So alone...

[Scofield]

Hi all, I'm new here. I've read some posts, and everyone here seems to be nice, and most importantly, honest. I guess I just need to vent and talk to someone. My g/f dumped me 3 weeks ago. We were only together for a year, but I loved that woman. I know many people here have been through far worse, but I still would like to get it out and hopefully have a friendly ear. I'm 31, she is 36. I am in nursing school, and she is an ER nurse. 10 months in to our relationship, a doctor at her work had an engagement that fell through. Since then he texted and flirted with her constantly. I told her I did not like that, and I said that persistent people always win and that he just wants a rebound. She said she wasn't interested. Then she started coming home late, told obvious lies, and became distant. Two months later, she said I'm a great guy, blah blah blah, and that it was over. Now she is with him, as a friend of mine that works with her told me (I didn't ask, she slipped up and told me). I feel crushed. I did everything for that woman and loved her so much, and I got left for the persistent doctor. If I had done something wrong to cause her to end it, I would understand. To be left for another man is far more difficult to deal with. Sorry for the long post. I'm just heartbroken.

[JDPT]

There was clearly a lack of commitment on her behalf. If you analyze, it didn't take much for to go elsewhere which only tells you the type of person that she is and the bullet you dodged. When we are in a relationship we do it out of the goodness of our hearts. I used to have a hard time accepting that, I used to always say to myself, but I've done so much for her how could she disregard all I've done!? Truth is when people have their minds made up nothing else matters. Be glad that things ended at an early stage as much as it may hurt, learn from this experience. Start your healing process, focus in school, go through your grieving process, you will have your ups and downs which is completely normal. Don't feel guilty or bad or try to overanalyze what you "did wrong" because you didn't do anything wrong, she decided to go elsewhere, wish her well and forgive her to ultimately let go of any anger and resentment. I wish you well.

[rosie9]

I understand what you're going through completely. Me and my ex went out for about 2 years before he broke up with me. I then found out from one of my best friends that he started going out with another girl a week later. He wasted no time in getting into another relationship and I was a wreck inside. But then I found out that he cheated on me with her and left me to be with her. I knew he had been talking to this girl when we were going out but I thought nothing of it because I loved him, trusted him and thought that since we were going out for such a long time that he wouldn't dare cheat. Well, now I'm completely heartbroken and the thought of being in another relationship makes me feel sick. Although he treated me terribly, I still love him and can't seem to really forget about him or think about being with someone else. This happened five months ago. I really wish I was over him and could make it through each and every day with a good attitude and a smile. But it gets hard sometimes. Just know you're not alone and there are people on here who will listen to whatever you have to say

[Scofield]

Thank you both for the kind words. Why is it that some people can just move on without a second thought, and the other person is left devastated and feeling so low? Why do I listen to sad music and can barely drag myself out of bed, while she is smiling in the arms of her new man? It really does help having people to talk to on here. I didn't know where else to go, so I googled break-up forums and here I am.

[JDPT]

Certain people are easily persuaded and truth is us dumpees have a slightly harder time coping with reality. It's as if it takes us just a big longer to finally get it, and realize that it's over and it's time to move on with our lives. Don't listen to sad songs, reroute your thoughts when you find yourself thinking of those "perfect" moments you had with your ex. This may be cliché but it's all in the mind. You have to train yourself day in and day out that you are this stand alone unit now and you need to do what's best for you and only you.

[Scofield]

JDPT....you are wise, and your advice will not be taken lightly. You're right, I need to turn off the sad music, and tackle my future goals instead of lingering on the past and what could have been. Like you said, I dodged a bullet. Now it's up to me to get over this. I know that there will be times of sorrow in this process. I almost feel stupid whining over a one year relationship ending compared to what others on here have been through. Unfortunately, I can't just turn my emotions on and off. What a tender world that would be...

[JDPT]

I was dumped off a 5 year relationship roughly 3 months ago. With my ex, I thought I was going to grow old and it's very difficult when you no longer have that person who you shared everything with, it throws you off mentally, emotionally and physically. In retrospect, I'm starting to understand that she was never for me and amazed at the fact that we lasted this long. You will come out of this a stronger, wiser and more mature person. I see it in myself in these short 3 months, it's as if I'm a new and improved man. I can now do the things that I neglected for so many years and focus on me and focus on improving myself, I like to tell myself I have not lost a thing but gained it all in life. I devote myself to being a better person and letting go and forgiving. Hate, anger and bitterness are emotions I day by day shed and leave in the past. Know that things happen for a reason, we have a lot of work ahead of us but it's not impossible to accomplish. Be easy on yourself, know that there will be many ups and downs but also know that you will have the strength to get through them.

