opportunity to address any issues. I was the same person she married (in height, weight, looks, attitude, financially solid, everything basically), but she instantly changed, which made it hard to come up with a game plan as what to do, how to act, what to change, etc... When she stated that she "wants the man she married," I was confused since we've only been married for a little over a year, and I didn't change at all:laugh:

 

Only after some searching did I realize no contact was the only way to go. After two months of trying, and showing, that I can become the ultimate man, I realized I was wasting my time.

 

Would I take her back? Probably, since I'm generous to a fault. However, something tells me she won't be contacting me unless everything else fails for her, and I become the last resort Plan B:laugh:

 

You were a good provider and you didn't abuse her. I don't see why she didn't just try to work it out with you.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You were a good provider and you didn't abuse her. I don't see why she didn't just try to work it out with you.

 

Are you serious? So a marriage can work as long as the wife doesn't get smacked around and has money for things? Please say you aren't serious.

[Misfortune]

Are you serious? So a marriage can work as long as the wife doesn't get smacked around and has money for things? Please say you aren't serious.

 

I don't think M30 meant it in that way. If everything else is great and few things are bad, would you not try everything to fix those bad problems? Mediators are important because mates just tend to butt heads and nothing gets solve. Counseling is important because you each get a chance to be heard without interruption.

 

A lot of people pretend to be happy and then just end things one day. If your mate is showing you happiness, why would you think there's something wrong? Why would you not be blindsided when they leave? You didn't see it coming. These kind of people want out of the relationship. You can tell who actually wants to keep their relationship by how hard BOTH work towards fixing w/e issues they have. They do everything under the sun to find a fix before calling it quits.

[karnak]

People keep forgetting that happy people don't end relationships.

 

If a man or a woman leave a marriage it's because they're unhappy with the state of things and are looking for something better.

[Misfortune]

People keep forgetting that happy people don't end relationships.

 

If a man or a woman leave a marriage it's because they're unhappy with the state of things and are looking for something better.

 

We know that, Karnak. If you really want to and work towards it, you can turn that frown to a smile. People DO NOT want to work. Everyone wants instant gratification when times are rough.

 

Of course I can make you completely happy during the wooing stages, that's because that is all I'm trying to do. After being together for a while, other things come along and takes up a part of the time that would be used to woo/pay attention to you completely. People have work, health problems, deaths, family issues, kids, unhappy with themselves, etc. Sorry if I neglect you because I'm grieving the lost of someone close to me.(people really do leave people over something like that) it's sick.

 

You would never abandon a friend/bestfriend during their bad times or even when they ignore you; you would be there for them and try to fix what's wrong. Why would would you treat someone who should be closer to you than your friend/bestfriend like that? Because its easy to replace them. You'll accept anyone else's "baggage" except your spouses eh?

[orionboxing]

When my life left about four months ago, it was due, in her eyes, to neglect I suppose. And looking back, I did neglect her in a way. Little things that I didn't really think mattered, did. Of course, by the time I realized she was finished with me, there was nothing I could do! I was always a good provider financially, and would have even paid for marriage counselling, but at that point she just wanted out and wouldn't even entertain the thought. There was nothing I could say or do. She would probably pick homelessness rather than ever giving me a chance to fix whatever problems she thought there were.

 

It did hit me like a kick to the face. I didn't think things were that bad, and she never really complained all that much. We had everything material that we needed. Helped her buy a brand new car, would always go out for dinners, movies, etc., so life seemed OK. We seemed like best friends right up until the end, still holding hands every time we'd walk together.

 

In hindsight there were areas that I fell short, at least to her anyhow... I like my beer. Always have, and probably always will. Sometimes I get silly after a few, but there was always that frat boy side of me. It is who I am. And I also know that I should've made love to her more often. She wanted sex a lot, and I had lost a bit of my "drive" so to speak. However, these are things that could've been worked on, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

 

I'm fairly certain that there wasn't anyone else after she left, since we actually still spent a lot of time together for the next few weeks, as odd as that sounds. I was busy furnishing her apartment (yes, I know, but that was before I'd even heard about no contact). We went to the gym together (first time ever). Went for walks together, etc. I was trying to be the ideal man in every aspect, but she just "wanted to be friends."

 

Now, she may have a man now, but I haven't seen any evidence of it if she does. I did access her email and voicemail once when I was in a different stage of the breakup, and found nothing odd.

