Boyfriend refuses to introduce daughter: is this strange?

[andiefrance]

I'm going through a divorce and have been legally separated for a year. I have 3 children ages 9, 6, and 4. Our divorce won't be final for awhile, as my future Ex husband refuses to divorce.

 

In the meantime, I've been dating the most wonderful man for the past 7 months. We have a compatibility that I thought was only possible in movies. We love spending every moment we can together and have a great time when we do. We are deeply in love and our relationship is very much moving onto the serious level. On a side note, one of the reasons we are so compatible is that we have the same 'goals' as far as a relationship is concerned: we don't want to get married, we don't want to move in together, we absolutely love the routine we have. I have custody of my kids, but they see their dad for a couple nights every week, so my boyfriend and I see each other then, either at his place or mine.

 

I have very legal reasons for not wanting to introduce him to my children or talk about him to my family: I'm not divorced yet. Also, the separation is too fresh on the minds of my children and my family to contemplate me being with someone else. I feel like it's not the moment right now to bring any change.

 

However, he has never introduced his 9 year old daughter to anyone, nor has he introduced his parents to anyone he has dated in the 7 years he's been separated. At first I thought this was a red flag, but talking through with my therapist, I realized that my boyfriend simply has it in his mind that it will hurt his daughter too much for her dad to have someone in his life and he just prefers keeping things as they are for now.

 

But, we talk non-stop about our kids to one another, we shop for them together, we even buy some of the same clothes for our girls! He'll send me a text saying that he talked the whole afternoon about me to his parents, but then he'll add that he said I was a co-worker. We joke together all the time about meeting each other's families, he even refers sometimes to his parents as my parents-in-law and to me as his daughter's stepmother. Last night when she had to go to Emergency Care, he texted me to tell me. We keep each other informed of our kids. But, all of this without getting involved with the kids.

 

My therapist says that I can't force anything on him, that I need to give it some time and that he'll come around when he's ready to introduce his daughter. But, I guess I want to know how much time to give it. My kids have just left to be with their dad, but my boyfriend is with his daughter so we can't see each other. I have 2 extra tickets to Disneyland and I keep thinking it would be so awesome to go there with them. Or, take today as an example. He and his daughter had lunch with his family and I'm sitting here alone. I'm fine alone, no problem, but I'm feeling a bit left out. I also feel left out when he and his friends get together with their kids, but I'm not "allowed" into that circle. It hurts me because his daughter is part of him and I want to get to know that part of him. I want to take part in her dance recitals and harp concerts rather than just have the CD of her playing (he gave me a CD of her concert). I want to get to know her and spend time with her.

 

At the same time, I think expressing all of this to him will just cause problems and perhaps I'm just being unrealistic?

 

Anyone's thoughts on this would be great!

[tbf]

Try to look at this situation another way. Regardless of reasons, both of you are unable to meet the other person's children. Since the net result is equal, I'm uncertain why the upset.

[Balzac]

While it may be a great romance, you're not truly available until your divorce is final. Your BF is a responsible parent.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah, I think he has his priorities straight...he's got a daughter and he's putting her first, not letting you use her as a catalyst to getting closer to him and becoming a bigger more permanent fixture in his life.

 

I think it's fine that you can share things about each others kids and communicate, after all they are a significant part of your lives, but at the same time you can argue that is his child with someone else, not yours together and you are also in a predicament yourself. Those aren't your children together nor will you be living together so why fix what isn't broken?

 

I've seen too many people throw their love lives around without any regard or consequence only seeing as far the tip of their noses, prioritizing their new found romantic lives with person number X, instead of their relationships with their kids or their best interest, but following around whoever it is they are with at the time and making all the decisions and changes to be with them without any input from the children, and it's not like they have a choice in my cases in the end or even old enough to protest at times. Stability and consistency is very important for children IMO as much as possible.

