madmax87 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I have been out of contact for over a month now. Admittedly, I made the mistake of peeking at her OKC profile twice (butterfingers on the phone app), and she'll probably see that, but otherwise I haven't said a word to her. I went so far as to disconnect from her on Facebook and unfollow her on Twitter. Others have advised me to go NC for the sake of both my and her sanity, but they gave the whole thing such an absolute, final tone. Friends would say "You'll never hear from her again. Assume this person's out of your life." with such an air of finality. This bothered me. Recently I got in touch with a former college professor of mine with whom I have a good relationship and he also advised NC, but implied that nobody disappears for good. Chances are I'll hear from her, and by the time I do I'll have already felt better. That's what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that I can regain this girl's respect and that I will hear from her, and that by the time it happens I'll have recovered.
flitzanu Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I have been out of contact for over a month now. Admittedly, I made the mistake of peeking at her OKC profile twice (butterfingers on the phone app), and she'll probably see that, but otherwise I haven't said a word to her. I went so far as to disconnect from her on Facebook and unfollow her on Twitter. Others have advised me to go NC for the sake of both my and her sanity, but they gave the whole thing such an absolute, final tone. Friends would say "You'll never hear from her again. Assume this person's out of your life." with such an air of finality. This bothered me. Recently I got in touch with a former college professor of mine with whom I have a good relationship and he also advised NC, but implied that nobody disappears for good. Chances are I'll hear from her, and by the time I do I'll have already felt better. That's what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that I can regain this girl's respect and that I will hear from her, and that by the time it happens I'll have recovered. yes, some people DO disappear for good. i hope you're not putting all your faith in hearing from this ex again because it's just as likely you never will. 1
Author madmax87 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) I'm not. The idea of finality was depressing to me, is all. I'm not waiting for her to reach out or anything like that. I'm just saying this process will be easier with me if I don't attach absolutes to the outcome. It has been, actually. I've felt pretty good for the past couple of weeks. Edited August 4, 2013 by madmax87
xanitus Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 it's true. Once the emotions are gone you are likely to come across them again, especially if it wasn't an abusive or bad relationship.
fujidabruin Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I have only been out of the relationship for two weeks and full NC for a week. I also told her a week ago that I was going full NC after she dumped me and she was upset about it and accepting as well. I ended up lifting my full NC for one day. She works as a facilitator and told her I would like to get together just for the day and then I would go my own way again. Told her I have no expectations and I wanted to just discuss any issues we might have and hoped she would be in sync with that and use her professional skills to help process things for both us. We got together yesterday and it went better than I could have imagined. Got together at 9:30am and drove out to the mountains about 90 minutes away. We spent almost 8 hours together and it became so relaxed and easy. Talked about everything including her new casual relationship. Gotta admit it was not easy to do, but now I know our relationship was not a facade and someday we could truly be friends. I know I have weeks or months of healing and processing to do but I am off to a good start. So I don't think you need to see your relationship in terms of finality. But, you must accept that you may only be friends later and she will have moved on. I hope by the time you see her again you will be happy with yourself and the place you are in and then it will not matter what she is doing cause you will have moved on yourself.
flitzanu Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I'm not. The idea of finality was depressing to me, is all. I'm not waiting for her to reach out or anything like that. I'm just saying this process will be easier with me if I don't attach absolutes to the outcome. It has been, actually. I've felt pretty good for the past couple of weeks. well that's kinda what finality is and should be, it's very often depressing. i'd just hate to see someone giving you crazy false hope that the universe is going to bring everyone back together. i haven't heard a peep from my ex in 3 years now.
crimsoncurrent Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I think that's a reasonable mentality when approaching NC. Speaking from my experience, during the early stages of a BU, NC needs to be implemented swiftly and rigidly in order for healing to begin, and the intense emotions you once felt towards the other person diminish. I honestly wish I had your perspective when beginning NC myself. In earlier times, and even now, when the name of my ex is uttered, because of nearly 7 months of complete NC, she's become almost mythical in my mind. Anyway, continue to endure!
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I'm not. The idea of finality was depressing to me, is all. I'm not waiting for her to reach out or anything like that. I'm just saying this process will be easier with me if I don't attach absolutes to the outcome. It has been, actually. I've felt pretty good for the past couple of weeks. As you know, there's no absolutes in life. When your emotions are high post break up, these thoughts of finality are hard to accept. As time goes on and you get a clearer head and can reflect on the relationship, most realize the relationship wasn't the great anyway or had deteriorated to the point that the break up was a good thing. I'm 9 weeks post break up and NC. I've got a new girl in my life and the ex was such a bitch the last couple of months, she'll never hear from me again. I still say if you polled 100 people, a year after getting dumped, 90-95% of them would say they're glad the relationship ended. I think the biggest thing is coping with the rejection not necessarily not seeing the person anymore of being in the relationship. 1
Author madmax87 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Oh, I might very well say the same thing a year from now. The thing is, it's still a (fairly) recent breakup. We split back in April, and I exhibited some pretty awful post-breakup behavior for the first two months. I was accusatory and asked unfair questions for the first month. The next month I claimed to feel okay, but was just pretty clingy and pathetic. The past month that I've gone NC I've felt a little better. It was hard at first, but again the notion that time may heal in such a way that I can be forgiven for the behavior I exhibited is nice. Funny thing is, I may not need that validation or forgiveness by the time it comes.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Sorry, I haven't read all the replies. I also have a problem with the concept of finality and deleting. So I just "hide" or "put things in boxes". Just... away from sight.
Author madmax87 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 It's not that I have an issue with finality in general. Just this instance. I was happy to never talk to the ex prior to this one ever again. That's probably because the previous relationship was terribly unhealthy. This one just sorta dissolved. We never fought or anything. I got clingy and she got bored. Then it was over. The funny thing was, even to the end she said I think in absolutes too much.
Chi townD Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Not really a new approach to NC. Some people automatically assume when we say NC we mean, forever! And that's not the case. We stay NC until we no long have any romantic feelings for our Ex's and if we get to a point of nothing but indifference towards them, THEN we can entertain a friendship with our Ex's. But, not if you still have feelings towards them.
Author madmax87 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Ideally I'll heal sooner than later. As I said, this new outlook (rather than approach), will help that happen. I tell you though, you can never completely disconnect what with mutual friends and all.
brandon26003 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 They almost ALWAYS make contact the moment one feels they are over their ex after NC.
Carenth Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Haven't heard a peep from my ex in over 3 years. Went NC a week after the break up. Sometimes they really do drop off the face of the earth.
Author madmax87 Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I'm at day 43 of NC. I should've done this sooner. The fact that it took two months of me being clingy and whiny (and her pointing it out) after the breakup for me to leave her alone bothers me.
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