 

We didn't fight or argue all that much, so it's just like she flipped the switch and decided she was done with me! At first I was sad and angry all at once. Sad that I lost my best friend, and angry that I lost my best friend, without having been given the opportunity to address any issues. I was the same person she married (in height, weight, looks, attitude, financially solid, everything basically), but she instantly changed, which made it hard to come up with a game plan as what to do, how to act, what to change, etc... When she stated that she "wants the man she married," I was confused since we've only been married for a little over a year, and I didn't change at all:laugh:

 

Only after some searching did I realize no contact was the only way to go. After two months of trying, and showing, that I can become the ultimate man, I realized I was wasting my time.

 

Would I take her back? Probably, since I'm generous to a fault. However, something tells me she won't be contacting me unless everything else fails for her, and I become the last resort Plan B:laugh:

 

You were a good guy to her.

 

Why didn't you have a sex drive? Were you overworked? Didn't find her attractive?

[worldgonewrong]

Women don't leave their husbands because of affairs.

 

Balderdash.

Some women do. Out of selfishness, their perception of things/people as disposable/replaceable, out of being parasitic and growing irritated when they see that their man can't continually keep her on a pedestal. (Nobody should ever place anyone on a pedestal, btw.)

[M30USA]

Balderdash.

Some women do. Out of selfishness, their perception of things/people as disposable/replaceable, out of being parasitic and growing irritated when they see that their man can't continually keep her on a pedestal. (Nobody should ever place anyone on a pedestal, btw.)

 

Read my post. I said women don't leave for the PRIMARY reason of their husband's affair.

[2.50 a gallon]

From what I have observed, quite often the one wife who walks, quite often has been unhappy for years. Alcoholism, abuse, being taken for granted, controlling, lack of romance, being ignored, while the H is too busy on the computer with his games, or sports.

 

It is like a teetooter, they will hit ground and bounce up, and give it another chance, over and over, until one day, enough is enough, the love is gone, they hit ground and walk away.

 

It happened to my best friend, in fact I was best man at their wedding. He admits she had been trying to tell him for years, but he was too into making money. And he made a fortune. When they took time off it was Alaska, Mexico, Hawaii, but they were all fishing of golfing trips for him. He brought her along.

 

Once she was done, she was finished. They were married over 30 years

[trippi1432]

I just wanted to make a quick comment. I'm reading threads from husbands who are confused that their wives are suddenly leaving or asking for a divorce. There are comments from people convinced that it "must be an affair because women don't just up and leave suddenly." I did decide literally overnight that I had had enough and wanted a divorce. Granted, it was after battling breast cancer and feeling like I was on my own through the whole experience.

 

Ironically, I was cleaning my closet today and came across my 20-year-old journal. I was contemplating leaving 20 years ago. Reading my journal just confirmed for me that I gave this relationship everything I had and stayed after his affairs to keep the family together. Now he's acting like my request for a divorce came out of left field. No. I just got to an age where I said "It's my turn, now."

 

I do get frustrated because he evokes sympathy from our daughters, family, and friends by acting shocked and hurt by my declaration of independence. Some of them feel horribly sorry for him and think I'm acting selfishly. They are correct. For the first time in my life, I am putting myself first (right behind my girls, lol.)

 

And so, in closing, men do not assume your wife is having an affair. She may just be like me, wanting to live her life for herself - unless you have young children. In that case, I hope she will stay to give your children a stable home with mom and dad until they reach a more independent age.

 

Now, I'm going to go put on a flak jacket to get ready for all the backlash from this post!

 

No backlash here, I read in your original post that you stayed with him through his affairs and here you are saying that you basically went through breast cancer with no emotional support or care from him.....it's a wonder you even hung in 32 years. He's obviously the "charmer". As for him being on dating sites and the what-not.....wish him well, he can be someone else's problem now.

 

No, not all women leave because she's having an affair, the circumstances of the marriage, lack of compassion, empathy, emotional support does make a woman lose respect for her husband though, but doesn't mean she has to find it with another man. If you think about vows and what they mean, "sickness and in health" and "forsaking all others".....Breast cancer is a very scary thing to go through, both emotionally as well as physically. Two things so far on your story Vla, two things that you don't have to tell a man how he failed, he should know it....infidelity and not being there in a health crisis.

 

More to say, but I will post it on your other thread. Granted, with what you have been through, you lack proper support...but understandable you have put up with more than your fair share of a very unbalanced marriage.

[vla1120]

I worked very hard to make our marriage work for 32 years. I initiated couples counseling every few years. We kept trying different couselors until he found one he liked. Even then, he only stayed for about 3 sessions, always telling me that if I would just change, we would be fine. In other words, if I just continued to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace, our marriage might have lasted an eternity, with him going on his quarterly golf trips and disappearing on the weekends with "the guys" at will, and me staying home like the good little wife, literally being asked where I was going if I left the living room to go to the bathroom. No thanks.