 

At any rate, I think it's wise he keeps those two worlds separate, especially since he full well knows he doesn't want to bring anyone that close to his personal life in the past 7 years...it might not be what you want but at least the guys being honest and practicing what he preaches, you didn't ask why you both wanted the same things and his attitude/opinion may be entirely different than yours even though you ultimately degree on the same outcome

 

I would like to believe he's being a smart and responsible parent and keeping his romantic life separate until it reached a level of permanence, however he's also partly likely emotionally unavailable and this might become more apparent over time. If he's going to alienate you from the greater part of his significant life indefinitely that is questionable, but over the course of 7 years he's probably learned a few things and holding you in check after 7 months instead of just letting you become apart of his personal life...your interpretation of the situation might work for now, not wanting to move in together and all of that, but I'm sure you'd want to change that later where I'm sure he'd very likely want to stick to his guns.

 

This is how this normally goes...girls meet boy, thinks he's the greatest thing on the planet....coincidentally after another long-term relationship/marriage mind you, then boy says he doesn't want anything that serious in so many words, girl decides she feels the same, after all, she's fresh out of it herself or dealing with drama and the like...girl thinks boy is amazing still and at some point feels that things should progress and goes back on all the crap she was saying months ago because now shes sure she wants this that and the other thing, boy gives girl stiff arm to the face...saying he meant what he said and he doesn't want it to go there....girl gets upset and hurt questions the long-term potential of the relationship...boy remains single for the past seven years, never introducing to his daughter or parents...meets newly divorced/emotionally unavaible/commitment phobe girl...rinse and repeat.

[bubbaganoosh]

A few years after my first marriage ended, I met a woman who was single and no children. I had a daughter and had to fight tooth and nail for my visitation rights with my EXW because she used my daughter as a weapon. I dated this woman for seven months before I introduced her to my daughter. I tried to keep my personal life and my time with my daughter separate. My girlfriend knew I had a daughter, saw pictures of her in my house and I talked to her about my kid and at some point in time my daughter who was 8 at the time asked me if I had a girlfriend. I didn't lie and told her that I did and told her what her name was and what kind of job she had, that sort of thing. One day my daughter asked what did she look like and then I asked her if she would like to meet her and she said that she would, so the next weekend I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out to dinner with me and my daughter and she said yes. So when I picked my girlfriend up I introduced them to each other and we had a nice evening.

 

I just took the cautious approach and didn't try to force my daughter on my girlfriend and vise versa. It just made it easier to both parties. Maybe it's his way although it is a longer time but sooner or later his kid is going to ask the same question mine did and it may force his hand. After all, he doesn't want to lie to his kid. Hope this helps

[sabre80]

As a single full time father I think he is doing right by not being too eager to introduce the kids. First because there is an unfairness in he not being able to meet yours. Second, you are still legally married. Until that changes the risk is WAY too high to have you pop in then out if something goes south. However, I will say his reasoning is a bit of a red flag. Worrying about his child hurting to see him with someone else makes me wonder if that is a temporary preventative measure till things are serious or a long term cage he locks himself into.

 

To many parents live their lives for their kids. They build this world for their kids and live in it. Children live in our lives. They turn 18 they start their own. Those who center their entire existence on their kids run the risk of being very unhappy later on in life.

[Eggplant]

It's not time yet. When you're engaged to him, maybe. Until then, what's the rush?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going through a divorce and have been legally separated for a year. I have 3 children ages 9, 6, and 4. Our divorce won't be final for awhile, as my future Ex husband refuses to divorce.

 

In the meantime, I've been dating the most wonderful man for the past 7 months. We have a compatibility that I thought was only possible in movies. We love spending every moment we can together and have a great time when we do. We are deeply in love and our relationship is very much moving onto the serious level. On a side note, one of the reasons we are so compatible is that we have the same 'goals' as far as a relationship is concerned: we don't want to get married, we don't want to move in together, we absolutely love the routine we have. I have custody of my kids, but they see their dad for a couple nights every week, so my boyfriend and I see each other then, either at his place or mine.

 

I have very legal reasons for not wanting to introduce him to my children or talk about him to my family: I'm not divorced yet. Also, the separation is too fresh on the minds of my children and my family to contemplate me being with someone else. I feel like it's not the moment right now to bring any change.