[Scofield]

How? How do you do it? Five years together and then it ended. I'm not sure I could get over that in a year, much less 3 months. It's so hard. Does she still cross your mind? All the little things you guys shared? It's still so vivid in my mind. The smiles when you see them for the first time that day, knowing when she is sad from just a glance and doing everything you can to help them feel better, watching t.v. shows that you don't like but it makes her happy so you do it. God this is hard

[Mcscooter]

Don't feel too bad man. She left you for another guy, enough said. She isn't worth tears, vent all you need. Time will heal and you will come to an understanding of why she wasn't right for you. Stay strong my friend.

[JDPT]

I will not lie, every day is a struggle. As you mentioned we shared so much together and during the first month of her dumping me I honestly thought I was going insane. I just couldn't think, formulating thoughts was so difficult, I was very concern about my mental well being. But later implemented exercises such as: rerouting my thoughts and grounding myself, this started to make things better. I exposed myself to family members, I would chew their ears with my stories when I felt sad at certain moments, that helped so much. In other words you need to get it all out, if you feel you need to cry go right ahead, screaming, talk to a friend you can trust or family members. I broke NC, I sent emails, text messages, flowers and all I got in return was cold stone silence. That put so much into perspective and helped me realize that she is gone for ever with no hope of her ever returning. I used to say to myself, maybe down the road many many years from now we will meet again and do things correctly. Later I realized that if I keep up with that mentality I will never move on because it will only leave room for her leaving me vulnerable. My objective is to not spend time thinking about her. I understand memories will remain but I won't, I will move forward with my life and be the happy man I used to be many years ago.

Edited August 4, 2013 by JDPT

[Scofield]

You're right McScooter, she left me for another guy. It's just that saying I'm gonna move on and be strong, and live well, blah, blah, blah, sounds good on paper, but at the end of the day, he won, and I am alone and sad. JDPT, how did you get over the first few weeks? I'm angry, resentful, sleep too much, and every day feels like a struggle. I don't want these emotions. Advice from someone who has been thru this is certainly appreciated.

[JDPT]

Scofield- I went through the denial process rather quickly. I understand what occurred (her dumping me) and accepted it, as I understood it as she made things very clear to me that we were through. The first few weeks were rough. I recall sitting in my couch and watching TV all day doing absolutely nothing productive with myself. I knew enough to not self medicate as I've done in the past. Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate the current terrible situation we are in. And the last thing I wanted was for this to perpetuate. I just didn't have the strength to do anything. As days go by I started back at the gym, eating healthy and started to slightly feel better about myself, however, I was still in this emotional rollercoaster. I was angry at her for throwing it all away. I felt like I wasted 5 years of my life for her to easily throw it all away. I used to ask myself what about all the work, commitment and struggles we went through to be together, all of this for her to just end it? I later learned forgiveness for her and myself. I forgive her everyday for making such an abrupt decision and ending the relationship and I forgive myself for all the things I may have done wrong while we were together. I also work on not dwelling on the things I may have done "wrong" things played out the way they did for a reason and there is not turning back, I can only learn from it and grow as a person. I remained NC for roughly 2 months but then broke it. I started to analyze why I broke NC and realized that I was no longer diligently implementing all brain exercises I learned in the past. I can tell you what helped me: I read a lot online, how people go through break ups, going through the five stages of grieving and exercises to help you cope with weak moments. Exert some energy, go out for a walk, run whatever you need to do to get through the day. People will say, time heals all, but what's most important is what you do during that time so you can properly heal. You will not miraculously heal without doing all the grunt work, no pain no gain type of mentality. Know that everyday will be a struggle but you can't give up you need to keep fighting because it will gradually started to feel just a bit better.

[Scofield]

I ask myself "what is it all for?" Why do I allow her to manifest these emotions in me? Why do I try to do good when all it get's me is disappointment? Someone told me once that the best revenge in a break-up is to live your life well. But that's the thing, I don't want revenge. It's been 3 weeks NC, and to be honest, I want to text her. However, I know that I will either get no response, or a response that will make me worse off, so I turned off my phone. Thanks for listening to me and responding. You are helping. I know someday I will be where you are, better off, and maybe able to help someone else get through what I am feeling.

[JDPT]

One day all this pain will make sense to us. And we will realize that as the saying goes "joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain" We are all here for each other.