 

However, he has never introduced his 9 year old daughter to anyone, nor has he introduced his parents to anyone he has dated in the 7 years he's been separated. At first I thought this was a red flag, but talking through with my therapist, I realized that my boyfriend simply has it in his mind that it will hurt his daughter too much for her dad to have someone in his life and he just prefers keeping things as they are for now.

 

But, we talk non-stop about our kids to one another, we shop for them together, we even buy some of the same clothes for our girls! He'll send me a text saying that he talked the whole afternoon about me to his parents, but then he'll add that he said I was a co-worker. We joke together all the time about meeting each other's families, he even refers sometimes to his parents as my parents-in-law and to me as his daughter's stepmother. Last night when she had to go to Emergency Care, he texted me to tell me. We keep each other informed of our kids. But, all of this without getting involved with the kids.

 

My therapist says that I can't force anything on him, that I need to give it some time and that he'll come around when he's ready to introduce his daughter. But, I guess I want to know how much time to give it. My kids have just left to be with their dad, but my boyfriend is with his daughter so we can't see each other. I have 2 extra tickets to Disneyland and I keep thinking it would be so awesome to go there with them. Or, take today as an example. He and his daughter had lunch with his family and I'm sitting here alone. I'm fine alone, no problem, but I'm feeling a bit left out. I also feel left out when he and his friends get together with their kids, but I'm not "allowed" into that circle. It hurts me because his daughter is part of him and I want to get to know that part of him. I want to take part in her dance recitals and harp concerts rather than just have the CD of her playing (he gave me a CD of her concert). I want to get to know her and spend time with her.

 

At the same time, I think expressing all of this to him will just cause problems and perhaps I'm just being unrealistic?

 

Anyone's thoughts on this would be great!

 

THIS is the part that's a bigger red flag. Why is he hiding you from his parents? His daughter, I can totally understand. But he has to tell his parents you're a co-worker after 7 months together? That is very sketchy, in my opinion. Have you met ANY of his family or friends?

[New User]

THIS is the part that's a bigger red flag. Why is he hiding you from his parents? His daughter, I can totally understand. But he has to tell his parents you're a co-worker after 7 months together? That is very sketchy, in my opinion. Have you met ANY of his family or friends?

 

 

I completely missed that part. That is definitely a red flag. The thing with the daughter.... I think that he's taking the right path with that.

[ForeverHopeful1]

OP - why have you never met his parents and what is the reason behind that? I think keeping the kids away from the dating scene is a great idea, and you should commend and respect him for that. The parents thing makes me wonder too.

 

I smell a surprise marriage coming on. Like, "whoops, Im actually still married and with my daughters mother" kind of surprise.

[New User]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. I only wish my parents didn't introduce me to any of their new partners growing up. No. He should be commended and you should be glad this guy has such strong morals. Too many people out there are far too comfortable shoving whomever they have some kind of thing going with in their kids faces and vice versa.

 

This isn't about you, it's about his daughter as well it should be. Also, you certainly have a lot of reasons why he can't meet your kids, I wonder why you don't give him the same credit?

 

 

I agree with this, though I still wonder at the issue of having never met the parents this far in.

 

OP- I've seen much more inappropriate behavior in dating with regards to getting the kids involved too early. To include bringing a young (6 or so year old) son on a first date. Who then proceeded to suggest that "maybe you can marry Mommy and then you'll be the Daddy." I feel bad for that kid, and can't help but think that his childhood will be very chaotic.

[aussietigerwolf]

we all agree on the kid thing but... it's the op being referred to as a co worker that bothers me. does anyone actually know that you're dating?

[soccerrprp]

However, he has never introduced his 9 year old daughter to anyone, nor has he introduced his parents to anyone he has dated in the 7 years he's been separated. At first I thought this was a red flag, but talking through with my therapist, I realized that my boyfriend simply has it in his mind that it will hurt his daughter too much for her dad to have someone in his life and he just prefers keeping things as they are for now.

 

I apologize if I missed this somewhere, but did you mean to say "separated?" He's been "separated" for 7-years!?

 

I made an earlier mistake of introducing my kids too early in a relationship. I will never do that again. He is being responsible in that sense, but his alienation of you is worrisome as others have expressed.

[aussietigerwolf]

I apologize if I missed this somewhere, but did you mean to say "separated?" He's been "separated" for 7-years!?

 

 

wait...what??? I missed that too. I'd be rather concerned about that... I would have assumed that one or the other would have commenced divorce proceedings at some point before then.

[andiefrance]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

I need to clarify some things. 1/ I live in Europe (I don't want to disclose where although it will probably be obvious from what I write.). About 50 percent of couples don't get married and they simply do a civil union or just live together and have kids. It's very cultural. My BF had his daugther and lived and bought a house with his girlfriend as if they were married, but they were never officially married, hence the reason why they are not officially "divorced". It's not possible to divorce if you aren't married!

 

As for Disneyland, I live about an hour away from the European version of Disney, and it is nothing like the American version! Much, much smaller, and it's just like going to a regular amusement park. I did think it would be a fun first outing because there would be less pressure.

 

I in no way want to play mom to his daughter. I have my own kids who are my priority. It's more of wanting to meet that part of him.

 

That said, I completely understand that it's too soon, he can't meet my kids (nor do I want him to right now). I think what ultimately bothers me is his reasoning: it's not because it's not the right time, it's not because he can't meet my kids, it's because he doesn't believe it's healthy for his daughter to see him with someone and he's afraid to bring someone new into their routine. My own kids see a psychologist to get through the separation and the psychologist tells me that it's really healthy for kids to see their parents in a relationship eventually.

 

I have met his best friend, and he talks about me all the time to his other friends who live out of town. One of his friend's parents said we could use their apartment in a vacation area anytime we wanted.

 

And I forgot to mention that his daughter "knows" he's got a girlfriend. Back in April, at Easter dinner with his parents, she all of the sudden blurted out "Daddy has a girlfriend and her name is _____" My BF changed the conversation. Then one night we were talking on the phone and she got up to get a glass of water. When he went to put her back to bed, she told him "I know you were on the phone with your GF __________" She sees my name popping up on his phone when I send a text message.

 

As for his parents, I have to admit that it kind of hurts being called a co-worker. He said he really wanted to talk about me to them, so he said I was a co-worker since he can't really tell them because of his daughter. I think he equates meeting his parents with meeting his daughter.He did tell me the other day that someday, they will know. We also talk about meeting my parents and he feels that he would get along really well with my dad. But, we talk 'in theory'. Personally, I can't tell my parents right now because I'm not even divorced. As some of you mentioned, perhaps when the divorce is finalized, things will move more easily but right now, it's just not good timing.

 

I don't think he has a committment problem, I think he's just really scared. He has gotten into a routine with his daughter and with me, his personal life is completely separate and he's scared to mix them because he's never done it. This is the one area I don't feel comfortable bringing up with him. I don't want to pressure him in any way and I know that in the future, when he's ready, he'll introduce me. But, that still doesn't take away the feeling that I feel left out of a part of his life. Maybe I need to work on why I need to exist so much for his family. If I could tell me family, I would (not my kids).

 

And, he gets so freaked out if it happens that we are in the same area of the city at the same time when we're with our kids. I keep telling him, our kids don't know each other and they don't know us, if that ever happens, we can ignore each other.

 

Once, he did say to me "Our routine is really great, our kids never have to know each other, we never have to bring the kids in it, and I think it's wonderful like that." I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I never know how things are going to evolve and that I might find separating my personal life is something that I enjoy or that he finds he wants me to meet his family at some point but that it's too early for that to become an issue.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your advice!

[melodymatters]

Once as a divorced single mom, I dated a divorced single dad briefly. It came up in conversation whether either of us desired more children someday. His answer was no, as it wouldn't be "fair" to Patrick. I found that insane, that because his wife left him for another man, and he couldn't be with his son 100% of the time, this 3 yr old would somehow " suffer" if he had a sibling someday.

 

 

I'm obviously ok with parents being careful with their children's feelings, but too many go overboard, making EVERYTHING about a 5 or 7 or 9 yr old's POSSIBLE hurt feelings, Guess what : Your kid will learn soon enough that the world does NOT revolve around them, the sooner the better in a safe home environment would be healthier IMO.

 

I agree his statements would make me uncomfortable. People nowadays try to be so PC, they leave common sense behind !

[Krytie TV]

Good for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

I need to clarify some things. 1/ I live in Europe (I don't want to disclose where although it will probably be obvious from what I write.). About 50 percent of couples don't get married and they simply do a civil union or just live together and have kids. It's very cultural. My BF had his daugther and lived and bought a house with his girlfriend as if they were married, but they were never officially married, hence the reason why they are not officially "divorced". It's not possible to divorce if you aren't married!

 

As for Disneyland, I live about an hour away from the European version of Disney, and it is nothing like the American version! Much, much smaller, and it's just like going to a regular amusement park. I did think it would be a fun first outing because there would be less pressure.

 

I in no way want to play mom to his daughter. I have my own kids who are my priority. It's more of wanting to meet that part of him.

 

That said, I completely understand that it's too soon, he can't meet my kids (nor do I want him to right now). I think what ultimately bothers me is his reasoning: it's not because it's not the right time, it's not because he can't meet my kids, it's because he doesn't believe it's healthy for his daughter to see him with someone and he's afraid to bring someone new into their routine. My own kids see a psychologist to get through the separation and the psychologist tells me that it's really healthy for kids to see their parents in a relationship eventually.

 

I have met his best friend, and he talks about me all the time to his other friends who live out of town. One of his friend's parents said we could use their apartment in a vacation area anytime we wanted.

 

And I forgot to mention that his daughter "knows" he's got a girlfriend. Back in April, at Easter dinner with his parents, she all of the sudden blurted out "Daddy has a girlfriend and her name is _____" My BF changed the conversation. Then one night we were talking on the phone and she got up to get a glass of water. When he went to put her back to bed, she told him "I know you were on the phone with your GF __________" She sees my name popping up on his phone when I send a text message.

 

As for his parents, I have to admit that it kind of hurts being called a co-worker. He said he really wanted to talk about me to them, so he said I was a co-worker since he can't really tell them because of his daughter. I think he equates meeting his parents with meeting his daughter.He did tell me the other day that someday, they will know. We also talk about meeting my parents and he feels that he would get along really well with my dad. But, we talk 'in theory'. Personally, I can't tell my parents right now because I'm not even divorced. As some of you mentioned, perhaps when the divorce is finalized, things will move more easily but right now, it's just not good timing.

 

I don't think he has a committment problem, I think he's just really scared. He has gotten into a routine with his daughter and with me, his personal life is completely separate and he's scared to mix them because he's never done it. This is the one area I don't feel comfortable bringing up with him. I don't want to pressure him in any way and I know that in the future, when he's ready, he'll introduce me. But, that still doesn't take away the feeling that I feel left out of a part of his life. Maybe I need to work on why I need to exist so much for his family. If I could tell me family, I would (not my kids).

 

And, he gets so freaked out if it happens that we are in the same area of the city at the same time when we're with our kids. I keep telling him, our kids don't know each other and they don't know us, if that ever happens, we can ignore each other.

 

Once, he did say to me "Our routine is really great, our kids never have to know each other, we never have to bring the kids in it, and I think it's wonderful like that." I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I never know how things are going to evolve and that I might find separating my personal life is something that I enjoy or that he finds he wants me to meet his family at some point but that it's too early for that to become an issue.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your advice!

 

Freaked out, how? What does he say? I still think referring to you as a co-worker to his parents is beyond strange and disrespectful to you. You basically don't exist to them. His daughter knows he has a girlfriend, but his parents don't? Maybe he's not ready for you to meet them, but I can't fathom why he pretends you're nothing more than a co-worker. After 7 months, something is not adding up in that department. He's hiding you from them for some reason, and if I were you, I'd ask him flat-out what that reason is.